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Chapter 7
Olivia paced her apartment floor most of the night. She tried numerous times to sleep but every time she closed her eyes, all she heard was I pulled the trigger Liv. She couldn't get that thought out of her head. Elliot wanted to die. He wanted to end his life over what happened to Jenna. He wanted to leave her. Leave his kids. He felt so alone and so desperate he didn't want to live. She felt sick to her stomach, especially at the fact that it was dumb luck that the gun jammed. He pulled the fuckin trigger. He would be dead if fate had not intervened. Why did it intervene? Obviously, he was not meant to die.
The story he told her certainly changed her view point of everything that had happened. She was still hurt deeply, but the anger had subsided. She couldn't even imagine what it must have been like to hear those words from his own daughter. His kids are everything to him. It must have killed him to have Lizzie think or look at him like he was some kind of monster. Why didn't he let her help him? She thought to herself, maybe she isn't meant to solve every problem. Maybe sometimes, he needs to work things out on his own. He obviously did. He went to a shrink. Elliot Stabler got up and took himself, of his own accord, to someone for help. That in itself is a miracle. Olivia thought even if she couldn't be the one who helped him, at least he did reach out to someone. Have her hurt and anger and her missing him made her so bitter that she's willing to give up everything they have built over the past few years? Can they get past this? He still loves her. He told her that. She never stopped loving him, she always made that clear. She lay down on the couch and finally let the tears flow. The thought of Elliot dying, especially at his own hands, was almost too much for her to take. She sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like hours until she finally fell asleep.
She awoke the next morning and was startled for a minute. She needed to get her bearings, not sure where she was. She then remembered lying on the couch and realized she must have fell asleep. She immediately went to her phone. He said he would call today. She hoped she hadn't missed it. No missed calls. It was still early. He said he would call, so he will.
She got herself up and went into her bedroom. Their bedroom. Every time over the past three months she entered the room, she just sighed. She missed him so much. So much sometimes it physically hurt. She showered and got herself ready for the day, when all she really wanted to do was curl up in her bed and just cry some more. She wanted to talk to Elliot. Should she call him, she thought? Would he be annoyed? Although, he seems perfectly fine right now and has obviously dealt with what had happened that day, she couldn't help but worry about him and his state of mind. She could go over to Munch's apartment. He is staying there. No, she thought, that would be much too awkward. Just wait for him to call you Olivia, she said to herself. He will call you.
Hours passed and she felt like she had cleaned the apartment 50 times. She couldn't do it anymore. She sat on the couch and starred at her phone. She almost wished it had been a work day at least that would have kept her mind occupied. Instead, it was going to all these crazy places that involved Elliot wanting to hurt himself. Every time that thought entered her head, she felt sick to her stomach.
The phone finally rang. She ran over to it checking the caller ID. It was him. It was Elliot. She felt like a school girl for a minute and they boy she liked was calling her. She took a deep breath and answered it.
"Hey" the voice on the other end said.
"Hey, El" I was starting to think you weren't gonna call.
"I promised I would didn't I?".
"Yeah, you did".
There were moments of awkward silence, which made them both sad. They were never at a loss for words with each other. Olivia finally broke the silence and did something she didn't think she would do up until last night.
"El, do you wanna do something tonight?" she asked.
"You mean like go out?"
"Yeah, or you could come over and we can just hang out. Whatever you want to do".
"Olivia, I want to see you and be with you more than anything but if this invite is so you can keep an eye on me because you think I'm going to do something crazy, that's not going to happen. I'm not in that bad place anymore. I'm not that person who wanted to die anymore".
"I know Elliot. That's not what the invite was about. I just really wanted to see you, but I've been a real bitch to you since you came back so if you don't want to see me I completely understand".
"Liv, I have wanted to see you every day since I've been back. What time?"
"Gimmie an hour?"
"An hour. Okay, I'll be over then. Bye, Liv".
"Bye Elliot".
An hour later, right on the dot, there was a knock at Olivia's door. She was excited to see Elliot. She hadn't felt this way since he'd come back.
She opened the door, however, the person standing there was not who she expected.
"Hey Olivia hope it's okay that I just dropped by" he said.
"Ben….ummmm hi…..what are you doing here? She asked as she looked out her door into the hallway to make sure Elliot wasn't there. The last thing she needed was Elliot meeting her one-night stand.
"I was in the neighborhood and hadn't seen you since that night we met, so I thought I'd stop by".
