[Trigger Warning/Content Note for this chapter: Sayo has a moment in which she is thinking that it is a sin against God for her to go around dressed as a boy. Since she doesn't identify as male in this context, I'm not sure if that counts as transphobia, but I wanted to be on the safe side.]
Root of Love
Ushiromiya family conference, 1983
Sayo awoke to hot sunlight on her face and the faint whistling sound of wind brushing over the roof outside. She sighed heavily as she sat up in bed, running a hand through her hair so that at least it didn't fall all over her face. She found she felt stiffer and sorer than she usually did, even when first waking up.
Her eyes burned a little bit.
It might have been her imagination, but it took Sayo longer to get dressed this morning than it usually did. The laborious process of donning multiple layers of clothing, tying her corset only for her fingers to slip or for her to lace it up wrong, having to iron her apron because she'd forgotten to do so last night, combing her hair only to find it more tangled than usual. The whole morning seemed to be moving agonizingly slowly, down to the sun creeping up the horizon at a snail's pace, rather than
Sayo paused by her mirror on her way out of her room. She stared into its depths and affixed a smile to her face, but she found it strained and brittle, and such a lifeless thing that it soon dropped off her face. She pulled up an expression of polite detachment instead. It would be an affront to the dignity of the Ushiromiya family for her to be seen moping on any day, but on such a day as this…
Such a day as this.
She ate breakfast in silence with the other servants, barely hearing when Genji-sama listed off their duties for the day. All Sayo heard was her own—to go down to the docks and greet the visiting family members, as she always did—and she did not know whether to be grateful, to cry or to vomit. Certainly her stomach lurched and her eyes stung, but she remained expressionless, and merely nodded obediently.
In her heart, Sayo knew that she should entertain no hope. The number of beds the servants had set up was the same as it had been last year, and the year before that. If Battler had changed his mind at the last minute and had decided to reunite with his father, she would have been told to set up another bed before coming out to the docks this morning. There was no way that he was on that boat, and there was no way he would be here today.
And yet, as the boat neared the docks and the sound of Maria-sama and Ange-sama's laughter became audible over the crashing waves and the sound of the boat's motor, Sayo found that hope had yet taken root in her heart. It was just a little thing, this hope, the idea that maybe Battler had planned to surprise his family (surprise her) and had asked Rudolf-sama not to say anything about his returning to the fold of the Ushiromiya family. Perhaps she would hear his laughter as well, as the family disembarked from the boat.
But it was not to be. Of course it wasn't.
The adults were all smiling and joking with one another, though Sayo knew it wouldn't last. It would take a few hours at most for them to fall into their steady routine of trading barbs and backhanded compliments, and only a few hours after that for outwardly civil discussion to turn to violent arguments and recriminations. They could joke about turning Rokkenjima into a resort, they could comment on the weather, and Rosa-sama could even remark upon Sayo's having apparently grown taller since they last met, but she knew it wouldn't last. The children were far more likely to retain their good mood.
"Please let me show you to the mansion. If you would follow me."
No one so much as mentioned Battler, though Sayo chided herself, wondering why she was even surprised by that. It had been so long since she had last heard his name spoken aloud, and longer since she had heard his own father speak of him. It should not have surprised her. It should not have hurt her. She had had years to grow accustomed to such a reality, of Battler being forgotten by his own family. Sayo swallowed hard, clutching at her apron with one hand.
Next year, I suppose. Or the year after that. Or the year after that. I will endure silence until then. I can ask no one—what place has a servant to ask after the estranged son of the Ushiromiya family? Madam would scold me. I…
"…Battler…"
Sayo's heart jolted. She whirled around, uncaring if anyone saw her shock, her widened eyes.
"What, you saw Battler-kun?" George-sama asked Kyrie-sama with a smile.
Just a moment after, Milady added her voice to his questions. "How's he doing?!" she exclaimed excitedly, a grin playing around her mouth.
Herself, Sayo was grateful to them both for asking the questions that her station could not allow. In spite of herself, she felt a giddy, reckless smile forming on her lips, showing teeth where it should not have. Her heart began to pound in her chest as she looked to Kyrie-sama, who had spoken Battler's name earlier.
Kyrie-sama leaned against one of the low walls in the rose garden, resting her hands upon the brick. "He's doing very well," she assured them. Something perhaps a touch ambivalent shone in her brown eyes as she spoke, but it was only there for a moment, and Sayo would later suppose that she had imagined it. "I took Ange and had some tea with him the other day."
Sayo raised her eyebrows at that. She had gotten the distinct impression that Asumu-sama's parents were fond neither of Kyrie-sama nor Ange-sama. It seemed amazing that Battler's grandparents would allow either his stepmother or his half-sister, but she supposed that if Battler had prevailed upon his grandparents, they might have relented. Still, Kyrie-sama had spoken with Battler, had seen him, and recently, too. How was he? Was he still as cheerful as Sayo remembered? It seemed impossible that he had not changed some over the years since she had last seen him, but was he at heart the same person? Was he still the boy who had promised to take her away from Rokkenjima?
