I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.
Chapter 7: What? Christmas? I Don't DO Christmas, America!
((Joyful Note: I started working on this ten seconds after finishing chapter six in a lame attempt to make up for lost time. Not that it worked at all. I'm going to do my best and keep track of what the date is in my story at all times, rather than getting stuck and having to re-read everything I've written again to get a grasp on how close we are to Christmas. Anyway here it is, ENJOY IT YOU CRETANS! And I know it took forever to get up this part but... phht...))
I don't want to go to Toronto. I don't want to go to Toronto. I don't want to go to Toronto. I don't I don't I don't.
And yet I'm in a car with four screaming Units (one of which going through an emotional crisis apparently), one disgruntled alien and a twittering bird, going to Toronto.
Erm… am I forgetting something? I don't think so…
Well anyway, I know you want to know why I'm doing such a suicidal thing. Lord knows I don't want to go back to that hell hole of a city; I only lived there so I could graduate from U of T and then only until I got my first book published and saved enough to move far away. Noisy, smelly, crawling with the homeless and even after living there for six years I had little grasp on how to get around it, especially in a personal vehicle as opposed to public transportation. I had long been sick of that city and it was not my idea of a fun day trip but nooooo, America just HAD to go THERE because NO WHERE ELSE is good enough for Christmas shopping. I don't even want to go Christmas shopping! I don't have enough money to even think about Christmas shopping right now if... well I guess maybe it's not just America, I do have to go to Toronto, I just didn't want to bring the units... I suppose I'll get into all this as I give you the recap of my time since you last saw me, if I can get my ear-splitting units to shut up long enough for me to organize my thoughts. God I hate long car rides.
So about two days ago, December 14th, I awoke with a start upon realising I could not breathe through my nose. A gasp for breath and a sharp jerk of the head dislodged Nantucket from my nasal cavities and sweet air again flowed through my lungs. It seemed this was enough to fully jerk me to consciousness, because when I glared at my slumbering bed mate I wasn't hit with my usual bout of early morning amnesia and instead completely recalled the events of the night prior which led to myself willingly sharing my bed with the nineteen year old cloned incarnation of the United States of America. I was not pleased as I assessed the situation.
Somehow in the night America had shuffled us both to the edge of my bed up against the wall so close that if the wall hadn't been there I expect I'd be on the floor by this point. He had nuzzled his forehead against my mouth and chin as well, which is why I woke up with a nose full of hair, and was currently positioned with his leg hitched over mine and his arm wrapped around my waist with my arms trapped between. In other words, I was stuck. Also the combined efforts of the blankets, extra body heat and general high temperature of my house were making both of us sweat and the smell was getting to me. There was nothing redeeming about this situation at all.
... okay, okay, maybe it was a bit cute in retrospect that I was the one he went to when he was scared, but this was a nearly twenty-year-old man, not a toddler! The fact his face was inches from my chest should be evidence enough that this should be creepy. Regardless of his childishness, America was not a child and so I felt no remorse as I jabbed my fingers violently between his ribs to wake him.
"KENTUCKY FRIED MCBURGER KING!" America screamed as he jolted awake, pushing back from me violently. I doubled up and started to gasp for air since the man's hands had gone straight into my stomach flab. That man hits hard... damn it. Then he seemed to realise what he'd done and started garbling out an apology as I managed to wheeze breath back into my lungs.
"Never... again... fucker..." I spat out and gradually started to breathe more normally. Finally I wiped the tears from my eyes and sent a glare at the blond in my bed. "Now give me my glasses and be fucking CAREFUL with them!"
America pouted but reached toward my bedside table and grabbed both sets of glasses sitting there. After a brief squint at them to identify whose was whose, he handed me my pair before jamming his own on his nose. I sighed before adjusting mine and gave him a condescending look.
"Alright, now I realise you don't really have much in the way of clothes right now, but I guess you can wear your pants from yesterday and borrow one of Prussia's shirts I bought for him. Think you can get dressed on your own?"
"Obviously! I'm the HERO!" America said with a boisterous laugh. I twitched.
"That's not what you were saying last night when you came in here whining about some stupid movie. Now get out of here, I have to get dressed," and as America huffed and pulled himself out of bed I gave my body a much needed stretch. Damn, I vaguely remembered how this tended to happen if I shared a bed with someone else. Even back when I used a queen sized bed in my teen years, if someone was there with me for some reason I'd abandon my usual night time thrashings and opt for complete stillness, leading to much neck and back pain come morning. I would've thought after all these years this strange habit would have fled me but no, apparently not as my neck hurt like a bitch.
America did not leave my room as instructed and instead began examining the space. Sucking in his cheeks for a moment he looked at me. At the time I was trying to word an appropriate idle threat to get him out of my room, but this contemplation fled when I noticed the irritated expression on my Unit's face. I felt my eyebrow raise and my expression questioned his.
After a second spent like this, America explained himself, "Your room's really boring you know? I mean, dude, most people personalize their rooms with stuff. You just have a computer desk, a tiny dresser, a table, a bed; is this a bedroom or a prison? You need to do something cool, like add a hamburger phone, or an Elvis lampshade!"
I groaned and glanced up at my sadly barren ceiling. "I had some decorations, but China has decided they could not be around Ivan so I took them down. I suppose he technically has a point, but I really just need a lock for my door... damn that's taking a while to get here isn't it? I mean if you compare it to how soon everything else has been delivered lately. Maybe it didn't go through..." I frowned.
"Hm? Well you should definitely decorate this space into something cool! I know what if I did it for you? We could get some American flags so it feels more patriotic, and definitely a hamburger phone for McDonalds, and some football team posters and-"
"HEY!" I snapped, cutting him off, "I'm CANADIAN, remember? Not American. Go decorate your own room like that if you want, just get a job and pay for the stuff. "
"A job?" America blinked and bit his lip in thought. "Hmm... good thinking! I KNOW! I'll be an astronaut! That'd be so cool!"
I stared at him. "But... you can't do that... can you?"
"I can do whatever I want because I AM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!" He struck his pose and all that was needed was the flag waving in the background.
"No you're not," I said flatly, "You are a clone of a genetically engineered imitation of an anime character. Now go away and let me get dressed please."
America's grin dropped and suddenly he looked sheepish, scratching the back of his head. "Oh, heh, you know about that huh?"
"Yes, I do, Gilbert has been so kind as to explain it to me," I sniffed, straightening the blankets over my legs. I wasn't coming out from those until America had left.
The blond Unit nibbled his bottom lip for a moment and looked at me warily. "He... isn't supposed to do that, you know?"
I felt the corners of my mouth turn downward. "Isn't supposed to do what?"
"He isn't- erm, I mean we aren't... supposed to... talk about that? Sort of breaks the illusion you know?" he laughed nervously.
I shrugged. "Well I asked him what Units were, he just answered me. I don't really care."
"Um, well it's not like I'll tell anybody but um... yeah you probably shouldn't go telling other people you know about that okay? It's kind of supposed to be a secret."
