MST3kII : Episode 6

[Mike, Joel and the bots are standing around a large crate of hamdingers, which actually countains a single occupant escape pod].

MIKE: I should be the one to use it. I've been trapped in space for 6 years now, it's Joel's turn again.

CROW: What? What about us? Me and Servo have been trapped for 11 years now! Besides, we're so small we can both fit in there!

SERVO: I'm not spending a 48 hours trip back to Earth sqeezed up against you. You'll have to take the next escape pod.

JOEL: What about me? I think it's about time I go back to my Hot Fish shop, I think I left the stove on.

TZIGANE: And me! And me!

CROW: …You're hard wired into the Satellite of Love, there is no way you could possibly leave.

TZIGANE: So what? I think the escape pod would just look AMAZING in my room. It just goes so well with the decoration.

SERVO: She has a room?

MIKE: She means the broom closet.

[The TV turns itself on. Dr. Erhardt pops into the frame].

DR. ERHARDT: Ah, I see you guys found the escape pod.

MIKE: Yeah. I bet you're a bit peeved now, huh?

DR. ERHARDT: Not at all. I was expecting this. Let's see how this next experiment will get to you now that your ties of loyalties have been severed. Today, I have for you a CAP's review of the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the ring.

JOEL: What's CAP?

DR. ERHARDT: It stands for Childcare Action Projet…

MIKE: Are we talking diapers-type situations…?

SERVO: (voice full of dread) No, Mike, that's a crazy fundie site which reviews movies and docks points arbitrarily if Jesus isn't the one to save the day.

MIKE: Oh dear God.

DR. ERHARDT: Have fun!

[The lights of the apartment flash wildly]

MIKE & JOEL: (deadbeat) We've got craptistic review sign…

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring earned a CAP score of 59,

MIKE: That's not so bad.

SERVO: Just like Mike in High School.

[Crow snickers]

numerically equivalent to PG-13 movies

JOEL: So basically, exactly what the movie is rated. Wow, you guys are just REALLY useful.

CROW: He's doing the emphasis thing too now…

SERVO: He's one of us.

in the analysis model comparative baseline database of movies.

MIKE: And don't forget the wingwang and the zipzorps!

SERVO: Huh?

MIKE: I didn't understand what he said.

But as one of the great features of the CAP analysis model,

SERVO: We'll explain to you in details why this movie is a horrible sin against God!

MIKE, JOEL and CROW: Weepee!

note the scoring distribution in the Findings/Scoring section.

CROW: Arwen is hot: Score!

I am going to take a moment to discuss the scoring distribution in some detail here for the benefit of our subscribers to the newsletter which provides text-only of this Summary/Commentary.

MIKE: Lucky, lucky them.

First, remember that deaths as the result of warfare/battle or police action are not incorporated

JOEL: So that movie about the crusade's got to be, like, G-rated.

MIKE: Aren't a lot of deaths in Lord of the Rings warfare/battle related?

into the scoring as murder but are incorporated into the Wanton Violence/Crime investigation area.

JOEL: I knew we should've waited for the complete sentence before the riff.

MIKE: So basically, it's a lose-lose situation.

CROW: So what kind of death doesn't warrant a point docking?

SERVO: Old age, I guess.

CROW: Great. Let's just wait for the orc army to die of old age. That'll be a friggin' exciting movie.

Also remember that while any single issue of aberrant behaviour

SERVO: Purely subjective, aberrant behaviour.

CROW: Did not say graces before eating, minus ninety-three points.

may fit into two or more of the six CAP investigation areas, only one is permitted. For example, a graphic killing by sorcery may be incorporated into either Wanton Violence/Crime OR Offense to God OR Murder/Suicide, but only into one. No duplication is assured.

MIKE: I'm actually a bit surprised. I thought they'd do exactly the opposite, you know, to make sure they'd dock a maximum number of points at once.

CROW: Graphic killing with magic is done by homosexual sorcerer who dies in the process of casting said magic… While taking drugs.

Now note that this PG-13 movie had no foul language and no sexual issues of any kind

CROW: But it makes up for it with the excessive violence, which is why it's fun!

SERVO: Don't get me started on the whole Frodo/Sam thing. Seriously. Don't.

MIKE: Ok, we won't.

SERVO: Well, if you insist...

which is extremely atypical of PG-13 movies. BUT, the Wanton Violence/Crime and Offense to God scores were both zero,

MIKE: So that's good… right?

indicating an extremely graphic movie in violence and extremely concentrated in unholy/evil issues.

