The Perils of Time Travel – Part 7

Okay, things start getting a little heated, someone's either going to get killed or seduced, hopefully not in that order.

WARNING: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story.


To get on with it, and forget the unnecessary stuff, Alexander stopped his runaway stallion in its big black tracks with a whistle. As the horse froze, the irate, young Macedonian King, who was now in full true blooded: "ah, uh oh, I think we should run now, 'cause he's royally pissed mode," grabbed Xena by the arm and yanked her roughly. Did I say roughly? Maybe I should say he manhandled her by the wrist and hair, which I'm sure has now put her in an ugly humor as his, or close to, and pulled her from the horse and flung her to the ground which she hit so hard I could see a small swirl of brown dust float above their faces in the air.

There was an almost angelic dimension to the moment, the way the dust swirled around both of them and the sunlight mixed in with it, illumining their faces. For a moment I could see glorious St. George of old slaying the wicked dragon and the beautiful maiden cowering in tearful fear at his feet. Unfortunately, St. George wouldn't be living or at least his legend wouldn't be sung of for close to a thousand years and the brave knight was really pissed and about ready to bring his sword down on the head of the maiden. Clearly, Alexander wasn't interested in changing his ways for the future of chivalric Christianity. No, he's 100 percent Macedonian or right now, something a little more like Homeric; yeah, raging, kill and destroy Troy, Akhilles kill Hektor Homeric, and anyone else who gets in the way Homeric. Ok, so he is a bit of a diva, too – but damn, the man loves his horse, you can really see that! He'd clearly kill for it. Ah, I wonder if Hephaistion is watching this and taking notes.

I held my breath, having an idea that disturbing Alexander right at this very moment, when that very sharp sword is in his hot, large, angry hand might make things worse. Jordan yelled something that sounded incomprehensible once, and was stopped as Hephaistion stifled her with a hand over her mouth, for which I was willing to bet she would have bit him, but she didn't. No, knowing her she's probably licking it right about now.

Ptolemy growled, Hephaistion made a small sound that sounded like a smirk and Cassandra, thank the gods that someone has their wits about them, as well as a nice sharp sword, that she'd clearly nicked from the amorous Ptolemy 'cause he wasn't paying much attention to anything but her, ran up to Alexander and with a quick slash across the flat blade of his kopis put an end to his intention to end it here and now for Xena.

"Shit!" I heard Jordan swear and then the same word came bounding out of Hephaistion perfect mouth; perhaps she'd been teaching him some new swear words. They could both clearly see we now have a situation on our hands. Hephaistion, quick as something I've never really seen before, can a human being really move that fast, was upon Alexander and Xena, before anything could happen. He pushed Alexander away and pulled Xena up, and yes, again, she was being manhandled, and to be honest I think Hephaistion was actually rougher as he pulled her along by one arm, which was clearly about to come out of its socket. I could tell this by the way she was yelling and trying to hit him. I'd had enough of Macedonian manners and ran up and pushed him from the back, hard, real hard, I mean really, really hard, and he fell down on his knees. At least it did the trick, Xena fell on her face in the dirt, poor thing her hair really is a mess.

On hearing his "cub" wallowing and yelling in the dirt, Alexander turned and growled very loudly, I actually thought that there was a lion in the vicinity, Jordan ran over and stood in front of me, Hephaistion looked up – from where he was kneeling in the dust, and glared like - well, if his face hadn't suddenly become like the Gorgon's, cold, and fully of stony, vicious intent I wouldn't have known that maybe we were all in some serious trouble.

I could tell it was time for a face off, or face down, or something that probably belonged more in the old west than ancient Macedon or Ancient Illyria, or Cilicia. Hey, where the hell are we anyway? We never did manage to ask. Oh, yeah, there's no Roxanne yet, that's a clue, gotta remember that, yeah right, no Roxanne. Is that a good thing?

Well, anyway back to the showdown. It's been coming the way you can tell when the air is suddenly too quiet and soft and then wham, a tornado strikes! Alexander was a walking tornado, right now he was quiet, but he was gathering up the storm cloud inside, it was beginning to show on his handsome face and air was static with some pretty heavy duty emotion and the silken slide of well honed swords as they were pulled from their sheaths.