"Oh," I said, blinking slowly. A secret? Why the hell would that be a secret? It didn't seem like a big deal, it had to be legal if they'd made a business out of it... right? Ah, well, I'd think on it later. "Okay then, now get out of here and, I don't know, eat breakfast I guess. I'll be out in a second... damn I guess I need to clear out another room. Do you want to live in the basement with Gilbert or upstairs with the other two?"
America's grin was back suddenly as if it never left. "The basement! That would be so cool; I could turn it into the Batcave or something!"
"Yeah... have fun with that. Get Gilbert to help you clear out a room for yourself down there. Oh, but don't break anything or throw anything out!" I said harshly. At last America flashed a peace sign and vamoosed from the premises. Thank God.
Sloth-like, I grumbled and moved to my dresser, yanking out clothes for the day. A set of navy blue sweat pants and my bright green t-shirt from the musical "Wicked". I loved that book in high school. I loved the soundtrack to the performance. Never once got to see it on the stage. My sister had, but it was a school trip only for those with drama class in that semester's timetable and I had not been one of the lucky ones. It was so annoying! My sister didn't even like the musical, she never let me play the songs, but she went anyway because 'hey, get out of school for the day!' IT SUCKED. But she did bring me back the t-shirt and gave it to me for Christmas, so maybe it wasn't all bad.
Actually, she's a good kid, my little sister. Just thinking about it, I haven't seen her since... since her wedding I guess. That was maybe four years ago? Something like that. Good to see she's out there doing the whole reproduction thing; I'm sure as hell not going to do it. Pregnancy. Urg.
Anyway, I finished pulling on my clothes and made my bed in a leisurely manner. Once my room was straightened I gave it a quick look and I guess... I guess I realised America had something of a point. It was a little sterile in there. Nothing really defining to it- even the bedspread was just kind of beige. Why had I not noticed this before? I just... huh. Well maybe later I'd dig up one of the anime print blankets I had laying around upstairs and fix that! Maybe. Though I'll admit that seemed like a lot of work right now. Shrugging such thoughts away I heard screaming and headed out for the kitchen.
Once again, I was faced with chaos. Damn it. Seeing as America was whining for Pop tarts, China was scolding his poor eating habits, Little Russia was hugging Dudley (who was shaking with his eyes shut tight), Bandit was barking at America's feet, Coco was meowing for food, Panda-aru was looking as horrifying as ever as he cooked what looked like oatmeal (I guess they were working on limited ingredients for something more Chinese-y) and... Well God knows where Prussia was.
Okay, maybe in some circles this wouldn't be chaotic, but I was used to quiet mornings and this was just... too early. Too early for yelling. I groaned and left before I was noticed, slumping down onto my living room couch.
To my left, I heard a ringing voice say, "Fucking Canuck!"
I glanced to my left. An alien was sitting there, recognised as Tony. Did that come with America, like Panda-aru and Gilbird? Probably. Damn it, another mouth to feed? These bitches NEED to get jobs or they're going out on the street. Seriously, this was too much! An alien? Seriously? An alien? WHAT?
"Why are you insulting me?" I asked flatly.
"Fucking Canuck, your remote doesn't work," the alien thrust my satellite remote in front of me.
"Oh, no, you have to use this one first," I grabbed the silver remote from the coffee table and pressed the power button. The TV turned silently on. "Then you use this one," I grabbed a black remote and turned on the surround sound. "You use this one to control volume, and the one you have right now is used to switch channels. The silver one turns the TV off again."
"That's stupid," Tony snapped, grabbing the surround sound remote and cranking the volume over the noise coming from the kitchen. Then he started flipping through channels, finally landing on the morning news for the region. This was... different. I couldn't really remember the last time I bothered to watch the news. On screen was a news desk with a black lady in a business suit next to an Asian male who looked a bit... familiar but I couldn't quite place...
Oh... oh my god.
"WHAT THE HELL IS KYOYA OOTORI DOING AS A FUCKING NEWS ANCHOR?" It had taken a moment since I was used to seeing him animated but- "I mean he's a Unit, has to be, way too pretty to be anything less, but... just..."
"So he's a Unit with a job, what's the big deal? Shut up I'm trying to hear," Tony glared at me as I sat stunned. So Units... could get jobs like this? In the public eye? Good Lord where HAD I been? I suppose I don't really watch news sites online... maybe I don't really go on forums either... at all... well not that much... but surely I would've known this was happening if it was so open like this!
Though then again, was it as open as I thought? Kyoya was... well he was from a popular anime but not... not that popular, I mean it would only be noticed by people who loved anime... even then, did those people watch the news that much? Plus he wasn't as distinctive as say, Piccolo from Dragonball Z, some people might know of him and not realise who he was. If they did, would they not assume it some awesome coincidence, if they didn't know about Units? Corey didn't seem to know about them, the chick from Wal-Mart didn't until she got Switzerland, Derek did seem to know but I hadn't a clue how he'd found out about them. Geez, there was something weird about all this... not to mention that as a news anchor, in the public eye this was... kind of... did the unit get the money for this? Was it going to his owner? And who picks Kyoya for a position like this? He's too smart for that! He wouldn't have picked such a post for himself, I was sure of that much... goddamn it...
"What'cha watching?" There came Prussia's rough voice as he plunked himself down on my right side. I'd been sitting in the middle of the couch.
"The news, I haven't really been paying attention though," I admitted, sending Prussia a sideways grimace. "That guy there? He's a Unit, has to be, he's Kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club."
"No shit?" Prussia blinked, looking a little surprised himself. "Huh. Maybe I should try to get a job like that..."
"There isn't a TV station around here though," I pointed out, "Though I guess there's a radio station..."
"Heh, yeah," Prussia sighed and leaned back on the couch cushions and I went back to staring at Kyoya because... well aside from the weirdness of it all he was still hot. Damn. If I had the money I would get me one of him...
Why does that have to suddenly sound bad? I-it wasn't like I'd make him my slave or anything! Just... you know... to have... him... to...
... er...
"Hey Mom?" I glanced toward Prussia again. He wasn't looking at me, his eyes trained on the TV but I wondered if I was being watched from his peripherals.
I let out a sigh of exasperation at his re-use of that name. If he had to come up with something I don't know why it had to be that..."Yes, what?"
"Do you like me?"
"Eh?" I stiffened and turned my head to stare at him more fully. I felt my eyes widen and my cheeks heat up. "Why the hell would you- when have I ever- you have Corey! Go fuck with him! I don't even want to THINK about-"
"Not like that, stupid! I'm way too awesome to do that with you!" Prussia snapped, finally turning toward me. Not that he hadn't tried it once already… I relaxed minutely, but since he was glaring at me I didn't fully calm myself until his angry expression dropped into one that looked a tad... dare I say insecure?
"Then what do you mean?" I asked him absently fiddling with the hem of my shirt, though I suppose I really could have guessed.
"I mean, do you even like me at all? As a... as a... person?" After stammering while avoiding eye contact this he seemed to flinch, but I couldn't think of why he would do that. It seemed like a pretty normal statement... anyway I supposed I had to give him some kind of answer, since this insecurity looked damn out of character on Prussia and I didn't want to keep seeing it.
Which meant... well... maybe I had to think about it. "Um..." I closed my eyes and considered the matter. I had long decided that I disliked Prussia in Hetalia. He was loud, obnoxious, childish in the most un-endearing way possible. But, well, meeting his Unit in person he... well he was still those things obviously but well... he was cute when he was around Corey and... well maybe... well...
