(cries) oh my god, I am so happy...I feel the need for a song! Happy happy joy joy!...okay, that is so early 90's but seriously! You know all those net problem's I've been having (proly not, but I've been having A LOT!) well, we figured out what it was...you know, when two days ago, our phone lines just stopped working completely! Turns out there was a split in one of the phone lines and they have now fixed it...which means NORMAL GOOD INTERNET! AWOOHOO! sorry, I'm just so incredibly happy now becuase things are all going as they should be going (grins manically) but enough about that...onwards with the story I say!

Yeah, I finally updated this crazy thing, feeling the need to write a lighter story while the phone lines were down...you know, to cheer me up. I'm not sure how good this chap is, I was half asleep when I wrote it, but I have found that being half asleep is a good thing when writin comedy...cause you are slightly hysterical, but anyway! I hope you all enjoy this and I will be updating ...probably after I update all the other ones...it might be a while, but bear with me! I think that there will only be two or three chaps left on this one. So please read and review and I love you! Oh, and in case any one has forgotten, this is set around mid season 6, which would be...late 2000? i dont know, my brain aint working.

I do not own friends/actors/LOTR (you'll see)characters, or any other cliche I may have stolen from for this story, but I do currently own a gross computer screen, having just sneezed all over it...yuk. Man, hayfever is theBEST!


"Cool!"

Chandler glanced around in awe, Joey's exclamation barely registering with him.

"Cool!" he echoed. They were in a field; grass stretching for miles around them, with trees littering the ground every so often. In the distance there was a forest, and he could see smoke, far, far away though. A variety of animals were spread throughout the field, most cows and horses, but there were a few that were unlike anything Chandler had ever witnessed.

"Oh my god you guys, would you look at this?" Rachel whispered as they all took a few steps forward.

"I know, I am so taking that unicorn home with me!" Before anyone could say anything, Phoebe had started for the unicorn, which surprisingly didn't run when she approached. Well, Chandler wasn't sure whether or not he should have been surprised that it didn't run, never having actually encountered a unicorn before. He wasn't sure if they were the type of creature to flee or befriend. From the look of this one, they were the latter.

"It's so soft!" Phoebe giggled as she happily patted the unicorn's fur. "Oh, you are so mine!"

"This is incredible," Rachel murmured as she slowly approached the unicorn. Reaching out with a shaking hand, she let out a small gasp as skin connected with fur. "Oh!"

"See? I told ya!"

Rachel continued to stroke the unicorn, looking at its face. It may have been her imagination, but she could have sworn that it had smiled at her. Before she could continue that thought, the unicorn started trotting away.

"No, wait! No! Oh no," Phoebe watched as it slowly made it's way up the hill, then turned and looked at them briefly before trotting off out of their view. "Oh, now I'll never have a pet!"

"Don't worry Pheebs, I'm sure we'll find something else," Joey said soothingly. "Right Chan…Chan?"

"You know what's weird?" Chandler said after a beat, obviously having not heard Joey. "I mean, besides this entire situation…this place reminds me of how I pictured Middle Earth to look…you know, Middle Earth? Lord of the Rings?"

"I never read Lord of the Rings…but I did read the Hobbit…oh! You are so right! It does look like that!" Rachel glanced around in amazement. "Like Earth except not…and Middle Earth didn't have unicorns."

"It could have, we just never heard about them."

"You know, I think I heard that they are making a movie about that," Joey piped up.

"What? Lord of the Rings?"

"Yeah."

"Cool! I'm totally gonna see that opening night! What about you Ross?" Chandler paused for a moment, waiting for an answer. "Ross?"

The group turned to find Ross pressed up against a tree, wide eyes glancing around in horror.

"Uh Ross? You okay there buddy?" Joey asked, stepping forward.

"I think he's freaking out," Phoebe whispered after a long pause.

"Ross?"

"How…how did you guys do this?" Ross shrieked after another long pause.

"Well…we met up with a leprechaun, who opened a portal to another dimension…come on Ross, you were there!" Rachel exclaimed.

"But…but…but…this isn't possible!"

