SM Owns Twilight not us
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FYI: CHOP is Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
EPOV
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I was such a fucking idiot! All I had to do was tell Bella about Kate…why didn't I? Because I am fucking idiot. A confused one at that. As much as I know in my heart that Bella is my other half, there is a great deal working against us, and I didn't think we could work against it, I could work against it. So, I entertained the idea of being with Kate, yeah I know; Ridiculous. It was weak. It was the easy road. It was safe. Bella was worth fighting for, and I realized that too late. That epiphany came once I broke her.
Was it really going to be so difficult to be with her if I got accepted into CHOP's program? No. I was scared of what if I didn't.
After what Jasper told me, I knew a long distance relationship was something Bella would have a hard time with, and honestly, I don't know if she would ever be ready to accept one.
"E?" I heard Kate say, pulling me from my thoughts. She had been coming over several times a week and hanging out with Emma and me.
"What's up?" I asked her from my dazed state.
"You seem out of it…want to talk about it?"
I guess I could talk to her about it. Why the hell not? It's not as if I could talk to my family about Bella.
"Remember that girl I was telling you about?"
"Bella? How could I forget it's all Emma talks about." Kate said, and I wasn't sure if she sounded mad about it or indifferent.
"She won't return my calls. She is mad I didn't tell her you were back…and, I guess she got information about you wanting more than a friendship with me, and I didn't exactly turn you down," I looked at Kate who had been slouched back on the couch and twirling her hair while listening to me, but when I said I didn't turn her down she straightened out a bit.
"But you don't want me…not even half as much as you want her, right?" She asked quietly. I didn't want to tell her that. I wasn't one for making others feel bad about themselves. The hesitation was evident, the air was thick around us. "It's okay Edward. I'm a big girl; you don't have to even say it. I can see it. You ought to have I love Belwa tattooed across your forehead. I have no desire to be the girl you settle for."
"I'm sorry Kate."
"Don't be. I'm the idiot that waited so long to get my shit together. She will come around. Your Edward 'Freaking' Cullen. "
"Like that means shit." I told her laughing a little.
"It does…trust me."
Emma came bouncing in the room and right on my lap. I couldn't help but kiss her a few times and tickle her sides, I laid one last kiss on her cheek before she settled into me. Her thumb went immediately to her mouth, and she began to twirl her hair with her other hand.
"How long has she done that?" Kate asked referring to Emma's hair twirling.
"As long as her hair has been long enough," I told her.
Emma's eyes were getting heavy and I knew it was only a matter of minutes before she was going to be fast asleep.
"Can I put her to bed?" Kate asked, I didn't see any problem with it, so I shrugged.
"I don't see why not," I kissed Emma's head and began to pass her off to Kate.
"NO!" Emma screamed, "I want my daddy!"
Kate still tried to take her from me even though Emma clung to me for dear life, "Em, it's okay," she tried to soothe, "Ma-"
"Do NOT say that word," I warned her tensely, abruptly cutting her off. "Don't worry princess, daddy will put you to bed, Say goodnight to Kate," I said standing up and heading towards Emma's bedroom. I read Emma a bedtime story and kissed her goodnight. "I wove you daddy," she told me sweetly when I flicked on her night light.
"Wove you too, baby girl. Sweet dreams." I told her with a smile. I exited her room leaving the door ajar.
I went to the kitchen to find Kate, crying. "I want to tell her Edward! When can I tell her? It breaks my heart!" Kate cried to me.
"When I am certain you won't break HER heart, and I don't know when they will be…but I need to know you are going to stick around for more than two weeks!"
"Please, Edward! You won't even let me be alone with her! You are never going to be certain of me! You are never going to give me the benefit of the doubt! What do I have to do? Cause I am trying! I am here as much as you will allow me, I would do anything for her." Kate finished, wiping the tears from her face.
"Your right," I said flatly. "Because that little girl IS my life! And I not you, have been the one doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for her the past three years? NO! I have been! Not you. I don't know how one proves being a good parent, but it certainly takes more than a week or two! You do this my way or no way."
