Chapter 7: Secrets
Shaking both from the morning chill enveloping her and with a hint of unrealized anger, Naoko stared at the Yamazaki's looming figure at the doorway. She realized that she was not completely covered and hurriedly drew the blankets protectively around her, a makeshift shield. Her mind raced as she drifted back to the previous night through her pounding headache. What the hell had happened? She couldn't remember, and so she glared at Yamazaki, knowing that he held the answers.
"It's okay. I didn't see anything," Yamazaki said softly, answering the unvoiced question. "I carried you in here after you passed out and slept on the couch the rest of the night. I only came in here to give you some coffee. You look like you need it." He proffered the steaming mug in his hands to Naoko, who quickly snatched it from him and gulped it down to drown her tainted morning breath. She winced; her throat tasted vile. As she wiped her lips, a familiar taste came into her tongue and triggered the switch which unlocked her repressed memories.
Suddenly, Naoko felt sick. Her shoulders sagged from the weight of what had transpired. Now downcast, she muttered bitterly to Yamazaki, "Are you sure this isn't sake either?"
Yamazaki refused to meet Naoko's staring eyes. He laughed humorlessly, "So, you do remember. I was sort of hoping you would forget that particular bit of information." Suddenly, he perked up and grinned. "So, I guess it's true what they say. Coffee is an age-old memory trigger, you know."
The fact that this deviant was taking the situation lightly brought some of the life back into Naoko's dormant rage. "Stop that! It was your stupid alcohol that made me remember!" Still keeping the blankets wrapped snugly around her, she stood up and thrust her face into Yamazaki's own. "How dare you take advantage of me like that? How can you joke about what we did last night? There is nothing funny about any of this!"
Yamazaki laid his hands on Naoko's shoulders and tried to hold her still, but it was like trying to reign in a bull. "Please stop shouting," he pleaded, the serious tone creeping back into his voice. "The neighbors will hear and this isn't something I would like to explain…"
"Well, you should have thought about that before you cheated on poor Chiharu-chan! I'll shout all I want!"
Naoko stopped yelling abruptly as she realized what she had just said. Essentially, she had just blamed Yamazaki for everything they had done the night prior. That wasn't right, was it?
She could feel her heart begin to pound as she relived the experience. Yamazaki's first tentative kiss, her dazed and slow response, and finally the red hot fire of adrenaline that had rushed through her as his strong hands caressed her body…
Naoko closed her eyes tight, trying to calm herself down, but she was dismayed to find that the reaction stayed the same. Her skin tingled as it remembered Yamazaki's touch, clamoring for an encore. She was startled to find tears beginning to form in her eyes, but was relieved to know that she was experiencing at least one decent emotion at that moment. Passion had presented itself to her, and like a fool she had succumbed to desire. She deserved to feel guilty.
She was a failure as Chiharu's friend, she told herself angrily, and a complete hypocrite. In the end she was no better than Yamazaki. She could do nothing but cry silently into her trembling hands, knowing that she had done the worst thing she could possibly do.
Yamazaki shifted his feet uncomfortably, and then hesitantly knelt down beside the distraught writer in his bedroom. "It's not cheating, you know," he murmured, almost defensively, beneath his breath. "You can't call it cheating if you aren't together anymore." This brief admission did nothing to alleviate the tension. After an awkward silence, punctured only by Naoko's continued sobs, Yamazaki tentatively patted her on the shoulder and tried once more to get her to speak. "I'm…really sorry. I know that means nothing to you, but I honestly didn't mean for it to get this out of hand."
"So you did drug me on purpose," Naoko sniffled accusingly.
"No!" Yamazaki insisted. "I honestly and truly made a mistake. You can check the bottles in my cellar. They're all unlabeled. I guess I forgot which was what kind of drink and—"
"Why are you lying to me, Yamazaki?"
Yamazaki stopped talking and stared nonplussed into Naoko's sad eyes. His shoulders sagged and he turned away. Suddenly, he could not even think of facing her. "I…I know you must think I'm scum right now. I don't feel too good about myself, either. At least believe me when I say this is the first time I've done this. I would never," he said, his tone growing stronger by the second, "never think about cheating on Chiharu. I don't want to hurt her."