Did he talk about me at all?
It seemed that Battler and Rudolf-sama had both given up on the anger that had led to Battler leaving the Ushiromiya family, though according to Kyrie-sama, father and son were alike in stubbornness, and neither was willing to apologize first. Rudolf-sama looked away at this, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. There was also the matter of Battler being very fond of his maternal grandparents and having gotten used to living with them and going to school in the town where they lived—and that Asumu-sama's parents were still quite furious with Rudolf-sama over his hasty remarriage.
That… That's good, isn't it? Battler-san might come back to the Ushiromiya family soon, if he's no longer angry with Rudolf-sama. It's just a matter of persuading Asumu-sama's parents now, isn't it? Their anger must be the only true barrier left between Battler-san and the rest of his family.
God had heard her pleas, and had granted her this sign. That must have been it. God had taken pity on her, wretched as she was, and had finally given her a solid foundation for her hopes, for the idea that Battler might indeed return to the Ushiromiya family, and finally come for her. 'Your faith is not in vain,' God seemed to say. 'It is not a vain hope to continue to wait for your beloved. Have faith in him, and wait patiently, and he will come.'
Sayo nodded resolutely. She would wait. She could wait. Be it one more year, two, three, four or five, be it so long as a decade, she could wait. Suddenly, the pain she had felt over the last three years seemed almost laughable. Had she really been so faithless? Had she really agonized so much over Battler? Hadn't it been obvious to her that eventually it would be only circumstances outside of his control that kept him from her? Of course they would be reunited, one day.
I have waited for three years, and I can wait longer. The seeds of love within my heart have grown strong, and their roots will not be dislodged.
This is how honest my feelings for you are now.
…I… I love you.
I want to see you again as soon as I can. Until that time… I'll keep that bud of love warm and growing for you.
I won't doubt the coming of that day anymore.
Just as I think of you, under the same sky, I believe that you are thinking of me.
And yet, she needed to ask one more favor of God. Please. My feelings for Battler-san are as strong as they were three years—stronger, even. I have not wavered. I have doubted many things, but never my love for him. Demons have taunted and tormented me, but I never doubted my love for him. Please, God, grant me this one request. Let me know that he feels the same way. Give me a sign, just one small sign. One is enough; it is all I need. I know that it is a sin to ask this of you, to demand evidence when it is my faith that is required, but I must know.
"Oh, that's right." Kyrie-sama began rummaging through her purse. "It's been so long since Battler-kun last saw you all, right? I thought you might be feeling lonely, so I told him to write you letters. Here they are." With a deft hand, she pulled a thick brown envelope from her purse.
Huh?
Sayo felt as though her heart would burst. Had God heard her prayers? She struggled to keep from grinning, from laughing, struggled to keep tears from trickling from her eyes.
George-sama and Milady both crowded around their aunt. Kyrie-sama smirked slightly and handed the envelope to George-sama. At first, Sayo felt disappointment pierce her heart when she realized that there was only one envelope, but when George-sama opened it, two folded letters fell out onto the grass. He laughed good-naturedly and picked them back up.
"Hmm, looks like this one's addressed to me," he remarked of the first to fall to the ground. "They all have different names on them. Here, this one's yours, Jessica-chan." George-sama handed the other letter that had fallen to her.
"Thanks!"
Sayo watched as George-sama went around, digging through the envelope to find the letters still in there. Battler-san does remember me. He must. Surely there must be a letter for me there. I'll have his address from that and I can write back to him. I'll finally be able to talk to him again.
There was one for Maria-sama, though she couldn't read yet. Rosa-sama promised to read it for her later, and Sayo wondered briefly if Rosa-sama would hold that promise over Maria-sama's head in order to force her to behave, but shoved the thought aside. It was unworthy of her. There was also a letter for Ange-sama, though it had been not a week since she had last seen her brother. That was a bit… odd, but Sayo could hardly fault Battler for being an affectionate brother.
After that, George-sama stopped passing out the letters. Milady began reading from hers excitedly—Battler's letter to her seemed to be a recounting of his exploits at school and with his friends. Some of the adults gathered around Milady and George-sama, reading Battler's letters to them over their shoulders. Rudolf-sama seemed especially interested in the letter Battler had written to Ange-sama, though Kyrie-sama wouldn't let him read it. Sayo stared at the family, bewildered. Surely that can't be all.
She took a tentative step forwards. "…Umm …is that… all of them?"
George-sama nodded and smiled lightly. "Yep. Looks like that's all of them. Thanks a lot." And he handed the envelope to her, and turned his back.
Sayo's heart began to hammer in her chest. She slipped her hand inside of the envelope, feeling around frantically for another letter. There must be another one. George-sama must have missed it. There must be another one. There must be. There must be…
But the envelope was empty.
"Whoa. The more I read, the more fun it looks like Battler-kun's been having. Living every day to the fullest."
As Sayo had been unable to.
