"Right, so, next up is the guy who sold us our model weapons." he said. "But we also pawned off treasures we got in palaces to him."
"And he didn't ask why you were buying all these model weapons?" she asked.
"I told him I was an enthusiast, and we left it at that." he said.
"Do you do most of the shopping yourself?" she inquired.
"In the beginning, yes, but when my advisor joined, we-" *cough cough*
He was unable to finish his sentence, only managing a loud, violent fit of coughing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"S-Sorry." he forced out. "O-One sec…"
She patiently waited as he continued to cough into his fist.
"I can be rather stubborn." he admitted. "As a leader, I value efficiency and professionalism. So, I like to handle most things myself." he said.
"You don't strike me as the professional type." she stated.
"Well, I'm not acting as the leader right now, so I can relax a bit."
"Are you really relaxed?" she wondered. "You're being interrogated for your potential involvement in two murders, among other crimes. Nobody would be relaxed."
He wasn't relaxed, sure.
But she didn't need to know that.
She also didn't need to know, at least right now, that was life was on the line.
Right now, he would need to channel Joker.
Joker was fearless.
Joker never lost his cool.
Joker was brutally efficient, professional, and great at everything he did.
He took a deep breath to calm himself…
And flinched in the process.
"Why… does it hurt so much to breath?" he mused. "How much did those guys hurt me?"
He fought through the pain, as Joker could endure anything, from fire, to blades, to nuclear energy.
This pain was nothing.
This drug was nothing.
He would keep fighting.
"My advisor, who's also my second in command, brought to my attention that by splitting up shopping duties, I would lessen the amount of time I spent on my duties, while maintaining the same level of efficiency." Joker calmly explained.
The prosecutor's eyebrow rose in confusion.
"What's with the sudden change in demeanor?" she thought.
"Normally I alternate shopping duties with my advisor. One time, however, I was concerned for Fox's financial status, so I thought that it would be best if we split our earnings and each do our own shopping. My second in command took it upon themselves to make sure everyone was spending their money appropriately."
"And how did that go?" the prosecutor asked.
"Well, that's when I learned that a lot of my teammates are wasteful spenders." he deadpanned.
Instead of armor or weapons, Ann had spent most of her money on a new purse.
Ryuji had spent his on new sneakers.
And Yusuke had spent his on anything but food.
Makoto had, thankfully, helped Yusuke by showing him the wonderful world of the internet for deals on art supplies, preventing him from starving himself to death.
Ann and Ryuji… did not get off so easy.
A sweet tone and smile at odds with the intimidating vibe she gave off, it took only a few words from Makoto to have the two of them beg for mercy for their wasteful shopping.
On that day, the Phantom Thieves learned a valuable lesson.
The Queen's orders… are absolute.
"It didn't work out that well." Joker admitted. "So, my second in command and I went back to just alternating shopping duties. I care deeply about all my teammates, but sometimes it feels like the two of us are running a daycare or a kindergarten class, not a secret organization."
"D-Did you just compare the Phantom Thieves… one of the most notorious and infamous criminal organizations of our time… to kindergarteners?!"
"I suppose I did, Niijima-san." Joker chuckled.
"I… ok, fine. Tell me who your second in command is, then." she asked.
"I'll tell you later." he answered.
"Why?"
"I want to focus on one confidant at a time." he explained. "And some of my memories are still a little fuzzy."
He was sure she'd buy his explanation. Joker had a way of convincing people.
"I suppose the order doesn't matter." she admitted. "But is there anything you can say about your teammates?"
"I can tell you the weapons they use."
Joker proceeded to tell her everything about the weapon preferences of his teammates, save for Crow.
"Okay, so Panther uses whips." she muttered. "And Noir… he uses…"
"Noir is female, actually."
"...You said they use grenade launchers… and a giant axe."
"Yes."
"...Ok, let me guess. Your second in command, the one who rides a motorcycle and punches and kicks shadows is female too."
"Hey, how'd you know?"