"I guess... you're not that bad," I shrugged. "I don't know if I'd say I like you to any degree... maybe I even kind of dislike you but... I don't know, I guess I wouldn't poison your food for my own amusement. I might push you in front of a train for my own amusement..."
Prussia clenched his fists and snarled at me, causing me to give a slight wince. "You are such a bitch you know that?"
"Well... you're a jerk! And obnoxious! So fuck off!" I said defensively, even if maybe he had a bit of a point, I wasn't about to back down to him! Anyway, couldn't he tell I was pretty much joking? I don't push people in front of trains. Phht.
"You fuck off! You want to push me in front of a train for your own amusement? What the fuck is wrong with you, you psycho recluse!" Prussia growled and my eyes felt like they could flash in anger.
"I'm not a recluse!"
"Sure you are! And also a psycho, which you didn't deny!"
"Well, maybe I AM a psycho! What's wrong with that?"
"Will both you fucking idiots shut up? I'm trying to hear!" Tony grumbled, cranking the volume higher, but our voices only rose to combat it.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I EVER DID TO YOU!" Prussia roared.
"YOU GROPED ME, THAT'S ONE THING!" I retorted.
"LIKE HELL, I GROPE EVERYONE!"
"YOU, uh, YOU-! Um... YOU'RE JUST A DICK! I'M TOO MAD TO THINK RIGHT NOW!"
"NO, YOU'RE JUST TOO STUPID TO THINK!"
"OH WAIT I KNOW, YOU KEEP HURTING IVAN! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? HE'S DONE NOTHING TO YOU!"
"NOTHING? NOTHING? YOU DON'T-!" Prussia stopped suddenly and took a couple of breaths before finishing, "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" and then storming away to the sounds of Kyoya talking about a stabbing behind a local indoor rock climbing plaza thing. As if that had any bearing on anything. Why was Prussia being such a dick? Probably in his genetic programming I supposed...
Anyway, a couple of seconds later China rushed in with his wok to get the volume turned down, so I had my hands a little too full prying the remote from Tony before China could smash my speaker system to bother trying to figure out why Prussia was PMS-ing.
Once the TV was turned down and China was calmed, I decided to look into getting some breakfast. If there was one good thing that has come from the increase of chaos in the atmosphere, it was that I no longer had to cook my own meals it seemed. That was nice, I hate cooking you see. Always did. Just don't have the patience for it.
Grabbing a bowl of oatmeal, which turned out to be apple cinnamon flavour- probably because it was the only kind I had in the house, I sat apathetically at the kitchen table and began methodologically shovelling the glop into my mouth. Within moments I was flanked on my left by Little Russia, my right by America and across from me sat China. Hovering by the sink was Panda-aru and Prussia was still missing.
As I munched my way through my oatmeal, I noticed America glancing over to the TV with a concerning expression, as if he was confused, but also annoyed at the same time. I glanced over as well. It was a news report from Toronto, in the background were some Christmas trees and ice skaters, pretty standard fare reporting, I didn't know why he looked confused.
Then his head started jerking as he stared around the room. I watched him with tired eyes and from my peripherals I determined that Little Russia was doing the same. China seemed to be getting steadily more annoyed.
"Do you see a fly buzzing in here-aru? What's wrong with you?" China asked in his growing irritation, using chopsticks on his oatmeal. How he was able to do this I have no idea, but I was a rather impressed with it. It reminded me of this time way back when I went out to dinner with a friend in college for her birthday. We went to the Mandarin and she insisted on using chopsticks to eat everything, even her birthday cake later on. Very impressive indeed. I gave up using them on the cake after the fourth bite but she went through to the end. She was a crazy girl, that Pam... no idea where she is now of course... suppose I could stalk her Facebook account later, she's still on my list...
"It's just..." America trailed off for a second and then looked at me directly, "What's the date?"
"Er, December fourteenth, why?" I asked with a slight frown.
America's eyes widened exponentially and he gasped. "B-b-b-b-but, where are your Christmas decorations then?"
I blinked slowly, set down my spoon and tried to think of the best way to phrase this delicately for the guy. "I... do not have any Christmas decorations."
America made a strange, strangled noise at the back of his throat before jumping to his feet and rushing around the table corner. He grabbed my shirt collar and brought his face within inches of mine so I could smell nothing but oatmeal breath.
"HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS?" America wailed loud enough to shake windows and again, right in my face.
"GEEZ! Blow out my ear drums why don't you!" I growled, pushing back at the unit that was firmly getting on my nerves at this point and rubbing at my ears. Not that rubbing at my ears would do much for the eardrums inside, but it felt like the appropriate physical reaction at the time.
"Yes, there is hardly a need to be so loud about this-aru! Christmas isn't that important; can't we just order a pizza-aru?"
"I think we should celebrate Epiphany instead, it is much better I think, da?" Little Russia piped up cheerfully from his seat.
"WHAT? No way are we celebrating some Commie holiday!" America snapped, "And Christmas is like, the most important holiday EVER! How can you say that, Yao? Christmas is awesome because you get presents, and throw parties and eat cake and have Christmas trees, and dress up like Santa and drink egg nog and sing Christmas carols and throw snowballs and make snow angels and get drunk and put Iggy in a dress and drop him off in Vegas with no cell phone or money and take pictures!"
"... uh, what was that about England?" I asked feeling ever so slightly disgusted, but in a greater degree, amused and my lips twitched as this little war of emotions went on inside my head.
"Anyway, point is, you need to get some Christmas decorations, or at least a tree, where's Santa supposed to leave his presents if there isn't a tree? And where are WE supposed to put our presents then?" America demanded. I fought another groan, seeing that this could not end well.
"Look I... don't intend to get anybody presents okay? I've spent enough money trying to feed and clothe you all and get your bedroom furniture, I won't be able to order new anime merchandise for my collections for... god I don't know HOW long at this point. I'm going into a line of credit for the first time since I started writing! That's not cool Alfred, I usually budget better than this," I explained this slowly but America's eyes were still watering and he looked confused.
"But... but... Christmas..." America said softly, giving me the biggest puppy dog look he was capable of. I ground my teeth. No, I would not give in to such a cheap ploy! I was better than that!
"Look, you're the only one who wants Christmas decorations, Alfred. So if you want them, you have to go out, get a job, and pay for them yourself," I said carefully. He nibbled at his lip and continued to give puppy dog eyes for another minute and a half before finally giving up and letting out the mother of all sighs.
"Fiiiiiine, I'll get a job," America pouted at me, but I was honestly shocked he had agreed. I suppose I was used to Prussia's constant rejection of the idea.
"Oh, um, good then," I shrugged a little, still unsure about his conviction. Was this normal America behaviour? I didn't even have a manual to check that kind of thing. Though I supposed I could simply call Unit Co. and have them send me a replacement manual. Not that calling that place has really helped me in any of my other problems, but whatever, I figured I might as well.
Having decided that, I headed for the phone. No sense delaying this. I found it rather sad that I had managed to memorize the number as I dialled without needing another manual as assistance...
