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A/N: Happy New Year everyone!


Bella remained in La Push for one last night to conclude the memorial service by attending the bonfire where the mourners would all come together, eat Native food, dance Native dances, and share stories about Jacob. Once the traditional celebrations had concluded, the crowd thinned and Bella wandered down the beach a ways to spend some time in solitude, thinking over the events of the last week. She sat alone on a rock watching the bonfire at a distance, an occasional tear rolling down her face. All of the emotions that she had bravely kept at bay seemed to be crashing down all around her and suddenly she wanted nothing more than to just be alone and grieve.

Emily kept a watchful eye on Bella, not wanting to intrude on her private time, but wanting to be available to her should she be needed. Emily had spent a great deal of time during the past week trying to put herself in Bella's shoes, wondering how she would feel if it had been Sam rather than Jacob. Emily knew, without a doubt, how difficult that would be for her.

"I brought you a plate. You haven't eaten much today." Bella nodded and scooted over so that Emily could sit next to her.

"Thanks," Bella said in a near whisper.

Emily sat down next to Bella and handed her the plate, which Bella picked at for a few minutes in silence. Emily reached up and ran her fingers through Bella's now short hair. "It'll grow back, you know."

"I don't care if it does or not," Bella said, putting the plate down on the sand next to her feet. "Sorry, I'm just not very hungry."

In the distance, Paul, Jarrod, and Embry were telling a funny story about Jake, becoming louder and more animated as the tale gained momentum. Emily shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I wonder if they'll ever grow up," she mused.

"I sure hope not," Bella responded.

They continued to sit in amiable silence watching the pack milling around the fire while someone strummed a guitar. It was surreal for Bella. She found herself wondering what Edward was doing after he left the memorial service and immediately felt guilty for even letting his name float through her mind.

Now that the Cullens had all returned to Forks, Bella's life was going to be complicated. She had a real connection with the pack. They were all her friends. She didn't want to lose those friendships just because the Cullens were back. Besides, it would feel as though she were betraying Jacob if she abandoned his friends and family after his death.

Sam jogged down the beach and indicated to Emily that she should return to the festivities, so she hugged Bella and kissed Sam on the cheek before heading back to the bonfire, pushing Embry's shoulder and knocking him off balance playfully as she passed by. Sam took Emily's place next to Bella and took her hand. Bella turned to him and the tears began to flow freely as she looked up into his face.

"He's not coming back, is he, Sam? I mean, he's gone, forever, and if it hadn't been for me running-"

Sam cut her off quickly. "Bella, Jacob made his own decision to follow you. He was protecting you. Don't even start with blaming yourself because you're not going to get anywhere with me that way. I saw it all, I was as good as there. I just came over here to talk to you about the Cullens for a minute."

Sam hadn't brought the Cullens up to Bella since she had asked him to deal with their request to attend Jacob's memorial service. She had no idea what arrangements had been made other than knowing that Alice and Edward had been granted permission to attend and that they had both said some very nice things to Jacob when saying goodbye to him. She listened carefully as Sam told her how he had pulled rank as Alpha and gone against the Tribal Elders' wishes when he met with Carlisle. He also explained to her that the treaty had been renegotiated, to a certain extent, and that allegiances had been drawn between the two groups. What he tried to get across to her was that she was free to be friends with the pack as well as the Cullens and that no retribution for Jacob's death would be brought against the Cullens. When he was finished, Bella expressed her most heartfelt thanks to Sam for dealing with the situation and being open minded. After their talk, Sam insisted that Bella come back to the bonfire with him. He could tell that she was cold in the night air so far away from the fire.

The gathering went on late into the night and the pack boys were extremely entertaining. It wasn't hard to see that they needed to get out and stretch their legs a bit, try and shake the melancholy feelings of the day. Sometime in the early morning hours, Sam took Bella and Emily to his house and dropped them off before taking off with the pack to patrol the perimeter for a few hours to ensure that everything was as it should be.

When the ringing of the telephone awakened her the next day, Bella opened her eyes and looked at her surroundings, disoriented at first. She had dreamed of Jacob throughout the night and feared that going home today was going to be difficult at best for her. She hadn't been back to her house, or her room, since the last time she and Jacob had been there together. The sun shone brightly through the windows and she wondered what time it was. As she lay there trying to wake up, she heard Emily speaking softly into the telephone in the kitchen.

"I just checked on her a few minutes ago and she was still asleep, but when she wakes up I will be sure to tell her you called. Yes, her cell is turned off for now. She needed the rest. Sure. You're welcome. Bye, now."

Bella made her way into the kitchen where she found Emily humming to herself as she stirred a pot of stew. Emily heard Bella come in and welcomed her to the land of the living at two in the afternoon. Bella was stunned at how late she had slept. She just felt so exhausted and emotional. Emily sat a steaming cup of hot tea in front of her and sat down across the table.