"That's what it looks like in mine, too. If he's happy, then I guess that's what counts."
There was a laugh. It sounded baleful and high-pitched, like the laugh of a demon. "That's so mean of Battler-kun. It sounds like he forgot about us until you told him to write those letters."
There was no letter for me. He… didn't want to talk to me?
"I wonder if he really does plan to stay away."
"It looks like he does. In my letter, it says that he doesn't plan to return to Rokkenjima."
The smell of the roses, sweet, over-ripe and faintly of decay, rose in Sayo's nostrils. The wind rushed in Sayo's ears, and to her, it sounded as though someone was wailing.
-0-0-0-
"Beato?" Maria's little hands touched her cheeks gently. "Why are you crying?"
-0-0-0-
"Love is an illusion. However, if both sides are seeing the same illusion, the love becomes true. However, when the feelings of each side are different, …then it's nothing more than a joke."
…
"It was nothing more than a sad… joke."
-0-0-0-
She was being tested. She had been tested for years. Sayo knew that her suffering was light compared to the suffering of certain others. There was a Greek story where a woman waited twenty years for her missing husband to return to her, and during all that time she had been assailed by doubt, by grief, by unwanted suitors in the last few years she had to wait. Penelope had been bound to Odysseus by something stronger than simply love, but by marriage and by the child she had by her husband. Penelope's faith and patience were sorely tested, but Odysseus eventually returned to her.
Three years was nothing on twenty. God was testing her. Everything up until now had been a test. Battler's leaving the Ushiromiya family, his silence towards her. Milady and Manon's laughter, George-sama's assurances that Battler had 'left the nest.' Her own doubts and uncertainty. And those letters were the most stringent test of all, likely given to her because she had wavered, yet again. Inconstancy could only be met with trials. She was just unworthy of Battler, as she was now. That was what it was. God would not let him come back until her faith was finally something that could not be broken by petty fears.
Right?
She wanted to believe that.
This would have an end. Her suffering would end, one day. She would find happiness, one day, when her faith was unassailable, and the root of love in her heart was not something that could be dislodged by fear.
This would end, eventually.
There would be an end.
So she had hoped.
But lately… Lately, it was just too much.
The Golden Land was possessed of a dingy gray hue tonight. The flowers had no color, and no scent. The butterflies lied prone on the ground like leaves; their glittering gold dust scattered across the cobblestones and the grass was the only color in this pallid world.
Sayo sat beneath the arbor, sobbing helplessly. Her shoulders shook with the force of her sobs and her cheeks were red, both from crying and where she had dug her fingernails into her skin. Why? Why?
How much easier would it have been to hate him? To hate her circumstances? If she hated him, or was even angry with him, she could have picked herself up and moved on. It would not have produced such unendurable pain, as though her heart was tearing in to. But she could not hate him. Sayo could not hate anyone. Hatred was only another sin; indulging in hate would just add more sins to the account of her deeds.
She had been arrogant. She had believed for three years that Battler had thought the same way she did, when there was no proof for it. She had believed that the promise that he made to her was just as binding to him as it was to her. She had believed that it was something he would hold in his heart.
"It's a bit sad when a girl gets the wrong idea for no reason."
That had been her.
She had just been arrogant.
"No." Beatrice's voice was unusually soft, so full of regret that she barely seemed the same person. "…I am to blame for this. My irresponsible words led you to believe that Battler made a promise."
Sayo drew her hands away from her face and looked up. She saw herself reflected in Beatrice's shining blue eyes, small and pitiful, worn and drained from weeping. She looked more like an animal in a cage than a girl. It… seemed fitting. Sayo shook her head. "No," she croaked. "This isn't anyone's fault. …It's all because I assumed that he felt the same way I did…"
She could not hate him, for he did not remember the promise. She could not hate him, because she did not even know if it was a promise.
Beatrice made a small, desperate noise in the back of her throat. "Battler did not make a promise. However, that does not mean his feelings were anything to be laughed at!" she protested. For a moment, her eyes seemed just as gray as the sky behind her. "Though there might have been a difference in degree when compared to yours, it is true that he liked you!" Liked, not loved. "Of that, there can be no doubt."
But Sayo shook her head again, slumping in her chair. "…Please… just stop it," she whispered. Fresh tears began to trickle down her cheeks. "…I've believed that he liked me the way I liked him without ever doubting that. …Please don't try to cheer me up. I would rather you mocked me."
She had been a fool.
The pain in her chest began to intensify. It was a dull ache, but grew every moment in agony. Sayo doubled over, clutching at her chest. She did not need to be told what this was. The seeds of love she had nourished in her heart had grown, but being unfulfilled, and facing the prospect of being forever unfulfilled, they were nothing more than a tumor. The roots grew and climbed like vines, over her bones and her internal organs. They wrapped like metal wires over her heart, squeezing tighter and tighter every time her heart beat, pricking her like barbed wire. This was love.
This was love.
