Chapter 7- Regarding Tomorrow
Little Ella Kennedy hung fearfully onto her Uncle Ashley's hand in the doorway of her mother's darkened bedroom. The tears ran uncontrollably down her chubby cheeks as Beau screamed and hollered from the hallway that Aunt Scarlett and the baby were going to Heaven with his Mama to be angels and that he was glad.
"I'm glad I broke his nose!" Ella sniffed. "How could he say that, Uncle Ashley? I wish I'd done worse."
"He was frightened, Ella, and he only said those things because he had to say goodbye to his mother not but two years ago."
"Well, even so!" the eight-year-old drew herself up proudly. "He shouldn't have said such things about Mother and the baby. Mother's not going to go to Heaven! Not today, anyway!"
"You're right, Ella. You're right. But that does not excuse your actions. You must apologize to Beau and you must mean it. Ella, dear, listen closely to me. There are five things in life that cannot be recovered: A stone, after it's thrown. A word, after it is said. An occasion, after it's missed. The time, after it's gone. And a person, after they die…"
Scarlett stood in the downstairs study of Beau's townhouse on the Battery, her gaze fixed upon on the eerie stillness of the harbor. She was absolutely numb and utterly still herself. And Ashley-the light accented the hollowness of his cheeks as he sat in the rocking chair adjacent to the fireplace. The chair's creaking seemed to keep perfect rhythm with Scarlett's own muffled sobs. Beau was gone, presumably to drink away the horrible day they had all endured. Scarlett wanted desperately to drink as well, but she had to remain there, standing fast and resolute, if only for Ashley.
But whatever had she expected would come out of it? Doctor Meade had given no hope, no chance of recovery. By moving to sunny Florida, they were only delaying the inevitable. But they had delayed it! Damn you, Beau, Scarlett cursed inwardly, if only you hadn't been so hopeful, so confident in your science and your medicine! We would never have come all this way if you hadn't been sure that this doctor would be able to cure him.
The doctor had been thorough in his examination, which had lasted over three hours. And Ashley had put up with it, even feeling as tired as he was, thinking that it would all be worth it to live. He'd put on a good face for Melly, and had been his usual carefree, teasing self, but when he hadn't known that she was watching, she sensed his worry…dread, even. Then he had gone into the Italian doctor's examination room and her own worry had taken precedence.
She had known what the doctor's opinion had been by Beau's expressionless face when he asked her to join them in his office. There was no hope, there would be no cure. But she had not expected six months. She remembered well the night Melanie died. She recalled thinking that of course doctors make mistakes, and that it couldn't be true, and of course Melly couldn't really be dying! But Beau, with his irrefutable belief in modern medicine, had stonily informed her that there were no medical means by which to save his father.
Ashley was going to die, and in less than six months.
But he looks alright, she thought in desperation, if only he wasn't so tired all the time…She had seen death though, so many times! The pinched face, the yellowy skin-he wasn't dying! He couldn't be! Melly needs him here, Scarlett thought. I need him! Looking at him now, though, she couldn't miss the change in demeanor, the profound melancholy that surrounded him. She suspected that he was thinking about Melanie again; whenever he thought upon his own mortality, thoughts of his first wife returned tenfold. How could he not?
"Scarlett, please say something," he said, a pleading quality in his voice. "I need you to say something."
What did he expect her to say? She attempted to plaster a half smile on her face as she addressed him, but the voice that came from her mouth was faint and flat.
"Yes, Ashley?"
"Talk to me, Scarlett. Talk about anything. The weather, anything."
"I wonder if Melly's having fun at the reception?" Scarlett wondered aloud, remembering suddenly the earlier part of the afternoon. She had looked so pretty, and they had all laughed together and sent her off with Wade like a little princess…
"I'm certain of it," he smiled and the tension built up in his jaw seemed to slacken. "She's so pretty, Scarlett. It's so good for her to go to these things, to be shown off like a lady."
"It's almost like the old days, isn't it?"
"Not quite that. She'll never know what it was like in the old days. She'll never know the simple pleasures of the barbeques and the parties and the ball gowns…"
"Oh, the gowns!" Scarlett mused aloud. "I couldn't decide what to wear that day to that last barbeque at Twelve Oaks. I wanted only to impress you, and I wore an afternoon dress. Mammy fussed at me for showing my arms and shoulders!"
"But they were lovely arms and shoulders."
She sighed, "I wish that we just could stop time, Ashley."
"Where would you have stopped it, Scarlett?"
"Last March, I think. When Ella came to visit and I watched her and Melly running in the sand with no shoes. You were playing the piano upstairs and I was sitting on the porch with my hair loose. The wind was blowing through it so delightfully and I thought myself quite content for once in my life. Even though it all could have been different, it was what it was, and I was content."
