Hey everyone! I adore some of these reviews! Keep em coming! PLEASEEEEE! I actually finished this last night but I had to go through and do a read thru before posting it. Let me know what you think!
Ineheram – you'll be waiting a bit longer… unless Paige goes all spastic and kisses Emily…which I guess we'll both find out of that happens… Can you feel the tension in Paige? She's so conflicted.
Del – I'm glad you like it. I don't think Paige meant to be a bitch in the show… she just had everything bundled up inside of her… I hope you enjoy!
OMG – I'm glad! I tried to get it up JUST FOR YOU! Sorry this one didn't get up yesterday. Yesterday was a bit hectic. But this one is a bit longer than my usual. I hope you enjoy!
Shawster – well…I guess we'll just have to wait and see!
Thatgirlkatie – I'm glad you adore this! That makes me so happy. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well.
Rainsmistress - I hope you like this chapter! And I will reply to your email shortly! I've been trying to get this all finished!
Artisall – well I don't know if Paige will 'play' per say… but tell me what you think about their confrontation…do you think it'll happen?
OKAY! So…HERE IS MY HOMEWORK FOR ALL OF YOU! As you read this – I want you to think…and when you read the ending, I want you to tell me what YOU THINK will happen… I want your opinions and your ideas. Now I know I have like 300+ readers a day… I want to see 300 reviews and ideas! Give me your predictions…
LOVE YOU ALL
And if you haven't…check out BURN MY SKIN! I should be writing another chapter today or tomorrow. =)
Silence.
Deafening silence.
The only sound I could hear was the sound of water as I cut through lane number four. The chemicals of the water seeped into my mouth as my head came up from breath. The taste was bitter yet sweet. For some reason I adored the flavor and burn of chlorine. It was my salvation. My focus narrowed solely on the movement of my arms and legs as I glided through the water. I hit the 50 meter wall and flipped with ease – pushing myself with great force in the direction from which I came. The burn in my muscles fueled me to push harder. I had made anchor this week for the breast stroke and I didn't want to disappoint my couch or my team.
We had won the past 2 swim meets and this meet was against our greatest rival. Both teams were considered to be the best in the region. Emily anchored in the freestyle and I was chosen to anchor for breast stroke. Emily and I had spent every moment possible in the water timing each other when I was studying and she wasn't with Maya. It was now mid-September and Maya was leaving at the beginning of October. It seemed like Emily spent more time with me in the pool or working on projects than she did with Maya and as much as it concerned me, I couldn't help but be internally happy about it – Maya did not deserve Emily.
Maya had become distant from her since coming back to Rosewood the Monday after her weekend away. Their interactions during school had dwindled slightly and I could tell how badly it was hurting my friend. About a week ago, I was running late for school and as I was jogging towards the building for first period, I noticed Emily kissing Maya – but Maya wasn't kissing back. I wondered if that was just her 'M-O'…becoming distant when things got rough. Regardless, Emily was hurting and even thought she pretended to be okay, I could tell she definitely was not. Her friends didn't seem to make it easier either. They were always pressing for information – asking the typical journalistic questions… who, what when where and why. Although Emily and I always had lunch with the three girls, I could tell she was distancing herself from them as well. I had figured she would start to distance herself from me but it had been the exact opposite. I began receiving more texts of 'are you hungry?', 'wanna swim?', and others asking me various questions always relating to us getting together for some type of activity.
I honestly had no idea why she sought comfort in me. It was becoming harder and harder to deny my feelings for her. We had talked more about issues with her mom and her coming out to her friends… I wasn't sure what I was searching for - maybe the internal knowledge that if I ever chose – which I never would – to allow myself to be who I thought I truly was, that it would all work out in the end. Even though I continued to remind myself that I was straight – and even if I wasn't, I couldn't allow myself to act upon any feelings I may or may not have had.
The wall was barely a foot in front of me. I exerted all of my energy and strength into one last stroke as my palm touch the warm tile. The crowds in the bleachers were roaring. I tore off my cap and goggles in one swift motion before looking at the times. We had won by more than a second. I gripped the concrete and fluidly lifted myself out of the water and stood on the concrete only to be engulfed in a huge hug from Emily.