"Can I at least babysit or take her somewhere…?" Kate asked defeated.
"I don't know Kate, I'll think about it."
As soon as Kate left, I called Bella. No answer. I sent her a text, The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. It was a quote my dad always said to me, and to be honest, I could only do so much to get through to Bella. I knew if she just talked to me, I could start to put her back together. I couldn't do it alone though, she needed to meet me halfway.
It was my way of telling her the ball was in her quart.
BPOV
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
Pick up the phone, Bella. Call him back. Talk to him. Why can't I do it? I can do it. I reached for the phone and began to dial the number; I hit the last number before my finger hovered over the green send button. I can't do it. I used my index finger quickly on the red end button ultimately clearing the phone of Edwards's phone number. I toss the phone harshly onto my bed in frustration.
Why can't I meet him halfway? He asked me to, he wants me to call him!
It's been two weeks and two days since I last talked to Edward. I have been a mess. I have spent most of my nights drunks, taking the shots that were bought for me instead of pouring them out like as usual.
I wanted to move on, push Edward out of my mind, push the words Jake said about him using me out of my head. I was reminded of him everywhere I looked, everywhere I went.
Alice dragged me out shopping for Christmas. I couldn't help but get the iCarly Barbie doll for Emma. Alice said she would make sure Emma got it when she and Jasper went to Forks for Christmas. I wasn't going to get it for her, but I remembered what I told Edward, I would never let Emma think we weren't friends no matter how me and Edward ended up in our relationship.
What were me and Edward? I was never his girlfriend, yet never just his friend. The whole relationship screamed, "Break my heart," I should have known better! Because now, we were nothing, and I was left with a broken heart.
"Bella?" I heard Jasper say quietly, I turned to see him standing in my door, "Can we talk?"
"Sure, come on in," I said motioning for him to sit on my bed.
"You've been pretty out of it since you ended things with Jake…wanna talk about it?" Jasper asked me quietly.
"Not really," I told him honestly. "Jake isn't why I am upset if you can even call it that…I'm more like…numb."
"What happened?" Jasper asked.
"I met someone…who I thought was like 'the one', and it obviously I was wrong, and now I can't even bring myself to talk to him." I told Jasper being as vague as possible.
"huh…what makes you think you were wrong?"
"Umm…I don't know…he kept some pretty huge information from me about one of his past relationships…and uh, I found out he kinda gave her hope, to you know, get back together."
"And, you want him right?"
"More than anything," I was surprised at how fast those words came out of my mouth, how brutally honest they were.
"Then fight for him. He didn't tell you he was going to be with her, did he? Or tell you he only wanted to be your friend? Because if not, maybe he wants to make sure you are fighting for him…as much as he could be fighting for you."
"Fighting for me?" I questioned Jasper, I almost wondered if he knew.
"Yes, Bella. I see how often that phone of yours rings. How often you ignore it, send it straight to voicemail, I only assume it's 'the one'."
"So, I fight. And what if I get hurt?" I asked him
"Nothing you gain that is worth a damn will come to you easily; you have to take risks to get the rewards."
"I might be too broken to try and fight for it right now," I told him.
"You'll find the strength that is IF he IS indeed, 'the one'." Jasper kissed my forehead and stood, "And I think he is," Jasper added before leaving my room.
You can do this. You can call him. You can fight. You can meet him halfway.
I picked up my phone, dialed the familiar numbers and instead of quickly hitting the red end button for the tenth time, I hit the green one. I took in a sharp intake of breath as I heard the first of five ring tones.
"Hello!" A cheery, out of breath female answered.
"Um, is Edward available," I asked as a bit more of my heart broke. I knew it was her. Kate.
"Can I tell him who is calling?"
"It's ah, Bella."
"Sure, thing Bella, just let me get him." I heard her move about, and say, "Hey, E, it's Bella for you,"
"Bella?" I heard him say quickly before I heard him excuse himself from his company.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called…I just wanted to say how silly I was acting…I…um…you don't owe me any explanations or whatever," I told him nervously.
