Ch.7 Ballerina, You Must Have Seen Her Dancing In the Sand

James

When we got home Logan still wasn't speaking to me and I immediately felt terrible, horrible inside if I had gone through so much self hate and hurting because of this. I return to the bathroom locking myself inside and pulling my shirt off, I move to the left side of my collarbone in the cleft and take my razor blade from its' hiding spot in the medicine cabinet, and crying procede to place the blade on my skin I push it gently but firmly until the blood bubbles up from the small wound in little rivulets and runs down the slight slope of the bone gritting my teeth as I do so. I haven't cut much since I've been around Tony and the previous wounds have all healed up. I liked him a lot he made me feel special when he looked at me while we were together he was always great to talk to. At first glance most people think he's just an airhead that likes makeup and designer clothes but he's an intelligent and classy young man which is why I like him so much. I wiped the blood away and leaned against the door, how could Logan have been so cruel? I thought we were best friends I thought I could tell him my secret. I got up and went to the bedroom, Logan glared at me as I grabbed a change of clothes and my pillow and blanket and moved towards the cold living room of the apartment I changed and then went to sleep on the couch in front of the TV.

The next morning as we drove to school Logan still wouldn't talk to me, and the silence bit into us like the frost and ice outside though the car was warm a shiver ran through my body. We got out of the car quietly and I locked it up with the remote on my keys.

We entered the building Logan still icing me out with his cold shoulder, we crowded through the bag scanners and the metal detectors and slowly attempted to move towards our first period classes. I had Forensic Science first period with Kendall, we sat at the same table and before everything changed me and Kendall used to have a great time in Forensics. The drugs have made Kendall a shell of who he used to be and killed and crushed the person he could have been. Kendall's dead inside and he doesn't speak unless he's talking down to someone, he doesn't do his schoolwork and skips classes throughout the day. I miss the old Kendall from before he lost control of his life and went spinning dangerously into a concrete wall. I sat down in my usual seat across the table from Kendall.

I stared into Kendall's glassy lost eyes, I can smell the meth and alcohol on his skin he needs help. I look down at my hands, weren't we supposed to be his friends? wasn't it our job to get him help? I returned to my work and the room was filled with just the sounds of pencils and pens scratching paper. I leaned my head against my arm as I wrote the smell of Shalimar rose to my nose still a blatant reminder of last night and Logan's hate, will I ever be able to come to terms with myself?

I am the first in the class to finish my paper, Kendall isn't worried about it at all he can't wait to get out of this classroom and self medicate in the bathroom. The bell rings and we put our papers in the tray on the teacher's desk while on our way out the door. I smile as Tony passes me in the hallway and as he returns it my heart is put at ease for a moment and all I can think about is how wonderful he is. When I'm with Tony I finally feel beautiful. I walk towards my usual group of friends by their lockers in the center hallway. " nice bag dude, italian leather?" one of them asks I nod silently looking down at my Ralph Lauren Polo shoes slinging the bag a little higher on my shoulder, "rough weekend" I added walking away with a wave.

The drive home from school was as silent and even more icy than the drive earlier that morning was made even icier by a cold rain falling from the sky causing the snow to turn to a muddy brown slush. We pull in at the apartments and I stop to let Logan out before driving on, I'm meeting Tony for coffee at this beautiful little cafe in the arts district. I smile at the metallic silver wrapped Macy's boxes in the front seat. I pull into the parking lot and walk around to the door of the cafe from the glass windowed storefront I can see Tony waiting at a seat by the counter that faces the window. I entered the cafe, loosening and letting my scarf free, Tony rushed over to hug me. I ordered a large latte, and turned to Tony who then ordered a large Berlin coffee which is described as a mix of chocolate and cherry coffee with whipped cream on top. I paid for both of them, we were served our drinks and walked over to a table in a corner almost out of view from the window. I pulled his chair out for him and he sat down I sat across from him sipping my coffee. I deeply inhaled his sweet perfumed scent, sensual but delicate in a way that made you think of flowers without a direct floral scent. I sighed and opened my shirt three buttons and pulled the left side of my shirt open exposing the mesh of cuts beginning along my collarbone and down towards my pectoral muscle.

"I cut again last night Tony" I said softly wiping a tear from my eyes

"...And I have something to tell you"

He looked at me hurt and pain in his eyes he reached a hand out to touch the marks running his velvet soft fingers over them gently.

"Tony, I think I'm Gay" I said

He nodded, " don't play with me James" he said studying the wounds on my chest his palm now pressed to them gently.

" I'm not playing, Tony last night I came out to Logan, and it went badly so that's why I cut" I shook my head crying softly " we were supposed to be best friends forever" I added.

He looked at me, " it takes time for them to come around sometimes, but they always do in the end" I took my hand and put it over his holding it close to my chest. "I have something for you" I said pulling the boxes out of my bag and placing them on the table. He smiled and opened them pulling the jacket out and nuzzling it into his face inhaling the scent of new jacket. " I love it James" his eyes lit up " thanks" and then the smaller box caught his gaze I had hidden it under the jacket. He opened the box smiling as he opened the box and withdrawing the bottle spritzing it on a napkin and holding it up to his nose to smell the sultry 1920s flapper scent. " Oh James! It's beautiful!" he smiled getting up to hug me tight. " I have something for you too" He put a bag up on the table passing it to me. I pulled open the tissue paper, withdrawing from the bag a deep burgundy scarf made of a rich thick yarn as soon as it was out of the bag I breathed deeply and inhaled his scent. " you sprayed it?" I asked he nodded "just thought it'd add a more personal touch I knit it myself" he added.

I drink more of my coffee, he takes a sip of his it warms us up creating a wall against the chill of rainy winter day. "I need your help" I said reaching my hand out to touch his.

He looks up into my eyes " with what James?" he asks he drinks some of his coffee and smells the perfumed napkin again. " it's Kendall" I said softly

" he's hurting pretty badly right now, and it's my fault, he's addicted to drugs now Tony and he's going downhill fast" I wipe a tear from my eyes he looks back at me.

" It's not your fault, you have no reason to blame yourself" he said

" Tony...it is my fault...because I know what happened" I whisper the last part of that sentence so no one can hear me, it's almost like I'm scared to admit it to myself.

"Well what happened?" he asked I looked over at him and shook my head, " we'll talk about this another time" I stood up and we went out to the car I helped him in and drove him home. " James,you know you did nothing wrong" he said as he stepped out of the car. I looked at him with the door still open " Valentines day is this weekend, dinner Friday at 7 I'll be there to pick you up dress nice" I said and he nodded stepped away closed the door silently walking into his house.