CROW: This is so confusing! Lots of things mean a score of zero, while nothing is a score of 100. This is so unintuitive!

Therein lies a useful

MIKE: That is highly subjective.

SERVO: What is?

MIKE: That it's useful.

feature provided only by the copyrighted CAP analysis model—

JOEL: I don't think copyrighting it was necessary, it's not like anyone else would ever want to touch it with a ten-foot pole.

SERVO: Unless it was to make fun of it.

[Everyone look at each other with malice].

an assessment method not possible by any other movie rating system known on the entire planet.

CROW: And there was much rejoicing.

There is one other movie rating outfit which has mimicked the CAP model from its start, but that is all it is - a mimicry. And it does not have the CAP Thermometers.

MIKE: Is it in Celsius or Fahrenheit?

SERVO: Are they trying to be laughable?

JOEL: Our thermometers! Ours!

MIKE: Ranging from 100 degrees, heavenly goodness, to 0, soul destroying hell trip.

Nor the more than 40 mathematical equations in every report.

SERVO: I don't think adding score 1 to score 2, than the result to score 3 and so on until all the scores are combined counts.

Nor the Rock-solid investigation standards.

[MIKE, JOEL and THE BOTS simply stare, then burst out laughing].

The Tolkien trilogy in book form is more than 1000 pages.

MIKE: …Yes… and?

I guess that explains why this first of the three Rings trilogy is 170 minutes long!

MIKE: …Keep going…

Great day in the morning! Three hours!

SERVO: Would you rather they surgically alter it like the Harry Potter movies?

CROW: Ugh, those movies… it's like the circumcision of the books.

JOEL: The gastric bypass, more like.

MIKE: How about Hair transplant!

[Joel and the bots stare]

MIKE: No?

But all is not lost in boredom and bathroom.

JOEL: Although if you order that extra large iced tea, probably bathroom.

The story is relatively attention-keeping though often dream-like.

SERVO: Well, it is a fantastic movie.

[Crow hits his head and repeatedly utter "duh!"].

The scenery is breath-taking.

CROW: Porn-scenery…

The computer aided choreography made this movie a masterpiece of its own and a tribute to technology. The blending of extremes of imagination with down to earth and believable emotions is masterful.

SERVO: Well, credit where credit is due. So far so good.

The performers are obviously experienced and compatible with their parts.

JOEL: I don't know, I always thought it was a bit distracting having Agent Smith as Elrond.

Such a combination of talents and skills to create an absorbable story is indeed an influence which must be given somber and diligent thought because this is another story of witchcraft, sorcery and wizardry.

MIKE: (pompous voice) This story is entertaining! It must be evil!

SERVO: (high-pitched voice) Think of the Children! They must be protected from the evils of fun!

The opulence and immensity of this book-to-film is truly a contender for your mind, especially the impressionable mind.

CROW: (Sqeaky voice) And imagination! Don't forget to protect your kids from imagination too, wouldn't want them to start imagining things and talking to invisible… all-powerful… beings which reside in the sky…

In a middle-earth world,

ALL: THE MIDDLE-EARTH!

SERVO: It's not A middle-Earth, it's THE Middle-Earth!

CROW: I'm going to get the fire axe.

Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood)

TZIGANE (off-screen): *whistle*

meets Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKlellan) as Gandalf travels to see Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm) to find the 20th of 20 special rings: a ring that wants to be found.

JOEL: Way to make an awesome opener sound totally mundane.

SERVO: It's not "one of twenty magic rings" it's the ONE ring. The other nineteen rings are its bitches.

The 20 rings were created with special powers. One of the 20 rings, named "My Precious" by Gollum, possessed the power to give the wearer power of global proportion.

[Everybody stares]

MIKE: This is painful.

The one ring conjured in the wearer insane lust.

CROW: What? Was he watching Lord of the Rings or Whore of the Rings?

MIKE: That's a real movie.

[Everyone looks at Mike]

MIKE: Or so I heard.

Bilbo Baggins is in possession of the one ring. To save the world, the ring must be destroyed but it cannot be destroyed except by the same fires that fashioned it, the fires of Mount Doom. So that is what Frodo, Gandalf and seven additional characters ... the Fellowship of the Ring ... set out to do.

JOEL: (singing along the theme tune of Gilligan's island) There's Fro-odo!

SERVO: And then Gandalf!

CROW: And the rest of them!

This movie is likely another maneuver to capitalize on the new found infatuation of visually oriented youth

MIKE: Remember back in the old days, when youth were blind?

JOEL: We used to poke their eyes out to protect them from the evil of the world.

with bright and dazzling display of the occult, witchcraft and evil.

