AN: I feel like I've started every chapter of this fic off with some sort of apology and I kind of hate that but I truly am sorry for the delays between chapters, I've been so busy with school and work that I've had little to no time to write. To anyone still keeping up with this fic, I think it should be ending in a chapter or two, but don't hold me to it too much because I tend to end up distracted and taking a longer route of storytelling. Anyways, the usual disclaimers still apply, I don't own SVU or its characters, otherwise Bensidy would still be happy and own their banana holder, xox
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Olivia ran her hand absent-mindedly through Henry's hair as she sat with her son's sleeping head in her lap. His hair was longer than usual, his curly brown locks started to wrap around her fingers and she made a mental note to book an appointment for him to get a haircut. She smiled when she felt Brian's hand land on top of hers, their fingers intertwining immediately.
"Thank you for bringing him today, Liv. I've missed him."
Olivia looked at Brian and smiled, "you don't need to thank me, Bri. Of course I'd bring him by to see you, he's missed you just as much as you've missed him, and I've missed this" she said, her eyes darting between her son and her husband, "I've missed all of us, together. Happy, like nothing's wrong…"
The room fell into a state of silence, neither knowing what else to say, Brian's thumb grazed Olivia's outer palm, as her hands continued to run through her son's hair, "you know what I miss?" Brian's voice was quiet and his eyes were locked on the wall across from his bed, "I miss waking up on Saturday morning and watching cartoons with Henry, I miss falling asleep with you in my arms. I miss waking up to your hair tickling my face because you somehow always manage to end up on my pillow every morning. God, I'm so sorry to be putting you through this, Liv. You and Henry, I'm so sorry."
"Hey," Olivia's voice was soft and she gently removed her hand out of Brian's and cupped his face, the stubble on his jawline tickling her palm, "you don't get to apologize for this Brian, you didn't do anything. Sure, it's a little hard for Henry and me right now but it's harder for you. You're the one stuck here; you're the one in pain. We both just want you better, and we can't wait to have you home with us but before that can happen, you need to focus on yourself, on getting yourself better. I promise you, you' have nothing to worry about, Henry and I will be fine."
"I love you, you know that?"
Olivia's smile widened as she gently raised her hand from Henry's head to gently cup Brian's face, "I know," she nodded "I love you too, Brian."
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Olivia stared at the rapidly moving windshield wipers, their pace is almost hypnotizing as she tries to make her way to Mercy, Brian's nerve graft is scheduled for 10am and she wanted to be there before they began prepping him at 9.
She drummed her fingers absent-mindedly over the steering wheel to the soft music on the radio as she sits, unmoving in the morning traffic, the heavily falling rain not helping with the commute, and the heavy, dark grey clouds were not helping with her exhaustion. She reached over to the cup holder and took a long swing of her coffee, thankful that Nyla stopped off at Starbucks before she arrived at the house.
By the time Olivia reaches Brian's hospital room, it's just after 8 and her coffee is already empty. She opens the door quietly and smiles when she sees that he's already awake, "morning," she says as she leans over and places a soft kiss on his lips, allowing her lips to linger for a few seconds before taking a seat on the bed next to him.
"Good morning, beautiful" he says with a smile, as he pushes himself up on the bed so he's sitting, "you're here early."
"I wanted to spend some time with you before they prepped you, but the weather and traffic had other plans for me, I had the pleasure of spending quality time with the car radio," she said as she sat on the bed beside her husband, their fingers finding each other's immediately, their need for comfort, for intimacy, for closeness presenting itself within an instant.
"Everything's going to be okay, Liv." Brian's words are quiet but they're assertive; he's confident and that scares Olivia.
Her eyes meet his and she nods slowly, unsure of what to say, unable to formulate the thoughts in her head. She wished she could be as strong and as confident as her husband, but she can't help but be scared. Scared that she's going to have to go home and break more heartbreaking news to their son, their son who recently started feeling better, safer, happier knowing his father's okay; scared that she's going to have to go back to a life of uncertainty.