"You… know some very intense women, don't you?" she observed.
Pain…
More and more pain was starting to rush through his body.
"Ignore it." he told himself. "Keep calm. Do whatever you can to keep calm."
Joker decided that the best way of doing so was to make light of the situation.
"Oh, just wait until I tell you about the woman who keeps assaulting my eardrums." he said.
"Assault your eardrums?" the prosecutor repeated. "How do they do that?"
"By banging a table."
*SLAM*
"Can-"
*SLAM*
"You-"
*SLAM*
"Please-"
*SLAM*
"STOP!"
*SLAM*
"What's that?" Sae questioned. "I can't hear you."
"At this point, I'm surprised I can hear myself."
*SLAM*
"You hear that?"
"Yes…" he whimpered.
"Good." she responded. "Now that we've established who's in charge, let's continue. Tell me about your next confidant already."
"Ok, ok…" Joker muttered. "The guy gave me a package to hold onto for him one day, but it took me a while to get back to him."
"Why?"
"He's pretty intimidating. Thankfully, I was feeling pretty gutsy one day because I had just take the Big Bang Burger Challenge." he said with a straight face.
"Burgers again? Really?"
It had taken a while to work up the nerve to do so, but he was finally about to give Iwai his bag back.
Curiously had gotten the better of him at one point, and he hesitantly looked inside.
He wasn't sure what he was expecting. A bomb? Drugs?
It turned out… it was a gun.
But it looked completely real!
"This'll do wonders for my reputation." he sarcastically muttered as he entered Untouchable.
"Oh, it's you again." Iwai grunted.
He took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself.
"Calm down, Ren." he thought to himself. "You can do this."
"Are you going to buy something or are you just going to stand there?" Iwai said, growing impatient.
He slowly walked up to the counter, holding the bag in his hands.
"I got your bag back."
"Didn't I give this to you over two months ago?" he scowled.
"You're a… very intimidating person." he defended.
"You shop here all the time." he countered. "Why the hell couldn't you give it to me any of those times?"
"I… looked inside." he muttered. "I didn't want to be seen carrying around an actual gun."
His expression darkened. "You looked inside, huh?"
"Is that why the police are investigating you?" he asked.
"The gun ain't real, kid." he claimed. "A customer of mine put in a custom order. Wanted the gun to look as real as possible."
"Why would they want that?" he asked.
"I didn't ask."
"Oh…"
"Listen, you really helped me out by smuggling that gun out of here." he said. "So I'll let you keep that gun."
"Thanks." he responded.
"I actually thought this gun was real at first…" he mused. "Imagine how powerful it'll be in the Metaverse."
"You're my accomplice now, so don't go snitchin' on me." Iwai said. "I've got everything on video camera."
"Well, since I'm already involved, I'd like to see more of these modifications."
His eyes narrowed, and he glanced around the room, ensuring that no one was, or was about to enter the store.
"Let's talk in the back." Iwai grunted.
He brought him into the back room of the store.
And locked the door behind him.
"Oh my God he's going to kill me!" he internally screamed.
"Who the hell are you?" Iwai questioned. "What's a punk like you need a modified model gun for? You planning on robbing a bank or something?"
"Been there, done that." Ren thought.
"I-I'm a gun enthusiast." he replied.
"At your age?" Iwai wondered, raising an eyebrow. "Then again…"
He chuckled to himself.
He wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.
"You know, some of these modifications are really expensive." the shop owner smirked. "But if you do some work for me, I might be willing to sell them to you at a good price."
He still wasn't sure if this was a good sign or not...
"This entire situation seems really familiar." Ren thought. "How do I keep getting myself involved in sketchy situations like this?"
"Listen, you help me with my business… smuggling goods, destroyin' evidence… and I'll let you access the special menu."
"What exactly is your goal with all of this?" Ren asked.
"That's on a need-to-know basis, and you don't need to know."
While he'd rather not break the law, especially while still on probation, Iwai did have a point.