"I know, Scarlett. I know exactly how you feel. Melly was still a little girl then. She knew only what we wished her to know, and she worshipped us in all things. And we got to keep her young longer than most parents get to keep their children, don't you think?"
"I still have a hard time looking at her and seeing anything but a child."
"But she will grow up! She already has, in many ways. And she will continue to learn all sorts of new and exciting things and then, one day, she will get to vote and hold property and all the dreams that I've dreamt on her behalf will come true for her."
"None of your dreams for her seem to include her finding a husband."
"Well, I suppose that I am guilty of wanting to keep her a little girl in my head forever."
"That's understandable."
"I was not a good father to Beau, Scarlett. Oh, I gave him love and attention enough, but Melanie did all the work. And when she left, I could hardly bear to look at him, because whenever I did, I saw only her looking back at me, disappointed."
"Oh Ashley, you mustn't be so hard on yourself. Look how well he did for himself. And he went to Harvard and Europe just like Melly wanted, and then medical school to boot. You can be proud of him, Ashley."
"I am proud of him, so very proud. But I must say, I am somewhat prouder of Melly."
"That's because you've poured all of yourself into her."
"You're absolutely right, Scarlett. I was away at war until Beau was a toddler, I never was able to watch him grow. The bond between us was never as strong as it is between me and Melly. She utterly changed my life, Scarlett. You can't imagine how fiercely protective I am of her, or how much I love her. She's extraordinary, is Melly. A perfect fusion of…"
She turned back around so that he wouldn't see her wince over that. At Scarlett's downcast eyes, he paused. "I didn't mean to bring him up. Especially here in Charleston."
Scarlett shrugged. "Charleston has little significance to me. I never came here as his wife. I was just some desperate creature begging for a kind word from him. I lost all pride in myself after he left, Ashley. You didn't see it, those first two months. I showed up at his mother's doorstep pleading to see him. And he wouldn't even look at me. Of course, he left the next day and I had to remain to keep up appearances."
"I remember. You were changed when you returned."
"I was. I was determined not to let him lick me, and to be the mother that Wade and Ella needed me to be, so I put every last shred of energy into them."
"And to me," he added. "I doubt very much that I would have seen to it that Beau had school clothes or even that we had food on the table if you hadn't been over every night to look in on us."
"Remember that fit India pitched after I stayed past supper one night?"
"Like it was yesterday. At the top of her lungs, screaming at you in the street..."
"You know, after that black eye I gave her, she didn't have too much more to say about the subject."
"Indeed she did not." He chuckled aloud at the memory of his sister's outraged face adorned with the most splendid black eye. "I was ever so glad when she moved in with Honey and her husband."
They stared at each other from across the room. Ashley stood up and walked over to Scarlett, taking her hands in his.
"I wonder what would have become of us without Melly?"
"Well, I guess we can thank Rhett for that at least!"
"Him, I shall never understood. How could he have followed you to Tara and…" he grimaced as he said, "taken you, and then left?"
"He was afraid," she said sadly. "I had been mean to him too many times before. Time and time again I hurt him, and he was too proud to show it. And then I was angry with him for not showing it. I was hateful, Ashley, hateful. And he…well…he got very drunk very quickly and one thing led to another and then the next morning, he was gone…and you know the rest, Ashley."
"I do," he replied, then said softly, "and I'm so sorry to have made you sad, my dear, but I must speak to you about something that has been weighing heavily on my conscience." She said nothing, so he continued. "I wonder if we could come to an understanding of sorts with Rhett."
"Whatever do you mean?" she bristled.
"Hear me out, Scarlett. Everyone changes, and fourteen years is long enough for anyone to change, even Rhett Butler."
"What are you saying, Ashley?"
"I wonder if we should allow him to meet Melly. To spend some time with her, just once or twice, before…well, just so that…I don't know, Scarlett. Melly is such a bright, caring girl. She would win him over instantly. And if you're afraid of him taking her away from you like you once were, well, she's far too old for that to happen!"
"And what will you tell her, Ashley?" Scarlett shrilled. "She can't have two fathers!"
"She won't," he said in a dull voice. "Not in six months."
Scarlett wanted nothing more than to be brave and strong, to impress him with her fortitude, but the sheer, raw terror of facing the world without him set her spinning around to throw herself into his arms and whisper intently, "Oh Ashley, I'm frightened! I'm so frightened!"
He held her close for several minutes, his chin resting on the top of her head. He didn't tell her that she was being silly, nor did he move to reassure her. He whispered, "I'm afraid, too, Scarlett."
