Chapter Seven: Call Me Irresponsible
Call me unpredictable - tell me I'm impractical
Rainbows I'm inclined to pursue
Call me irresponsible - yes I'm unreliable
But it's undeniably true - I'm irresponsibly mad for you
~Frank Sinatra, "Call Me Irresponsible"
For the time I was staying at Neal's, more than half of my day was spent in bed. Elle either didn't know I was medicated, Peter had never told her I'm assuming if that is the case, and didn't pack my pills for me or she had simply forgotten to grab them. That combined with what had happened sent me into one of my worst depressions as of yet, excluding how I had been after Grandma and Maya. For two weeks I wore nothing but pajamas and didn't even brush my hair. All I did appearance wise was brush my teeth and shower. The second week I was there I was supposed to be back at work for the last three days of school. I cashed in my built up sick days. I thought about going home one day while Neal was gone just to grab them, but decided not to. My weight once again dropped as it had after the medication change in New Orleans. All I wanted to do was sleep.
Neal was depressed too. So, once he returned home, I put on my happy mask. He didn't think I noticed, but I did. He wanted Kate back. As soon as he thought I was focusing on something other than him, his eyes would begin to water, his breathing would increase, he would start getting shaky. Whenever Mozzie came over they sat at the table discussing theories regarding who could have caused the plane to blow up and why. As I had figured, the most discussed was Fowler. Occasionally, Mozzie would distract him with the case Neal was currently working with Peter—a bank robber calling himself the Architect, and then later on some under cover thing he was doing regarding Jennings and a park that may or may not exist. It would work for a little while, but Neal would go right back to Kate the next day.
I must have been better at acting than he was. No one stopped once to ask if I was alright. Not even Elle or Caroline when they made visits during the days. They told me I was strong and brave for handling it so well. In reality, I wasn't handling it at all. But I heard other people, and even I did a few times, stop in the middle of a conversation with Neal to make sure he was okay multiple times. There were times when I felt almost jealous that no one cared to check on me, but then I felt like such a bitch and made myself even more upset.
On the Saturday marking two weeks after the party, I finally left the house. June looked surprised to see me walking downstairs in a tank top, gym shorts, and flip flops but I just smiled and told her I'd be back in a while. I didn't know why I decided to make this trip, but I almost felt like I had to. It took me ten minutes to get to my destination. The cemetery was a ghost town—excuse the pun—compared to the hundreds of busy people roaming the city streets on the other side of the gate. The graveyard was empty excluding me and all of the dead under my feet. That was good. The last thing I needed was people there to watch what was sure to become a full on mental breakdown. I roamed around for a while, not sure exactly where the person I had in mind was located. Then I found her.
Kate Moreau was buried right beside her father. "Hi Kate," I addressed the headstone awkwardly and sat in front of it with my legs crossed. "I'm not sure exactly why I wanted to talk to you. I just—I'm worried about Neal. He's not himself, Kate. Losing you, god, losing you has changed him. I love Neal. I do. I love him regardless of the fact that he will always want you just that much more. I'm fine with being on the backburner. I've been on everyone's backburner my whole life, I'm used to it. But I'm not fine with Neal getting so low. I want to see him happy. I've never seen him happy, really happy, for as long as I've known him. You were the only person that could've made him feel that way. Now, you're gone and I don't know how to help him. I want to fix it so bad, but I can't. I can't even fix myself, let alone him. I'm not strong enough for this." I began to sob and the tears burned the cut on my chest as they dripped onto it after running down my face. "I'm scared for him, Kate. I'm scared to death. And as selfish as it sounds, I'm mad. I'm mad that I can't be good enough. I've never been good enough for anyone, and the one I've fallen so hard for is the one that I least deserve. He could do a thousand times better than me. And that just makes me so mad, and sad, and scared, and I just don't know what to do." I couldn't talk anymore and just brought my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs ignoring the pain brought on as my stitches got pulled on as my skin shifted, and leaned my forehead on my knees and continued to sob.
When I left June's I had intended to also visit Grandma and Maya after Kate. But even forcing myself to stand after thirty minutes was too much of an effort for my tired mind. Instead I trudged back to June's, feeling worse than before rather than better. I just kicked off my flip flops and burrowed as deep into the covers as I could.
"Belle," I heard Neal calling me hours later. I could tell by the amount of light now filtering through the blanket, or lack thereof, and sheets that it had gotten dark. He flipped the light on and called for me again. I wanted to put the happy mask on, I really did, but I couldn't. Whenever I tried I just felt ready to start bawling all over again.
I tensed when I heard him approaching the bed. "Belle, what's wrong?" he asked softly and sat next to where I was curled up after pulling away the covers.
"I'm just having a bad day right now. I'll be fine tomorrow." I felt like I was going to burst into tears again but my voice sounded completely blank.
"What happened?" He wrapped his hand around my unscathed arm and pulled me into a sitting position on his lap as though I were a child's rag doll as opposed to a person.
I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. "It's nothing. I'm fine. I'll be back to normal tomorrow."
"Did I do something?"
"No, Neal, it's not you. The way I am is my fault," I told him, partially lying.
"Is this about Kate?"
"No," I lied again. I felt him staring at me. He was right, it's impossible to lie to him. "I'm sorry," I sighed finally and opened my eyes. He kept staring at me to go on. "I just . . . I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for anybody. You're the one I want to be with, there's no doubting that, but if there's anyone I don't deserve at all it's you."