"Hello, you have reached the Customer Service Hotline for Hetalia Units," an automated voice picked up the line, as usual, "If your Unit is trying to kill you, your friends or loved ones, your enemies, other Units, or the general public, press one. If your Unit is destroying your property or the property of others, press two. If your Unit is trapped in one program and cannot be coaxed out of it, press three. If your Unit is performing actions not specified in the User's Manual, press four. If you have received a Unit that you did not order and you wish to make a return or exchange, press five. If you have not received all parts detailed in the User's Manual, press six. If you have received a manual that does not match the Unit received, press seven. If you-"
"Relevent," I muttered as I punched seven on my phone.
"What are you doing-aru?"
"Calling Unit Co. to get America's user manual, since they sent him with Canada's."
"Who?"
"Your brother! Where I live! Goddamn American..." I muttered as the automated voice buzzed and continued:
"We understand that you have received a manual that does not match the unit in your crate. If you wish to order the unit that matches the manual, press one. If you wish to order the manual that matches the unit, press two." I hesitated for a moment, before firmly pressing two. Ordering another unit would be expensive, I doubted America would go into a crate to be exchanged and quite frankly I didn't really need another mouth in here, I already had run out of chairs at my kitchen table for them all and that didn't take long.
"Please stay on the line to speak with a human representative."
"Once again, speaking with a human, spectacular," I sighed into the phone.
"Still talking to yourself? Unawesome freak, you know you've got a room full of Units to talk to!" Oh, Prussia had reappeared. Wonderful. I flipped him off as the line picked up on the other side and a familiar voice rang in my ear.
"Hello, this is the Manual Issues help desk. I understand that the manual you received does not match the Unit received and you wish to order the correct manual?"
I groped for the name for a moment, and then said, "Wes? What the fuck? I thought you were the returns and exchanges help desk!"
"I'm... filling in."
"Like hell you are!" I snapped. My drive to fight left however when I noticed Little Russia was being eyed by Prussia, and China was eyeing Prussia, and America was staring at Panda-aru with some strange interested look that I couldn't identify. Danger was brewing in the kitchen, and I didn't want to be busy arguing on the phone when it blew up in there.
"Would you believe I was transferred?"
I sighed. "Look, if you'll just send me America's manual I will believe whatever you want."
"Oh... oh it was America in the crate? Damn! See, this explains that other chick who got America's manual for Canada, though she thought it was a joke."
"Okay seriously, you suck. Do you need glasses or something? You should get some, staple them to your face, and THEN maybe you wouldn't have these problems! Just send me the damn manual, okay?" I growled.
"Yeah, sure, I'll send it. Oh, but I won't be the one delivering it this time, I'm going to my cousin's wedding. I think Evelyn is going to cover for me over the next couple of days."
"I really couldn't care less," I groaned, rubbing my temple as America asked China if he won Panda-aru in a carnival game, distracting the Asian long enough for Prussia to jump in and try grabbing Ivan to do... god I have no idea, probably shove him in the blender or something judging by his track record. This obviously was going to lead to China and Prussia fighting it out while America and Little Russia watched on as per usual and hey, Tony and Panda-aru might get in on it too somehow. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
Resolving to get out of this mess, I headed into the hallway as Wes continued on the phone.
"Anyway, I'll tell her you received the Canada manual with the America Unit and she'll bring the manual tomorrow, it doesn't take long to ship replacement or subsequent orders after we get the initial order."
"And I don't understand why that is. But nor do I care. So just get on with it. I'm going to hang up now before these goddamn Units destroy my kitchen, okay?"
"Right! Thank you for choosing Unit Co for all-"
I hung up. Like I needed to hear the scripted end of call speech, right? Anyway, like I mentioned, my kitchen was quickly turning to chaos. Again. Why me? No, seriously, why me? Why did I have to deal with all this fucking craziness? One Unit I suppose I handled alright despite it being Prussia. Two Units, hell, even three Units plus Panda-aru seemed to have been plausible to work around. But with the addition of America and his damn alien, I had no idea how I was going to deal with them all hanging around my house all day. I had a large house, but it seemed it wasn't big enough.
I really wanted to head for my bedroom and hide from this, but I also didn't want to have to replace all my kitchen fixtures, so when Prussia grabbed a kitchen chair to combat China's wok, I knew I had to step in. Not... not right in of course, I still had a bump on my head from the last time I intervened with China's wok, but I wasn't going to just sit back and watch!
"YO! CHILL OUT!" I screamed as Prussia and China went in for the kill in the midst of the spectator ring. It... didn't really help much as they just kept going. I growled and ran to America who looked thoroughly excited at the potential battle to the death.
"WOO! GET THE LEAD OUT! THIS IS SO COOL!" America screamed, followed by a cry of pain as I grabbed his ear and twisted it hard.
"That's MY chair he's holding and MY kitchen their going to wreck if they keep fighting!" I hissed at the confused American, "So, Alfred, you're super strong. Get in there and SEPERATE them!"
"Oh! Awe but..." I twisted more, "OUCH! OKAY OKAY LET GO!" America wailed and I let go, leading to some muttering as he rubbed his ear.
I sighed at his sulking face. "Come on, we should all be... friends here right? Friends shouldn't fight like this, be the hero and stop them!"
America's face immediately lit up. "I'll stop them, don't worry, cause I'M THE HERO!" and with that declaration he raced in and snatched the chair from Prussia and grabbed the albino, pushing him down to the floor and wrestling one arm behind his back at a rather painful looking angle. Seeming to take lead from America, Panda-aru got behind China and grabbed him into a tight bear hug, effectively stilling his erratic movements. Little Russia looked disappointed.
"Oh, so they will not be fighting each other, Mother Russia?" he looked up at me with sad eyes. I couldn't bear that! No fair!
"I- they- n-no! Shush!" I hushed him and walked up in front of China and Prussia, my eyes travelling from one to the other as I contemplated them both. This fighting could not be tolerated any longer; I had to live in this house for Christ's sake!
"Let me up! Don't be so un-awesome!" Prussia growled, struggling to no avail against the Unit pinning him to the floor.
"Of course I'm awesome! I'm the HERO after all!" America grunted with a wide happy grin, pressing down harder so breath was forced from Prussia's lungs and the albino wheezed and looked murderous.
"Let go Panda-aru!" China wailed, still trying to raise his wok.
"No, I believe the lady has something to say," Panda-aru said reasonably. I decided, at this point, that I could stand Panda-aru being in my house despite being horrendously creepy because at the very least he could read a mood and act accordingly, and if I had America in the house we needed someone in here who could make up for his lack in that skill area.
"You're damn right I do," I said firmly, catching both captive's eyes in turn before getting on with my little speech, "I understand that you two are not on the best of terms right now. Gilbert, for whatever reason or reasons you seem to want Ivan dead. China-"
"Yao! I said you can call me by my name, why do you keep calling me by my country name-aru! You call everyone else by their human names-aru!" China demanded an answer, but I smoothly ignored him.
"China, being Ivan's appointed guardian, you are obviously going to want to stop these attempts at Ivan's life. However, my house has many breakable items inside it. Therefore if you want to have these battles you will have them OUTSIDE," I thought for a moment, and then added, "And if you're going outside, use a door."