The only way Sayo could have ended the pain was by ripping out the root of love. She would abandon her faith in Battler and abandon her love for him, and ripping out the root of love would be as easy ripping a little weed from its place in the garden. But she could not. She scratched and clawed at her flesh, but she could only pull out little bits, and never reach the core. It was too well-entrenched. Something that had been nurtured for three years could not be pried away so easily. She would die.
A trill of incredulous, sobbing laughter tore from Sayo's throat. "I… Even now, I… love Battler-san. …I want to see him. I want him to come back. …I still believe he will come back someday, and I want to wait for him… But… now it's just… just too much."
She was a fool. Beatrice should have laughed at her. She was clinging to her pain and the thing that caused her pain. So long as she loved Battler, the root of love would constrict her heart. It would strangle her, make her like a ghost that yet walked in fleshly form. She couldn't let go of it, even though it was obvious from those letters that Battler didn't want to come back to Rokkenjima.
I must wait for him for all eternity, despite how painful, aching, excruciating this is…
"Is this another trial?" she asked Beatrice desperately. "Is God telling me… to wait for him forever? I can't do that." She swallowed back another round of sobs. The beating of her heart began to slow, finally constricted too far by the root of love. "I… want to be with Battler-san. But if this is the trial that I must go through for that… It's too painful."
Beatrice worried at her lip. She did not look like a grand, mysterious witch now; there was nothing queenly about her demeanor. She hung her head, clenched her fists, and she looked more human than she ever had. Her hand went to her own chest, clutching at the fabric of her dress.
Finally, she said, very softly:
"…This is… my fault."
Sayo stared at her, confused. "What's your fault?" Beatrice had not planted the seeds of love. She had not manufactured Sayo's love for Battler. No one, not even God, could do that.
Beatrice stepped forward slightly. A small gust of wind blew through the Golden Land, kicking up the golden dust from the butterflies' wings. The glittering dust caught on their clothes, their skin, their hair. "For three years, I tortured you with the illusion of a promise that never happened. If I had not nourished the bud of love within you, you would not have suffered so."
Sayo said nothing.
The Witch reached out and took Sayo's hands in her own much larger ones. There was a look of compassion on her face that was more akin to the expression of a mother than a thousand-year-old Witch. "This may sound harsh… but listen."
"…What is it?"
"Forget Battler," Beatrice murmured. Her face contorted for a moment, but she went on, "…There was no bud of love in the first place."
"…No. I'm the one who nourished it." With worm-eaten faith. "…No matter how painful it is, I can't forget it."
"But you cannot bear that pain any longer, can you?" Beatrice pointed out gently.
Sayo hung her head.
Beatrice nodded resolutely. "That is the case, then. And it is the case that you cannot abandon your love, even knowing that the root will kill you." She sighed heavily. "Oh, my dear friend. People need a universe to survive. One person cannot create that universe alone. Two are needed."
"…A universe."
"Yes. You created a universe when you were paired with Battler. The universe was born out of the bud of love. But when two becomes one, a universe created between them can only crumble. No one can complete a universe by themselves."
"…And Battler-san won't come back," Sayo said numbly. "So that universe will stay dead, then."
Beatrice tilted her head; strands of her long white hair fell over her face. "Then you must create a new universe with someone else."
"But who?!" Sayo pleaded, her voice rising to a wail. "Who is there for me?!" Her eyes welled with tears, though her eyes were raw and burning. "Who could possibly…"
The golden dust on Beatrice's dress began to glow like embers or distant stars. "I will give you that person," she promised her. "A creature to bury the emptiness in your heart and heal you. Someone who will never betray you."
"W-will that person make me forget this pain?"
Beatrice smiled sadly. "Yes, he will. He will be your brother. You need a universe, and I will give it to you. And now…" She disentangled her right hand from Sayo's, and laid it atop the girl's heart. "…Seeing that you cannot remove it under your own power, I will take your pain from you. I will bear it for you. I will learn of the single element that humans possess in abundance, but I lack. …And you will live without your pain, and live to love again."
-0-0-0-
Beatrice's shape changed, as it must. Sayo fashioned her new shape, and watched as it took form.
"Modify this world. …Let the bud of love travel from Shannon to Beatrice."
Give her the blonde hair he loves so much. Give her grace, and style, and boldness enough to be a match for him. Let her love him, ache over his absence, long for him in her heart. Beatrice had been waiting… for three years now.
The world changed.
-0-0-0-
The next day dawned sunny, if a bit pale; the sun was slightly obscured behind a thin screen of cloud. Shannon yawned as she slid out of bed, but truth be told, this was the best-rested she had felt in weeks. She'd had a lovely dream last night, though she could barely remember what it had been about. Just the faint after-image of sparkling stardust and golden butterflies.
When Shannon went to the vanity to brush out her long, tangled hair, she started at the sight of her reflection in the glass. Did I really cry so much last night? she wondered to herself, touching her red cheeks, dabbing at her puffy, bloodshot eyes with a handkerchief. Was I crying in my sleep too?