MIKE: It could also be, you know, to make money. So the multimillion dollar movie doesn't become a box office bomb.

It is another presentation of the "good" using evil to fight evil.

MIKE: And what exactly would good use to fight evil that would be good?

SERVO: The power of prayer.

MIKE: I can just see it. Dear Lord, protect us from the evil armies of orc that…

[Crow mimes stabbing Mike with a sword, Mike keels over].

And it presents sorcery as both "good" and evil.

JOEL: Say "good and evil" more.

Violently. Grotesquely.

ALL: AWSOMELY!

While the story being based on "good" fighting evil using evil is bad enough, it is clear the filmmakers capitalized on extremism.

MIKE: Again, multimillion dollar film.

Tolkien certainly described the evil and demonic characters in his novel quite grotesquely but not nearly as hideous and vile as those in this movie.

JOEL: Hello? It's a book! What the characters ultimately look like is up to the imagination of the reader!

After more than 500 movies I suspect I can say with credibility

[Everyone stares, then burst out laughing again.]

CROW: After 500 movie reviews, I suspect you have lost all credibility. As a human being.

that any of the imagery of evil you have seen before now does not match the evil in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

SERVO: How about the Exorcist?

CROW: Friday the 13th parts 1 through 17 billion?

MIKE: Brokeback mountain?

[Everyone stares]

MIKE: …What?

And there are two more Lord of the Rings coming.

SERVO & CROW: AWESOME!

There are inevitable comparisons being drawn between Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by the secular worldview and the Christian faith.

MIKE: Both movies are awesome!

CROW: Both movies competition with each other for biggest box-office performance?

TZIGANE: (off-screen) I once had a sex dream with the entire cast from both movies?

SERVO: …Tzigane, just take care of the life support, k? Mike and Joel are turning blue over here!

Comparisons are not being drawn between the two movies under any other "religion" I am aware of,

JOEL: So basically, just Christianity?

not the Muslim or Tao or Jewish faiths or any other faith, just the Christian faith which is under more attack than any other faith.

MIKE: Believe me, fundies of any religion could find something to bitch about in anything.

SERVO: Since our religion can bitch about more shit than yours, ours is obviously the right one!

Maybe the Christian faith is under more attack [by the adversary through the unbelievers] than any other faith because it is the "right one":

SERVO: …Wow, I was actually right.

the one faith that poses the greatest and maybe the only real threat to the adversary.

SERVO: Said adversary being "fun".

JOEL: I'm getting an urge to read "His Dark Materials".

Such a comparison follows since both movies present wizards, sorcery and evil magic and both titillate the skyrocketing popularity of mystical occult in movies in the shadow of the attack on Christianity,

[Servo puts on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses]

SERVO: (british accent) My diagnosis here is that the subject suffers from paranoid schizophrenic disorder with perhaps dillusional tendencies. I recommend putting him down.

feeding on it and nurturing it at the same time.

CROW: So it's a sixty-…

MIKE: CROW!

CROW: What?

Both movies use evil as good: "white magic" to fight dark and evil occult forces.

JOEL: You know, you could argue that Jesus' miracles are a form of white magic…

MIKE: If we're not using white magic to fight the evil forces, what are we supposed to use?

SERVO: The power of prayer?

MIKE: Isn't Gandalf a sort of emissary of God, A-K-A an angel in human form. So shouldn't his magic be ok.

SERVO: .. No, because that would make fun stuff ok! Keep up, Mike, Fun isn't ok!

Both present fine personal qualities in characters with heroic missions to defeat evil.

MIKE: So if you're a hero who uses dark magic, you're going to hell. What if you're a bastard who uses the power of prayer?

CROW: You go to Heaven. God doesn't care about stuff like murder or rape as a long as you worship him.

JOEL: …disturbing…

And both present the use of evil, namely witchcraft and sorcery, as a tool for good.

MIKE: Again, if evil as a tool of Good remains Evil, is Good as a tool for evil Good?

SERVO: I think it's like a double negation: Two negatives make a positive but two positives make a positive.

MIKE: So what you're saying is whatever we do we're screwed?

SERVO: You catch on quickly.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is targeted at the preteen

[Both Mike and Joel clear their throats].

and the early teen and thus boasts a less complicated story.

MIKE: Wait 'till you get to book seven.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is much more sophisticated and requires deeper thought to fathom its story, thus making the older teen and young adult its target audience. The Christian faith is being hit at all impressionable ages, folks. And there is more coming.