"Paige! You did it!" she yelled excitedly.
It was well known that the one part of the meet that the Wildcats beat the Sharks in every single time was the breast stroke. We always had them beat on freestyle but because of me, we now also had them beat on the one thing that held us back. As Emily and I hugged while jumping up and down, the rest of the team swarmed around me in cheers.
"Well done McCullers!" I heard behind me as I was getting changed in the locker room.
"Thanks Coach!" I beamed, turning around to meet her face to face.
"You and Fields have been really cutting down your times. If you keep it up, there's no doubt that you'll both have scouts after you come the end of the season."
Emily looked over at me wide-eyed.
"That's amazing coach!" she said grinning from ear to ear.
"Keep up the good work girls!" The coach finished as she walked away to talk to a few of our other teammates.
"Did you hear that?" Emily asked animatedly, already knowing the answer.
"Come on, Peppy… let's go!" I laughed as I shook my head at her enthusiasm.
These walls are so boring. I thought as I was sprawled out on my full size bed atop the covers.
After the meet, Emily and I had gone to our favorite pizza joint for a celebratory dinner and then we eat went home… well I went home. Maya had texted her and she wanted to go spend some time alone with her.
Barf
I hadn't done anything to my walls. I had one poster up and that was about it. I looked towards the wall with the window – all of my boxes were still nearly piled against the corner. I couldn't believe I had been here for over a month and I still had barely unpacked. Any time I needed anything I'd simply rummage through the boxes until I found what I needed. I had two empty bookshelves, four empty shelves screwed to the wall about three quarters of the way to the ceiling and my empty desk opposite of my bed. Even my chest's surface was bare aside from the TV and DVD player that rested comfortably on it.
I rolled off the bed and onto my feet.
No time like the present.
I grabbed a box and placed it on my bed. As I went through the items, I made a point to find a place for everything – be it in a box for "safe-keeping" or an actual place. I found all of my posters and other memorabilia that I enjoyed having on my wall. After finding the sticky tact I moved around the room to place up the various posters of famous swimmers, bands and one funny picture of a disgruntled looking dog with wide eyes. I never knew why that poster amused me so, but I'd had it since I was 12. I wasn't about to part with it.
A couple hours later I grabbed the last small box. As I went through it, I found my old journal. It wasn't really as much of as journal as it was a "bitch book". I would write down how I was feeling if I wanted to bitch about something. I opened the black and white composition book and an old folded piece of notebook paper fell onto my lap. My heart stopped as I hesitantly picked up the paper and opened the fold.
Paige,
This is hard for me to say because I'm afraid I'm going to lose your friendship forever. I know how strict your parents are and I know that you aren't being true to yourself. I can see how you look at me because it's the same way I look at you. I think I am in love with you, Paige. You can't keep ignoring the chemistry between us. Anytime we are together, something always sparks and you know it. You are breaking my heart.
The other night when I leaned in to kiss you, I could feel that you wanted to. Why did you back away? If you are afraid of your parents, I can help you deal with them. We'll figure out something. I don't want to go another day without being in your arms. If you need to hide, we can hide for a time but I want you to know that I'm always here for you.
Yours,
Kat
Breath escaped my lungs and I couldn't force myself to inhale. Tears flowed from my eyes and dampened the previously tear-stained paper again. I had nearly forgotten. Nearly. Truth was I did love Kat – probably more than I had realized at the time. She was my best friend. I reached into the box and found the necklace that she had given me two weeks before … before… I held the necklace in my hands gingerly. The sterling silver linked chain held a small pendant – the symbol for water. I clutched the pendant in my hand as my sobs grew. My entire body shook from exertion as my body went limp and fell sideways onto the mattress. My face found comfort in the soft pillows as my body curled into itself.
I wish I could just call her and explain to her how much I did love and care for her. She, Amanda and I used to be such good friends. Kat and I had a special bond compared to Amanda and I. Emily reminded me of Kat. Kat was easy to talk to and full of life. She wasn't a swimmer…hell I didn't think she would run if a pack of wild dogs were chasing her. Kat loved art though. She would paint for hours and I would just sit and watch her. My gut wrenched with despair. I couldn't call her even if I wanted to.