"Well duh," Gilbert muttered.
"Don't 'duh' me!" I snapped, "I don't need broken windows or walls either! Anyway, no fighting in the house or else I'll... I'll... I'll rip up all of Gilbert's journals and tear the heads of several cute stuffed animals in front of China!"
"Y-you wouldn't-aru!"
"Try me," I glared.
"HEY! DON'T YOU DARE RIP UP THE RECORDS OF MY AWESOMENESS!"
"Then don't you dare fight in my house!" I retorted. With another hard look at both I asked, "Are we clear on this?"
Both chorused, "Yes mom..." and... alright maybe my mind snapped a little there.
"OKAY, THAT'S IT, I'M GETTING THE CHAIR!" I screamed, grabbing the chair Prussia had been holding and swinging it at the albino, who was nearest. Suddenly though I froze in mid-swing, unable to move and registering a tingling sensation in my muscles as if they had gone to sleep. It was a little unpleasant to tell you the truth.
Frozen where I was I watched America get off of Prussia, causing the albino to leap to his feet and start furiously adjusting his clothes, and pluck the chair from my grasp. Once it was safely pushed to one side, the blond nodded to someone over my shoulder.
"It's okay Tony, you can let her go now!" he said cheerfully and feeling returned to my limbs. And then I fell to the floor because my foot had unfortunately been raised at the time of freezing. From the ground I twisted my head to see Tony standing behind me, holding a strange little gun and looking irritated.
"Fucking Canuck," he muttered, "Don't break your own rules." With this declaration, the alien marched back to the living room and whatever program he had been watching. Fucking little couch potato... well maybe he had a point. I had technically said no fighting was allowed in the house. But damn that little cretin, he had no right to go enforcing my rulings and preventing my hypocritical behaviour! I mean seriously. Where does he get off?
"Hey, hey, mom?" America waved his hand in the air. I gave him a scathing look.
"What?"
"Could I have some Coke?"
"What? Er... I guess so?" I said with a frown and heading for the fridge. I figured I had to have some in there somewhere, and it turned out I did, hidden behind a wall of grape Fanta. I tossed him a can and he downed it in one gulp before letting out a belch and crushing it against his head.
Well. Good for him.
"Hey, hey, mom! Hey, hey, mom!"
"WHAT, Alfred?" I growled.
"Why don't you ever get as mad at anyone else for calling you mom as you do at me?" Prussia snapped. I ignored him. The truth was that for some reason when he did it, it annoyed me more than when anyone else did. Not to mention part of me really blamed him for starting it, even if America seemed to do it on his own.
"I can't get the taste of warm apple pie out of my head!"
"Good for you," I said to America in deadpan.
"Oh, I know what you're doing!" Little Russia said suddenly. Then he grinned widely and began to sing in his soft, adorable voice, "Draw a circle, there's the earth! Draw a circle there's the earth!"
"That's right!" America let out a loud burst of laughter and sang, "Draw a circle there's the earth I AM AMERICA!"
Yeah. This was kind of embarrassing to watch happen in my kitchen.
"Okay, so, I'm going to... go to my room I guess..." I muttered, backing away slowly, only to have my exit suddenly blocked by Prussia. Damn it, why wouldn't the albino leave me ALONE!
"Let me use your computer," Prussia demanded.
"No!"
"Let me use your computer!"
"What for?"
"I want to update my blog! And check other blogs; I want to see if other Prussia Units have to deal with this kind of unawesome bullshit..."
I looked at him for a moment, and then sighed. "Fine. I'd kind of like to know if this is normal too. Let's go," I muttered and the two of us trekked back to the sanctuary of my bedroom, trailed closely by my dogs that had run off in the commotion of earlier but had now returned.
Once my door was shut and my dogs and I took up residence on my bed, Prussia gleefully spun around in my computer chair (but his technique was way off, his legs smacked my desk and he was left wincing in pain, sucker) before turning on my monitor and quickly moving the mouse to disperse the image of Italy sucking off Germany. What a nice picture it was too...
Anyway, he wasted no time in getting online and bringing up the Prussia Blog website. Before he started typing his own entry, he scrolled up the page. I watched his face, seeing as I couldn't read the German words, and noticed that it was growing more and more horrified as his eyes moved down the page.
So I became curious. "Are they really that bad?" I asked casually as he mouth fell open during one. Prussia swallowed and turned to me, shaking slightly and pointing to the screen.
"You have got to read this," he muttered.
"Um, I can't read German, just translate it for me," I said, waving dismissively.
"Er..." Prussia didn't argue, kind of strange for him, instead launching straight into reciting what was written in the jaw dropping entry. "Dec. 10, 2020. After being here for a week, I think I can say I've moved into the most un-awesome place in the world. I've been bought by another one of those crazy yaoi fangirl bitches who can't get laid."
"Well that doesn't sound so bad, sounds kind of like me actually," I said with a slightly bitter laugh. Was Prussia TRYING to make me recall my lack of sex life these past several years? But seriously, it didn't sound that bad...
Prussia went on, "To make matters even more un-awesome she's a furry, yeah a furry. One of those messed up chicks who look up animal porn and wear animal costumes for the pure PLEASURE of it. The hell?"
"Oh," I said, twitching a little uncomfortably, not liking where this was going. If there was one thing I definitely WASN'T, it was a furry. Those people always creeped me out.
Prussia shuddered a little and kept reading, "She even FORCES me and Germany to wear cat ears, cat tails and fuck each other. All while she sits in the corner giggling madly and drooling. (Messed up bitch right?) The great Prussia is too awesome to wear lame stuff like that while fucking. Though Germany always gets all flustered and uke-ish whenever she watches us, so I suppose it isn't all THAT un-awesome...But it can get pretty fucking creepy."
Prussia glanced at me to judge my reaction to all this and quite frankly I felt as horrified as Prussia had looked upon reading it. I did not approve of incest and furries creeped me out as I've said. Prussia actually seemed a touch relieved at the disgusted look in my eyes and nodding a little before continuing.
"Oh god, there was this one time she wanted to take us to one of her messed up, un-awesome furry meet-ups, (apparently they do that?) because she wanted to show us 'off' or some bullshit like that. Germany started getting all pissy at her saying, "REAL MEN DON'T WEAR STUFF LIKE THIS." Then she goes and says the most un-awesome thing ever, "You guys aren't real men, your units, MY UNITS." Can you believe that bitch? So naturally I start telling her if I should break out my 5 meter to remind her how much of a man I REALLY AM! But then she just throws a tiger costume at me and orders me to put it on, and says if we don't she won't buy us any boose. Fucking bitch. So yeah, it's really un-awesome here right now. At least she makes us some pretty good food. Till next time from the Awesome Gilbert "Prussia" Beillschmidt!"
I swallowed hard. "Huh. Well then. That was a bit... a bit..." I shook my head, "That's messed up. Seriously." I stopped for a moment, and then giggled, "That must make you at least grateful you're not as bad off as that, right?"
Prussia glared at me and I frowned. "Grateful that you plan on having Russia rape me the second he gets here?"