"Oh for crying out loud," Chandler muttered, making his way over to Ross. "Men…useless….Ross! We're in another dimension! I got turned into a woman! There was a leprechaun! It's all true, nothing's made up! Now come on, we're gonna go save your sister!"

"But…"

"It's either that or you can stay here by yourself."

"Ross looked at Chandler for a long moment, then reluctantly nodded. "O-Okay lady."

"Chandler! I'm Chandler!"

Ross continued to stare at Chandler, and then shook his head, obviously not believing him. Chandler sighed, then grabbed Ross by the arm and started to drag him towards the rest of the group. "Fine, don't believe me, I don't care! Now hurry up!"

"Okay, okay! Let go of me, you're hurting me!"

"Hurting you? Jeez Ross, I'm a tiny little woman!"

Rachel, Phoebe and Joey all glanced at one another as the other two made their way over, bickering relentlessly. "Do you think we could just leave those two behind?"

"Nah…Monica would probably get pretty pissed if we did," Rachel told Joey after a beat.

"Yeah and besides, I never did get to find out where Chandler had his nails done," Phoebe added.

"Hey! That was eight years ago lady, and how do you know about that?" Ross screamed.

"You are so close to getting a bitch slap Ross," Chandler warned, raising a well manicured hand. Ross shied away.

"Okay! Okay, you're Chandler! I believe you, whatever!"

"Thank you! Shall we go?"

"…where?"

Rachel's question stopped Chandler in his tracks as he realised that he had no idea where to go from here. Monica could be anywhere.

"Uhh…"

"Maybe we just walk for a while and see what we find?" Phoebe suggested. Joey nodded in agreement.

"But what if something happens to Mon while we are walking around aimlessly?" Chandler exclaimed. "She could die! She could…someone could hurt her and then…and she could die!"

"Chandler, I'm sure she'll be fine! Monica's a tough girl," Rachel insisted. Chandler sniffled.

"You think?"

"Of course!" Phoebe agreed.

"Maybe we should walk towards that smoke?" Joey suggested after a beat.

"I don't know, it might be something that we don't wanna see."

"But it's still something!" Chandler snapped in Rachel's direction.

"Well excuse me for being cautious!"

"You don't think I'm cautious?"

"Well, you seem to have no problem rushing into things! I mean, you're pregnant!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you have no problem rushing into things! Didn't I just say that?"

"Coming from the person who proposed to a boyfriend after four dates!"

"Hey, that was only because I was upset!"

"You're always upset!"

"That is so not true!"

"Oh no? Then why are you crying?"

"I miss Monica!"

"So do I!"

"Oh sweet Lucifer," Phoebe muttered as Chandler and Rachel went from screaming at one another to sobbing in each other's arms. "Hey! You two miss Mon?"

"Yes," Chandler whimpered as he pulled away from Rachel.

"Well, how is crying over her going to bring her back?"

"I…I don't know…" Rachel trailed off, glancing down at her feet. Joey smirked, not feeling the need to speak up. Phoebe was doing fine.

"Well okay then! Now, are we going, or are we gonna just continue to cry and whine about it? Because I, for one, feel like walking my ass off."

There was a long pause as Chandler and Rachel glanced at one another, then both nodded.

"Okay Pheebs," they said in unison.

"Okay then! Now, let's go!"

"Hey Chandler?" Joey said as they started to walk. Ross watched them for a moment, then sighed and started to follow.

"What Joe?"

"Maybe you can actually walk your ass off…you know, keep in shape before you get fat?" Joey let out a grunt as Chandler's elbow connected with his stomach. "Hey! I'm just saying! Jeez, you're moody!"

"Moody? Oh no, I'm not moody Joey! Moody would be if I decided to start dancing around the meadow with flowers in my hair!"

"…okay, I don't even get that," Phoebe said after an apprehensive moment.

"I think he was going for a play on words…you know, like happy would be if he was dancing in the meadow, and moody would be this…he swapped it around, for sarcastic benefits," Rachel explained, frowning slightly. Phoebe nodded.

"Ah."

They continued to walk – Chandler stumbling every now and then -a tense silence falling upon them. Ross was trailing behind, a look of shock on his face still.