Like it or not, he was an accomplice now.
"I have to fight evil with evil." the shopkeeper stated. "So what's it gonna be?"
"Evil with evil, huh?" Ren mused. "Guess I could at least help him out a little."
"Alright, you've got a deal." he said. "I'll do what you want, even if it's dangerous. I… really need those modifications."
"Well, not everything will be dangerous." he clarified. "I might just have you work around the shop from time to time."
"That's fine." Ren responded.
He frowned, a suspicious look on his face.
"I still don't understand why a punk like you needs these things." he muttered.
"That's… on a need-to-know basis." he smirked. "And you don't need to know."
He wasn't sure why he said that. The last thing he needed was for this guy to get angry at him.
He didn't get mad, however.
He actually laughed!
"Heh, fair enough." he chuckled. "So long as you help me out, I won't ask questions. You should be grateful."
"He's the kind of man that doesn't care to sugarcoat things. He's blunt, and prefers to be responded to in kind." Joker stated. "He's intimidating when you first see him, but he's pretty reliable and responsible guy when you get to know him. We were able to make a deal."
"What kind of deal?" she questioned.
"He'd sell me model gun modifications for a reasonable price, and I'd help him out from time to time." he clarified. "I'd usually help out around his business, or… keep an eye on things."
"What does that mean?"
"There were some… less than savory people who stopped by his shop."
"You mean besides yourself?" she asked.
"They were a lot worse than me." he frowned. "They were people from his past. I was there to keep an eye on them, either at the store or when my confidant talked to them."
"That sounds reckless." she observed.
"I needed the modifications." he shrugged. "They made the guns more effective the Metaverse."
"Well, I suppose that that doesn't conflict with what you told me before." she admitted. "But there's one thing I'm still curious about."
"And what would that be, Niijima-san?"
"I assume most of the members in your group are teenagers." she said. "So I'm surprised that your parents didn't notice anything."
That was kind of surprising…
Then again, when he thought about it.
Boss knew about the thieves now, but he rarely checked up on him in his room beforehand, where he stashed Morgana and his own weapons.
Speaking of Morgana… he didn't really have parents.
Neither did Yusuke.
Or Makoto.
Or Haru.
Futaba had Boss, but she didn't use weapons.
Ryuji only had his mother.
Ann and him were the only ones with two living parents, and hers were away most of the year.
And his…
He sighed.
"This is getting depressing to think about." he thought.
"Most of us have no parents in our lives." he mentioned bitterly. "A few of us have only one parent, but Panther and I are the only ones with two living parents."
"Oh…"
"Panther's parents are gone most of the year." he said.
"And yours?" she asked. "Surely they've checked up on yo-"
"They haven't called me once." he muttered.
While they were never the most social people in the world, it still stung that they never called.
Still, he could never work up the nerve to call them either.
When he first arrived in Tokyo, he would always tell himself that he would call them, only to lose his nerve at the last second, putting it off for another day.
Only for the entire process to repeat itself, until his schedule had become so busy, and living in Tokyo so normal, that he had honestly forgotten to call.
He did feel a little guilty about that.
The only sound that could be heard for the next minute or so was the drumming of Sae's fingers on the table.
"I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject." she said. "Let's move on then."
"He's a parent too…"
"Hm?"
"My confidant. He's a father. I've met his kid."
"Why don't you tell me about them then?" Sae asked.
"He does have a son." he mentioned. "He didn't want him getting involved with the wrong crowd."
"Oh..." she mumbled. "So is he married?"
"Oh, no, his son is adopted." he said.
"Oh, I see!" she said. "Taking care of an adopted son by himself… he must be very reliable man."
"The wrong crowd…" he thought. "Right… because Iwai was once a part of the Yakuza… like him."
Why couldn't he stop thinking about him?
What was this damn memory he kept forgetting?!
Keep calm…
Keep calm…
He tried to take another deep breath, only to go into another coughing fit.