I rolled my eyes. "At least it wouldn't be in a tiger suit. And at least Russia isn't your brother. Hey, speaking of your brother, I don't remember there being a Germany on the list of units you can purchase online!"
Prussia sighed, "Oh, he's probably from, ah, a different company."
"Different?" I blinked, "Different companies sell you guys? And you're compatible with each other?"
"We're clones, not robots; obviously we're compatible with each other! Also easily accessible to the public, people are bound to make more clones eventually, there's knock offs and competing companies... I think Unit Co's main rival is Flying Mint Bunny Inc. They're almost exact copies, their manuals are nearly identical too, but Flying Mint Bunny focuses on anime characters and has more Hetalia Units available right now. Unfortunately once you buy from one company you're not allowed to buy from the other, company policy," Prussia shrugged.
"Damn, what a stupid policy," I muttered, though it wasn't all that stupid, kind of like forced customer loyalty. Not really in the spirit of a free country but none the less...
"Yeah well, I'm writing my blog post now so be quiet!" Prussia waved me off and started furiously typing German into my computer. I sighed and flopped down on my bed, staring at my blank ceiling and remembering fondly the pictures that once adorned it. So lovely they were. How I missed them.
In my reminiscence, absently stroking my dogs' heads, I didn't notice Prussia sneaking up on me until his head was hovering over my line of vision. I scowled at him.
"What, are you done already?" I asked in a rather annoyed tone if I do say so myself.
"Yeah... er, you wanted me to get a job right?" he asked suddenly. My irritation turned to bemusement.
"Ah, yes I did. Why do you bring it up?" I replied with a questioning lilt.
Prussia seemed to chew on his bottom lip for a moment before answering. "I-uh... well... don't I need a resume to apply for anything?"
"Er... yeah I guess," I groaned, "Though I suppose that's going to be difficult huh? I mean, I don't think you graduated from a University or even high school, no prior job experience either... do you even have a SIN number? I guess you wouldn't, would you?"
"Nah," Prussia shook his head, "But doesn't that Switzerland guy work at the ice cream parlour in town? Obviously there has to be a way to get jobs for Units."
"Well yeah, I suppose so, but I have no idea what that way would be," I muttered, unsure where Prussia was going with this. In retrospect, I was being a bit of an airhead.
Prussia rolled his eyes and gave me a look of exasperation. "Well since you're too unawesomely stupid to figure it out, we're going to have to go into town and ASK him how he got his job, ne?"
I blinked. Oh. Right. "Um... yeah we could probably do that."
Prussia snorted. "Duh. Let's go," with that said he grabbed my arm and pulled me up and off the bed. I was a little too surprised to stop him, and it wasn't as if I had big plans for the day. And he did need a job, as did America and... well I supposed China might have his hands full with Little Russia but none the less, going into town to find the information might be a good idea. Also, it was looking like I'd need more gas again. I didn't usually have to fill the tank more than once a month but I had a feeling I'd have to do so much more often now. How many times had I gone to town in the last week? Freaking insane...
I won't go through the trouble of detailing how I got myself, Prussia and America into my car, those being the two that agreed to get jobs, and drove us down into town. It's a boring story, since not much of interest happened. We got into town, I got some gas, and we entered the ice cream parlour. The only thing I can think to say is that Prussia and America were getting along surprisingly well. I would've thought they would get into some kind of argument over who was the most awesome and try ripping out each other's throats, but it seemed the dual awesomeness was just going to lead to some friendly rivalry. Hell, if he wasn't dating Corey it wouldn't surprise me if the two of them had some nights of rival sex. But I digress. Eventually, we got to the ice cream parlour and as expected Switzerland was behind the counter looking as pissy as he normally did.
"So what do you want?" he asked sourly as America looked like he was about to wet himself while reading the names of the ice cream flavours.
"EVERYTHING!" America screamed, and I whacked him over the head. He whined, so I pushed him aside and addressed the Swiss man directly.
"Hello, I was just wondering, seeing as you're a Unit with a job, how exactly you became employed? Seeing as you Units don't seem to come with social insurance numbers, references, resume options or even valid ID cards," I asked as carefully as possible. Switzerland frowned further before drawing himself up straight and answering.
"Units all come with valid ID cards in our pockets; though it's possible some Units misplace theirs. If so, you can order new ones from the company as well as the rest of what you just listed. You have to pay for them, but they're orderable."
"Oh," I said, scratching my arm and thinking. More money. Figures. "Well, it would probably be worth it in the long run since they would be able to make their own money then."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that!" Prussia laughed and reached into his pant pocket, pulling out a little plastic card and showing it to me. It was Canadian ID, listing his address as my own and generally looking legit in every way.
"So... you just call the company and they give you everything you need to get a job? Lucky dicks," I snorted.
"No, they can't call anybody; you have to do the calling," Switzerland snapped, taking out a rag to furiously clean the counter where Prussia had been leaning against it. "Only the owners of Units are allowed to contact the company that issued them, just like how only owners are allowed to purchase Units. Also, they can only apply to jobs if their owner says it's okay to do so or if they're ordered to!"
"Well we've got four Units and three Accessory Units in the house right now, so we kind of need to get some jobs! Even though we could eat free forever at McDonald's with my unlimited gift card!" America broke into his usual inexplicable laugh and I rolled my eyes. Yeah, I'm sure Little Russia wouldn't agree to that... or any other Unit for that matter besides America.
"Well thanks for the help I suppose," I said to Switzerland, who looked back with a scowl.
"You're welcome!" he said in a tone harsh enough for me to severely question his sincerity. Especially as he continued with, "Now if you're not buying anything, get out of my store, you're holding up the line!"
Prussia's eyebrow rose. "But we're the only ones in here."
Switzerland's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "You're probably driving away the customers! Now get out!"
"Well that's a bit rude," I observed, folding my arms, only to have Prussia round at me.
"Oh, you're one to talk about being rude! You're the one who said you'd push me in front of a train for your own amusement!"
"She's going to push you in front of a train? That's so cool!" America cheered, waving his fists in the air to Prussia's angered look. I on the other hand sent him my best expression of condemnation.
"Do you seriously still have that stick up your ass? As if I would actually do that! Geez! Learn to recognise an idle threat, I'm not a murderer! And I don't want to be tried for murder either..."
"Oh, it's not murder if it's to a U... ni... um, never mind!" America quickly laughed to cover up what he was about to say, but I could guess it and cocked up an eyebrow.
"What do you mean, not murder if you're a Unit? You're alive aren't you? You're... people... sort of. Still seems murder-y to kill you."
"You're not supposed to talk about this!" Switzerland snapped from his counter.
"I'll do what I want because I'm a Canadian! Suck my Medicare!" I flipped Swiss off before turning to Prussia. For all his faults, he was currently my number one source for this supposedly 'classified' Unit information. "So Gilbert, anything you'd like to say about this?"
Prussia pursed his lips for a moment, glancing from Swiss' perpetually angered face to America's slightly sweating one and then shrugged. "You own us. We're property. Unit Co made us exist in this world and can just as easily make it so we never existed, so if you kill your own Unit, or even if Units kill each other, it's not handled by law courts or anything."
"... huh," I grunted and shifted my weight to one foot in discomfort. Well then. It was looking more like I had filled my house with slaves each day. "And these jobs... I take it the money is transferred to my bank account?"