Her face was a bit pathetic, to be honest. It wouldn't be the first time Shannon had shown such a pathetic face, of course; she often found herself driven to miserable tears over things that later turned out not to matter as much as she thought they did. But apart from the fleeting worry about what Madam would say if she saw Shannon's face, Shannon found her mood to be much sunnier than her face would have suggested. She smiled brightly into the mirror.
What was I so upset about? It seems like such a small thing now.
She'd been crying about Battler-sama not coming back to Rokkenjima again this year. Well, that was just silly, wasn't it? It wasn't really Shannon's place to be upset about one of the family not coming to the Ushiromiya family conference. Besides, she liked him, certainly, but it wasn't like the intensity of her feelings really justified this sort of display. I hope Battler-sama does come back eventually, she admitted. I know his family misses him, and it would be nice to talk to him about mystery novels again. But I shouldn't be getting so upset about this.
A new servant was joining them from the Fukuin House today. Shannon had been surprised when she heard he was a boy—it was usually only girls who were selected for this assignment; there hadn't been a boy servant in years. It was Yoshiya who had been chosen, though now of course he would be called Kanon. Shannon remembered him from the Fukuin House. He was younger than her, a quiet, reticent boy who had a knack for creeping up on people with silent feet. He was one of the few who had been nice to her there; she hoped that working with Kanon would prove as pleasant as interacting with him in the Fukuin House had been.
Since I'm the senior servant from the Fukuin House, I'll have to show him around today. I'd better get ready quickly so we'll have some more time.
"You look cheerful today," Manon observed as they made their way down the stairs.
"Oh?" Shannon responded lightly, not quite meeting Manon's gaze.
"Well, you just seemed really out of it yesterday. I was wondering…"
"I don't know what you mean, Manon-san," Shannon said carefully. "I don't really feel any different today than I did yesterday."
Manon raised an eyebrow, but didn't press.
Kanon had agreed to meet Shannon down in the entrance hall, which Shannon was supposed to dust today, along with the rest of the first floor of the Ushiromiya mansion. However, when Shannon got to the entrance hall, Kanon was nowhere to be found. Her brow furrowed. I hope he hasn't overslept, she fretted. He was always awful about oversleeping at the Fukuin House.
She didn't have time to go back to the servants' quarters to look for him, and besides, Shannon reasoned, if Kanon had been chosen to become a servant of the Ushiromiya family, his behavior and habits must have been deemed acceptable for such an august post. She would just have to have faith that Kanon would be on his way soon. She began to dust down the entrance hall, starting with the windowsills.
This Shannon did for several minutes, growing increasingly worried for Kanon as she did so. It was his first day, so he wasn't going to be held to as strict a standard yet, but Madam would still scold him harshly if it came to her attention that he was so late to start working. Kanon-kun's not going to make much of an impression at this rate…
"Neesan."
"Ooo!" Shannon jumped and whirled around, heart beating just a little fast. It seemed Kanon's footfalls were just as silent as they had ever been; she'd not heard him coming even in the entrance hall, where the slightest noise echoed on the vaulted ceiling. "Oh, Kanon-kun, there you are!" Shannon tried to drum up a chiding expression, but she was afraid she had fallen a bit short.
For his part, Kanon at least looked abashed. "My apologies, neesan. I…" His pallid face took on a reddish tinge. "…I forgot to set my alarm clock."
"Well, I won't tell Madam or Genji-sama if you don't," Shannon promised him, "but you really need to be more careful. It reflects poorly upon me too."
The red tinge in Kanon's cheeks darkened considerably. "I know."
He did seem to understand, so Shannon smiled gently and changed the subject. "Genji-sama just wants you to shadow me for now, so it's not going to be that hard. All you've got to do right now is watch what I'm doing."
Kanon nodded. "That seems simple enough."
"And remember: don't try to start a conversation with a member of the family or a guest. Just bow and say 'Good morning' or 'Good afternoon.'"
"I know, neesan."
"Well, I just wanted to be sure."
Kanon's first day as a servant of the Ushiromiya family was a good one, Shannon thought. The family who had come for the conference had left late last night, so the island was mostly deserted. Master and Milady were holed up in their study and room, respectively. Krauss-sama was in Niijima on business, and since Shannon didn't have table duty today, she actually managed to avoid Madam for most of the day.
After Shannon finished dusting the first floor, she moved on to vacuuming. She was careful to be especially meticulous today; Kanon wasn't the only one who needed to make a good impression, and Shannon knew that he would take his cues on how neat and thorough he needed to be from her. She had to be a good role model for him.
Once she was able to look at that idea as something besides a source of stress, Shannon actually took to it rather well. This was the first time there had ever been a servant at Rokkenjima who was younger than her. She had been the senior of other servants, but Asune and Berune had never truly taken her seriously, and Manon was (sad to say) a dishonest girl who would respect Shannon to her face but laugh at her behind her back. Kanon, on the other hand, was not only younger than her, but was someone Shannon had had a good relationship with in the Fukuin House. It was the first time she had ever had someone who looked up to her.