"Oh man, am I glad I decided to wear these shoes," Chandler said sarcastically after stumbling once more. "Wait a minute…I didn't decide…that was you!"

"Hey, you could have gone and grabbed yourself another pair missy," Joey said, raising his hands defensively.

"Missy? Oh no, you didn't just call me that!"

"Wow, and I thought dinner with both of my parents together was tense," Rachel remarked as she listened to Chandler and Joey bitch at one another.

"You wanna talk about tense? Once, I was so tense that all the nervous energy and tension I was displaying actually lit a candle in the next room!"

"That…uh, that never happened, did it Pheebs?" Ross finally spoke. Phoebe shrugged.

"Tension, grandma. Tomayto, tomato…big diff! I mean, if my grandma hadn't lit it, I'm sure I could have."

"Of course you could have honey," Rachel said soothingly, stepping over a mud pile.

"Du-ude!"

"Oh relax, they aren't even listening!" Chandler snapped at Joey.

"But still! Those words were never meant to be spoken in public!"

"What words?" Phoebe asked. Chandler and Joey glanced at the group, both looking like deer's caught in headlights.

"Uh…nothing," Chandler muttered, sounding embarrassed.

"Oh…hidden tales, huh?" Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Tell us more."

"There's nothing to tell!"

"Oh really?"

"I heard something about a shower," Ross said after a beat, finally looking like he was getting used to the idea that they were in another dimension and that Chandler was, in fact, a woman.

"No you didn't, nuh uh!"

"Shower hey?" Rachel thought this through for a moment. "Did you guys shower together?"

"No!"

"Of course not!"

"Oh, you guys so did!" Phoebe exclaimed. Joey rolled his eyes.

"Okay, fine!"

"Du-ude!"

"But we didn't shower together…Chandler helped me take a shower when I had my hernia thingy!"

"Hey! I wasn't the only one who didn't want that out in the open!" Chandler exclaimed.

"I believe in getting things out!"

"You helped him shower?" Ross asked him incredulously. Chandler stopped, pointing a red fingernail Ross' way.

"You laughing at me, Taco Boy?"

"O-Of course not…no where near as much as I was when we went to Atlantic City."

"Oh really? And who cried when they came in fourth in the Vanilla Ice look-alike contest?"

"Who came in first?"

"Least I won some money!"

"Whatever dude, you kissed a guy."

"W-What?" Rachel exclaimed. Chandler turned to face her.

"I thought he was a woman!"

"Did the five o'clock shadow throw you off by any chance?" Joey smirked.

"We are so moving on!"

"Aw, I wanna hear more hidden tales!" Rachel whined as Chandler started to walk once more. He stopped and glared at her then went to speak, but was interrupted by a horse riding up, a man in armour sitting atop; long black hair billowing in the wind, blue eyes piercing from the chiselled face. Phoebe and Rachel felt their hearts flutter in their chest, and Chandler felt an inkling of that too, something that he quickly pushed aside. His brain was going haywire.

The armoured man stopped in front of them and gazed at each group member in turn, his eyes finally resting on Chandler.

"M'Lady, you will catch your death wearing naught but those clothes!" he exclaimed. Chandler stared at the man for a moment, and then threw his hands into the air.

"Thank you! That's what I've been saying this entire time, but no! Joey was sweating!"

The armoured man dismounted, sending a glare Ross and Joey's way. "What sort of men do you travel with, if they will not give up their attire to warm such a beauty?"

"Yeah, like we would want to cover her up!" Joey laughed. Chandler shot daggers his way while the armoured man's eyes widened.

"You would treat such a lady as an object of your sordid desires?"

"…huh?" Joey said after a long moment. The man snorted, turning his nose up at Joey before holding a hand out to Chandler.

"M'Lady, it would honour me greatly if such a vision of magnificence such as yourself would accompany me, a lowly knight."

"Uhh," Chandler glanced around at his friends, who were all gaping at the man. "I…uh, what about my friends?"

"The blonde belle and her lovely companion may accompany us, but the pigs shall stay."

