Part 5, This Blender was Once a Home

Once again, Whale the Whale begins a chapter waking up from an unconscious state. He finds himself lying on an operating table; he looks in front of him to see a group of small toasters, busily flying back and forth throughout the room.

A tired Whale the Whale takes a deep sigh, relieved to finally be away from the tyranny and oppression caused by the humans, and reaches up to thank this new mysterious race when he notices that he has been shackled down, unable to get up. Whale the Whale screams for help, only to be answered by the painful sting of a power cord and the burn of hot toast to the face.

Still dizzy from the toast, Whale the Whale looks up to see the whirring of a large saw, aiming to cut through his flesh like butter, as well as a small MP3 player set to repeat "Top That" from the movie Teen Witch. "My God..." thinks the fatigued whale, "They're not here to help me, they only want to turn me into a weapon!" He watches, helplessly as the blade spins faster and faster, humming loudly in the process. He tries to fight, but the only thing his mind can fixate itself on is the blender...the blender...

The blender he so vividly remembers.

Whale the Whale remembers his home in northern Wisconsin and his birth parents, which is odd because he was created in and lived all his life in an undersea lab. He remembers Franklin Smith Whale, his father, and Juanita Lopez Whale, his mother. He remembers how father would wake up early every day and kiss him goodbye on the cheek every day before going off to work, and how mother always tried to hide that Lynrd Skynrd tattoo from her wilder days. But most of all, he remembers…the blender.

Oh the blender, with such joy he'd put mixtures of ice cream, melon, steak, and a newborn kitten inside it's large two gallon blending jar, and hit the dance remix button. In a matter of seconds later, he'd have a funky fresh smoothie with just a hint of death. Young Whale the Whale would savor the smooth, silky taste of the ice cream and the stake, all the while going crazy over the crunchy taste of the kitten's skeletal remains, at least, until everything went horribly wrong.

It was a late winter's night. Young Harold Edgar Whale was having a sleepless night, and decided to acquire a late night snack from his favorite blender. Unfortunately, there were no kittens left and after a quick search, Whale the Whale decided that he might be able to get the same crunchiness out of a large brick. As he pulled the brick out of the freezer, he could hear an odd noise. It seemed that a symphony orchestra was playing The Four Seasons – Summer in the living room, but he ignored it and head off for the pantry.

Looking through the pantry, Whale the Whale finds a bottle of mustard and spreads some lengthwise across the brick. He took a second to stop and look at the way the mustard lived with the brick, ever so peacefully, ever so happily. Then he realized that we already did this damn joke with a muffin and just threw the brick in the oven.

Five minutes later the brick is nice and toasty as Whale the Whale slowly pulls it out of the oven and heads straight for the blender. With every step he takes, the orchestra gets louder and louder, reaching almost deafening volumes. He finally puts the brick in the blender and after one last blow from the orchestra; he presses the dance remix button. At that moment everything goes white as he feels a burning pain run throughout his entire body.

Bleeding heavily, Whale the Whale looks up to see a 120 foot tall Bob Barker wearing more gold then Mr. T. on top of the crushed remains of his house. It took only a second to realize that it was God himself, come to smite poor young Whale the Whale. "Why!?" he screamed out in anger, "Why have you done this to me!?" God looked at him and said "Wasteful mortals, you think you can put anything in the blender, don't you?"

Whale the Whale just stared blankly, with a look of confusion and horror as the Lord continued on, "Who do you think makes all those blender blades that you take for granted?" "B…b…Braun?" said Whale the Whale in a frightened voice. "Braun? I spit on Braun! No, it is I who creates the fine blender blades of this land! I will take the senseless destruction of my creations no longer!" bellows God in a voice of anger.

Whale the Whale can only watch as God rubs his rectum into the ruin that once held all he knew and love, delivering a brutal blow with his anal smite. Young Whale the Whale cannot help but to cry. Mixing tears and blood, he slowly cries himself to sleep.


Commentary:Sorry it took so long for me to update. My computer died after listening to "Can you Feel the Sunshine" for three hours straight, and no, I'm not kidding. In a way, I'm kind of glad it happened. This chapter was turning out a little crappy and I needed a bit of time to give it the tender love and car it needed to turn it into another monstrous crack-baby. I'm already having ideas on the next chapter, so expect it shortly. As long as I don't have another endurance test involving music from Sonic R, my computer should be fine.

And yes, Whale the Whale's real name is "Harold Edgar Whale"