My mind flashed back to the wreck. She and I were driving home from a concert that I snuck out to see. We were talking and having a good time. The music was up but she was still keeping her main focus on the road. Kat had a race-car driver for an uncle and he taught her how to focus on driving even if there were a hundred distractions. We were at a stop light and as it turned green, some drunk guy in the cross -lane wasn't paying attention. He t-boned her side and her car rolled down a small embankment. By the time I came to, I realized that we were both trapped but paramedics and the fire squads were working on getting us both out of the tiny vehicle. I had closed my eyes for just a second and when I opened them I had no idea where I was. Everything was so foggy. I kept asking about Kat but the truth was, I was in a hospital room very much alive and Kat was dead.
As my mind replayed the horrid memory, I fastened the necklace around my neck slowly and held onto the pendant. Tears flowed down my puffy cheeks and my breath was ragged from crying. I needed to get out. I scooted off the bed and put on my running shoes slowly – making sure the laces were tied. I walked over to my desk and grabbed my phone with a set of ear buds before I raced down the stairs and out the front door. I barely heard my parents asking me where I was going and I didn't even have the ability to answer. I didn't really care if I would get in trouble, I just needed out.
I didn't even know how long or how far I had ran… all I knew is that my legs were burning. I had to have been out for a while, because the sun was falling fast in the horizon. I hadn't stopped crying since I left the house.
It should have been me! I screamed to myself.
The exertion of my run and crying jag fully exhausted me. I was miles from home but I didn't even know which direction to start walking to get home. I found a bench and sat down – my body hunched over, my elbows resting on my knees and my face buried in my hands. My eyes were red and dry… I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't know what to do. Kat had been right – I had had feelings for her…or something resembling feelings. This past month with Emily had reminded me of the things I buried so deep within myself but I could release. I could never let anyone know that I had 'improper feelings' sometimes.
The sky darkened considerably. I could tell it was going to rain because the humidity rose and the fog over the hills surfaced. I made my way back – retracing the steps I thought I had taken. I wasn't in a rush home…I barely walked at a normal pace. I felt my phone vibrate in my hand.
What's wrong?
I looked at my phone curiously. How did Emily know something was wrong? I didn't know what to text back so I just put my phone back in my pocket and kept walking. I'd tell her I lost it or something…or just that I didn't want to talk.
Paige, what is wrong? I can see you. You're talking slower than a snail covered in molasses.
I smiled. How did she always do that? How did she always make me smile?
Nothing. I'm okay.
You're a GREAT liar, McCullers.
Sorry. It's too much to text. Can we talk later?
I told you I could see you. Do you want a ride home?
Where are you?
Behind you… don't look… LOL
. very funny Fields. Seriously where are you?
"You need a ride there hot shot?"
I whipped my head around to see where the familiar voice came from. Emily's Toyota Corolla stopped just as the door as within my grasp.
"Get in," she directed.
I put my hands on the car door. "Em, I think I'm just going to walk home."
"Get in, McCullers…" she pressed.
"Seriously, I just need to be alone right now," I replied putting my head down. I had been alone for hours and it hadn't helped.
"Paige," she said softly. "Get in the car."
I relented. I opened up the passenger's door and sank into the bucket seat.
We drove for a few miles - I was assuming back to Rosewood but when I noticed more and more trees I thought she may have made a wrong turn.
"Did you get lost?" I asked curiously.
"Just sit tight. We're almost there."
"Now it's my turn to ask… are you kidnapping me?"
"Yes. Yes I am." She smiled and for the first time that night I felt my mouth turn upwards at its corners.
How did being in the same room as Emily always have this positive effect on me? It was like I couldn't be sad or angry or upset if she was within 20 feet of me. I knew she was going to ask about what was wrong and I didn't know what to say as to not hurt her feelings, but I couldn't tell her about Kat… could i? If anyone would understand it would be Emily. No. No I couldn't tell Emily about Kat because I didn't even know what the hell 'Kat' was.