"Hey, that's fine with me, screw the guys." Chandler took the knights hand and climbed on top of the horse while Rachel and Phoebe stood there, blushing. Joey and Ross exchanged glances.

"Hey! What about us?" Ross exclaimed.

"Well, you guys aren't visions of magnificence, so you stay behind," Phoebe explained, winking at the knight.

"What? Chan, listen buddy, I know you got the whole 'man hating' thing going on right now, and I respect the fact that you have the 'man hating' person inside your brain, but come on! You can't just leave us here! What would Mon say if she found out that you stranded her brother and…her…eater of food in the middle of some other dimension?"

Chandler stared at Joey for a long while, and then glanced at the knight, pouting slightly. "But Joey…I don't wanna walk."

"It can't be that far! And listen, if you be good, I might think about carrying you…ah! If! Come on Chan, I'm your best friend!"

"Fine!" Chandler rolled his eyes, and then gave the knight an apologetic glance as he climbed down from the horse.

"You are not to accompany me?" the knight asked in a soft voice.

"No, I have to stay with these guys…and trust me, you wouldn't want me anyway, not when you saw me pee standing up or throw up from morning sickness."

"Hell, I'll come with you!" Phoebe exclaimed, reaching up for the knights' hand. Rachel pulled her away. "Rach! He's wearing armour! This is like my fantasy!"

"Oh, and it's not mine? But we have to stay here with these stupid guys."

"I understand, M'Lady," the knight glanced down at the ground. "But if I could be of assistance?"

"Yeah, we're, uh, looking for a town…or any sort of civilisation…thingy." Joey frowned at his words, and then nodded.

"The town of Sonarale is half a day's travel if you step lightly," the knight said, pointing to the left of them.

"Half a day!" Chandler and Rachel whined in unison.

"Or it is but a short walk that way if you wish to reach the settlement of Lendaly," the knight pointed towards the smoke. "It is a smaller town by comparison, but they are friendly folk."

"Okay, thanks!" Chandler flashed a winning smile at the knight, and then turned to Rachel. "Told you the smoke was safe."

"Don't start with me Chandler."

"So, what's your name?" Phoebe asked the knight, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

"I am Artemis, faithful knight to King Louis."

"Ohh…so manly."

"What?" Ross exclaimed. "King Louis?" The knight ignored Ross, still focussing on Phoebe.

"And by what name are you called? Surely something as beautiful as you must have a name like the sunset, or the blossom of a fair winter's rose." Phoebe giggled at the knights' question, but before she could answer, Chandler had grabbed her arm. As she was pulled away, Phoebe glanced back at Artemis.

"I'm Phoebe! Call me!"

"Farewell, fair Phoebe! Farewell, M'Lady! And their lovely companion!"

"Oh…sexy!" Phoebe exclaimed as Artemis rode away.

"Yeah, he had no trouble turning his attention from me to you," Chandler muttered as they began to walk towards the smoke now known as Lendaly.

"Oh please! You turned him down! He wasn't the sort of guy who would wallow in self pity! He was a man of action! Did you not see him?"

"Of course I saw him! And he saw me first!"

"Sounds like someone is jealous," Rachel singsonged.

"What? Why would I be jealous? It was a guy! I mean, sure he was attractive in a manly sort of way, and those eyes were bluer than blue, but…oh my god, what is going on with me?"

"I betcha it's the man hater in your brain!" Phoebe exclaimed, for once not assuming that Chandler was gay.

"But that doesn't make any sense…why would a man hater be attracted to a guy?"

"Duh Rach, she obviously isn't a lesbian…and what non lesbian man hater do you know that doesn't get turned on by hunky knights with blue eyes?"

"…I guess I would have to say none!"

"There you go! Chandler isn't gay; it is all the man haters fault."

"Sure," Joey said discreetly to Ross, who snickered.

"Wait…why didn't Liam mention anything about the man hater?" Chandler thought suddenly. Rachel and Phoebe frowned, thinking that over. Rachel clapped her hands together, the answer coming to her.

"Oh! To not get himself in as much trouble! Yes! That's it!"

"Okay!"