"Bella, please I owe you a lot more than an explanation. I don't know why I didn't tell you that night, that she was back…" Edward began before I interrupted him.
"Edward, stop. It's not like we were together, I mean, it's not my business if you want to get back with your ex, I mean we can still be friends if you want." Friends? What happened to fighting? I asked myself, but it was obvious I already lost the fight.
"Friends?" The word rolled off his tongue in distaste. "What if I want more from you?" He asked.
"Edward…I don't have the trust in you or myself built up for a long distance relationship…I tried that once and ended up hurt. More than hurt, my heart was broken in two million pieces. "
"Give me the chance to help you put it back together?"
"What about Kate?"
"What about her? Who wants to be the consolation prize? She doesn't want me just because you won't have me. "
"So you are not seeing her?" I asked him.
"Um, we talked about it, I told her about you…and she said that, she just wants a chance to be with Emma. I am trying to give that to her, what I want to do for you though…is so much more. Please let me. Let me be your friend, gain your trust." Edward pleaded with me.
"Friends?" I said surprised, quirking my eyebrow, as if he could see me.
"For now. We have to start somewhere, friends seems like an as good of a place as any."
"I can handle that," I said confidently.
"What are your plans for the Holiday?" Edward asked me out of left field, I guess going for the friendly conversation.
"I don't really celebrate Christmas," I told him honestly. Christmas time held so many horrible memories for me. It was around that time three years ago I had my abortion. It was Christmas Eve that I found out about Mike and Jessica. I really didn't feel like celebrating the…fuck, I won't even say it. I can't even bring myself to think it. So ironic, most of the world celebrated a birth, and I mourned…a death.
"Religious reasons?" Edward asked.
"No, personal demons," I told him flatly.
"We ARE friends…want to talk about it?"
"No, not at all."
"What would it take to get you to come with Alice and Jasper?"
"A lot," I told him with a small laugh. I was getting good at pushing my demons away.
"How about the certainty of amazing sex?" Edward asked me all cocky.
"With who? Emmett? He's married. I don't think it would work," I joked with him.
"Uh…no how about with ME?" He half asked half stated.
"OH you?" I continued to joke. "Come on, you're my friend, I don't think there is that much sexual chemistry between us, I just don't see it happening buddy," I said sarcastically.
"All joking aside, I want you to come. Please? I promise to be on my best friendliest behavior. "
"I don't know Edward. I don't really think I could afford a plane ticket on such short notice," I told him wearily.
"Ah ha! That wasn't a 'no'!" Edward exclaimed. I couldn't help but smile. "Don't make me beg, it's not pretty. Meet me halfway…start to let go of whatever past Christmas ghosts that are haunting you, let me help do that for you, give you some good – no not good – GREAT memories on Christmas, starting this year. I can't stand the thought of you being alone and unhappy over whatever happened in your past. Plus, I can buy your plane ticket."
"NO! No way!" I quickly shouted at him.
"Bella, please don't argue with me. It helps my frequent flyer miles, as a matter of fact, I'm here on my computer, I found a great deal, really, I am going ahead and getting it for you."
"I will pay you back," I told him.
"IF I let you."
"And Friendliest behavior?" I asked a bit relieved and disappointed. If I did this, Edward and I needed to focus on building an actual relationship.
"Scouts honor."
"Fine," I relented with a sigh. Another holiday with the Cullen's, I could do this. Alice and Jasper were only going the twenty-third through the twenty-sixth, and then Edward would be here for New Years.
"Emma is going to be so excited!" Edward said over his victory.
"What about her dad?" I flirted with him.
"Her dad? He is over the moon about it."
I felt like saying, "I love you," it felt so wrong, yet it felt so right. It couldn't be both, so I held my tongue.
EPOV
Christmas Eve
I anxiously pulled into my parents long tree lined driveway, I couldn't wait to see Bella. Alice, Jasper, and Bella all arrived in Forks last night. I only had tonight and tomorrow available to stay, I had to be back at work for a seven to seven shift Christmas day. I was lucky to get off Christmas Eve, and if I wanted off New Years, I had to do it; and I wanted nothing more than to be able to spend New Year's Eve with Bella.