"Obviously! Of course we're not allowed our own money unless it's allowed by our Owners!" Switzerland growled.
I sighed, and decided to voice something that had been bothering me. "Hey, um, Vash isn't it?"
"Yes..." Switzerland hissed out, looking wary at the sudden use of his 'human' name.
"Well Vash, I can't help but wonder if you personally enjoy this whole being enslaved to a teenage girl thing? I mean you always look like someone shoved a fistful of sand into your vagina, so it's hard to tell if you're actually enjoying your life or not."
"What?" For once it seemed I had caught the Swiss off guard as his eyes widened and momentarily the anger lines left his forehead. "I... well..." he looked away at the wall listing the ice cream flavours, but I don't think he was reading them."Stephanie is a nice girl," he said finally, closing his eyes half way and still not looking at me. "She's kind and sweet, sort of like Lilli. I want to protect her and earn money to help her out financially. She didn't say I had to get a job or anything, I told her I wanted to take one and she let me without a thought. I'm happy with her, even if her step sister is kind of a perverted brat."
"Lucky you, I'm stuck with a bunch of freak Units and the Freak Queen who ordered them all!" Prussia unhelpfully chirped. More unhelpfully, America responded with his signature laugh, leaving me to defend myself with my own open handed slap across Prussia's forearm which barely even seemed to hurt the bastard.
"Well... as long as you're happy I guess," I said with a dismissive wave to Switzerland and beckoned my Units to follow me out the door and back to the car. With no further reason to be in town, I made to drive us home when I was suddenly jabbed in the ribs by an over-excited Prussia.
"Hey it's Corey! Let me out, I want to go see him!" Prussia whined, pointing out the window to the sidewalk where, sure enough, Corey was strolling along with his arms laden with groceries. Where his car was I hadn't the foggiest but I supposed it really didn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
"Not today wurst-breath, I've got things to do and I don't want to pick you up later," I said as I went to hit the gas pedal.
"Wurst-breath? That's the best you've got?" Prussia snorted, then glared, "Now pull over so I can talk to Corey! It'll take like… a second. And you don't have to pick me up! Just let me invite him over!"
"As if I'd… let… you…" I trailed off and my foot hesitated on the pedals. Prussia seems to have a lot of sex with his boyfriend. If they were at my house they might have sex. I have cameras everywhere.
Needless to say, within thirty seconds Corey had been apprehended, shoved in my car, and sent barrelling down the road towards my house at speeds that were highly illegal until I calmed myself enough to slow down. I think I might have alerted Prussia to the fact I was up to something as he was looking at me suspiciously from the rear view mirror having moved to the back to wrap an arm around the extremely confused looking Corey. America on the other hand looked rather excited by the speed and rolled the window down to let out a screaming laugh from the window. Okay, what was with that kid and laughing? He did it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and for little discernable reason. I don't get it, I really don't. But I digress, the important note is that we made it back to the house in record time and as soon as we were inside I rushed into my room, slammed the door, shoved the computer chair under the handle to prevent entry and logged into my camera network.
Although I was forced to kneel awkwardly on the floor of the study whilst I flipped through the camera channels, I was rewarded instantly on finding Prussia and Corey as they were making out on the living room couch next to a peeved Tony. This of course caused me to question what Corey would think if he saw Panda-aru… er…
These thoughts in mind, I decided it was best to abandon my room for the time being and make sure Corey was introduced properly to everyone. Careful to close all camera windows on my computer before leaving, I headed to the living room where Corey and Prussia had broken apart for air. Prussia noticed me and quickly buried Corey's face into his chest before mouthing to me to get Tony out of there. Not needing to be instructed twice, I rushed the alien and grabbed him under the arms… only to suffer an electric shock.
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK TONY?" I screamed, smelling my arm hairs singe.
"FUCKING CANUCK, DON'T TOUCH ME," Tony screamed back in his eerie trill. I noticed Corey stiffen and pull back questioningly.
"Er, hey, don't ruin the view of the awesome me by looking at the fat chick behind me!" Prussia laughed nervously, trying to block his view with his back.
"I heard something weird," Corey said with a frown and managed to push Prussia aside long enough to get a good glimpse of the grey alien on the couch holding a remote control and pigging out on potato chips. Tony turned his head and looked at Corey.
"… fucking Pollock."
"You're Polish?" Prussia asked in surprise. Corey scowled at the alien over Prussia shoulder.
"Well my grandparents on my mom's side are, yeah," Corey muttered darkly, "And that's a really offensive name you know."
"Whatever," Tony growled and looked away.
"So, is he one of those Unit things Derek was talking about?" Corey asked, getting into a more comfortable position on the couch and still looking darkly at the alien. Prussia froze and stared at his boyfriend wide eyed; likely shocked that Derek knew about Units and apparently told the guy he's currently fucking about them. I admit that I was also more than a little surprised at this development.
"Um, yes he is," I said carefully, taking a seat on the couch as well. Good thing it was a long one or someone would be uncomfortably squished right now. I wondered briefly where America had run off to... or really, where China, Little Russia or Panda-aru were too for that matter. I hadn't seen them since I got back, on camera or otherwise. But of course they could just be upstairs. I hadn't seen my dogs either actually, so they could be playing with them. Coco usually lurks up there too, and Kelly just sort of vanishes sometimes so that was probably explained and...
Well anyway, the more pressing matter at the moment was that Corey still was looking at Tony in disbelief.
"Weird. So he belongs to you then?" Corey asked me, reaching out as if to poke the alien, then thinking better of it and drawing back. Smart move.
"Um... well I paid for him but I'd prefer to think of him as Ame- Alfred's. Er, that guy who was in the car with us," I explained, trying not to look too uncomfortable at Prussia's warning looks. I knew he didn't want Corey to find out that he was Unit... the reasons for why were a little shaky for me, but I knew he didn't want it revealed, so I found his looks unnecessary. Did he really think I'd be so much of a bitch that I'd tell on him? What the hell.
"Oh," Corey frowned, "Because the way Derek was talking it sounded like you could get anything as a Unit. I mean if it were me, I'd get some super hot guy to fuck when Gilbert's not around!"
Prussia's shoulders stiffened and I noticed him begin to tremble a little. Oh. Shit.
"Um, you're not serious though, obviously!" I giggled and my eyes twitched between the two boys sitting on the other end of my couch. Tony seemed content to be forgotten right now, though I would imagine he wouldn't want to be positioned in the middle of this conversation anyway.
Corey shrugged, "I don't know, they're like robots aren't they? It's like a sex toy; I'd share with Gilbert if he wanted." Corey smiled up at Prussia, but the smile dropped when he saw the angry and rather hurt expression on the albino's face. "Um... of course if you're jealous of that kind of thing I wouldn't, I just didn't think you'd really care about something like that."
"They're not robots," I butted in quickly. I suppose I wasn't really thinking at this point, "They're like... someone genetically engineered a creature or person to look like something from a TV show, and then made a bunch of clones of it."
"So, clones," Corey shrugged, "Isn't that about the same thing? I mean, they aren't supposed to have souls or anything right?"
