Who He Wants To Be
by Gracefultree
Chapter 7: Eight Weeks, and Counting...
Posted: September 27, 2014
A/N: Writing update: I'm satisfied with the next 17 chapters, then I have a major revise of the next three... I'm ok with the following 13. Then I have an even bigger rewrite of the next dozen to go along with the first 35... so you have an idea of how long this thing will be, and I haven't even mentioned the next nine that are half-written after that, or the last half-dozen which are just in outline form... or the epilogue, which might end up having to be either very long or two chapters... haven't decided which yet.
Meanwhile, back to the story. Warnings for sex.
Enjoy!
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Ianto returned from the market on Saturday afternoon to find James standing on a chair in his room, applying glow-in-the-dark stars to his ceiling. There were rough pencil sketches of constellations, and markings next to each star that Ianto didn't recognize. It looked almost like a different language. It seemed like James had been there for a while, to have that much done. He hummed Moonlight Serenade as he worked, his hips swaying slightly to the tune as he danced on the chair.
"Ahem."
"Ianto!" James exclaimed, turning. The wooden pencil fell from behind his ear at his enthusiastic movement. "Welcome back!"
"What are you doing?"
"Putting up stars," James explained. "Isn't it obvious? You said you wanted to do it the other week when you were high on klonopin and emailed me about it, but none were up last week, so I thought I'd surprise you."
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Get down here and kiss me," he ordered, motioning James off his chair. James jumped down and accepted Ianto's kiss with passion and thoroughness. "How did you get in?" Ianto wondered.
"Steve let me in before he and Gary left. I didn't think you'd mind that I was early."
"Text me next time, all right? I would have wanted to be here."
James grinned and kissed him again.
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"…And that is Terra's Breath," James said, pointing to the last of the constellations. "See the largest star? In the center? That's Sol."
"Sol? As in, the Sun?" Ianto asked sleepily. James had been describing the constellations and how they got their names for over an hour, and since it was past 1am when they finished having sex and started talking, Ianto struggled to follow James's winding tales.
"Yep. This is the summer sky on my home planet of Boeshane. It was only visible in the dead of night, but I loved staring up at the stars so I'd sneak out of the house when my parents were sleeping. I wanted to travel the stars, you know. See the universe. See Earth. It was three thousand years since humans first orbited Earth, and they'd been expanding throughout the galaxy ever since. I wondered what the planet was like. Was it an industrial wasteland? Was it preserved natural habitats for nearly extinct animals? Did people still live there?"
"What are you talking about?" Ianto demanded, completely baffled. A yawn interrupted him from asking anything else. He snuggled closer.
"An Autobiography of a Time Traveller," James answered, kissing Ianto's temple. "The book I always wanted to write. It's about a dashingly handsome man from the 51st Century who joins the Time Agency after a tragic incident in his youth that left him homeless, penniless, and without family. He has some adventures, and eventually ends up on Earth in the 19th century and has to struggle to fit in."
"That's a really neat idea," Ianto said.
"I like it."
"Tell me more," Ianto said. "What kind of adventures does he have? What's his name? How long have you been wanting to write it?"
"I've had it swirling around my head my whole life, it seems," James said. "Hell, I made up my own constellations, didn't I?" He started running his hands up and down Ianto's back in a slightly hypnotic way. "His name is Jax, and he was born on the Boeshane Peninsula, the largest colony on the planet Boeshane. He was part of the first full generation born there, because his parents were born on the colony ship en route from Trintalasis Major, though many of his uncles and aunts were born planetside. The warships had faster-than-light travel by then, but colony ships had to follow more traditional travel practices, and it took nine years for the colonists to get to Boeshane, so they had a generation of children already by the time they arrived. Jax's grandparents were in the second shuttle to land on the planet, and they…"
Ianto listened, drifting to sleep as James described the colony and what it was like growing up in a place where every child was loved and wanted, where parents encouraged every dream a child had, where the threat of invasion constantly loomed overhead, but the people never lost hope.
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Ianto woke around four in the morning, the need to relieve his bladder a slightly painful sensation. Careful not to wake James, he climbed out of bed. Staring at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands, he paused.
"I'm having sex with a man," he said to himself. "I've been having sex with a man for eight weeks. Ten, if we count the first time." He paused again. "Shit." He splashed cold water on his face, thinking of earlier in the evening.