"Ok, Jordan what do we do now? I think we're going be javelin practice for the new recruits. Do you think they'd crucify women? Wasn't Alexander …" Speaking of Alexander he was about a foot from me, and began blasting me with a torrent of words, they were like a stormy sea about to drown me. I felt my little ship about to sink down beneath the scourge of anger this man was pouring forth upon me. Then I looked up, because at that point I was nearly on the ground and saw it, still there, ignored. Thank the gods, the man really wasn't into modern weapons and I made a grab for it. He's got fast reflexes; I'll say that for him. He hit my hand I bit his. He clearly did not like that and grabbed me by the hair. Damn! I am so sick of this hair pulling stuff! First Horseshit Man, then they pulled Xena by the hair and now me again, what is it with these men? Is it because theirs is all cut off short? What? Do they want their long wavy curls back? Well, don't take it out on us!

Then he grinned that astonishing grin I'd seen before and leapt on me before I could move. Oh, hell, I really hate this guy! Anikitos or no, so gorgeous that the flowers wilt when he passes by or no, darling of the gods or no, when he pushed my face for the third time into the dirt I decided I'd had enough. I'm going to curse him and he won't like that. So, as I was struggling to get his muscular, hunky body off me. Really, I don't want anything to do with him in the slightest, Hephaistion he's all yours. You and Jordan can fight over him.

I prefer a man who at least makes some semblance of being pleasant to a lady. Say what you like about that bastard Philotas, but he had been very attentive, bringing me flowers, good wine, food, and seeing that my quarters were suitable for a lady of my rank. He even gave me a gorgeous white fox lined cape, with a small fur purse to match, my mouth watered at the sight of the fur purse let me tell you, it was set into a real gold frame, ohhh, it was to die for! However, hard as it was I returned them by way of the adorable, black haired servant, who wore only his little yellow boarded cloak; when it was intimated that Philotas would like, well, never mind you don't need to know what he'd have liked. It's no one's business but mine. Yes, I could see one would have to watch Philotas, carefully, very carefully.

Anyway, as I squirmed on the ground under Alexander, again, I finally managed to get my hand into the little sack was wiggling in my pocket. I breathed a sigh of relief, praised and thanked Horus for his protection and carefully, as I could with this lion-man pawing me brought forth my little friend. It skittered just a bit down my unmoving arm as it advanced merrily toward the classic beauty of Alexander' face. They were almost eye to eye. Needless to say Alexander froze, and I was able to catch my breath and began to chant in Egyptian, a tongue he recognized and I could see it was having some effect on him, a very positive one, at least for us. He looked positively white.

I raised my hands to the sky and cried out,

"Blessed is Nut for she gives birth to the day which gives birth to the swamps

And the effluence by which all beings come forth.

Blessed is Set for he dismembered Osiris and caused Isis to seek out

Her most beloved and make him whole again, thus giving way to Anubis

And Herat, who weighs our hearts with the lightness of her being,

Woe to those who suffer her disappointment.

Blessed is Set for he battled for many days and nights to kill Horus but RA,

all seeing RA,

Took pity on his sons and set Horus above them into the sky.

The Eye of Horus sees all.

Blessed is Horus who rules and his cry is mighty and let me tell you Macedonian boy, you're in big trouble now!"

"Yes, that's it, Alex baby back up nice and slow, there you go an inch at a time on your knees. Oh, look, what a shame, the mess you've made of your nice shiny greaves. I'll bet some poor page will be up all night polishing them for you and maybe polishing something else too. Rumor has it you've got a long sword. But, I guess Hephaistion would be the one to ask about that, he'd know best, wouldn't he? Oh, don't forget the little scorpion here on my hand. She's just waiting. She's twitchy, you know. Oh, come now, Alexander you know how nervous scorpions can be, don't you?"

