Dear Jess,

I still feel bad. I do. I can't help it. It's funny, now that I think about it that was the third time a guy's told me they loved me, and I wasn't able to say it back. The second time with you. The first time was with Dean, if you were curious. It was way before you popped up in Stars Hollow. We broke up over it to. I ended up telling him I loved him a month or two later.

With Logan, I told him I loved him before he said he loved me. In fact, now that I think over his response, he didn't really tell me he loved me back. He did other times. He told me he loved me other times after that, but not then. He said something like, "I've told a lot of girls I loved them, but didn't mean it. I don't want you to be one of them. Damn, that sounded a lot more romantic in my head." I wanted to say it first that time. I really did. I wanted to have the control, not to be caught off guard again.

I still wish I could tell you I loved you. But that would be wrong. That would be so wrong, when I know it's not true. And it hurts me and I know it hurts you. I don't want you to be stuck. I want you to be happy, even when it's not with me.

I could not. Hence I grieve my whole life long

The wrong I did, in that I did no wrong.

I don't love you. I love you as a friend. I love you as a person. But I don't love you love you. Although I'll admit that over the several weeks of sending these letters, I've never felt closer to you before. Even when we dated for months. You were never this open before. But it would never work, not with me on a bus and you in Philly. Maybe that was Logan's problem to. It wouldn't work with me in a bus and him in California.

For as much as I say I feel this way or feel that way, sometimes I think I don't base my love on feelings at all, or at least not to a large extent. I want to keep from getting hurt, but that hinders me from taking chances. I get so into the details of what may or may not happen. I analysis and reanalysis. I couldn't say "I love you too" to Dean way back then because I was afraid of what it might mean. My parents said the loved each other but everything had fallen apart for them. Then with you, even though I really liked you, I continued in my relationship with Dean, I led him on, because it was safe. It was secure. I was used to it and I was not ready to risk loosing it. I did that and I hurt all three of us.

Sometimes my feelings of anger or lust or whatever cause me to react in snapshot decisions. Like when I slept with Dean when he was married. Well, crap, you didn't know that, did you? Or when I ran away from you at the Firelight Festival instead of acting mature. Or when I said "no" just to make you hurt. I mean, realistically, I don't think I would have ran away with you, but I might not have been so brusque. I might have talked it out with you. Maybe I even would have been crazy enough to run away just for a few days. I don't know. But sometimes I let logic control my love life more than my emotions. More than love or affection or whether or not I really care for someone.

I guess that was what Butler meant when he wrote:

That though I loved her in a certain sort

Yet did I love too wisely but not well

All my logic and reasoning has leapt me from loving to the fullest, from opening myself up completely, from taking chances in the name of love. Don't get me wrong, I think reasoning comes into part of it. Love just isn't always enough. But still, it should still count for a lot. I reason too much. You can't make a pro/con list about someone you love. Gosh, I must sound like an idiot. I'm not sure if I'm going to send this, but if you get it, then I did.

-Rory

Aki- A question, has anyone noticed the recurring line at the end of all the letters?