Shannon and Kanon spoke off and on to each other over the course of the day. Shannon explained more of what would be expected of Kanon as a servant of the Ushiromiya family. In return, Kanon filled her in on the news at the Fukuin house that she missed, being away so often. A few of the kids they had known had been adopted; one of the senior supervisors had retired. If they didn't say much beyond that, well, Kanon was such a quiet boy that he just didn't have much to say. Shannon understood that. They lapsed into companionable silence.
Shannon had thought that this was a good day, but came evening, it turned out that someone disagreed.
"Shannon, come here," Madam told her. There were lines furrowed deep into her brow, and her face had the pinched, scrunched-up look that usually heralded the beginnings of a headache.
Somewhat tremulously, Shannon came to stand in front of her. "Yes, Madam?" She stared carefully down at her feet. What does she want? Shannon wondered. I did everything right today. Are my clothes wrinkled? She checked her clothes, but they looked fine. Did she notice how red my face was this morning?
"What were you supposed to be doing today?" Madam asked sharply, arms folded across her chest.
"I dusted the first floor today, Madam. I vacuumed once I was done."
"Vacuuming? Oh, yes, Shannon, you were supposed to be vacuuming, but as it stands you have not done what you were supposed to do."
Shannon felt her face grow hot. She had been extra-thorough in her cleaning today; she couldn't think of anything about her vacuuming that would invite reproach. But Madam steered her to four rooms that had not been vacuumed to her standards, and sure enough, it seemed that Shannon had missed some bits of dust or straw (likely tracked in from the outside) on the floor in those rooms. "You will re-vacuum these rooms immediately, and you will do it correctly this time. I will inspect the rooms when you are finished, and if I find them unsatisfactory, you will redo your work as many times as necessary until you get it right. I'll not have you debase the name of the Ushiromiya family by doing otherwise. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Madam," Shannon mumbled. Her heart knotted with shame. I guess I didn't do such a good job after all.
With that, Madam stalked out of the room, leaving Shannon to start re-vacuuming the designated rooms. Shannon's stomach grumbled with hunger; she'd eaten lunch around two in the afternoon and it was nearly eight now. However, Madam would be even angrier if she knew that Shannon had stopped to eat. There was nothing for it but to keep on working.
I still haven't finished all of my homework for school this week. I hope I don't have to stay up too late finishing it now.
…Am I still so incompetent?
"She's wrong."
Kanon glared at the door, as though he thought he could transmit his anger form the door to Madam that way. "Neesan, there's nothing wrong with your work," he insisted. "You've been working all day, just like you do every day. Madam's never had to work a day in her life; what does she know about your work?"
Shannon smiled gently at him, but said, "You shouldn't say such things, Kanon-kun. Madam is a member of the Ushiromiya family, and we're just servants. It's not our place to question her. You should speak of Madam more respectfully."
Kanon's scowl only deepened. "Why should I treat Madam with respect when she doesn't treat you with any respect at all?"
-0-0-0-
Sayo went back up to her room with Madam's words still ringing in her ears. After she finished her homework, she lied back on her bed and stared up at the ceiling, frowning.
It… had felt good, to have Kanon criticize Madam. It should not have; it really should not have. Shannon spoke the truth—Madam was a member of the Ushiromiya family, Sayo was a servant, and whatever Madam decided was right and just, and not something Sayo could argue against. God wouldn't look favorably upon her disrespecting Madam like that.
But when Kanon said the words, she could not silence him. Once the words started to be said, they flowed out like a river bursting the bonds of ice at winter's end. It felt good to have Kanon stand up for Shannon. It felt good to have Kanon get angry. It felt good to have Kanon call Madam 'wrong' and say that someone who'd never worked a day in her life had no idea how hard it was to do so.
"Well, of course," Beatrice said. She stood by the window with her back to Sayo as it often was now, with her long golden hair coursing well past her shoulders. She turned towards Sayo briefly and smiled without mirth. "It always feels good to speak evil words."
Sayo turned on her bed and laid sideways, arms curled over her head. Her brow furrowed, and a troubled feeling unfurled in her chest.
Now that Kanon was with her, she did not think she could do without him. She needed someone who would stand up for Shannon (for her), and needed someone who could give voice to the words that Shannon could never say or even think. She needed someone who could be bitter. She needed someone who didn't have to be happy all the time.
(She needed someone to shoulder the burden of her pain, as well. That was what Beatrice was for now. Beatrice would hold on to Sayo's feelings of pain and uncertainty, of abandonment. It would be Beatrice who waited without hope. Sayo had shifted that back-breaking burden to Beatrice. It was not hers anymore. She was not the one who pined for Battler-sama anymore. So why did she still feel that dull, constant ache?)
But it wasn't enough to have Kanon as a ghost-like creature who could only reassure Shannon and glare at those who had given him offense. Kanon could speak only to Shannon, and that wasn't enough. Sayo needed Kanon to be someone who could lift his voice where others could hear him, and she alone could make that happen.