"Hey," Brian says, gently pulling her out of her thoughts, "come here," he says as he pats the space beside him on the bed, pulling his wife into his arms the moment she's close enough. He breathes in her smell, the soft scent of her lavender body wash mixed perfectly with the vanilla scent of her shampoo causing his body to calm itself at the homey feeling he gets with her wrapped in his arms, "stop worrying. I'm going to get through this; we're going to get through this. It might be hard but it's going to be okay, I promise."
Olivia swallowed hard, as she allowed tears to roll down her cheek before nodding silently; it seemed no matter how hard she tried to stay strong her attempts were futile. Since she received the call from Tucker telling her about Brian's accident, her life had been flipped upside down, and the Olivia who once felt like the sky was always falling had returned with a vengeance. She seemed to always be waiting for the shoe to drop, for something else to go wrong.
"Liv, babe…" Brian's voice was calm in bringing her out of her thoughts, his hand now gently made their way to her face, wiping the tears that fell down her cheeks. He smiled sadly at Olivia when their eyes met as he placed a tender kiss on her forehead.
Olivia breathed in deeply and loosened the grip she didn't even know she had on Brian's pajama top, "sorry" she whispered, "I just, I'm scared," she breathes out, her voice wobbling slightly as she wraps her arms around Brian's waist, pulling him closer to her, his fingers immediately tangling in her hair, soothing her.
"I know."
No other words are shared are shared until a nurse walks in to tell Brian they'll be moving him to a preoperative holding area shortly where they'll begin prepping him. He takes Olivia's hand in his and places a gentle kiss on her knuckle, "I love you, it's going to be okay. Don't stress, it's going to take more than a nerve graft to keep me down."
Olivia bites her bottom lip nervously before nodding in agreement, she smiles weakly at her husband as he leans over and kisses him, deeply, passionately, letting all of her fear and anxieties out without speaking. She pulls away slightly, leaving her forehead to rest on his, and they're both breathing heavily, "I love you too." She leans in and places another quick kiss on his lips, a soft kiss, one that reminded of her of the kiss they shared before Brian ran out of the house the day of his accident, a tender kiss that was full of love, which said forever in unspoken words.
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Olivia sits quietly in the OR waiting room finally allowing herself to get caught up with the novel she's been working on finishing since before her life was flipped upside down. She flipped through the pages of Anthony Doerr's All the Light We Cannot See and sporadically checked her watch, it just after 11 and Olivia sighed, closing her book and deciding it was time for another coffee.
Upon her return to the waiting room, Olivia stared idly at the TV screen displaying the news, and found herself thinking about work, she hadn't been in very much recently and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. She missed SVU, she missed her colleagues, her friends but she didn't miss the unpredictable hours, the exhaustion that came with working such emotionally charged cases or not getting to spend time with her family.
She misses the days she got to spend with Henry and Brian after she gave birth, while she was on maternity leave, when things were simpler. At this point, she missed work. The hours may have been slightly unpredictable but they've also been a lot better than they used to be. She missed her son, missed the days that she would just cuddle with him and watch cartoons, when her son wasn't constantly alone with a babysitter,
"He's going to think Nyla is his mother!" Olivia yelled in a whispered tone, throwing her hands up in defeat, "I'm never around, I don't know if I can do this anymore."
Brian looked at his wife skeptically, knowing just how much her job means to her, "Liv, don't be rash; Henry loves you, he lights up every time he hears your voice." Brian's voice was calm, much calmer than Olivia's and he placed his hands on her shoulders before pulling her flush against him, one hand wrapped tightly around her waist, the other stroking her hair sweetly, "Henry loves you so much and he knows you love him too. You're an incredible mother and you're an amazing cop and one day, he's going to be the one to tell you how incredible you are but if you really, truly mean what you're saying then I'll support you."
