A/N: Hey! It didn't took me THAT long to update this time! I really hope you like this!
I start to wake up, slowly and without hurry, mostly because my head is pounding and I feel sore, it has been a while since I drank so much and I am definitely feeling it. I stretch out carefully and bury my head in my pillow and run my hands over my sheets, I take in a deep breath and just when I finally start to relax it hits me that it has been months since I slept on the bedroom and that the scent from the pillow and sheets is not one that I recognize. I panic, sit up so quickly I see little black dots for a second and, when my eyesight recovers, I take in my surroundings and I definitely do not recognize the room I am in, I also realize I am basically naked and I really need to find my clothes because I'm getting nauseated and I need to get out.
I scan the room once again, with a little more focus, in the search for my clothes. After a minute or two of agonizingly scrutinizing through the painful bright light, I have found them all, except for my shirt.
"Shit!"
I finally accept the fact that my shirt is not in the bedroom and seriously consider looking through the drawers until I find one that fits me, even if it's not mine. Desperate times and such. But before I can take two steps, the bedroom door opens and a brunette, relatively short woman walks in, I can feel my eyes flooding with tears at the sight. How silly of me, I wonder if I will ever stop reacting like that.
"Hi there."
I'm embarrassed at my reaction, even if it can't be controlled. And I quickly divert my eyes so the woman won't notice. She is very obviously not Rachel.
"Hey."
My voice betrays me though, it's sore and raspy, but I sincerely hope that even if she noticed that she'll be kind enough to spare me the moment. After a second, she clears her throat and I look up, she's smiling at me gently and I can see she's holding a glass of water in her hand and she hands it to me, then she opens her other hand and I can see a couple of white round pills. Aspirins I hope.
"Here, drink this. It'll help."
I smile, as best as I can, to thank her because I know I can't trust my voice to be steady right now, I take the pills and the glass of water and down them with one single drink. When I lift my head to pass them I feel the ground beneath my feet move, my head is spinning, and I realize I am still a little drunk. After a moment I steady myself and drink the rest of the water, I hadn't had the opportunity to realize just how dry my mouth was.
"Oh! By the way, I believe this is your shirt, isnt' it? I don't recognize it so I guess it must be yours."
She pulls the shirt off her shoulder and hands it over, there's a loopy and kinda sweet smile on her face but I don't think I have ever been as red as I am while putting it on.
"I'm Anna, by the way. I thought I'd spare us both the embarrassing situation of having to ask each other's names again."
I chuckle and nod, lightly because the world hasn't really stopped spinning, I wish I could remember more of the girl because she's already saved me twice in a short period of time, but I still can't seem to be able to remember anything. All I remember is kissing Rachel but, after everything I evidently drank, I can't trust my memories anymore.
"Yeah, thank you. I'm Quinn."
"Hey, Quinn."
She purses her lips, obviously trying not to laugh, but her repressed smile powers through and I relax, well as much as I can at the moment. I do notice how she says my name, like she did remember it all along. That doesn't help in my embarrassment but I am, once again, thankful for her kindness.
"Well, anyhow, I'm cooking up a quick breakfast and coffee so you can join me whenever and if ever you want to. In case you don't then just stop by the kitchen and say bye, ok?."
"Yeah, thank you. I will."
She turns around on her heels and walks back to the open door, stopping once she's there and turning to look at me. Her loopy smile is still there, and her eyes are gentle, as is her voice.
"I really hope you decide to stay for breakfast, I absolutely hate eating alone."
I smile and she closes the door behind her, it feels she took out all the oxygen with her too and I need to sit back down on the bed. Suddenly the world around me starts spinning, but not from the alcohol, I'm overwhelmed, unless Rachel and I were fighting I had never woken up on another bed that wasn't hers or mine or ours, not since highschool basically. It's all too strange, the room is really bright and it's starting to feel hot, too hot and I lay my head on my hands taking deep breaths. It's not a good idea, it gets even more difficult to breathe like that so I lay on my back on the bed and stare at the ceiling until I feel my heartbeat slowing again, I feel I can relax now and I slowly close my eyes, aware that I shouldn't let myself fall asleep since Anna is in the kitchen making breakfast for two and I am in her bedroom.