He supposed the best course of action would be to control his breathing, and...
Make light of the situation.
"...Niijima-San, are you about to ask me to set you up with one of my confidants."
*SLAM*
"That is not what this is about!" she insisted.
"If you say so." Joker smirked. "Now, my confidant… didn't have the best home life as a child. He mentioned that mother always went out drinking, and always fooling around with different men. Because of that, he kinda… got involved with a bad crowd when he was young. He got out while he could, however. Naturally, he didn't want his son to have a childhood like he had."
"That's understandable." The prosecutor said. "But from what you told me about him, he doesn't seem like the type to adopt."
"Well, the circumstances behind the adoption were a little… unorthodox."
"Explain."
"Well… one day, a woman approached him, and offered to sell him her baby for money. He assumed she was a drug addict looking for her next fix."
"These stories of yours always get so depressing." she sighed.
"Well, at least they all have happy endings." Joker smiled. "When he refused to pay, she left the baby and ran. That's what led to him taking in the kid, and opening up his shop to support them."
"Hmm… a very reliable man." Sae murmured.
He raised an eyebrow. "You know, Niijima-san, if you want to meet him that badly, I'm sure we could arrange-"
*SLAM*
"Ok- *cough cough* -ok, I was just kidding!" he yelled.
"Did his son know about what happened?"
He shook his head.
"He didn't know about the circumstances of his father's past or his adoption at first." he said. "He had lied to him, telling him he was a family friend that took him in after his parents died in a car crash."
"Why would he do that?" she inquired.
"My confidant was worried about the stigma that would be attached to him if people found out about his and his son's circumstances, so he kept quiet." he clarified.
A part of him was worried that the opposite was also true.
The last thing he wanted was for his parents' reputation to suffer due to their son the leader of a criminal organization.
"But what?"
"Someone from his past… they were a powerful member of the Yakuza. They had dirt on my confidant and his son. He threatened to tell everyone about his past if he didn't do work for him. They were also keeping tabs on my confidant, and spread false rumors about my confidant's shop."
"Yakuza?!" she exclaimed. "But wait… something doesn't add up."
"What do you mean?"
"If they were a member of the Yakuza, then why bother waiting on modified guns? Why not smuggle in guns?"
"Funny you should mention that…"
"Even excluding all of the Metaverse talk, this is the most insane interrogation I've ever done." Sae muttered, clutching her head. "So, after getting ripped off by the Hong Kong Mafia, who didn't deliver the promised guns he paid for, the Yakuza member tried to cover for himself by blackmailing your confidant into making him numerous modified guns."
"That's about everything." he confirmed.
"Insane." she repeated. "Between this and the teacher maid and your talking cat, I'm just… I don't think anything could surprise me anymore."
"I can think of one thing." he said.
Oh yeah?" she muttered. "And what would that be?"
"Who my girlfriend is." he smirked.
"Are you going to tell me?"
"In due time, Niijima-san." he promised. "I have to save the best for last. And the wait will be worth it."
"Will it really?"
"Well, for me at least." he smirked.
"Why in God's name would he confront a Yakuza member that was blackmailing him?!"
"He's… a pretty honorable guy." he said. "Sometimes to his detriment."
"I take it things didn't go as planned?" she assumed.
"He got really angry, and he pulled a gun on us." he recalled.
"He did?!"
"Yeah." he confirmed. "He said he would kill my confidant, his son, and me if he didn't get those guns."
"God, and I thought all of those Yakuza movies Makoto owns were ridiculous." she mused.
"At that point, the Phantom Thieves changed his heart." he admitted.
He remembered telling the group about Iwai's situation, and how Makoto had immediately perked up, an intense expression on her face as he told everyone about how the Yakuza were involved.
"His shadow manifested as a large demon sitting on a toilet." he continued.
"...Um."
"Belphegor was the name of the demon."
"Ok… but why a toilet?"
"I mean… he was kind of a shitty guy."
"...You were just waiting to tell that one, weren't you?" she deadpanned.