The car pulled up on a dirt road and stopped just shy of a gate.
"Come on," she said getting out of the vehicle.
I followed her past the gate and up a small hill. At the top of the hill, my breath was taken from me. It was nearly the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. This secret spot that Emily had brought me to was a clearing on top of one of the largest hills just outside of Rosewood and it overlooked so many miles that I could even see the entire town and more. I felt, for the first time, bigger than all of the problems that I could perceptually cover with my thumb.
"Amazing, huh?"
"It's like everything that is wrong and heart wrenching….its beneath me. I'm above it."
"It puts a lot of things into perspective."
"Yea," I nodded still awe-struck by the view. "How did you find this place?"
"My dad. We used to come up here a lot right before he'd get shipped off."
"I bet you bring Maya up here all the time. It's absolutely beautiful." I didn't have any tension or distain in my voice. It wasn't a snide remark or a sarcastic comment.
"Actually…I've never brought Maya up here before," she answered evenly as she gazed out over the hills.
Huh…
"Paige, what is going on with you?"
I turned to face her. "How do you know something is wrong?" I quizzed.
"You're eyes are still blood shot, your cheeks are tear stained and when I went to go see you at your house, you parents told me that you had just run off. They said you looked really upset but you were running so they figured you were just getting in a good workout after a stressful swim meet," she replied rolling her eyes at the last part.
"Oh… ummm. I don't even know where to begin," I started.
She nodded her head. "The beginning is usually the best part…"
"It's just… I had a really good friend that died about six months ago and I found a note from her and some of the things she had given me in a box today when I decided to unpack the mad amount of boxes in the corner."
That's it Paige. You didn't lie, but you kept it even. You can handle this
I subconsciously started playing with the pendant lying in the center of my chest.
"May I?" she asked.
I froze and allowed the water sign pendant to be transferred to her nimble fingers. She was so close it was gut-wrenching. Her face was just barely an inch away from me and the back of her hand rested on my bare skin. She studied the pendant with her fingers before gingerly laying it back in its place. She took a step back and my body silently thanked her for the increase in distance.
"Wait…why were you looking for me? I thought you were with Maya tonight?"
"The million dollar question," she breathed.
Her gaze trailed along the darkened skyline. It had to have been nearly 10pm by now if not later. I could tell by her change in breathing that something was up.
If Maya hurt her… calm yourself Paige. You don't even know what happened, not to mention, Emily is not yours to protect. It doesn't matter. If she hurt her…
My thoughts were interrupted by Emily's shakey voice.
"We got in a fight tonight. A large one, actually. I called her a couple of times but she won't pick up. I think…I think she is going to break up with me when she moves."
I took a deep breath before answering. "Why do you think that?"
"Because she wants me to come with her but…I can't. Honestly, she wants to run away and I can't run away with her. She said I may be…." She took a deep breath.
"What Em?" I was so worried about her. I could tell this was eating her.
"She said….that I would probably be better off without her."
Tears began to flow from her cheeks and breath became a struggle for her. My heart broke at the sight of this amazing girl crying in the moonlight. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and gently led her to sit on the ground – still comforted by my embrace. Her closeness sent bats flying in my stomach but it wasn't about what she did to me. It wasn't about wasn't about my inner struggle. It wasn't about how much I hated myself because I was a coward. It was about my friend…someone I held very close to me…someone I cared for… was breaking. She clutched onto my arms and pressed her head into my shoulder.
We sat there for minutes…hours…hell it could have been days and I wouldn't have noticed the sun rising or setting. My stomach turned as she continued to sob. I could feel anger and hatred build in my pit. This girl should not be crying…especially over someone who didn't appreciate her. My arms tensed around her - holding her closer to me. I had the sudden urge to protect her…to shield her. She did not deserve this. She didn't deserve to cry. I could tell how much she loved and adored Maya but Maya's fits of distancing herself…it made her unworthy of Emily's devotion and I wasn't going to let it slide. I was tired of seeing the crushed look on her face. Even if I could never be with Emily, I was going to make damn sure Maya understood just how badly she had hurt her.