"Would you look at this place?" Ross said after a short silence, glancing around at the green that surrounded them. "It's incredible."

"I see that some one has finally decided to open his mind," Chandler mused, grimacing as he pulled his boot out of a pile of what he could only hope was mud.

"Well, it took a bit of getting used to, but yeah…having Chandler quip sarcastic remarks at me while sporting-"

"A great rack?"

"I was going for a female body Joey, but that works too! Add that to the fact that we were just dragged through a portal into another dimension, and I think that there is enough evidence to support this."

"Well that's just dandy…oh my god!" Chandler let out a groan as he stepped in yet another mud pile. "What did I do to you?" he screamed down at the mud.

"Chan…you gotta step over."

"I'll show you stepping over…lay your corpse down and I'll step all over it!"

Joey raised an eyebrow as Chandler stalked off, glaring down at his ruined boots.

"He's pretty hot and cold, isn't he?" Ross asked, stopping in his tracks.

"Oh, you haven't seen anything Ross…wait till he gets the teeth out," Rachel muttered as she walked past. Ross raised his eyebrows, and then shrugged, following his friends.


"So…that's Lendaly? It's pretty small…but nice!"

"It's cosy."

"Cosy my ass, this place is a hole!" Joey panted. Rachel and Phoebe rolled their eyes.

"We were trying to put a nice spin on it Joey."

"Well, it wasn't working."

"Shut up and put me down!" Joey rolled his eyes and then helped Chandler climb off of his back.

"You know, I only said you could do that if you were good."

"I was good!"

"Oh really? So kicking me in the ribs…what was that?"

"You weren't going fast enough, and besides, I thought you liked having women on top of you, legs wrapped around your waist."

"That is only half true! I'm the topper, not the girls!"

"Well, I'm not really that interested in having your body sprawled over me while I sweat and pant!"

"I didn't know that was an option." Chandler rolled his eyes as Joey accompanied his sly remark with a wink.

"Now where can we rest? I'm exhausted!"

"Oh, you're exhausted? What, from all the being carried around!" Joey exclaimed, his seductive mood gone.

"I'm pregnant here!"

"You can't use that every time you get your panties in a twist!"

"You're one to talk, panty wearer!"

"That was only one time and I didn't enjoy it at all!"

"Oh please! I'm sure you loved the way the silk felt on your skin!"

"They were lacy!"

"Where's Ross?" Chandler asked, changing the subject. Rachel cocked a thumb towards the bushes.

"He had to pee."

"Oh great, you had to mention peeing, didn't you? Excuse me," Chandler stormed off into the bushes, a surprised yelp being heard moments later.

"Chandler!"

"Jeez Ross, you must be a really good boyfriend to get three woman to marry you, because that thing sure as hell isn't improving matters."

"Least I have one!" Ross entered the clearing moments later, an angry look on his face.

"You just wait till I lose the boobs, then we'll see who can gloat, shall we?" Chandler called from the bushes. Ross rolled his eyes.

"Oh my god, can I kill him?"

"Ross, we've already been over this…it isn't Chandler's fault that his moody and bitchy and a total bastard," Phoebe explained to her friend.

"Well, it is a bit! Mon didn't curse him up just for something to do! She was mad at him!" Ross yelled.

"I know but that doesn't give us the right to kill him…let's play nice now children."

"But he insulted my thing!"

"Ross…I've seen your thing and let me tell you, you have nothing to worry about," Rachel said soothingly. Ross smiled.

"Thank you Rach." He turned away, missing Rachel turn to Phoebe and shake her head then laugh, while holding her thumb and forefinger close together. Phoebe let out a giggle. Both girls wore innocent expressions when Ross turned back to face them, a suspicious look on his face.

"Okay, I peed, it's all good, I'm getting better at that, shall we go and check out Crap Village?" Chandler muttered as he walked out of the bushes.

"Lendaly," Phoebe corrected loudly.

"I'm aware of that Pheebs, thank you very much."

"Shall we go?" Rachel started towards the village before another fight could break out. Chandler glared at Phoebe for a second, and then started walking.

"I wonder if they will have any food; I'm starving! Whose idea was it not to bring any food?"