Clearly Alexander can't understand a word I'm saying but Xena, Jordan, and Cassandra can and are close to erupting into loud cascades of cackles. At the mention of Alexander's "ummm" sword we all burst out laughing. Jordan and Cassandra muttered something, clearly in enough Greek that Hephaistion got an earful and turned beet red. His big eyes got bigger and he glanced over at Alexander who was still on his knees backing away ever so slowly. For a second their eyes met and they both just turned so pink I could have used the excess color to paint a rose. You know, if I didn't know better I'd say these boys are shy around the fairer sex or definitely not used to the fairer sex or at least our version of the fairer sex. No, we aren't nice little Greek or Macedonian maidens who are pleased to be locked up in the women's quarters while the men have all the fun. Hmm, maybe we can talk them into letting join them at a symposium.

Clearly Alexander couldn't understand our polyglot of English, but the tone and laugher seemed to be getting through. He narrowed his eyes at me, made a gesture toward the scorpion and rose majestically; I really must say this guy really does know how to play the scene for all its worth and held out a hand. I thought for half a second and then took it. He was as sweet as pie – ummm, this made me nervous. I think that stunning smile must be a warning sign. It's just too adorable and childlike; no one is that forgiving that quickly. He must be planning some horrible fate for us. He gestured for Cassandra, Ptolemy and Hephaistion who had bound Xena's hands behind her and was dragging her along. Jordan was rather uselessly but willfully trying to keep Hephaistion from inflicting too much torment on Xena. Alexander had turned on his heel and headed for his tent. So looks like we're gonna have some kind of powwow. Ok, at least Cassandra can speak for us. And that fact that Ptolemy really likes her doesn't hurt. I need to have a word with her, fast.

We are all invited into the tent, I'd like to tell you what I saw, but Alexander immediately put a stop to my wandering by slamming his fist down on the table top and tossed his dagger so that it landed point down right before Xena. She didn't scream, I'll give her that, but she turned snow white, and back away.

"I think we've got a problem, Lexy," Cassandra hissed in my ear. "He's really, really angry, the rule in camp is no one rides Boukephalas but Alexander or Hephaistion. Anyone else who tries is convicted of a crime against the king and executed."

I frowned thinking fast, and glanced at Xena, who thankfully hadn't heard what Cassandra had said. I turned on my brightest, sweetest smile and wondered who among the four of us, well, no leave Xena out she's not really in the best position to do anything right now, would be right to seduce Alexander? Clearly, some heavy ammunition was called for here. I turned to Jordan, she's fiery, he really seemed to like her, but I didn't sense anything physical there. It was so clear who she wanted to seduce. That was another worry. What do we do when Alexander realizes she's trying to make fast time with his pretty boy? Oh, great!

The truth is we need a guy, a really hot – was Bagoas around somewhere? Come to think of it I haven't seen the slightest sign of the little Persian wild cat. Damn! Cassandra was good with a sword and spoke Greek that was a good sign they could talk afterward that's always useful. I'd also noticed he'd been playing with her long, dark curling tresses when he'd wandered over to talk with Ptolemy and they had clearly been bantering back and forth. I began studying Cassandra more. Yes, maybe, it just might work. Then, we have to keep Hephaistion busy. I smiled easily; Jordan could do that, no problem. How hard would that be seducing Alexander's beautiful lover…how hard indeed?

In the meantime I would work on a way to free Xena, while various parties were being preoccupied, and somehow spirit her out of camp. Either that or she could damn well turn on a little Transylvanian charm and give Alexander and well, maybe even Hephaistion a piece of her mind for their treatment of her. Which way would this go?

Didn't the ancient Greeks believe in vampires? They didn't call them that, of course. I wondered could Xena suddenly grow the long fangs that vampires are famed for? Or is that whole vampire thing a myth? I learned across the table and whispered, "Smile, Xena, a nice big toothy, Transylvanian smile." She clearly caught on and grinned at me suddenly. I could see something was going on behind her eyes.

I turned to Alexander who turned to me we both smiled at one another. I don't either of us trusted the other one bit. Oh, damn, the little bugger he's got the gun.

To be continued…