"That was Edward on the phone. He would like for you to call him today. I promised him I would pass along the message, and so I have," Emily said, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Your cell phone is next to the front door. It was chirping this morning so I took it out of your jacket pocket and turned it off."

"Thanks," was all Bella could say. She was irritated. Why couldn't Edward just leave her alone right now? What was the point in his calling her? Could he not exercise some patience and wait until she was ready to talk to him? She sipped on the tea and finally decided that she couldn't procrastinate the inevitable any longer. "I've got to get home, Emily. I'm sure Charlie wants to talk to me. I owe him some sort of explanation and I've avoided him long enough."

Emily nodded. "Your truck is outside. The boys retrieved it from Forks this morning. I guess the Cullens brought it back from Seattle and left it at your dad's place."

A couple of hours later, Bella found herself on the road between La Push and Forks. Her anxiety level increased with every mile she got further away from La Push, the pack, and closer to Forks, Charlie, her house, and Edward. She pulled over to the side of the road about halfway home and took some deep breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay. It didn't work. They came anyway. She let herself cry for several minutes before pulling herself together. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and turned it on, taking another deep breath as she did so. She had several missed calls from Edward, Alice, and Charlie, a few voicemails, and text messages from Edward. She deleted the texts without reading them and then scrolled through her contact list to Alice's number.

Alice's voice on the other end made her feel only slightly better. "Bella? Are you okay? I just saw you sitting on the side of the road crying."

"Yeah, Alice. I'm fine, thanks. Listen, I know Edward wants to talk to me, but…"

"It's fine, Bella. I'll tell him. Just be careful on the rest of your drive home. Charlie is anxiously awaiting your arrival."

Bella couldn't help but chuckle slightly. Now that she was no longer on the reservation, Alice could see her again. She had to admit, it was good to have Alice back, even if that meant that Edward was back as well. After hanging up, she pulled back onto the highway and continued her journey back to Forks with trepidation.

Charlie met Bella at the door, stepping aside so she could get in the house. "It's good to have you home, Bells."

"Thanks, Dad."

Bella hung her coat and sat down on the couch. She knew that going directly to her room and closing the door wasn't going to cut it with the Chief. Charlie took up residence in his recliner across from her and turned the TV off before looking at her directly and saying, "Are you ready to explain to me exactly what's been going on the last two weeks?"

"I'm sorry, Dad," was all that Bella could get out before the tears overwhelmed her again. She then went about telling the rehearsed lie, hoping that Charlie wouldn't see right through it.

Charlie contemplated Bella's words, remaining silent until she was finished with her story. Finally, he got up and walked over to her, sitting down next to her on the sofa. He patted her on the back awkwardly and told her how sorry he was that she had lost Jacob. Bella blew her nose loudly in the ragged tissue she had been wadding in her hand.

Charlie continued softly, "Bells, the only part of this that I don't understand is why you took off with Alice the minute she arrived to chase after Edward. I thought… you were… with Jacob. Didn't you consider his feelings at all?"

"I don't know what to say, Dad. It's complicated. I… Edward was in trouble, and I was the only one who could help him. It didn't mean that I loved Jacob any less, I just… I don't know. I'm sorry." She collapsed into tears again and Charlie put his arm around her. Bella leaned into his shoulder and sobbed quietly.

~*~

Edward clicked off his cell phone and growled in frustration. Alice, Carlisle, and Esme all tried to placate him, but he could not be reasoned with. He wanted to see Bella, to talk to her. He wanted to know where he stood and what to expect. Patience wasn't one of his greatest gifts and when it came to the situation at hand, it was almost non-existent. Alice reminded him that he was being selfish, but he wouldn't listen. He paced the house, nearly wearing a hole in the floor.

"Edward, she doesn't want to talk to you right now. Just give her some space," Alice shot at her brother while he paced the floor and nervously ran his fingers through his hair.

"I just need to know that she's alright, Alice," Edward responded with desperation in his voice.

No matter how much Alice tried to assure Edward that Bella was home and fine, he could barely resist the urge to go to her and try to comfort her. He couldn't even find it in him to be angry with her for sleeping with Jacob. He had already convinced himself that it was his own doing and he couldn't take it back no matter what. However, the selfish monster inside him still wanted Bella to be his, now more than ever, because he was back in Forks and she had come to save him. He knew that she still had feelings for him, but he wasn't sure that he should act on those feelings. He had never been so confused in all of his vampiric existence and Edward didn't like being that out of control.

Carlisle was already back at work at Forks Community Hospital. They had welcomed him back with open arms. Esme had spent the week getting their house put back together while Alice and Jasper had spent most of their time monitoring Edward in his self-loathing, angsty state.