They went to an open-air cafe after James finished putting up the stars (and after a quick shag and an even quicker pair of showers because the others had come home by that point and Ianto refused to let James convince him to share a shower, since he knew full-well it would lead to another round of sex and he didn't want both Steve and Gary to overhear them, just knowing Gary heard most of it through the wall at night was bad enough), and drank coffee after coffee, talking about books and movies and sports. They took a walk by the Thames, not touching because Ianto was too nervous to hold James's hand where others could see, but enjoying the warm summer evening, still talking, occasionally bumping shoulders. By that point James was starting to comment on passers-by and speculating about their sex lives.
They went to dinner at a small, romantic Italian restaurant, drank some lovely red wine, and returned to Ianto's to curl up on the sofa and watch one of the movies they'd talked about earlier in the day. Steve was out again, and Gary joined them for a while, but he left when James leaned over to whisper something in Ianto's ear and Ianto turned his head for a kiss instead. They managed to make it to Ianto's room before things got too out of control, and Gary had stayed in the sitting room for a while, Ianto thought, though not long enough to miss everything.
Ianto sighed. He rubbed his thumb against the first two fingers of his right hand and stared at them for a minute. These fingers have been in James's arse, he thought. My cock has been in his arse. My tongue —
He stopped that train of thought ruthlessly. He wasn't going there. Not tonight. Not at four in the morning. Not eight weeks after their first date, when he was still feeling so insecure about the whole thing. His anxiety had been much worse since the altercation with Steve, and he found himself on the phone with James almost every night, just to hear his voice and reassure himself that they were still friends, that James wasn't leaving him. He'd accepted the pills James brought from Owen, and they helped, though James or Gary often had to remind him to take them when the anxiety grew too quickly for him to remember them on his own.
Three weeks ago he and James stopped speaking more than a few words to each other for three days, until Ianto called after midnight when he couldn't take missing James any longer to find James drunk off his arse and worrying that Ianto would stop their arrangement because of James's job and how he'd had to leave dinner for Cardiff, cursing a blue streak and getting ready to break speeding laws to get back before things got even more out of hand than Suzie said they'd been. He and James had three hours together, none of which involved sex, though there'd been a bit of snogging when James first arrived. And the obligatory conversation about anxiety and the pills James brought from Owen.
That night Ianto sighed, paid the bill and took a cab home, trying to figure out if it was worth it to spend his weekends with someone who could abandon him so suddenly with no explanation at all and just a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. (Which didn't phase him at the time, even though it was right in the middle of the restaurant, because he was so upset James was leaving in the first place to really notice James had done it until later.) Ianto had been peeved that James had to leave, but it had been the lack of a reason that had gotten him the most upset, and the fact that James then categorically refused to explain himself made him stop talking to him.
Unlike the argument the week before about sugar daddies, which Ianto claimed responsibility for, this was on James.
The gourmet dark chocolate that arrived at his door fourteen hours after Ianto's midnight call with a very contrite apology helped him feel better about the whole thing, and James in particular.
James couldn't come the next weekend because work was still out of control, but they spent a lot of time on the phone while James's 'experiments' 'did their thing.' Ianto learned a new appreciation for phone sex. And how soothing it was to fall asleep to the sound of James reading to him. He'd never done that kind of thing with a girlfriend, though both Gary and Steve said they'd done something similar with their girlfriends when still in secondary school.
James redeemed himself completely by showing up unannounced at Ianto's weekly trivia night Wednesday and winning the match for their team with his eclectic knowledge of history and random facts about seemingly everything under the sun. Later, Ianto allowed James to make it up to him in such a personal and enthusiastic fashion that Gary banged on the wall to get them to 'stop shagging and go the fuck to sleep! Some of us care about work in the morning.'
Ianto didn't even mind waking up alone, the thought that James would spend five hours in his car for just eight hours with him warming his heart and keeping a slightly dopey smile on his face all day. The text waiting for him in the morning didn't hurt, either. Billy, no longer at the neighboring desk but still friendly and normal, asked if anything was up when they bumped into each other, and Ianto just shrugged and smiled.
Needless to say, James received an enthusiastic welcome when he arrived three days later for their regular Saturday date. The guys were gone for the weekend, so Ianto finally got to fuck James standing up, right there in the entryway. They both enjoyed it immensely and tried for a repeat performance in the shower the next day. It took some getting used to, but it worked out in the end. Fucking on the sitting room sofa worked, too, and the kitchen floor, and at one point James wanted Ianto sitting on the counter while he blew him, but Ianto put his foot down. They cooked food there!