I think of Anna and her remarkable kindness, I wish I could remember more of what happened last night but I can't, I can't remember anything past kissing Rachel at the bar, which now I know is painfully impossible, I remember seeing her across the bar and then I just remember kissing her and I try to remember the song that was playing but everything is way too blurry and it just jumps from one thing to another. It's so frustrating.
I stand up and see the door that leads to the bathroom and go inside. I open the faucet and let the cool water run through my fingers, I'm still a little dizzy and getting more suffocated by the second, I lean forward and splash my face, then I pour some water over the back of my neck and I let it slide downwards. It feels so great, so refreshing, it's like the cool water opened my lungs again or something because I can breathe again. I look at my face in the mirror and I almost laugh at the terrible state I'm in, I really do look like crap.
"You were always a lousy hungover. Some things never change huh?"
My reflection looks back at me and I just shake my head, I lean downwards once more and wash my face, with my eyes closed and my hands scrubbing against them I suddenly get an image, I remember something. I remember having Anna pressed against a door and I remember her hands on my hair and her breath on my neck. I remember laughing and the sound of keys and another laugh, only it wasn't mine this time. I remember hot hands on my back and nails against my shoulders and someone gasping.
I open my eyes and stumble away from the sink clumsily, I almost trip over into what I guess is the shower and I'm gasping for air, that was so sudden and unexpected. I don't really know how that makes me feel. Did I really sleep with her?
I sit down on the floor and pull my knees up to my chest, I have to remember something else, I need to. I couldn't have… we couldn't have… I close my eyes tighter and try to focus on remembering something else, my heart is beating quickly and I feel tears threatening to fall. But there's nothing more, as much as I try the last thing I can remember before waking up is whispering Rachel's name.
"Fuck!"
I get up from the floor, a little shakily I must admit, and I head out from the bathroom, and after a deep breath I head out from the bedroom too.
The white of the apartment hits me immediately, I actually have to close my eyes for a second, the walls are a clean white, and the curtains are open letting all the light in, the windows are really big and there are paintings on almost every wall, some small some really big. The contrast of white and intense coloring from the paintings is amazing. It's not an extremely big apartment, it's obvious that Anna lives alone but the place is great, the living-room, the dinning-room, the space is really fantastically handled, and I don't even need to worry about finding the kitchen because the smell of coffee guides me right to it.
The kitchen is the most amazing part of the apartment, it's open and it has a counter in the middle of it with the stove in it, the fridge is a two door silver giant and the shelves cover basically all of the walls. It makes me smile a little because I know Rachel would've loved that kitchen, we never really got the chance to get it because we were waiting on finding a house to better fit her dream of the perfect kitchen… we never really got to and she never got it, it makes my heart ache again.
"Hey! You actually came. To be honest, I was half expecting to just listen the door shut and having breakfast by myself. I'm glad you decided not to let me eat by myself like some loser."
I laugh softly because I did consider that option, even right now standing inside the kitchen I am still half thinking about doing so, but I get the feeling that Anna's memory is better than mine and I just have to know.
"I am not gonna lie, I did consider it but, how could one walk out of such a delicious scent? That smells like grade A coffee right there."
She chuckles and points at one of the stools and I sit down. My head is still pounding but my stomach feels like it can keep in some food and when I see her putting some strips of bacon in the frying pan I start getting actually hungry. She puts down two mugs and starts pouring the coffee in them, it's a calm and meticulous action and I get the feeling that she's doing it in purpose just to brag about the coffee. I don't mind one bit though, it does smell delicious.
As I drink in the coffee I remember back in highschool when I didn't care about coffee at all, yeah I would drink it especially during Sue's insane boot camps when she'd make us train all day during the end of summer vacations and we could barely stay awake in the extra early mornings. I never bought one though, it was Santana who was the addict and she would always show up with a black for us and mocha for Britt. It wasn't until Rachel and I had been dating for almost eight months that coffee made its way to my heart. Funnily enough, it had nothing to do with the taste.
"Uhm… Quinn? Are you alright?"
"What?"
I blink a few times and I realize that I lost myself staring at the swirling patterns in the coffee. My mind keeps sending me back to the past and I am not sure how I feel about it, in private it's okay but I don't like feeling so exposed around people.