"You're saying all the right things, Yamazaki, but you need to think about what you're doing," Naoko insisted. "You never officially broke up with Chiharu. You left her a message saying that you wanted to take a break and then refused to answer her calls. You leave your house for hours on end and when I try to fix it, you trick me into nearly…" She stopped; she did not want to say what she was thinking. "So when you say that you don't want to hurt her, I think—"
"Hold on," Yamazaki interrupted. "What do you mean by that first part? The part about not returning her calls?"
"I mean that you haven't been answering your phone or your door!"
Confusion returned into Yamazaki's face. "You need to get your facts straight, Yanagisawa-san. I've been answering my phone all week. Chiharu hasn't called me in days." A look of doubt crept across his face. "Or rather she hasn't finished any calls. I always check my caller ID before answering the phone. She has called once or twice, and I admit I was hesitant about answering them, but I have. She always hangs up before I say anything."
For a moment, Naoko was struck speechless by the implications of what she was hearing. "But…Chiharu told me she's left messages on your answering machine."
A pensive frown in his expression, Yamazaki thought over what Naoko had told him. Finally, a sad smile came into his face. "Heh," he chuckled softly. "I guess she's more afraid than I thought she might be. I…must have shaken her up pretty badly." He looked at his hands, a false grin still present in his expression. "That's…not like the Chiharu I know."
Naoko's mind reeled. That was not like the Chiharu she knew either. The Chiharu that was never afraid to confront someone, as she had done countless times in school. The Chiharu who was confident about every move she made. The Chiharu who always knew when to forgive and forget. Surely this was not the girl who was scared to hear what Yamazaki had to say?
Because that was it, Naoko was sure. Chiharu did not want to hear why Yamazaki had dumped her. Dimly through the shock that Naoko felt, she could hear Yamazaki continuing to speak. He spoke fervently and quickly, like he was ripping off an emotional band-aid. Perhaps, she thought distantly, he had the idea that saying it quickly would make him easy to listen to.
"I'll admit I haven't been completely honest with you. Or Chiharu-chan, for that matter. Hell, I haven't been honest with myself. It was a spur of the moment thing when I left Chiharu that message and I still can't get over it, but you have to understand that I've been thinking about breaking up with her for a while now. We…" Here he stopped and licked his lips hesitantly. "We've been at a standstill for so long that I've…she's never…I can hardly say…"
Suddenly he stood up and began to pace around the room angrily, still not meeting Naoko's eyes. "Why am I telling you this?" he muttered, not really speaking to her. "This isn't any of your business."
"It became my business the minute you got me involved," Naoko said, softly but forcefully. "Now, are you going to tell me why you got me drunk or not?"
In the heavy silence that followed, Yamazaki steadfastly ignored Naoko's urgent glances. Naoko was baffled by his grim stillness. Was it that he didn't have any answers? Was he just making things up as he went along? Maybe, she reasoned grudgingly, he was just as confused as she was about everything. Maybe this was much more complicated than a young man cheating on his first love.
Finally he spoke, and the answer he gave sent chills up Naoko's spine. "Maybe…I got myself and you drunk because…I wanted the freedom to do what I knew I shouldn't."
Suddenly, a distant knock on Yamazaki's door sounded like a death knell. Naoko's heart jumped into her throat. Almost routinely, Yamazaki stood up and walked out of the room, calling over his shoulder, "stay right there. I'll be back." Before leaving the room, he turned back to stare at her for one moment before saying, "You know, you aren't naked. You can stop covering yourself." With that, he left.
Left alone and embarrassed in Yamazaki's bedroom, Naoko could only listen anxiously for any hints of who might be at the door. Who in their right mind woke up this early on a weekend? Suddenly, Naoko realized that she did not know what time it was. She glanced hurriedly at the clock on the wall and noted with some surprise that it was ten minutes after eleven. Do people always wake up this late after a night of hard drinking? Naoko wondered.