We talked every day before I saw her. She talked to Emma, and Emma may have been more excited to see her than I was.
Though our conversations have been strictly platonic, I enjoyed every second of them. I was thankful Bella was allowing me to build a friendship between us. We couldn't help but to get flirty with each other sometimes, I almost felt like I was a teenager again. I knew Bella was the one now. I knew she had a lot of shit to straighten out and that I needed to be supportive of her. If I wanted her in my life, I needed to make sure I did everything I could to make sure she could feel safe with me again.
I felt like a piece of shit. I was talking to Bella a few days ago and she told me why she felt so hurt by me. She told me when she was with me, she felt safe, at home. Then I go and ruin it. I have every intention of giving her a great Christmas and build her trust back, make her feel safe and at home with me.
She begged me not to get her anything, and I technically didn't get her anything. Emma did. The plane ticket was a bit of a swing, I don't have a lot of money. What I have is one credit card, for emergencies, and getting Bella here for Christmas and making up for my asinine behavior, and that was important enough to break out the emergency card.
Snow had fallen, Emma was excited to play in it. As I got out of the car, I inhaled the clean air, and felt the snow crunch beneath my sneakers. Emmett always makes fun of me for these black Nike's I don't give a shit though, I love them. He is bias, because he is the face of Addidas.
"Come on princess," I said to Emma as I helped her out of the car.
"Belwa is here, wight?" Emma asked me as she grasped my hand and we began walking to the door.
"She sure is," I responded looking down at her with a big smile.
I opened the door, "Hello," I said to announce our arrival. I began to take off Emma's jacket when Alice, Bella, and Rose approached to say hello.
"Where is my favorite little girl!" Alice asked excitedly. Emma wasn't interested; she didn't even let me take off her jacket before she darted straight for Bella.
"BELWA!!" Emma yelled happily. I watched Bella crouch down as Emma ran into her arms. I watched Bella embraced Emma, her eyes were closed as she held Emma close to her with a beautiful smile.
"Oh! I see how it is! No love for your own aunt!" Alice pouted. Bella released Emma who jumped into Alice's arms. I offered Bella a smile, trying not to show how much I desperately wanted to run to her, pick her up and hold her tightly against me.
Instead, I walked to her slowly and gave her a friendly hug, "Bella, it's nice to see you again,"
"You too Edward," she said. I got a whiff of her peach scent and I was a goner. I buried my head in her hair, inhaling her scent. "God I missed the way you smell, peaches," I whispered in her ear. The hug became more than a friendly hello and I quickly released her, hoping all eyes were on Emma and not on us.
"Friendly," Bella whispered back reminding me that this holiday would have no secret sexy romps in the guest room.
Fuck. She looked beautiful. The skinny jeans she wore only showed off her long lean legs, and sexy little ass. God I ached to have her. It was taking all my self-control not to slap her ass. Shit, my dick was hard again!
Give it up, it ain't happening.
"Where are mom and dad?" I asked.
"Mass, they knew we didn't want to go, so they went to an earlier one so they could just stay in with us tonight," Alice informed me with a hug.
I walked to Rose who had Emma, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I was surprised at how well she handled Emma's entrance. Maybe she was beginning to understand that it didn't mean Emma loved her less, just that Emma see's her on a daily basis.
"So nice to finally see you minus the c-r-a-c-k head," Rose was so nice to start spelling out the word crack in front of Emma.
"Thanks Rose, where's Emmett?" I asked looking around for him.
"He is passed out upstairs. He is exhausted." Rose held Emma in her arms until she squirmed to be released. As soon as her feet hit the floor she was grabbing onto Bella's leg, itching to go play with her.
My god, how I wanted to run to Bella and hold her like Emma.
All afternoon I stool glances and touches from Bella. I got as close to her as possible, hardly ever letting her out of my sight. Surprisingly, it wasn't that hard; Emma wouldn't leave her side.