"Oh..ummmm….yeah…okay ….Ben it's great to see you again really, but I am right in the middle of something. Do you think it'd be okay if I called you?"
"Oh sure, I'm sorry. I should have called. Just figured I'd take a chance you weren't busy".
"It's not a problem" she said leading him to the door praying to get him the hell out of there before Elliot showed up.
She opened the door and the same time, letting him know that she would call him. Unfortunately, Elliot was standing right there ready to knock on the door.
"Hey Elliot" she said smiling in an oh shit I'm caught sort of way.
"Hey Liv. Who's your friend? Thought we had plans".
"Hi, I'm Ben, a friend of Olivia's" he said as he extended his had to Elliot.
Right away Elliot knew who it was. This was the guy that Olivia had spent the night with. This is the guy who touched her. Who made love to her. He felt his fists clench and jaw tighten. He also knew that he was making progress with Olivia and if he wanted to continue to he needed to keep his temper in check. So in a non-Stabler move he grabbed Ben's hand and shook it. Olivia was stunned and couldn't help but smirk because she knew how much it was killin him but knew he did it for her and was touched by the gesture.
"Okay, well nice meeting you Elliot. Olivia, I'll be waiting for that call" he said as he winked at her and closed the door behind him.
There was another awkward moment of silence between Olivia and Elliot. He finally turned around and said "so that was the guy huh?".
"Yeah, El that was him. I'm really sorry. I haven't even talked to him since that night and he just showed up here about 10 minutes ago".
"It's okay, Liv. You don't owe me any explanations. Maybe I should just go"
"Elliot, please don't" she almost said in a begging manner.
"Liv, I know we're not together and I have no right to be jealous or anything, but when you explained to me that you had been with someone else it was one thing, but to see the guy and shake his hand that's another thing. I have no right to feel this way, I know that, but thinking about him touching you and loving you like I used to do, is just too much for me right now".
"Elliot, it was a one-night stand. I told you that! It was just sex! It was nothing like you and I. No one could ever be like you and I! You have ruined me for any other man Elliot Stabler. Does that make you feel better? I could be with 1,000 men for the rest of my life, and I know I will never feel what I feel when I'm with you. I know no one will ever love me like you do. I know that no one will ever make love to me like you do" she said screaming at him.
"Liv, you say these things to me like you still care, like we still have a chance. It confuses the hell out of me. I don't know where we stand. I didn't pour my heart out to you for pity. I love you and you know it, but I don't want you back that way not out of pity. I want you back out of nothing but pure love".
"Elliot….I told you the day you came back on the roof that I still love you. I will always love you. I don't know how to not love you. Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I could just stop, but it's like asking me to stop breathing. You're in my heart Elliot. You are my heart. You have been for the last two years we've been together and long before that. I need you to know that".
"Okay, Liv…I get all that, but what does it mean? Can you forgive me for staying away? Can you ever trust me again? Do we stand a chance or have I truly lost you forever?"
"Elliot, I will admit that I now truly do understand why you stayed away and didn't contact me. It breaks my heart to think of you feeling that down and low that you wanted to take your life. I will also admit that the thought of you and I together again makes me happy, but you need to understand that as much as I do understand I'm still hurt. I don't know where we go from here. I know I'm as deeply in love with you as I ever have been and I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes".
"Liv…he said moving closer.
"El…..don't" she said trying to push him away.
"Olivia, don't push me away. Shhhhh just relax and feel".
He leaned in and kissed her. It was gentle and calmed her. He pulled away to look at her. They never took their eyes off each other. He leaned down again and this time he devoured her mouth. She moaned against him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"God, Elliot. I've missed you she whispered into his ear as he nibbled at her neck.
"I want you Olivia. I want you so much. Can you feel how much I need you?" he whispered back.
His voice was husky and Olivia was on edge already. His voice and the way he was kissing her was just making her ache for him even stronger.
"I want you too Elliot….I just don't know…if…..I…..God Elliot…..feels so good"
"Don't think about it Liv, just let me love you. Love me, Liv. Let me show you how sorry I am. Let me show you how much I love you and what you mean to me. Let me show you that I will never leave you again no matter what" he managed to get out in between having his tongue down her throat and kissing her neck.
She pulled away and just looked at him. Brown and blue eyes met. Love, lust and betrayal confronting each other all at once. They had come full circle.
A/N: Will they have make up sex? Will it just be sex or can Olivia truly forgive him? Find out…
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