Well, she thought wryly, if nothing else this experience will provide me with something to use in my writing.
Voices began to drift down the hall from the door like stains of music. One was Yamazaki's, a voice like a piano, cajoling and easy to listen to. It seemed strained somehow, like he was hitting the wrong keys. This was explained by the other voice, a woman's, which sounded like a violin, graceful, high-pitched and light. It was playing a sad and frantic song, hurried and rushed by a driven purpose. The sick feeling in Naoko's stomach grew as she realized who this woman was.
Chiharu Mihara was at Yamazaki's door.
Softly and slowly, so as to not attract attention, Naoko crept closer to the door and listened to the voices. Her mind raced, full of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, she was happy for Chiharu for finally coming to see Yamazaki. On the other…
…she was caught in a very bad place at a very bad time.
"I'd invite you in, Chiharu, but the place is a bit of a mess right now."
"That's all right. I can say what I need to right here."
"…Are you okay? I can see you shaking from here."
"Yamazaki-kun…I want…I need to know something."
"What's that?"
"You…didn't really cheat on me with some girl in a bar, did you?"
"Well…no, I lied about that."
"So, this is all just some crisis you're going through and we can get back together, right?"
There was a pregnant pause. Naoko swore she could hear her own heartbeat.
"Right…?" Chiharu urged.
"Chiharu…"
"What? I forgive you for leaving that…horrible message, okay? Can't we just go back to the way things were?"
"The way things were…huh?"
"Please, Yamazaki-kun…I don't want us to break up. We can pretend you never—"
"I don't think that 'the way things were' is good enough for me, Chiharu."
"What…?"
"I didn't like the way things were. I wasn't satisfied. That's why I left that message."
"That's a fine way to act…to the girl you've spent most of your life with!" Anger was creeping into her voice.
"So you admit it then?"
"What are you talking about? Admit what?"
"Sometimes…"
Silence again. Naoko shifted uneasily from her position near the door. What was he about to say?
What it was, she would never know, for at that moment, an insistent ringing sound rent the air. Naoko began to gasp, but quickly covered her mouth, aware that any noise from her would alert Chiharu to the fact that she was listening. Then, sudden realization made her blood run cold.
That ringing was coming from her cell phone. She instantly rued the day that she made "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" her ring tone.
"What's that?" Naoko could hear Chiharu's voice sounding from the hall as she hastily removed the noisy phone from her pants pocket to turn it off. Cursing under her breath, she glanced at her caller ID out of habit and then quickly hung up on whoever was on the other end.
"Uh, what do you mean? I don't hear anything." Yamazaki stammered. Naoko closed her eyes from pure exasperation; he had said the one thing that would make Chiharu suspicious. Her eyes then snapped open and searched the room for a way out. She knew that she could not, in any circumstances, be caught in Yamazaki's room. Finally, she spied a window at the far end of the room. She could have hit herself; why did it take her so long to see it? Quickly rushing over to open her path to escape, she tried to ignore the soft footfalls near the door that seemed to get louder with each passing second.
"It sounded like it was coming from your room."
"Oh! Oh, that! It's my cell phone. I changed the ring tone a couple of days ago."
"Since when are you a fan of Disney?"
"Huh…?"
"That ring tone. It's from a Disney film. Or didn't you know that?"
"Right! Disney. It's from…"
"Are you hiding something from me?"
Naoko fumbled with the lock on the window. Panic began to rise in her chest as Yamazaki spoke. Was it that he wasn't as good a liar now that he was older? Naoko thought irritably. Or was Chiharu making him nervous?
She finally managed to open the lock and began to open the window, her heart pounding almost threateningly, as if it would burst out of her chest. She forced the glass pane open wider as she heard the menacing sound of a doorknob opening behind her. It was about to be opened, Chiharu would know she was there…
Thwack! The door was forced back in place.
"Yamazaki!"
"I'm not done talking to you yet, Chiharu." Naoko could tell from the forced tone in his voice that he was only saying it to divert her attention. She hastily opened the window and placed a leg carefully outside.