SERVO: (British accent) subject shows constant delusions about imaginary attacks from the media, and sees common occurrences as proof that reinforces his paranoia.

I am not going to try to debate the claims that Tolkien's Rings trilogy parallels shards of the Truth shattered from the Bible.

SERVO: I won't. Because I would lose. And because my only argument is "God says so".

MIKE: Must be why they kicked him off the High school debating team.

JOEL: I argue that the speed limit must be lowered in order to reduce the amount of accidents.

MIKE: No! God says we are allowed to go 120 miles per hour!

Satan is very good at making the truth into a lie

CROW: (slowly) You do not look like the guy who was constantly beaten up in High School.

through the most innocent vehicles

MIKE: Like movies about fantastic wars and small persons accomplishing great things.

and by the least obvious methods.

CROW: Yeah, death metal is so out.

Nor am I going to try to debate the involvement of C. S. Lewis in Tolkien's life who placed the Gospel on the level of a myth in 1931 after a dinner with Tolkien:

"Now the story of Christ is simply a true myth: a myth working on us the same way as the others, but with this tremendous difference that it Really happened: and one must be content to accept it in the same way, remembering that it is God's myth where the others are men's myths..."

SERVO: And you know this… how?

CROW: Because God said so.

SERVO: Isn't that circular reasoning?

CROW: Yeah. But it's alright. Because God said it was ok.

SERVO: …My God can devour humanity.

CROW: …My God can turn water into wine.

MIKE: Ok, Crow's God is more awesome.

JOEL: Wait, who's your God, Tom?

SERVO: Cthulhu.

If you wish to delve deeper into these matters let me suggest you visit the source of the above quotation.

JOEL: We're good.

The bottom line is that God clearly

MIKE: Through his 5000 + page book full of parabolas and double-meaning stories.

commands that witchcraft, sorcery and wizardry are evil.

MIKE: Except when he does it.

JOEL: Do as I say, not as I do.

He gives no situations under which these evils are not evil: no conditions under which these evils may be tolerated. There is no such thing as a "good" witch. Not even Wendy.

MIKE: The image of Wendy burning in hell is really a disturbing one.

JOEL: So let's say that witches appear and cure cancer, end all war, cleans the planet and FINALLY make sure that 7th Heaven stays cancelled, they still go to hell?

MIKE: God's a jackass.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCRIPTURAL APPLICATION(S)
If needed to focus or fortify, applicable text is underlined or bracketed [ ]. If you wish to have full context available, the Blue Letter Bible is a convenient source.

ALL: No no no no no no!

If you use the Blue Letter Bible, a new window will open. Close it to return here or use "Window" in your browser's menu bar to alternate between the CAP page and the Blue Letter Bible page.

JOEL: Flee, and never come back.

Deut. 18: 9-12 When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations.

SERVO: This is like how Voldemort talks in "My Immortal"

CROW: I find that strangely suspicious…

There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire,

JOEL: Yeah, you need to let firemen do that.

or that useth divination,

MIKE: Horoscopes are evil!

or an observer of times,

CROW: …I'll go unplug the clocks.

or an enchanter,

MIKE: Maybe, but Jessica Alba is so pretty.

or a witch,

JOEL: Melissa Joan Hart…

or a charmer,

MIKE: Holly Marie Combs…

or a consulter with familiar spirits or a wizard, or a necromancer.

SERVO: So that means I can only "Warrior" as a class on Guild Wars, huh?

For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD: and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

Rev. 21: 8 But the [unforgiven] cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts [sorcery, witchcraft, wizardry, divination, etc.], the idolaters and all liars -their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.

MIKE: Ok, I'll give him the murderers, but the rest of that is all highly subjective: Unbelieving? How about those who believe in their own way? Or believe there is nothing?

SERVO: Don't get me started, they're as bad as fundies.

CROW: And sexually immoral? Be progressive, man!

Gal. 5: 19-21 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious:

MIKE: So obvious, we needed God to tell us what they were! Before that, we had no clue!

sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness,

CROW: Nooooooooo!

orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

SERVO: But seeing as God will never, ever die, being on his will to inherit Heaven is a moot point.

*******Food for Thought*******

1 Cor. 15: 33 (KJV) Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners. (NIV) Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.

SERVO: So don't associate with anyone. They're a lost cause.

Jude 4 For certain men* whose condemnation was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord. [*men: anthropos {anth'-ro-pos}, generic, a human being, whether male or female]

SERVO: Yeah, they slipped amounst us so quietly, they're only like… 90% of the planet.

CROW: So you mean there are 10% fundies on the planet?