It would be easy enough to get her hands on a boy servant's uniform. Genji-sama kept them in a closet in the servants' quarters, the same as the girl servants' uniforms when they weren't being used (And sometimes Sayo wondered where the uniform she had worn as a little girl had come from; did it used to be more common for small children to become servants on Rokkenjima?). The closet wasn't locked and if she went down especially early in the morning she could sneak one up without anyone noticing.
But how will I explain this to Genji-sama or Kumasawa-san? Sayo wondered anxiously. Genji-sama carries out the inspections of prospective servants and he approves their employment. He would know right away that Kanon hadn't been selected to work on Rokkenjima. Sayo imagined trying to explain her desire to work part of the time as a boy servant to Genji-sama, and failed.
I suppose I'll just have to think of something.
It would be easy enough to pass as a boy too. Sayo hadn't started her period yet, she was taller than a lot of the girl at her school now (though she'd probably make a short boy), and her gawky, boyish physique wouldn't betray her as a girl in boy's clothing. I might actually look better in boy's clothes than I do in girl's, Sayo thought gloomily. After all, my body already looks like a boy's. Wearing her hair long threw a wrench into this plan—Sayo's hair was the only particularly feminine thing about her (even her voice, though lighter than a boy's, was deeper than was considered attractive in a young girl), and she would not have cut it for the world—but if the cap boy servants wore was as large as the one girl servants wore, Sayo supposed she could tie her hair into a tight knob and wear her cap so it covered the knob. She'd wear her bangs loose so it would look more natural.
Shannon and Kanon's physical appearances and mannerisms would have to be differentiated further. Well, Sayo supposed Shannon could start speaking in a higher-pitched voice, and Kanon would speak in a slightly deeper voice than Sayo normally did. He would use 'boku' as a personal pronoun instead of 'watashi' and otherwise speak more formally than Shannon did. Sayo had a curling iron that Milady Jessica had secretly given her for her birthday long ago. If she bought a straightening iron the next time she was on the mainland, she could curl her hair as Shannon and straighten it as Kanon. Perhaps Shannon could start wearing makeup as well. Shannon would smile all the time, and Kanon, being a gloomy boy, would smile but rarely.
Of course, Sayo needed to avoid the chance that the family or Manon would recognize Kanon for Shannon. Assuming that she could get Genji-sama to agree to this, perhaps she could persuade him to give Kanon mostly just jobs outside where he would be less likely to run into members of the family or the female servants, who mostly worked inside. Beyond that, it would be imperative to ensure that Shannon and Kanon were never on duty at the same time.
She could do this. She had to do this. What Sayo had tasted in Kanon today was not something she could live without.
As her thoughts began to shift from her plans, Sayo felt a pang. She couldn't imagine what the adults at the Fukuin House would say if they could hear her now. She was a girl. Even if she made a very poor girl indeed, God had made her a girl, and to start wearing boy's clothing and pretending to be a boy was an affront against God. It was a sin against God, who had meant for Sayo to live as a girl and as a woman.
Sayo squeezed her eyes shut, and shook her head. I've already committed many sins against God, none of which I can ever confess. This seems like a pittance in comparison to those.
She needed this too badly for her to be ruled by her qualms.
-0-0-0-
Sayo had expected that explaining her plan to Genji-sama and Kumasawa-san and enlisting their support would be the most difficult hurdle to pass. It had taken her four days to figure out how to phrase it, and another week for her to work up the nerve to ask them for their help. But oddly enough, she didn't have a hard time eliciting their aid at all.
Kumasawa-san immediately loved the idea of Sayo starting to work as Kanon. To her, it was a wonderful prank to be played on everyone who wasn't in the know. Of course she would help her, Kumasawa-san assured Sayo.
Genji-sama paused for a long moment. He stared at Sayo very hard, as though trying to divine her thoughts. But when he spoke, he told her to wait a month, as that was how long it took for him to approve the selection of a new servant from the Fukuin House. Kanon would be assigned mostly outdoors' work, but he would also be one of the few servants allowed to wait directly upon Master.
Kanon will wear the One-Winged Eagle on his clothes, Sayo thought with awe. She (no, Shannon; it was Shannon, now) had been shown a great deal of favor by Master, certainly, but wearing the One-Winged Eagle was another matter altogether. Not even everyone who was a member of the Ushiromiya family was allowed to wear the One-Winged Eagle; those who had married into the family certainly weren't.
Madam won't be pleased, Sayo mused. Eva-sama always makes a point to needle her about that when she thinks Madam's over-stepping her bounds. Madam may not mind that Genji-sama wears the Eagle—Genji-sama's served Master for decades now—but if a young boy servant is allowed that honor right away, she'll be ill-disposed to him from the start.
But Kanon can handle it, I think. He's a resolute boy; he can handled undeserved animosity.
At first, Sayo had balked a little at the idea of waiting a moment to introduce Kanon to the world of Rokkenjima. But Genji-sama insisted, and when Sayo thought about it, it was probably better that way. A month would give Kanon time to become more concrete of an image. There would be less of a chance for slip-ups that way.