It was a Christmas tradition to trim the tree every Christmas Eve, Emma loved it. She was excited because she made the ornament we brought this year for the tree.
Bella, Alice, Rose, and Jasper were all in the kitchen helping my mom with dinner, I couldn't help but over hear everytime Bella spoke. I liked to tease Jasper about always being with the ladies, but not too much, cause he was a damn good chef, and I wanted to keep eating what he made.
"Esme, I really appreciate you having me here for the holidays."
"Don't be silly, it's our pleasure to have you! You are like family to us. I'm so glad you could make it on such short notice."
"I know, thank God Ed-I found a good deal," Bella stumbled over the words. I wasn't sure if my dad ever told my mom about Bella and I that weekend he caught us. It seemed like 'need to know' information, I just wasn't sure if my dad viewed that as something my mom needed to know.
I walked slowly back to the living room. Emmett loved to make us watch A Christmas Story marathon all day. There is only so much pole licking a man can take.
"Edward," I turned to see my mom approaching me, "Can I have a word with you?" She asked leading me to a semi-private nook off the living room.
"Did you buy Bella her plane ticket?" She asked, I wasn't sure how she felt about it, but it's pointless to lie to her.
"I did, I didn't want her to be alone for Christmas," I said chugging back a sip of my beer.
"You don't have that kind of money; you should have come to your father and me! It was very kind of you to do that," she said before I cut her off.
"She wouldn't have even entertained the thought of you and dad buying it for her, please. I may not have a lot of expendable cash, but I wanted to do it for her."
"Be careful with her Edward, she is still so young. I'm afraid she may not be ready for what you and Emma require."
"I appreciate everything, really. We are just friends right now." I hated saying that, I hated that the word friends was a necessary step for us now, because I fucked up.
By the time dinner was finsished I was afraid Emma may have eaten her own thumb. She was really testing my patience. Throwing tantrums about being 'hungee.'
"Em, baby, I KNOW you are hungee, dinner is almost done, please calm down," I pleaded with her as she clutched to my leg for dear life, wailing for food. I closed my eyes in frustration, exhaling loudly.
"Emma Antonia Cullen," I said raising my voice slightly when her crocodile cries grew louder and more desperate.
"Antonia?" Bella said as she came down to Emma's level , Emma sniffled frowned at Bella. "I love that name. I was going to name my baby that if she was a girl," I cringed slightly. I knew Bella didn't mean to say that. Emma stopped crying, and went to Bella for a hug. I chose to ignore her comment, and prayed no one else would notice it either.
"Come with me love bug," Bella said holding her hand out to her. "I know the chef, and I bet I can get something good for you to munch on until it's ready, if that is okay with your daddy," Bella said looking at me.
"If she isn't whining, she can have whatever she wants," I told her at the end of my rope. "Thanks Bella."
"It's my pleasure," she told me with a smile. I watched her retreat with Emma into the kitchen.
Dinner was uneventful; Emma started to get a little anxious about decorating the tree. This year Emma had an ornament that she made out of dried pasta at school.
I was making my way out of the dining room as Bella was making her way into the dining room after dinner, I couldn't help but make contact with her. Her steps faltered, mine slowed. We were almost at a standstill.
"Daddy! You have to kiss Belwa!" Emma exclaimed. Ever since Alice explained what the mistletoe that was hanging in the archway to the dining room, Emma had been chomping at the bit for someone to get caught under it. I smirked at Bella, wanting nothing more than to taste her sweet lips.
"Oh Snap!" Emmett chimed in. "Eddies gonna get some lip action…hey dude take what you can get!" He said patting my shoulder.
Bella looked down in an attempt to hide her red cheeks. "We don't have to," I told her.
"No…we don't want to disappoint Emma," she said looking up at me. I could see she was nervously chewing on the inside of her lip. I gently brought my thumb to her chin and released the inside of her lips from the death grip her teeth had on them. I held her chin steadily as I brought my lips to hers.
I thought I would be slick and let my tongue dart out for a quick taste, what I didn't expect was the moan that also escaped with my tongue. I heard Emmett begin his annoying cat calling before backing up quickly. Bella stepped back quickly, cheeks aflame.