"We didn't really have much time Joey."

"We should have made time Ross!"

"Tell that to Chandler, he was the one who dragged us through the stupid portal."

"To find your sister, Ross!"

"You mean to find your girlfriend."

"They're the same person Pheebs! Both Mon!"

"I know, but I'm sure that if you weren't going out with Mon, you would be sitting in your chair right now, drinking beer and leaving poor Ross to go find her!"

"If I wasn't going out with Mon, then there wouldn't be a problem, because I wouldn't be a woman!"

"Oh, so you're blaming this on Monica?"

"Guys-"

"Well, she was the one that cursed me!"

"Because of something you did!"

"Guys-"

"I don't think that anything calls for a curse!"

"If you're so angry at Mon, then why are you here?"

"Because I'm carrying her baby, that's why!"

"Oh no, there's another reason!"

"Guys-"

"Oh, and what reason-"

"Would you guys shut the hell up!" Rachel screeched, causing the group to fall silent. They all stared at her in shock. "I think that something is following us, and you guys making so much noise isn't going to help us lose them!"

"…you breaking the sound barrier isn't, either," Chandler quipped after a moment. Rachel's eyes widened at his comment, but she was interrupted before she could speak.

"Aha! Ramiel! I knew it was you!"

The group stared in shock at the dishevelled man that appeared from the bushes, sword drawn, pointing at Ross.

"Uh…excuse me?"

"Do not act a fool, Ramiel! Too long have a hunted you, barely sleeping or eating. Too long have you eluded me! Too long have we not fought our final battle…but for no longer! For the third and final time, I challenge you!"

"W-What? Who are you?" Rachel asked.

"I am Cain, but I would not expect a maiden such as yourself to be concerned with my name…only Ramiel should, as I will be the last thing he sees as he draws his final breath!"

"I-I don't know who you, uh, think I am, but I definitely am not him!" Ross insisted.

"Dude, he thinks you're this Ramiel guy," Joey whispered. Ross rolled his eyes.

"Thanks Joey."

"Silence! You think that by having your hair shorn and wearing garments such as you are could fool me? You are clearly mistaken! We will battle at dusk, in this very spot. I will give you that long to prepare…and to bid farewells. But know this; I will be watching your every move, so if you do not show, I will hunt you and kill both you and your companions…dusk, do not be late!" With that, Cain disappeared back into the bushes, where Chandler could clearly see him still watching them.

"Wow, he's extremely good at hiding, isn't he?"

"You guys, what am I going to do?" Ross said shrilly. "This guy wants to fight me! I don't know how to fight…well, except for my karate, but that guy has a sword!"

"Damnit Ross, why do you have to look like someone else?" Rachel exclaimed.

"I'm sorry that this is an inconvenience to you Rachel!"

"Ross, if you don't make it, can I have your stereo?"

Everybody stared at Phoebe for a long moment, and then turned back to Ross.

"Maybe you could get some fighting lessons?" Joey suggested.

"From the looks of things, dusk is about two hours away here, Joey…I don't think that two hours would save my ass!"

"It's something Ross! I don't want you to die!" Chandler broke down in tears, leaving his friends bewildered.

"I thought you currently hated Ross?"

"I'm all confused Pheebs!"

"Maybe if we go into town, we can figure something out there…or, you know, find Mon and," Rachel lowered her voice, so to not be heard by Cain, still hiding in the bushes, "and get the hell out of here before dusk."

"Oh, I like that idea! Yeah!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"Okay…okay, we'll try that then."

"Okay big guy!" Joey patted Ross on the back while Chandler snorted.

"Big guy…yeah right," he muttered as they began to walk towards Lendaly, which was still a five minute walk. Cain followed them; obviously thinking he was being discreet, even if he really wasn't.

"You know, this guy doesn't seem very smart…maybe there will be no problem?" Rachel suggested.

"Yeah, but he can still swing a sword pretty well…I'm kind of lacking in that area."

They continued walking, fretting over the unexpected problem that had been handed their way.

"Hey Ross?"

"Yeah Pheebs?"

"So, can I have your stereo if you die?"