That was last week, and things were on a much more even keel for Ianto. Seeing James two weekends in a row after missing out on two felt really good, and his anxiety hadn't shown up at all since he came home to find James already in his flat.
Even with Steve's apology and James's intervention, things were strained between him and Ianto, and they were both avoiding being alone with the other. Gary, and James when he was around, made it possible for them to be in the same room together. Ianto was glad they had that much. He didn't want to lose one of his best friends. And they lived together, for God's sake! They had to find a way to fix it. Steve might be struggling to find guys to sleep with or date, but that didn't mean he had to take out his bad mood on Ianto just because he had a fuck buddy.
James jokingly suggested they bring Steve in for a threesome, which Ianto rejected immediately and rather harshly. Steve was his friend. He didn't have sex with his friends. (Except James. He was a special case.) And, he admitted (reluctantly) to himself, but not at all to James, that he didn't want to share James with anyone, especially someone he'd already seen James kiss once. He hadn't liked it then, and he doubted he'd like it now. Not that he would tell James that, either, though he rather suspected James knew. Those kinds of thoughts felt suspiciously like jealousy, and one didn't feel jealous of one's fuck buddy having extra-curricular activities. He just didn't want to know about them.
What would it feel like to fuck James without a condom? Or have James fuck him? He'd probably never find out, would he? One didn't have unprotected sex with fuck buddies, after all. Especially male fuck buddies. Especially male fuck buddies who made no bones about their history sleeping with both women and other men. They were both free to date or sleep with other people, though he didn't think James was, and he knew he wasn't. He hadn't done more than look at a girl in weeks, and even then it had been because James pointed her out.
He thought of how good it felt when he thrust into James for the first time… and the second, and third, and — God, it felt good. Hot and tight and perfect around his cock. He'd never felt anything like it with the girls he'd been with. James knew how to squeeze and tease and bring him to the edge and pull him back and keep them both going for quite a while. That said something about James's experience, of course, but, then again, James was 33, and he had 12 years on Ianto in terms of opportunities. Ianto also suspected he'd been younger than Ianto when he had sex for the first time, but he wasn't about to judge him for it.
Ianto brought the fingers to his lips, darting his tongue out to lap at the tips, but all he could taste was soap. Though he'd used gloves the first few times he stretched James, he found himself following James's lead soon enough, abandoning the latex in favor of feeling more. Seeing James's clean STI panel on their second weekend together hadn't hurt, either, or hearing that condoms were a non-negotiable for him. It made sense, with so many sexually-transmitted infections out there. Ianto approved, glad he hadn't had to be the one to bring it up. It was yet another example of James taking care of him and making sure he was comfortable with what they were doing.
Besides, it felt far too contradictory that he'd happily rim James without any barriers while he wore gloves on his hands… He closed his eyes, breathing deep, the memory of James's musk bursting on his tongue for the first time temporarily taking over his senses.
He smiled, remembering James's raised eyebrow from before when they were cleaning up and the way he'd leaned over to nuzzle Ianto's ear.
"I bet you twenty pounds that six months from now you'll be content with just a bit of water or a wet-wipe," the man purred, licking along the edge of Ianto's ear and making him shiver with pleasure. It didn't stop Ianto from scrubbing his hands or cleaning under his fingernails, even as James gave his own hands a cursory wash with a bit of soap to appease Ianto's sensibilities. "One of these days, you'll like smelling me on your hands," he continued, groping Ianto's arse playfully before leaving the bathroom for Ianto's bed.
Ianto sniffed his fingers, but he couldn't smell anything but soap, either. There was also no chance of smelling James's cum on his breath. Or his own, because even though James had insisted on kissing him rather deeply after swallowing Ianto's cum before finally letting them rest, Ianto had brushed his teeth. Twice.
He walked slowly back to the bedroom, his mind whirling with thoughts and memories. James, holding his legs up so Ianto could fuck him. Himself, curled on his bed in Child's Pose, James stretching him with fingers and tongue. (Those optional yoga classes at work had come in handy.) James's hands on his erection as he pushed against Ianto's prostate with each thrust of his cock, twisting his wrist in that perfect way that made Ianto see stars as he came.
He looked up at the glowing stars on his ceiling and smiled wider. He loved James's active imagination. He loved that James trusted him enough to share the details of his novel with him. He shook his head, amused, remembering some of the stories James had told him in the past, that, looking back now, were probably just him musing aloud about Jax and his life, and what it would be like to be a time traveller. That made more sense than James actually being in London during the Blitz. His grandfather had been there, more likely.