"Yamazaki, what are you hiding?"
"Just listen to me—"
"No! Let me in there!"
Chiharu slammed the door open and faced an empty room. A chill breeze blew through the wide open window. Sitting not far outside it, trying hard not to even breathe, was Naoko, clutching her still heaving chest. She was trying vainly to stop her heart from beating a fearful tattoo against her rib cage, while her eyes darted about to see if anyone caught a glimpse of her daring escape.
Naoko could still hear Chiharu and Yamazaki in the room behind her, but was too scared to listen to what they were saying. Deciding that it would be a good time to leave, she abruptly got on her knees and slunk away from the house like a beaten dog. Then, when she felt as though she were a safe distance away, she sprinted away, not even daring to look back.
It did not take Naoko long to run out of breath; the experience had completely weakened her system. As she walked automatically down the street, she hung her head in despair, feeling close to breaking into hysterics. She could not remember feeling more miserable in her entire life. It would now be her fault that Yamazaki and Chiharu broke up for good.
Why did I ever get involved? she thought ruefully, stumbling a bit as she walked. Why couldn't I just leave it alone? Her head still felt like it was splitting in two…
And of course, she knew what she had to do. The only decent thing she could do at this point was confess to Chiharu the next time she saw her. Then, maybe, she could have a chance of putting things right. But…
She flashed upon the vision of Chiharu back at her apartment: crying, confused, listless…broken.
I can't. I can't make her feel that way again.
But then, she asked herself silently, what should I do?
"Naoko?"
The writer whipped her head around at the sound of her name in a man's voice, chilled by the thought of Yamazaki coming after her. But when she turned around, she saw Mikado, his emerald eyes frowning worriedly at her disheveled appearance.
The sight nearly made her burst into tears again.
"What's the matter? You look terrible…what are you doing out?" he said, hesitantly placing his hand on her shoulder. Maybe he was afraid of knocking her over, Naoko thought wryly.
"I'm fine," she replied automatically, noticing how dead the words sounded. "I was just…taking a walk."
"Don't lie to me," he reprimanded, fire coming into his eyes. "Something happened. What?"
Naoko could not answer. A desperate want to tell somebody what she had been through tugged at her heart. But as she stared into her friend's anxious eyes, she realized that Mikado was not the one she wanted to tell. If she told him, she was sure that all should would receive was judgment, or pity, which may have been worse. She bitterly kept her mouth shut, thinking sadly, It's for the best.
Mikado gazed at her for a few moments, and then sighed with the air of someone fighting a losing battle. "I suppose you don't have to tell me," he said softly, breaking the invisible bond that held their eyes. "But I really wish you would." A sad smile forced itself onto his handsome face and he playfully ruffled her hair, the way he always did. "Come on," he said, "I'll walk you home."
Fifteen minutes later, they were back at her house, and Naoko was blushing with shame and embarrassment. Her home was a compete sty. Mikado laughed with surprise as he spied a lone sock hanging forlornly from the lamp near the door. "Well," he said chuckling, "I'm glad to see you haven't let fame go to your head. I haven't been to your house in so long, I was afraid it had become all modernized and sterile."
Despite herself, Naoko barked out a laugh. "Come on, you know me better than that. I live like an animal nowadays…I don't know how I ever kept my room so clean as a kid."
"Well, you know…it's not surprising. People change when they get older."
Naoko looked into Mikado's thoughtful face. "Really?" she said with a smile. "I don't think so."
"I'll make you some tea," said Mikado hurriedly after depositing her on the beaten old couch. Naoko's eyes followed him as he walked to her dirty kitchen, and then she leaned back with a heavy sigh. Just like Mikado, she mused. He was always the one to pick her up after a bad day, even when they were younger.
No, she corrected herself. Especially when we were younger…
"It's not fair…things were going so well…"
Night had fallen hard on 18-year old Naoko's head. She was curled up in the corner of her room with pearly tears in her red eyes. Only minutes before, she had been sobbing, but she could no longer find the strength to do it anymore. All she could do was sit and speak brokenly to her best friend, on the other end of the receiver.
