This chapter is a bit different, I hope you like it, let me know what you think if you feel like it.
"This Romanian style breakfast is really great, Kens, you should have some."
He hadn't replied to her text, had not made any comment s when he handed her the balm and ever since they sat down at the table he ignored the huge elephant in the room.
"I'm really not hungry." She replied rather in whisper.
"Fine."
"Deeks… I am so sorry. I didn't mean that, I don't miss Jack."
"No, just sex with him."
"I don't, I promise I don't. You are …we are awesome. "
"Really? That's why you wish you could keep me off you? Kens, that sounded as if I were a horny dog humping your leg."
"I know, I am sorry. I was just … humble bragging I guess."
"Well played."
"I am not playing, Deeks. I am serious."
"So am I. It was really hurtful to read that, Kens. "
"I get that, I really do. But I honestly do not miss any part of my life with Jack and I love having sex with you, I wouldn't want you to stay away. "
"Oh, but I am going to stay away, Kens."
"You feel the need to punish me?"
"To some extent, yes. But that is not why. First of all I do not enjoy causing you discomfort and your skin down there really needs that baby balm and second … I really don't' want to. You should eat."
"That's why I love you so much. You are angry with me but are still caring."
He didn't say anything and took another sip of his coffee. Her eyes were almost burning a hole on his face.
"Seriously, this 'papara with sausage' is fantastic. We must have been to all the wrong restaurants when we were in Romania. They can really cook."
"How did you come across Romanian breakfast anyway?"
"They were the only ones to be open at this hour on Sunday next to the non-stop drug store."
"Well thank you for the food … and the ointment."
"You're welcome. You should make use of both."
"You want to help?"
"Do you want me to feed you?"
"Deeks…"
He was definitely upset and Kensi decided not to push it because the mere fact that he had asked if she wanted him to feed her and ignored the obvious intimate allegation left her feeling rejected.
He got up to make more coffee and she took a bite of the eggs. They were indeed very good but she really could not eat. Her stomach seemed to have tied itself in a knot and she really,really felt like crying. Deeks knew her well enough to tell she was genuinely hurting but so was he. What he did not expect was her just walking out the door without a word. She did not take her wallet, she left her phone on the counter and thankfully it was a really hot day because she was in shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops.
It took some will power to resist the urge to take her phone and see what she had told her other friends. Even though she had repeatedly checked up on him in this manner, Deeks still felt bad about poking his nose in her personal conversation. He wanted a relationship where she could tell him things. Things like what she liked him doing to her in bed, what she disliked and more importantly trust him enough to say if something was making her uncomfortable.
Worry started to settle in when it had been four hours and Kensi had not returned. He didn't think anything could happen to her physically because she could kick a lot of ass but if she couldn't get herself to come home it meant she was a little more broken than he thought this particular situation deserved. When by sunset she was still not back he started pacing through the living room.
Kensi arrived a few minutes before midnight and even though all day Deeks had made up his speech in his mind, upon seeing her all he could do is yell :
"Don't ever, EVER do that again!"
Obviously she had not expected that so she just went passed him climbed the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom. She had expected to be all cried out and calm but hours of wondering around on an empty stomach did not seem to do the job.
"Kens?" he called from outside the door.
She did not say anything so he gave her a couple of more minutes before trying again:
"Please come out of there."
When still there was no movement he took a few steps back and kicked the door open.
"Deeks, what the hell?!"
She was standing in front of the mirror, clearly trying to collect herself. He put the lid on the toilet seat and sat down.
"We need to talk and I don't believe that having a door between us will improve the communication."
"I don't know what to tell you." She said through gritted teeth. "I didn't mean what you read, I know it is hurtful, I picked my brains all day what to do to make it right but came out empty."
"Ok. What did you mean?"
"Nothing. It really meant nothing ."
"You wanted to talk to Mandy at six thirty in the morning about nothing?"
"No, she seemed like the person to ask about what to do with my rashy privates."
"She didn't bring up Jack. She did mention infidelity which I am much against, a threesome to which I must admit I am partial and an M marked sex toy which I am very keen on seeing but sex with your ex and me as horn ball, that was all you, Hun bun. "
"You'd like a threesome?"
A wicked smile was on his lips.
"Are you going to wager that hoping this would go away?"
"Well I don't want to but I don't know what to give you to make up for this."
"Sex with one of your friends is not it."
"Then what? What do you want?"
"The truth."
"I've told you the truth. I don't miss, want, think about my ex fiancée. Jesus Deeks, he was right there with me in Afghanistan yet my get away place was you. Making love to you the night before I got shipped out."
" Kens, I am not a jealous guy and I got why you went alone in the desert for him … I know I am your second choice chronologically but when you say something like 'I miss Saturday mornings with Jack' …"
"For fuck's sake, I didn't say that!" she was shouting by now " I just meant that I don't know how to keep up."
"Keep up ? I had a lot of time to think today and I realized that most of the time you are the one starting it."
"Is that a problem?"
"Hell, no. But I don't get it."
"Look, sex with you is fantastic. It is out of this world and I would not want anything more."
"Less?"
"No, it's just that staying prepared is getting to be a challenge. I shave twice a day, I shower every chance I get, I keep clean underwear in all my bags and in my glove compartment, I have baby wipes everywhere and I still worry that I'm not …up to par."
"Kens, you need to relax about this. I mean, you weren't exactly prepared for it to happen the first time it did and it still was an amazing night."