"Oh, yeah… Sorry. Guess I'm not as functional as I thought I was. Alcohol, you know? I haven't drunk like that since graduating college."
I look up and I almost sigh in relief that she's no longer looking at me because a single tear somehow managed to escape and it gives me the opportunity to wipe it away before her noticing.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted some breakfast too?"
She looks at me and I try to look as calmed and steady as possible.
"I mean, if you think you can keep it down that is."
She looks genuinely concerned about that and I realized I really must look like hell if that's what she thought just by looking at me.
"Hey! Come on! I don't look that bad… Do I? I am certain I can keep food down at least. Stop laughing! As far as I remember, while it isn't much, is that you were pretty drunk too. I am never drinking that much again!"
It takes her a full minute to gain control of herself again and stop laughing but, if I'm being honest, her laughing makes me feel a little bit more at ease, more relaxed and I can let go of some of the stress.
"Well you are right about that! I really was super drunk too. But I regret nothing, you are the hottest almost drunken hook up I have ever had."
She winks at me and we both laugh briefly, I don't entirely register what she just said until she looks away from returning her attention to the bacon sizzling on the stove. Her unintended confession was like a sudden splash of ice cold water over me, not in a bad way though, in the way that it made feel suddenly awake and alert. It took a weight of off my shoulders and I closed my eyes in gratitude.
"So… you mean? I mean- That means that we… uhm… we didn't?"
She lifts her gaze from the bacon and looks at me kindly, she really does have beautiful eyes and they stop my impending nervous rant.
"Hey, breathe! As cute as you look all flustered, I cannot allow you having some sort of attack of something right before breakfast. You're getting all red there."
I do feel a little lightheaded and I take a moment to get my breathing in order again, I just feel so light suddenly!
"No, we didn't. We were far too drunk to actually finish anything and well, you know, when the other person says another girl's name it's kind of an indication that it's probably not a good idea."
I choke on the coffee as she eyes me carefully, I could sense the brief hesitation as she began to say that. I don't really know what that piece of information gives me; all I can think of is that it was true then, that I did call out Rachel's name. I guess if it had been just me in the memory things would be different, but I can't help but to feel a small ounce of guilt or something close to that, Anna seems really sweet and no matter how drunk we were that mustn't have been entirely flattering for her. I look at her again and there's not even the tiniest glimpse of anger or disappointment from her, her eyes remain kind and warm, there's no judgment either and I wonder if she wants me to talk about it. The truth is that I wouldn't mind doing that.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to happen. It's just that… well… It's difficult."
She smiles at me, and it is just as kind as the look in her eyes, she reaches out to touch my hand and she squeezes once as she shrugs.
"Hey, don't apologize, ok? Shit happens and getting over people is never easy. You've got nothing to apologize for. Though, I won't deny I'm curious about who this Rachel is."
Who Rachel was, that's the only thing that echoes in my mind.
I don't know if Anna is still looking at me because I turned my attention back down to the coffee in my hands. I feel heavy again; I don't really know if heavy is the right term really, every time I think about Rachel or someone mentions her I just feel torn apart by emotions, like fighting again several different tides. I don't know how much time passes but there's a plate now in front of me, eggs and bacon, I wonder when she made the eggs, but I'm not really hungry anymore, I am just keeping it together while looking at the way the dark liquid goes in circles inside the mug. I breathe it in and look up to where Anna is; her always kind eyes are full of concern and I can't fight the tides anymore.
"Rachel, she is my wife… No, I mean… She-she… ugh! It's just so hard. I'm sorry. Rachel was my wife and she-uhm…she just, she isn't here anymore."
My heart's beating so fast I fear my ribs are going to break soon, I haven't talked to anyone about it, not even Santana or Britt, they've got their own heartbreak and it wouldn't do anyone any good to add my own to the mix. I don't really know what pushed me into touching the subject with Anna, I don't really know her, and she really doesn't know me and she will never get to know Rachel; maybe that's the reason.
I look at her and she's frozen, a fork in her right hand suspended in midair, her kind eyes are now showing shock and uncertainty, I chuckle in my mind because she wasn't expecting that and I wonder what she is thinking.
"Quinn, God. I didn't know, I'm so sorry."
I take a drink from my coffee and shrug tiredly, she's really got nothing to apologize for since she didn't really know.
