Isabel.
Shit. Shit shit shit.
I didn't even realise that my period was late until today, when I suddenly thought about it. I'm usually very on top of my body – being a healer, it comes quite naturally to me. Arkarian is out, so I can at least panic on my own right now, but he is due back any time now.
Shit, shit, shit.
Working it out, I could be a few weeks gone. I'm not sure. I slow my breathing, trying to stem the feeling of nausea that is rolling through my stomach. I place my hands there and calm it down, trying to quell the uneasiness. I then pause and, with shaking hands, moving my hands a fraction lower. I close my eyes and visualise beneath my skin, the structures, and eventually find what I'm looking for. The proof. A little foetus. My baby. Our baby. About 3 weeks old.
I hear the door close downstairs and quickly scramble to my feet,wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I hear him shout my name and reply quickly, "I'm upstairs!" I exit the en-suite bathroom and sit down on the bed, unsure what to do next. I guard my thoughts carefully as Arkarian enters the room, smiling brightly at me. I feel like my smile in response is feeble at best, and I hope I don't look like I've been crying. He kisses me quickly before moving to the bathroom and turning the shower on. He leaves the door open though, so we can talk.
"Arkarian?" I try and work up some courage. Maybe not tell him straight away.
"Yes?" He speaks loudly back through the noise of the shower.
"Have you ever thought about having a family?" The noise of the shower stops and he comes out, wrapping a towel round his waist. He obviously feels like this is a conversation we should have properly.
"What do you mean?" He says, sitting beside me.
"Just... have you thought about it? Starting a family?" I tilt my head slightly, trying to gauge his reaction.
"Well... yes, I guess. Isn't it a bit early to be having this discussion, though? Plus there's still some trouble out there, what with Keziah still being around, and some of Lathenia's followers.. it's probably not an ideal time to start thinking about it. Besides," He kisses the tip of my nose, softly, "We have a long time to think about that." I just nod in response, not really meeting his eyes. He pauses a moment, obviously wondering if there is something else I want to say, but I stay quiet. He goes back into the bathroom and continues his shower.
I feel like my stomach has dropped straight out of me, and my eyes are threatening to burst with tears. I swallow heavily. I know he didn't say no, but.. not really the response I was looking for. I stay quiet for the rest of his shower, and when he comes back into the bedroom he asks something about a shirt and I just snap at him and stalk out, leaving him looking totally bewildered. I feel immediately guilty, but my head is all over the place and I can't bring myself to apologise.
I go down to the seating room but am unable to settle. I keep putting my hands on my belly and feeling that little foetus, like I don't trust that it's real. I find myself doing it for comfort rather than to persuade myself that it's still there. When Arkarian comes downstairs I apologise, but struggle to hold a conversation, so I busy myself with making dinner instead.
"Are you ok, Isabel?" He's looking at me weirdly, but I just don't know what to say, so I say I'm fine, that I'm just tired and might head to bed early. I stuff my food down and then make my excuses retiring upstairs to the bedroom. I'm worried for a while that he might follow and question my behaviour, but he doesn't, and for that I am glad. I just want to be alone for a little while to think about this.
I curl up on the bed and am soon asleep, dreaming about a beautiful family.
Arkarian.
Isabel's questioning about having a family this evening really threw me. We've discussed the future before – at length – and we always both agreed that it was something we would talk about when we felt that the earth was safe enough to bring a child into. Which right now, it isn't.
She's acted bizarre all evening after our conversation, and I wonder if she wanted to discuss it at more length than I allowed. I did just jump back in the shower and not really give her a chance to speak. Maybe she was going to say 'I want to have a baby now!' and my answer just upset her. Snapping at me was very out of character, even if she did apologise, and she's been quiet. When she retires to the bedroom I decide that maybe she just needs a little space. I sit in my own thoughts for while before joining her upstairs, where she has settled into a sound sleep on top of the covers. I carefully pull the quilt from under her and tuck her in before changing and sliding in next to her.
Even is her sleep, she draws herself to me and cuddles up. I wrap my arms around her, whisper "I love you," and kiss her forehead before joining her in a deep sleep.