"It was but then I had an excuse."
"So you would be more comfortable if we established a certain day for sex?"
"No, I would be miserable if we did that. And probably go out of my way to turn you on. I meant what I said, the moment you touch me, I'm game."
He smiled and gently poked her butt.
Her lips also curved up and letting her head fall back she let out an:
"Oh, baby!"
"Don't ever just leave like that. Whatever happens, we should be able to talk about it."
"I was trying to talk about it, you kept complimenting the ethnic eggs."
"Touché. That was my bad."
"Ok."
He got to his feet and turned the shower on.
"Wash and come to bed. I'll fix you something to munch on."
"Does this mean we're good?"
"We're … moderately ok. "
"I can live with that for now."
"Use this." He said pointing to the baby balm. "And no shaving. Big M is not coming anywhere near you again until I see healthy skin and pointy stems."
"Deeks!"
"Not negotiable!"
The shower felt amazing after a day in the California sun, the 'something to munch on' proved to be the best mac and cheese she had ever tasted but as they settled for sleep somewhere around one thirty, Kensi found that him saying a simple good-night without a kiss, or a cuddle or even a 'Fern' or 'Princess' left her feeling almost as miserable as him confronting her about the stupid 'Saturday mornings with Jack' statement. Ever so slowly she wiggled until she was on his side of the bed, millimeters away from his body, her back turned to him. His warm breath was on her neck and she was positive he hadn't fallen asleep but he wasn't saying or doing anything. She thought she should scoot back to her side but she was dying to touch him so she pushed her ass against his crotch.
"What are you doing?" He didn't sound amused but he wasn't angry either.
"I'm cold." The utter stupidity of that statement struck her the moment it left her lips.
"Ok." He pulled the cover over her and she just froze. There was no way he would believe her. He knew exactly what she was doing and was obviously punishing her so she waited a few minutes and then motioned to get out of bed.
"Where are you going?"
"To… you know what? I'm not going to make something up. "
"Finally."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you shouldn't feel you have to lie to me."
"I am getting out of bed because I can't stay next to you when you are so …"
"So…what?"
"Cold."
"Kensi, I'm…"
"Upset with me. I get that. I get why. I don't blame you. It's just that I can't fall asleep next to you like this."
"Fair enough. What do you need?"
"You!"
"I am here. What do you want me to do?"
She swallowed.
"Kiss me."
"Ok, come here."
She turned around and he drew her close."
"Like really kiss me, not just peck my lips" she warned and he indulged her. The feeling of his mouth on hers after the worries and butterflies and desperations of the day was amazing.
"Better?" she could tell he was smiling.
"A little."
"Only a little?'
Instead of an answer she pushed herself against him and gently sucked on the pulse point on his neck.
"Kens… I meant what I said. We're not doing that for a few days."
Ignoring his plea she ran her hand over his shorts. He caught her wrist and bringing her hand up to his face, kissed it.
"No means no, Kens."
She felt so wretched that instant that she just wanted to once more make it out the door and disappear into the night but he stopped her before she could get out of bed. She wished she could shout at him to let her go but instead she crashed into the pillows and pounded on them furiously.
"Do you want to punch me?" he asked.
"No. I don't. I don't want anything from you."
She was wound up tight and already starting to explode. He knew that the only way she would calm down and actually fall asleep was if she got what she wanted yet he was not ready to give in so he pulled her to him once more, he back plastered to his abdomen.
"What are you doing?" she asked out of breath.
"Helping you drift into slumber." He replied and his right hand went under her shorts. She wasn't wearing any underwear. Mindful of what he knew was a sensitive burning area he went straight for her core, skilled fingers getting her fluids to gather and make her ready for a sweet invasion.
"Deeks…"
"No means no. If you want me to stop, I will."
She wished she could muster the strength so say no but she was so desperate for his touch that she decided to take what was offered. Kensi knew he was still hurt and that she needed to work hard on putting back together whatever her stupid comment had broken up inside him. For now ,she was in his arms, his ring on her finger and his fingers in her.
"Oh baby!" she gasped as his hand started thrusting. Desperately pushing herself against his palm, the special agent wanted to come but just couldn't. In spite of his skill and her level of excitement, the elusive climax eluded her. Long minutes passed, her frustration grew and when there were signs that his arm was also getting tired she decided she would just have to fake it.
"Oh baby, oh Gooood, Oooooh…" She moved frantically for a few seconds then suddenly stopped and motioned to bread away from him.
"I thought you were done making stuff up."
"Sorry."
"I'll forgive you if you give me the real deal." He resumed his ministrations, giving more attention to her clit, kissing her neck and nibbling on her earlobe. "Come for me, Fern."
"I can't." she whined.
"You can, sweetheart. Just let go. I've got you. " His voice was just that, his normal voice. Not his angry, hurt, trying to act as a responsible adult voice. This was Deeks, the man she loved…
"I love you." she whispered.
"I love you too. Very, very much."
And that just did it. Kensi could finally allow herself to surrender to the pleasure he was giving her. It wasn't an orgasm of epic proportions but it was exactly what she needed.
"Do you want me to reciprocate?"
"No. " he removed his hand. "I love you. I love you. There"
"There, what?"
"You said it three times today, I only said it once. I know you keep count."
"It's scary that you know me this well."
"It's scary that you still try to fool me. Good night, Princess."