"It's… She loves-loved coffee, you know? A real caffeine addict. For real! She always warned everyone not to talk to her in the morning before she had her coffee, she said she would either punch them or ignore them completely. My taste for coffee is not something I was born with, it is a learned habit by now."
She remains silent, frozen in her seat, looking at me with so much sorrow that I feel the need to keep talking.
"It's been three months now and it still doesn't feel real. I keep thinking I'll wake up and it will all be just a bad dream, but then I wake up and it's not. And it's so strange and hard, so hard, you know?"
Tears start streaming freely down my face and I have zero control over them, although I doubt I would've tried to control them even if I could. Her hand is on my hand and she rubs her thumb up and down through the back of it, it's strangely comforting.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Quinn. I really am, it's obvious you loved her very much and that you still do. Just let it out, okay? It's okay."
I nod and silently thank her for being so gentle and for the lack of pity in her voice. We just sit there for a while; her hand remains holding mine as I let the tears fall. Gradually the tears stop and I think I have the strength to talk again, no matter how hoarse it is.
"I don't think I will ever stop loving her, we were together for so long that I just can't see my life without her, a future. We worked so hard for everything that we had and it just feels like it was all for nothing. I can't stand it!"
She moves her stool right next to mine and she takes both of my hands in hers, waiting until I look up to meet her.
"I can't tell you I know what you're going through or that I can relate… Hell! I can't even tell you anything that will make you feel better or different. But I can tell you that there is no "nothing" in the efforts we make and you shouldn't feel like that. Whatever it is that you did manage to achieve, however happy you both were, I think that that is the ultimate goal, for however long it lasts."
I let out a watery chuckle at what she just said, she and Rachel would've gotten along just fine.
"You sound just like her, that is definitely something Rachel would have said, she was always so positive and full of energy, there was nothing that could tear her down. Really, she was tiny but she had the energy of the whole universe inside of her."
"She sounds really cool."
"She was the coolest. Even when none of us understood it, she was always the coolest of us all. I really miss her, you know?"
Will the tears ever stop?
I lower my head again, only this time she directs it to her shoulder and I let myself lean in, I still don't know why it feels so safe in there. Maybe it's the light from the outside world, or maybe it's the smell of coffee, but I think that it is mostly that this perfect stranger feels like something close to familiarity.
Sophomore year was all but gone and Rachel and I were having a lazy Saturday morning, the Berry men had gone out for the weekend and we decided to stay in on Friday night and just enjoy each other, since we never tried to hide our relationship from anyone the moments we had just for the two of us were rare and I had just been longing to feel her next to me, with no hurries or knowledge from the world outside her house.
She had woken earlier than me, something that almost always happened, and I pretended not to wake up because I loved to turn around to her side of the bed and just snuggle her pillow for a few minutes. I figured she would go down to the kitchen and make herself some coffee. It was barely after dawn and I followed her to the kitchen, the sight that received me knocked the breath out of my lungs and froze time.
A faint light was coming in through the window she was standing in front of, it was the first rays of sun and they were painted in some colour between pink and orange, and they framed her perfectly. Her tan skin and her sleepy demeanor, her messy hair up in a bun, the tank top she was wearing and the shorts that were just a little high from her ass made it such a hot scene, it was all warmth and coffee and just so, Rachel. I stood still and observed how she closed her eyes and inhaled the steam coming from her mug, the way she licked her lips in anticipation and the content sigh as soon as the liquid touched her lips. She put the mug down and the sound of it against the kitchen tiles echoed through the room, but it didn't stir her, she looked out the window and smiled, her eyes were shinning, full of hope and love and I convinced myself then that everything was possible.
She was pouring her second cup when I walked up and hugged her from behind, the scent of coffee and Rachel invading my senses and filling me with more warmth than the one coming from the rising sun.
"I love you, Rach. You know that right? I love you way more than you love coffee. And I will never stop loving you"
She leaned back, resting her head on my shoulders and letting her body fall on mine, grabbing my hands and wrapping her tighter in my arms. She breathed in and freed one of her hands to pull my head down so that our lips were almost touching.
"I love you more than I love coffee. I will always love you, Quinn."
And then, she sealed our promise with a sweet, slow and coffee tasting kiss.