He lets go of his grip on her waist slightly and she pulls back just enough to meet his eyes, "if you want to leave SVU, then I'll support that decision. I'll support you in anything you want to do, as long as you're doing it to make you happy and you're not doing it out of fear or because you think it's what you're supposed to do."
Olivia wiped the tears that had fallen at some point during the conversation and smiled at Brian, her right hand moving to cup his face gently. He always knew what to say to calm her down, and even now, 4 months after giving birth, hormonal and tired he still found a way to relax her, to calm her fears.
"I don't want to leave SVU…" her voice was quiet, barely a whisper as she shook her head, moving her hand away from his face and rubbing her shoulder, contemplating what to say next, "I don't want to leave but I don't know to do. I can't keep working 14 hour days and coming home to you and our son like my life hasn't changed; It was already hard enough making time to see you, but now we have Henry and it feels like the only time he and I have together is his 4am feeding- right before I start getting ready for work, and God, Bri, sometimes it's just so hard." A shaky breath escapes her lips and she can't help but smile a little when she feels Brian's hand running soothingly over her back, comforting her, urging her to go on, "I thought working SVU was emotionally taxing before, but since having Henry, it's only gotten harder; harder to see the neglected, abused, unwanted children... I'm rambling and I don't even know what I was saying anymore, sorry."
"It's no problem, Liv, I want to help you, I love being the person you come home to and vent to. I love that you trust me with your fears but you need to trust me when I say this, Henry couldn't have gotten luckier than he did when you become his mother. He's young yet it's so obvious that he adores you and Liv, he'd be so proud of you for all you've done and all you continue to do with SVU. It's people like you that make the world a better place."
Olivia looked up at Brian with fresh tears welling as he continued,
"Your love for SVU and the difference you've made in the lives of so many people is incredible, but if you think it's too much, put in a request for a new captain. I'm sure the kids will be fine if you aren't in charge 24/7, they survived with a temporary commanding officer when you were on maternity leave, I'm sure they could do it now…"
Olivia's eyes widened as Brian's words resonated within her, somehow she hadn't thought of that, she knew it would be hard on the squad to deal with a new C.O., they were terrible at dealing with change but she knew she needed to do something to convince her that she was doing all she could possibly do to make her son happy, to make her family succeed.
"I hadn't thought of that…"
Brian couldn't help the slight chuckle that escaped his lips as he leaned over to place a kiss on Olivia's head, "it's okay, you're a new mother who's still very sleep deprived"
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He was right about a new commanding officer, the pressure on her within the squad room had eased tremendously and she had time to spend with Henry and for the first time in a long time, she was happy. Of course that happiness didn't last as long as she would've liked, if it did, she wouldn't be here, sitting in this silent OR waiting room, waiting for an update, for hope.
She glances quickly at her watch once more, the surgery shouldn't last too much longer and she opens her book once more, losing herself in a world of fiction, of Paris and Nazi Germany. She hears the doors open and her eyes dart up as they lock with those of a young doctor, he calls for the family of Brian Cassidy and she steps toward him, why didn't Doctor Flores come out to give me an update, she wonders as panic begins to set in, what if something happened, what if complications arose.
"I'm sorry for the delay in updates, we ran into a slight issue with one of the grafts…"
Before the young doctor could finish Olivia was already cutting him off, panicking, "what do you mean an issue? Is he okay?"
"There's no need worry, Sergeant," the young doctor was calm and Olivia wasn't sure whether she should be thankful for his excellent bedside manner or angry that he was so calm while trying to assure her that her husband was indeed well after coming out to tell her that there had been an problem while her husband was in surgery. "The issue was with the graft, not your husband. The graft tore in surgery but luckily we had another and Dr. Flores is still working on him, hopefully we should have another update out to you sooner than later."
She nodded and uttered a quick thank you, as the doctor turned around and made his way back toward the operating rooms, this was going to be another long day.
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