"Who ever told you that you weren't good enough?" He tightened his arms around me and made me lock eyes with him.
"No one had to Neal," I groaned. "If I was then I'd be able to fix everything. But you still are having a hard time with it and there's nothing I can do about it."
"Belle, you are helping. No one could ever make it completely go away. I told you before that I still love Kate. But I also told you I love you more. If I didn't have you now, I'd probably still be in bed like I was right after she died."
"How is it you always know what to say, even when I'm a bumbling idiot?" I let out a small chuckle.
"Because it balances us out," he joked. "Now you wouldn't let me stay in bed and do nothing, and I'm not going to let you. Change your clothes and brush your hair. We're going out." He stood and then sat me on my feet.
I smirked, shook my head and sat back on the bed and pulled him to me by his tie. "Nope. If I remember correctly, first I got in bed and laid there with you before forcing you to shower."
"So you want me to do the same thing you did?"
"With some minor alterations to be discussed in my office," I told him as if making a business deal and then kissed him quickly before letting go of his tie.
"And where exactly is your office?" He smirked knowing where I was going with this. I scooted back up to my side of the bed and then patted the spot next to me.
"If only my brother knew how much you've corrupted me," I teased after he kissed me deeply and removed my tank top.
Neal laughed at me and kissed me again as I began undoing the buttons on his shirt. "He had his chance to kill me and didn't take it. Anything I have done and will do after that is his fault for not taking said chance and preventing me from doing it."
"I like that thought process," I giggled as he kissed down my neck.
We didn't end up going out until the next day, which he had off. I went into my doctor's at noon to have my stitches taken out and then from there we went to lunch.
My mind drifted back to my medications and as we left the small café where we had eaten I stopped him and gestured in the direction one would take to get to Queens. "Um, can we take a detour? I need something from my apartment, Elle forgot to pack it."
"My radius," he reminded me and pulled up his pants leg just enough so I could see the tracking anklet.
"Just get in the cab," I rolled my eyes at him after getting one to stop for us. He gave me a weird look but got in the back of the cab anyway. I pulled out my cell and dialed Peter.
"Hey," he answered sounding preoccupied. I heard a toilet flush in the background and Elle hiccupping. Morning sickness I would venture to guess.
"Hey, I know you're probably busy, but I just wanted to let you know Neal will be out of his radius for a little bit. I need to go pick up something from my apartment and he's coming with me."
I figured Peter would normally argue, but that's part of why I love Elle so much because as long as he was occupied with keeping her happy, he couldn't stop me from doing what I wanted. Wow, I do sound a lot like Neal.
"Yeah, fine," Peter huffed. I heard him curse to himself as Elle got sick again. "I've gotta go. Just make sure he doesn't leave your side."
"God, Peter, stop surfing porn and go help your wife," I teased before hanging up on him. I just laughed at the look Neal gave me and kissed him on the cheek.
"I think this is the first time I've actually come inside your apartment. It's nice," Neal commented when I led him inside.
"Thanks," I grinned weakly. I honestly considered my apartment kind of crappy, but I guess he is entitled to his own opinion. "You can go on and sit down if you want. I just need to grab some things from my bathroom."
"Okay," he shrugged and sat on my couch, looking like a classic masterpiece shoved into a run down shack.
I repositioned my giant purse on my shoulder and escaped to my bathroom. I immediately grabbed my two pill bottles from my medicine cabinet and tossed them into the bag. Thankfully I had learned back with my boyfriend before Neal to carry my birth control pills with me, so that hadn't been a problem. I was about to return to the living room when I remembered what was supposed to start in a few days and then back tracked to grab the box of tampons from under my sink. My bag was, surprisingly, almost full, but thankfully there was still enough room for me to close the snap so that Neal couldn't spot the item on top. It was bad enough that there would be the risk of seeing the evidence in the trashcan later; I didn't want to announce it.
"Ready?" I asked him as I returned.
"Yeah," he smiled at me, making my heart flutter slightly. I wondered vaguely as we left whenever I would return to sleeping in my own apartment. It strangely hurt when I thought of having to sleep alone again, so I grabbed Neal's hand and pushed the thoughts to the cage in the back of my mind along with other things that were to painful to bring up. Strange that for having only two boyfriends in my life, sleeping alone bothers me. I should be used to it. For a while I was used to it, at least I was before Neal came along.
As usual, I have to thank all of you. You guys have just been so awesome since this story began and I am so grateful to all of you for that. I would also like to apologize for the fact that this chapter is shorter than I originally intended. But I didn't want to leave you with nothing before I went away for another week. I have another house sitting job and I am leaving tomorrow and I will be gone until the eighth. But the good news is, I am working on a special one shot for all of you. It is a spin off of this and is Peter/Elle centric. It takes place when Elle tells Peter she is pregnant. I am going to try to post it tonight-it will be titled Date Night-and if not, it will be up first thing when I get back.
Anyways, I'm sorry I am telling you this on such short notice and I hope this at least partially makes up for it. And to make sure I don't do it again, I will tell you now that I am going to be on vacation from the twenty first to the twenty eighth of August. Anyways, I can't wait to see what you all have to say when I get back and I will get to chapter eight as soon as I can.
I love you guys!
TheRatPack