Scarlett stared at him, a frown forming on her face. She noticed that he was shivering, and she wondered if he felt the chill in the room more keenly than she did.
"Should we call for someone to light the fire?"
He shook his head. "No. Beau's a young man. He doesn't feel the cold and there's no sense in making his house hot on my count. I've become enough of a burden as it is…"
"Oh Ashley," Scarlett observed him. Always tall and slender as a reed, he seemed suddenly very frail and small. He didn't reply immediately and she glanced up into the steady grey eyes. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Ashley, I'm sorry I shouted at you. But I don't want to think about…oh, Ashley, I would have been lost without you."
He returned her hug and replied, "and I without you, my dear. I would have still been fumbling through life, staring out to sea like one waiting in vain for their lost beloved, waiting for a ship that will never return home. In that dark time after Melanie's death, I never thought again to be happy. And when I think about leaving you and Melly, I…"
His voice trailed off again and he crushed her in his embrace, so filled was he with emotion.
"You'll never have to," Scarlett choked out, "it's alright, darling, you'll never have to."
"I'm afraid, Scarlett. I'm afraid of dying just as I was once afraid of living."
"Shh…" she said soothingly, running her white, slender fingers through his hair. He was a child again, his head bent down against her hair, sobbing into it…
Rhett Butler pulled his hat down low on his head as he walked down the narrow tree-lined East Battery Street. It wasn't that he was worried that he would be recognized. On the Battery? Not a chance. Not that he couldn't name off the owners of the town homes by heart: the Edmondson's, the Alton's… All the old fine families had at least one property on the street, yes, here on the Battery, the old times still lingered. But why take the chance that one of the houses might be the one in which they were staying? But they're at the hotel, he reassured himself; at the Francis Marion, Wade Hampton said. Besides, it was highly unlikely that they would recognize him after all these years. Although he had attempted to shed some of those unneeded inches around his midsection, he was still heavier than he would have liked, aside from the obvious fact that he was old! He paused at the intersection of East Bay Street and the wharves and looked out upon the Cooper River. He knew the area like the back of his hand, and he had profited handsomely from it during his blockade running days.
"Glister over gold," he muttered under his breath, remembering something he had said long ago, "Well, I made my own bed."
Oh wretched days, he mused. The days seemed to drag on and on, and time passed as if he were moving through life at half-speed. Tomorrow is another day! He hated that little mantra of hers with every fiber of his being. How dare there be a tomorrow, when all that tomorrow brought was a painful repeat of today? He craved another adventure-a sail, a shooting match, a brawl-anything to take his mind off of things. He was sixty years old and the picture of health. He had long assumed that if he wasn't killed in some exciting fashion, the heavy smoking and drinking of his youth would end his misery quick enough. And yet, he was largely unchanged, like a man frozen in time. He had left that house of horrors almost sixteen years ago to the day, yet he was still unhealed. The pain of it all was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. And seeing that girl did little to help him forget. That girl that should have been his! Bonnie would have been...his...
Tomorrow is another day! To hell with tomorrow!
He was standing outside Number 5 East Battery Street, now. It had been the home of Dr. St. Julian Ravenel, the famous physician and inventor, but now was student housing for the Medical College of Charleston. The curtains had not been drawn for the evening and the lamplight illuminated the downstairs study. A young couple was embracing. No-it was an old man rather than a boy, and a handsome woman of middle-age, her long, black hair cascading in waves down to her waist. They were a married couple; had to be. Probably parents of one of the medical students in for a visit…
Rhett watched with amusement as they began to-dance? They were waltzing, as though an invisible orchestra was performing a concerto in their honor. The beauty of the moment tore at Rhett's heart, and he felt as though he was witnessing something private, indecent… The woman seemed to stop suddenly, as though she had just noticed the open window, and she broke apart from the gentleman and moved to close the curtains. She paused for a moment, then flinched, as if she had caught a glimpse of something unpleasant. Then she shook her head and pulled the curtains shut.
Rhett winced unconsciously, as if in pain, and continued to walk aimlessly down the street toward his mother's house.
**NB: How can I thank those of you who have reviewed enough? I can't say enough how much of a pleasure it is knowing that your work is being read and liked! This chapter was not part of the original outline for this story, but I wanted to at least begin to tease out the back-story of "how Melly came to be". The full account will come out, but a little later. (It will be it's own chapter, and it will call for a higher rating!) I sincerely hope that you enjoy it! - The Scarlett Starlet
(I also need to dedicate this chapter to the great Allison Krauss and the great Robert Plant, whose beautiful song Please Read the Letter is the soundtrack behind and the inspiration for this chapter. If Scarlett and Ashley had a radio, this song would be playing loudly enough for Rhett to hear it from outside the window as they are dancing to it.)