Bella walked past me quickly, obviously a bit embarrassed.
"Dude, she would so let you fuck her," Emmett whispered to me.
"That's messed up, don't talk about her like that."
"Yeah, it is kinda messed up, she's like our baby sister, guess this is just one more celibate Christmas's for you."
"Thanks for the reminder," I said annoyed.
"Hey, I got the perfect New Year's resolution for you; get laid more." Emmett patted my back before walking past me.
"Come on Emma, time to decorate the tree," I said reaching my hand out for her to take.
I remembered Bella's drink of choice, but asked her just in case it changed. I remember what it was like to be nineteen and in college, drinking all the time. Once you got sick from drinking a certain drink all night you never wanted to drink it again. So I asked her earlier in the week, what her drink of choice was. Thank god it changed, Grape Vodka and seven. I made it quickly before I took Emma into the living room to decorate.
Bella was sitting on the couch with Jasper, and I walked to her and handed her the drink. "Grape right?" I asked just to make sure.
"Right," she said taking the glass from me. "Thanks Edward." I shrugged as I took the spot to the other side of her.
"Can I come see you tonight?" I whispered to her, trying not to look directly at her.
"Friendliest behavior," she whispered back tensely.
"It will be nothing but friendly, I promise Bella, and I don't break my promises." I told her making sure I made eye contact with her.
"Okay," she relented.
Emmett helped Emma place her ornament on the tree first; but that wasn't enough for Emma. She wanted to hang more.
Bella offered the one she brought. It was hand painted with the Cullen crest on it.
"Bella that is beautiful thank you so much!" My mom said to her as Bella stood to hug her.
"It's the least I can do for having me," she said. Bella and I sat next to each other the rest of the night. Occasionally I would find my hand resting on her knee, and move it quickly hoping no one had noticed. It was just so comfortable with Bella.
Once the tree was trimmed, I brought Emma up for bed. "Come on baby, say goodnight, Santa's coming," I told her.
"NO! Emma not want to sweep!"
Oh no, here we go…again.
"Em, Santa isn't going to come if you're not asleep, you want your presents don't you?" I asked her.
"Not tired!" She yelled at me.
"Hey love bug, I'm heading up to bed now, wanna come with me?" Bella asked,
Bella to the rescue…again.
"Ah, huh!" Emma said happily,
Bella got Emma to bed successfully. With a few laughs, a few whispers, some kisses and hugs, and three of Emma's favorite books.
I sat in the guest room waiting for Bella. I was nervous to give her the gift I got her.
She walked in quietly and slowly made her way to the center of the bed. I handed her the wrapped present and she looked at me disapprovingly. "I told you not to get me anything!"
"I know, but this is more from Emma, and you never included her." I told her as she pulled the red bow open.
I watched her flip through the pages of the photo album, at the end, a picture of everyone from Thanksgiving. Emma in Bella's arms. Me on the other side of them. I watched a tear slither down her face. She hastily wiped it away.
"It's beautiful," she said. "Thank you, I didn't get you anything," she said shaking her head.
"Stop, you being here is what I wanted." I showed her some of the pictures I put in of Emma and me. Emma named one of her babies 'Belwa" I explained showing her how Emma made me trudge the doll everywhere with us.
We began to life, and she rested her head on my shoulder. "This is the best Christmas in a long time…maybe ever." She said looking up at me. I pushed some of her hair back and kissed her forehead.
"Good," I told her.
Bella sat up straighter. "Screw friendly," she whispered. Her lips were inches from mine, they were mine for the taking. She kissed me hard, threading her fingers in my hair gripping it tightly in her fingers. I put my hands on her upper arms and pushed her away painfully.
"Friends for now. I'm not going anywhere. Don't doubt that. Let's not screw this up, do this right." I told her. "Friends first," I reminded her.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"Don't apologize, there is no need."
"Don't go…just hold me," she asked
There was no way I could deny her. "This is the best Christmas gift ever," she said as I climbed in bed with her.
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