It would be such a relief to be someone else. If Sayo had to wait a month for that, so be it.
-0-0-0-
His birth name was Yoshiya, though the blessed name he had been given to use as a servant of the Ushiromiya family was Kanon, and 'Kanon' would be how he was called now. He had a surname, but Kanon didn't see why anyone would really want to know. If asked, he would answer 'Yasuda' and no one would be able to tell if he was telling the truth or not.
Today, this stunningly bright, chilly day in November, was Kanon's first day of work at the Ushiromiya mansion on Rokkenjima. Truth be told, even though all the kids at the Fukuin House who wanted to do well in the world vied for such a position, Kanon was pretty neutral towards the idea of being a servant of the Ushiromiya family. He had mostly accepted the post in order to be closer to Shannon.
Shannon was an older girl at the Fukuin House whom Kanon had always looked up to. Though Shannon wasn't very popular with the other kids, she had always been kind to Kanon and he thought of her as something of an older sister. Shannon's long hours at Rokkenjima had largely taken her away from the Fukuin House for years, and this seemed like the best way for them to spend time together. It wasn't like either of them were really going to be adopted, anyways.
Kanon certainly hadn't agreed to become a servant for the work, well-paying as it might have been. Boy servants were mostly set to do outdoors work (though if there was a shortage inside, Kanon would be called in) and Kanon in particular was trimming the rose bushes and replanting a few new saplings that had been ripped out of the ground, roots and all, during a recent storm. The work was in intervals mind-numbing and back-breaking, and Kanon had no idea why such a young boy was being asked to replant trees.
You'd think Madam would get one of the adults to do this instead, Kanon grumbled mentally as he struggled to right a downed oak sapling. But what does she know? She doesn't actually care about us servants; she barely even looked at me this morning when we were introduced. If we don't perform to her standards she'll go red in the face and scream at us, but if we do the job right she doesn't even notice. What an awful woman.
I must not be much of a man, though, if this is getting to me. He scowled and hefted the oak sapling in his arms, only to fall to the ground. I will finish this.
Madam was thus far the only member of the Ushiromiya family Kanon had met. Master was in a terrible mood and had been shut up in his study for days; Krauss-sama and Milady Jessica proved elusive, and Kanon had no interest in seeking them out. Since Kanon would be attending upon Master directly, he hoped Master would be more personable than Madam had been, but somehow, he doubted it highly. Shannon said that Master could be very kind, but Kanon had heard too many stories that said unequivocally otherwise.
Kanon did like Genji-sama and Kumasawa-san, though. Kumasawa-san was a kind, if somewhat lazy woman; however, though she did tend to slack off of work, she didn't try to pass her work on to other people, so that was definitely a mark in her favor. She gave Kanon a few words of advice on who in the Ushiromiya family to avoid and whose favor to court, and she treated him as though he had always been there without expecting him to know everything that he was supposed to do. Genji-sama was grave and sober and professional, everything Kanon knew he should aspire to be as a man. Kanon knew from Genji-sama's behavior towards him that he could trust him as a mentor.
Kawano-san the cook was alright, Kanon supposed, though he didn't really care for Kawano-san's constant air of irritation. The other adult servants who worked here part-time were alright too, especially the man who had eventually come to Kanon's rescue with the saplings (Though it was still deeply embarrassing to have to admit that he couldn't do this himself).
And then there was Manon.
-0-0-0-
"He was so rude!" Manon exclaimed, her face red with indignation. "I just asked him if he wanted to spend the afternoon break with me and he said I'd make bad company! Who does that?!"
Shannon grimaced slightly. "I suppose Kanon-kun just isn't much of a people person."
Manon snorted indelicately. "You're too nice, Shannon. Kanon's just a jerk; that's all there is to it." She frowned. "I hate to admit, but I actually thought he looked kind of cute," she muttered.
Shannon said nothing.
-0-0-0-
A week after Kanon started work at Rokkenjima, Master finally consented to allow someone other than Genji-sama into his study. It was at this point that Kanon was finally introduced to Ushiromiya Kinzo, head of the Ushiromiya family.
"Kanon, at your service." Kanon barely remembered to doff his cap before bowing, and probably replaced it too soon after bowing. He managed to keep his expression neutral, though, if only barely. It was oddly difficult to meet Master's gaze.
Master stared back at Kanon with strangely piercing gray eyes. He looked Kanon up and down, eyes narrowing. There was something about his stare that made the hairs on the back of Kanon's neck stand up. What will he say to me?
But then, unexpectedly, Master chuckled. "Well, come here, boy. I have some questions for you."
Just a note: 'Watashi' and 'boku' are personal pronouns in Japanese. 'Watashi' is gender-neutral, associated both with women and with men, though a man whose uses this pronoun in an informal situation might come across as a bit effeminate. 'Boku', on the other hand, is a masculine pronoun mostly used by young boys.