He gazed down at the sleeping man. James always looked younger when he slept. More peaceful. Innocent. Well, slightly innocent, which was saying something, since his waking mind was so full of smut that Ianto had a hard time believing that James didn't spend the whole day with an erection or needing to wank every twenty minutes. As he watched, James's eyelids began twitching almost violently. He shifted, rolling over to hug himself, a small whimper escaping his lips.
Must be having a nightmare, Ianto thought, getting back into bed and curling himself around James, rubbing his arms and murmuring softly in his ear. With a bit of a shout, James woke, thrashing about. Ianto hugged him tighter, trying desperately to calm him.
"Easy, easy. You're fine. You're safe," he said in as soothing a voice as he could manage. He started kissing along James's neck. "I've got you."
"Ianto?" James asked, his voice strangely high, still slightly panicked.
"Just a bad dream, yeah?" Ianto said. "Let it go. I've got you," he repeated. "I've got you."
Slowly, James relaxed, letting Ianto's voice and moving hands soothe him. "Thank you," he finally whispered.
"Want to talk about it?"
"Just the usual," James replied flippantly, his mood shifting in an instant as it was wont to do. "Death, destruction, aliens."
Ianto snorted. "Sounds like my life," he muttered, knowing James would take it for a joke.
"You watch too much sci-fi."
"Probably."
"Did aliens hurt Jax?" Ianto asked. "Could that be it, that we were talking about that earlier?"
James chuckled and rolled over to snuggle against Ianto's chest. "You must have fallen asleep by that point in the story. Aliens killed his father."
"Oh."
"Thank you," James said again after a few minutes of silent cuddling.
"No problem," Ianto murmured, kissing the top of his head. "Let's try sleeping again?"
"Yeah, yeah, that's good."
It didn't take James very long to fall asleep, though Ianto stayed awake, staring at the ceiling for another hour, going over his thoughts and feelings about the man. He was glad that he'd been there to help him with his nightmare. He was happy that he could comfort him. But what did it mean that he did it? On the surface, it was something anyone would do for their friend. The fact that they were sleeping in the same bed at the time didn't factor into it. Right? The fact that they'd had sex a few hours before didn't matter, did it?
He'd have woken Gary or Steve if he happened upon them having a nightmare. Just like they'd wake him. He just didn't sleep with them, so he'd never had the opportunity. It was different with James. They were different.
They were friends, yes. Good friends. They did all kinds of things that friends did: ate together, went to movies, hung out. But they did things that most friends didn't do. They kissed. They fucked. James called him darling and gorgeous and beautiful.
Ianto shut his eyes. He loved spending time with James. He loved the sparkle in James's eyes. He loved the feeling of being cared for whenever James took him out, or kissed him, or touched him. He loved that he felt so comfortable with James, more comfortable than with just about anyone in his entire life. He'd always had friends, but none had felt as close as James did. None had understood him quite as well. And how was it possible that James knew him so well after such a short time?
He loved the way James listened to him. He loved the way James was always encouraging him to push his boundaries and try new things, to be adventurous. He'd done more touristy things in London in the few months with James than during the entirety of his university years, just because James wanted to go with him and show off the city they'd both lived in, for though James lived in Cardiff now, he'd spent significant time in London when he was younger.
He loved the new foods James introduced him to, and while he might not have liked every single thing, he enjoyed most of it, and the company had been above reproach, so it had been worth it. He loved that James was willing to cook, that what they did when he visited wasn't always about spending money or sex. He loved that James didn't do more than tease Ianto about his mediocre cooking skills. They were getting better with James's encouragement, granted, but they weren't great. Nothing like James's.
He loved the sex. He loved Sunday mornings when he woke up with James curled around him. He loved the way James would stretch like a cat and snuggle closer for a few minutes of kisses and endearments before Ianto convinced them to get out of bed, usually by promising coffee. He loved how sometimes (ok, maybe 75% of the time — who was he kidding? 95% of the time) James convinced him to stay in bed for sex first.
James murmured in his sleep, nuzzling closer, his breath hot on Ianto's chest as his nose rubbed against his neck. Ianto sighed.
They were probably more than friends, he concluded. Friends-with-benefits, maybe. He wasn't ready for it to be more than that. It couldn't be more than that. He wasn't gay. Some straight men liked anal sex. It wasn't a gay thing. It was just something he and James were doing together. Whatever they were doing, whatever it was, he liked it, Ianto decided. He liked it quite a bit.
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tbc in Chapter 8: Ianto's Birthday, Part 1