SERVO: I just counted the red states.

Matt. 25: 40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto [or for] one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto [or for] me.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CROW: And I liked it!

As always, it is best to refer to the Findings/Scoring section - the heart of the CAP analysis model - for the most complete assessment possible of this movie.

FINDINGS / SCORING:

NOTE: Multiple occurrences of each item described below may be likely, definitely when plural.

MIKE: Didn't he say that would not happen at the beginning?

Wanton Violence/Crime (W):

graphic injuries, including amputation and a beheading

explosive startle

monstrous "walking dead" being threats and attacks

SERVO: But they are *depicted* as evil! How is that an offense?

graphic torture by demons

theft

MIKE: Is this about the Merry and Pippin's firework thing?

attempted sword murders

JOEL: If he goes on to count "accomplished sword murders", it just seems like his milking points out of nowhere.

sword threats

attempts to murder by sorcery

animal attacks

many dead and decaying bodies, repeatedly

MIKE: Because that never happens in real life during war.

multiple exceptionally graphic attacks by unholy beings, including by thousands of creeping beings with much impalement

graphic imagery of impalement

crumbling cavern perils

JOEL: …How is that an offense?

MIKE: (pompous voice) The collapse of your cave is affront to my God. Please ask your cave to stop collapsing.

falling death

fire demon attacks

arrow threats

orders to kill

long sequence of dire urgency with explosive sound

[Everyone stares].

many graphic seething battle sequences

exceptionally brutal killing with multiple arrows, slowly

many battle deaths

SERVO: Do I have to spell it out to you? It's a war! Double-Ew, Ah, Arr!

a very graphic hand-to-hand combat sequence with a hideous demon

near death by drowning

Impudence/Hate (I)(1):

lies

SERVO: How dare the Evil Dark Lord Sauron lie to the elves, dwarves and men by telling them the magic rings he made were completely not a plan to take over Middle-Earth! He should've been honest with them!

Sex/Homosexuality (S):

none noted

SERVO: Riiiight… Because there was absolutely no Ho yay between Frodo and Sam, Merry and Pippin, Boromir and Aragorn…

MIKE: Arwen and Eowyn…

SERVO: What?

MIKE: What? Oh, nothing. Just a dream I had.

Drugs/Alcohol (D):

smoking, repeatedly

JOEL: Gandalf's pipe!

drinking, repeatedly

Offense to God (O)(2):

thousands of demonic beings of various sort, some extremely graphic

SERVO: Yeah, they were shown on screen. And stuff.

many uses and portrayals of wizardry/sorcery

many threats by unholy things

CROW: How dare the unholy beings make threats! They should teach about God instead!

multiple battles with sorcery using sorcery, some very, very graphic

JOEL: Yeah, that magic battle between Saruman and Gandalf was cool.

many attacks by evil beings, some (especially one) very, very hideous

SERVO: Does he mean the Balrog?

portrayal that being stabbed by an evil being's sword will make the victim evil

MIKE: Aren't you the one who keeps saying how associating with evil will make you evil? If anything, this is one point for your side.

many instances of demonic faces/eyes

unholy control of the elements to fight evil

claims of immortality

MIKE: Because they are…

ability to choose unholy mortality or immortality

JOEL: Elves are going to hell.

MIKE: Jesus was an elf!

many mystic voices

CROW: Foreign languages are now also evil, including, but not limited to: Elvish, Dwarvish and French.

sorcery to open mountain wall

light by sorcery

Murder/Suicide (M)(3):

impalement then drowning murder

SERVO: Oh God, his scale actually spells "WISDOM"…

CROW: He probably chose the word first and worked backward from there.

[Mike is reading a brochure from the CAP]

MIKE: According to this, the only movie we're allowed to watch is Mary Poppins and Who gets the House.

SERVO: Isn't Mary Poppins… magic?

MIKE: Apparently there's just enough subtext in the movie to imply she's an angel.

SERVO: Isn't the enough text in the Lord of the Rings movie to state The wizards are angels in old man form?

[Mike Shrugs. Crow enters with a large stack of DVDs].

JOEL: What's up Crow?

CROW: I went next door and borrowed all these DVDs from Donna. They're all rated "0" on the CAP's website, so we're bound to have a great time!

JOEL: That's right! Donna's still next door. I forgot all about her… Mike, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

MIKE: That we use her credit cards to order pay per view porn?

JOEL: No, that we give her the escape pod!

MIKE: *groan* Ah, fine. Besides, if she's gone, we at least won't have to return her DVDs.

[Battery low].