"Do you want me to come over?" Mikado said, his voice distorted by the phone line.
"No…you don't need to do that."
"Naoko, I know you're hurting. But Ijima-san was a jerk. I mean, he didn't even have the decency to break up with you in private, he did it in front of his friends…"
"Don't talk about Satoru like that," Naoko said tersely through her tears. "He didn't mean it like that…"
"Then how did he mean it? Naoko, you're being too nice to him. Tell me one good thing he did while you were with him."
Naoko could not answer for a minute. She could not even remember why she went out with Satoru Ijima in the first place. "He…he was the first one to ever say that I was pretty," she said brokenly, only now realizing that that was not reason enough to date someone. "I guess…I made myself think I was in love with him."
"He didn't deserve you, Nao-chan."
For some reason, hearing Mikado say that made her cry more, but at least now she could smile. "I thought I told you not to call me by that stupid pet name," she laughed despite herself.
"Yeah, but it suits you. You're like a kitty cat. You need taking care of, and Ijima didn't give you the pampering you deserve."
"I'm not asking to be pampered," she said. "I just want someone to look at me and not just see a plain-looking girl in glasses."
"Come on, let me come over," Mikado insisted. "I'll bring ice cream."
Naoko's tears were gone. All she could think of was how Sakura-chan and all of her other friends could comfort her and badmouth Satoru all they wanted, but Mikado could do it better than any of them.
It had always been that way.
"Thank you," she whispered and hung up the phone with a sad smile.
The phone rang noisily, shaking Naoko out of her reverie. Blushing furiously, she hugged one of the couch pillows close to her chest and sighed. She did not feel like talking to anyone right now. All she felt like doing was curling up with some tea and…
"Hello, Yanagisawa residence."
Naoko instantly sat up with a look of fury on her face. Mikado was actually answering her phone! Was he thick? Didn't he realize that she just wanted to rest?
If one thing irritates me about Mikado's personality, she thought wrathfully, it's his utter cluelessness!
"Uhm, she's…not really available right now. Can I take a message?"
Suddenly, panic struck her heart and her blood ran cold. What if that was Chiharu on the phone? She could insist to talk to her and then Mikado would know the whole story! Heart pounding anew, she closed her eyes tightly, hoping against hope that she was wrong.
Naoko could hear the Mikado hang the phone up, but still gave a start when he walked in the room. "That was your old friend Rika-san on the phone. She says she's sorry she couldn't reach you earlier."
Naoko gave a sigh of relief. It wasn't Chiharu after all. Then, happiness began to creep into her chest. She hadn't spoken to Rika in so long. It would be great to catch up.
"Um…you looked a little worried earlier. Is there someone you don't want to hear from?"
"Just make my tea, please, Mikado."
As Mikado obediently left the room, Naoko immediately regretted saying those words. All he wanted to do was help her. Shouldn't she give him a chance?
Then, before she could do anything, an insistent "ding!" emitted from her computer. Quickly scanning the screen, her heart sank as she saw the message displayed upon it.
Naofan2000 wishes to chat. Do you accept?
"Oh, dear god…"
I would like to be friends…
Shuddering as she remembered Naofan's last message, Naoko stared at the little message box. A horrible and cruel idea popped into her head, something she knew she would never normally do.
After all, what sort of person would rather entrust secrets to a complete stranger than to one of her dearest friends?
She continued to stare, filled with hesitation. Then, with her heart filled with self-loathing, she moved the mouse and clicked on the button labeled "yes".
A/N: Gaah. This chapter took a long time to write. I wanted to do a lot to make up for getting it posted so late.
I knew I'd get a lot of comments on the last chapter, and I sure did. Rest assured, I do have a point for making Yamazaki act this way, which you may have gleaned from this chapter. Can you find the hidden clues?
Hah. I sound like a TV announcer. Please read and review this chapter! I hope to hear comments and questions from all of you readers!