Yep. Prussia was looking rather emotionally crushed right now. I was going to have to work damn hard to cheer this one up.
"Well, that's not really how it is. If we assume there is such a thing as a soul, it would be present in any living being with a sense of consciousness and self awareness, which these clones seem to have. It's not so much a sex toy, as it is a slave!" I said perhaps too cheerfully. Corey's eyes widened anyway and I carried on... most likely digging a deeper hole... "I mean, even if they're a slave you can still treat them nicely and stuff, and they normally don't listen to you anyway, I mean look at Tony! Total couch potato and everything, but I hear some people threaten their Units and get them to dress and furries and fuck each other at conventions!"
And that was where Prussia leapt across Corey to cover my mouth. I would've gotten pissed, but once my mouth was shut I realised that it was probably the best course of action to take given the circumstances. Those being that Corey now seemed even more horrified then before. So he's not a furry. ...Good?
"Hey Mom! How about you go and find everyone else to bother, ne?" Prussia leered at me, and for once I was liable to take the exit where I could. I didn't even really register the 'mom' reference at the time. Saying a quick farewell, I vanished from the living room and headed for my bedroom. With the chair jammed back under the door handle, I turned on my camera system to discover my other units. And discover them I did, inside China's bedroom playing with my dogs and dolls were China and Little Russia. Cute scene really, with the exception of Panda-aru staring out the window at the back of room. Sorry but that thing will never, ever be cute.
"This one is my favourite, da!" Little Russia giggled and noticed to my amusement that he was clutching my Prussia figurine. Wherever Prussia had hidden it, it was no match for Russia and he was cuddling it for all he was worth.
"Ai ya..." China mumbled, rubbing his forehead and holding a Hello Kitty plush doll in each hand. Dudley and Bandit were wrestling with each other nearby. Like I said, very cute. Satisfied with this, I checked the other cameras in search of America and to my surprise I found him downstairs in the basement. Evidently he had chosen a bedroom and found an old air mattress somewhere. Currently he was using various items from around my basement to decorate his room, and I recognised an old wooden chess set, a vase with dusty fake flowers in Christmas colours, a couple of pictures of dragons and a reindeer ornament hanging from a nail on the wall. Okay, so apparently I had a couple Christmas decorations kicking around after all, how was I supposed to know everything I had down there? Anyway, America was still busy scouring for items and I figured that as long as he wasn't breaking things it wasn't doing any harm to decorate his room with some. It's not like I was using them for anything after all. After a moment, I noticed Tony coming down the stairs on the monitor, meaning that he had vacated the living room. This interested me, so I flipped my camera channel back to that area of the house.
They were half naked on the couch, making out for all they were worth, and Prussia's pants were halfway down his ass already.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD YES.
Because, as I've said, Prussia is a royal prick and I hate him but he is admittedly hot. And Corey, though far from Unit perfection, was admittedly cute. Put them together and what have you got? Me, horny, that's what you've got. Call me crude, but damn. And these were quality images too, I could see the sweat working its way down Prussia's face and the trails of spit that linked their mouths whenever they pulled apart for a moment or two.
That's when it hit me that I was very, VERY likely to witness some gay sex right then and there. This likelihood continued to rise as the pants came off, then the underwear, revealing two throbbing cocks standing at firm attention. And then Corey pulled a bottle of lube from... well god knows where. And Prussia takes it from him, and coats his fingers with it before sliding them up inside his partner's opening, both sets of eyes shining brightly, Corey's pants echoing through my speaker system, Prussia positioned himself and...
And...
And then Prussia fucked him. I mean, there were thrusting, and moans, and growls and well... I don't know... it was sort of a blur to watch because I couldn't really believe it was actually happening... that I was actually SEEING this happen on the couch in my living room. It was just... bizarre. Totally and completely bizarre. In a good way! But still bizarre, I'm telling you. Damn.
So they finished, Prussia collapsing on Corey and exchanging a few more kisses along the collarbones and cheeks before moving around to put their clothes back on. I'm fairly certain I had just seen what scholars would call a 'quickie'. But damn, just... just damn.
I mean, this is days later I'm telling you this and I'm still in awe of that. You never forget your first real time, real life, streaming video of a fictional character fucking a cute guy in your living room.
Anyway, I headed out of my room a short while later and found Prussia and Corey stumbling into the kitchen for some drinks. Prussia rolled his eyes and sent me another glare (what for I couldn't tell you, he could still be on about the train comment for all I knew) before announcing that he was going to the bathroom.
Once he'd rounded the corner I looked at Corey and raised an eyebrow. "He has to jerk off so soon after that?"
"After... after what?" Corey asked, looking as though he was trying to appear innocent. Phht, as if.
"After getting all sexy on my couch obviously!" I snorted.
"How do you know we did that?" Corey gaped, looking embarrassed. Oh right. Camera viewing.
Realising my error, I was quick to cover up, "Well, I heard moans, poked my head in and out, you know..."
"Oh... er, sorry?" Corey laughed sheepishly, scratching his head a little. Okay. He was cute. Fuck the off center nose and mole, he was. I giggled sheepishly with him. After a moment, Corey leaned against the table and tried to break the silence. "So what TV show is the alien from? X-Files?"
"No, he's from Hetalia," I said with a smile, not realising what I'd just done at all. God I'm an idiot.
"Hetalia?"
"Yeah, it's an anime, really cool. Countries are personified as people, comedy ensues as historical events are acted out by cute males making pinky swears as opposed to holding guns, fan girl wet dream you know. Derek watches it apparently from what he said on the phone, he could tell you," I said, continuing to smile. I'm such an IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT.
"Well, maybe I should check it out sometime," Corey said with a small returning smile.
"Yeah you totally-" I froze as Prussia stepped into the room again and stared at me, looking once again horrified beyond words. Here I realised what I was doing, but it was most likely too late. "Um, actually, don't bother with it, it's totally not worth the effort! It's... really long and no plot, just random, there's better animes! Like Code Geass! Yeah, go watch that instead!"
"Well, I doubt it's that bad, I wouldn't mind checking out a few episodes, if Derek's into it too..." Corey shrugged. "I'll look it up later tonight or something."
I stared at Corey, unable to speak. I glanced at Prussia, also looking unable to speak.
I'd just fucked up royally, hadn't I?
((Joyful Note: Since I haven't updated in forever I'll just end it here and put the part up. It's 25 pages anyway and we'll have them all go to Toronto next part after this Corey mess is dealt with. No clues on how that will turn out, but I DO have more clues on the name of my main, since no one guessed it last chapter!
Clues:
1. It is an obvious girl name. I have never, ever heard of a guy called this ever.
2. It is not a ferociously uncommon name or anything silly like that.
3. It is not a short form for anything else.
4. It is between zero and three syllables long.
So... if that helps anyone great. I'll keep posting clues until someone guesses it I suppose.
Also... MORE PEOPLE NEED TO SEND PRUSSIA BLOG POSTS! Because I want to use them like this... I like them... might result in a legit reason for you to cameo in this story if you'd like... the Prussia Blog post in this chapter is courtesy of my real life friend Hannah W who posted it in my comment section. Thank you Hannah! Feel free to submit more if you so choose!))