"Just wait until I tell you about the guy whose shadow turned into Mara." he said. "Dude was a total dick."
"Even though you changed his heart, things weren't finished?" she asked.
"No, because he had a partner." he said. "And that partner kidnapped my confidant's son."
"You… were able to save him though, right?" she hesitantly asked.
"I told you, this story has a happy ending." he smiled.
"The other Yakuza member, the one whose heart we changed, confronted him and managed to chase him off, so we all made it out ok. And… my confidant's son learned about his dad's past and his real parents, but he didn't mind. He said it was all in the past."
"That's good, then." she responded. "At least the boy wasn't hurt."
"Seems us Phantom Thieves are a lot better at capturing high ranking Yakuza members than the police, eh, Niijima-san?"
"Shut up." she frowned. "Unless you have anything else to say about your confidant."
"Well…"
Is was just him and Iwai in the store.
Kaoru had been there for a bit, but quickly left when he realized that he needed to go to the supermarket.
He tensed up when he mentioned the Phantom Thieves, but thankfully he didn't seem to suspect anything.
"Alright, I think it's about time we close up shop." the shopkeeper declared.
As he went to do so, however, Iwai spoke again.
"One of your weird friends has been coming over recently." Iwai said. "Said they heard of this place from you. Even placed a custom order."
"Oh, really?" Ren asked.
"She said she wanted something to make those who lashed out against her feel so much pain that they wouldn't dare defy her again." Iwai said. "Had a big smile on her face when she said it."
"...Are you sure they were one of my friends?"
"Yeah, she mentioned you when she got a revolver and brass knuckles." Iwai said.
"Wait, but the only person I know who uses those are… oh." he muttered.
He remembered Makoto mentioning at one point that beating down shadows was good for stress belief.
He always did find her confidence and prowess in battle to be very intimidating.
Also very sexy.
"Lotta strange people in the Phantom Thieves, huh?" Iwai smirked.
He paled.
"Um…"
"Tsuda sure changed pretty quick." he chuckled. "Sounds like one of those 'change of hearts' they're always takin' about in the news."
"Could be… I suppose." he muttered.
"Your friend even tried to pull the same 'gun enthusiast' line on me." he said. "Should've known it was a bunch of BS."
"I… might have told her to do that." he mumbled.
"It's fine, I won't tell anyone that you're a Phantom Thief." the ex-yakuza said. "We're partners, after all, and snitchin' on partners ain't exactly honorable."
"Partners?" he repeated.
"Yeah, you're not a pawn anymore." he smirked. "Hell, you're practically Kaoru's bro at this point."
"Then in that case, I won't tell anyone about you being a thug." he smirked. "Wouldn't want a negative stigma attached to me."
"You little punk." he laughed. "Alright, I don't know how you take down bad guys with model guns and rubber knives, but if it can help save other people like me and Kaoru, then I'll start offerin' you the best modifications that the secret menu has to offer."
"Thank you." he said. "But I hope you don't mind if I don't tell you how we deal with criminals with model weapons. It's on a need-to-know basis, after all."
The code of honor of the Yakuza. In a way, that was what he was doing now. He was trying his hardest to give just enough information to satisfy Sae, while also refusing to give up his confidant's identities.
Although, in his case, it'd probably be more like honor among thieves.
"So, like I said, everything turned out ok." he recalled. "After that event, he started offering some of his best customizations."
"I'm surprised you could afford all of that." she said.
"Thankfully, he also started giving discounts." Joker muttered. "Outfitting an entire team is expensive."
"Still, how did you get the money?" she asked.
"We bring things out of the Metaverse all the time." he said. "Sometimes they're model weapons, and other times it's money or treasures we pawned off."
"I suppose you would have gone into a financial crisis otherwise." she said.
"Financial crisis." he repeated. "OH! That reminds me of another of my confidants."
"Um...ok?" And they would be?"
"Quite… the colorful character." Joker stated.