~*~

When Bella finally entered her bedroom that night, a new wave of sorrow washed over her, paralyzing her. She looked down at the unmade bed and could see herself there, her body entwined with Jacob's. She could see his bronzed skin, his muscles rippling, smell his woody smell. She winced and went to the window, firmly locking it and closing the curtains. She turned back to the bed and without notice, anger replaced the sorrow. She ripped the sheets off the bed, discarding them unceremoniously in a pile on the floor. She stomped over to her closet and started tearing things out of it, searching for her other set of sheets. She was so engrossed in her task that she barely heard the soft knock at her bedroom door.

Bella threw the door open and glared at her father. He stood there looking a little sheepish and handed her phone to her. "Someone called," he said softly. "You left it on the couch. Everything okay?"

Bella tossed the phone on her desk and rounded on her dad. "Where're my sheets? I need to change the bed," she said in a strangled voice.

Charlie regarded her silently for a moment before turning to the linen closet outside her bedroom door, grabbing a fresh set of sheets and a blanket, and handing them to her. He didn't take his eyes off her as he reached down and grabbed the discarded ones on the floor and turned to leave. He reached back to close her bedroom door and stopped, inhaling a deep breath before turning back to her. "If you need to talk, Bells, I'm here." He closed the door quietly and left Bella standing there stunned.

Bella stood staring silently at the closed door of her room. Suddenly her anger broke and was replaced by sorrow again. She collapsed onto the floor, sobbing into her hands.

Bella refused to leave her bed for the next two days. She laid there and stared at the wall when she was awake and slept the rest of the time. Sometimes, when she was awake, she would plead for Jacob to come back, asking God, or anyone, to take her instead. Sometimes she would cry. Sometimes she was angry. And sometimes she was just numb. Charlie brought her soup and tea and tried to talk to her, but she turned away from him every time he entered the room. She let the battery on her cell phone die and she didn't plug it in. Bella simply allowed herself to wallow in her grief and despair.

On the third day, Bella was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to decide whether she wanted to get up or not, when a familiar voice rang out in the hallway. "I know you're in there, Bella. I'm coming in!" Alice sang.

Bella rolled her eyes and cringed. Alice was the one person she couldn't hide from. Alice would know that she was burying herself in grief, guilt, and self-pity. Alice also wouldn't allow that for very long.

Alice threw open the door to Bella's room and flipped on the light. It was bright and Bella squeezed her eyes closed, pulling the covers over her head, while waiting for Alice to pounce. Alice rolled her eyes and fixed her hands on her hips. She wasn't about to let Bella lay there any longer.

"That's enough, Bella. Get up. You stink," she said, without any fanfare, and pulled the covers off the bed. "Come on, time for a shower." Alice grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her out of bed. Bella felt like a zombie, but followed Alice, begrudgingly, to the bathroom.

Alice considered putting Bella inside the bathroom, closing the door, and leaving her, but decided against it. She closed the lid to the stool and motioned for Bella to sit while she busied herself turning on the shower, finding clean towels, helping Bella undress, and putting her in the shower. Alice talked the entire time about nothing in particular. She didn't expect Bella to answer her, she just chattered so that Bella would hear her voice.

As the hot water spilled over her body, Bella began to loosen up and noted all of the aching places in her body from lying in bed for so long. Alice turned her around and washed her hair for her, talking incessantly all the while about getting back to school. With no argument from Bella, when the shower was over, Alice led her out and thrust two fluffy towels at her. Finally, Alice said, "Charlie called me."

Bella looked at her incredulously. "He what?"

"Charlie called me. He was worried about you," Alice shrugged.

"I'm fine," Bella snarled as she stomped out of the bathroom and back to her room. Bella didn't quite know what she was angry about, but knew that she was. She sat on the edge of the bed, arms crossed across her chest, a towel on her head and a towel wrapped around her body. She watched Alice as she dug through her drawers and closet, looking for clothes for her.

"God, Bella, it looks like a hurricane went through your bedroom." Alice knew that Bella wasn't herself. She also knew that Bella was having conflicting feelings about Jacob's death, Edward, and everything in between. She tossed some clothes on the bed next to Bella, and stood leaning against the closed closet door, waiting for Bella to dress.

"Do I have an appointment?" Bella asked. Alice looked impatient, but Bella wasn't too anxious to go anywhere.

"We're spending the day together and I'm anxious to get started," Alice answered casually.

Bella took a deep breath and got dressed, knowing it wouldn't be of any use to argue. After all, Alice was right. It was time for her to stop wallowing and start living. What would Jacob think of her lying in bed feeling sorry for herself for days on end? He wouldn't have liked it at all. It was exactly the type of thing that he had worked at for months to get her to stop doing in the first place. Bella finally became determined that she wasn't going to let this ruin her. It was time for her to get out of bed and join the land of the living again. It wouldn't be easy, but Jacob's death was not going to be an excuse for her to let herself die inside.


End Note:

Wow, so this story is pretty serious, eh? In light of that fact, we've decided to borrow the naked chocolate covered Emmett that Lillie has posted over at ALIL and let him stand guard here, granting special favors to all those who review. That's worth one, right?