Who You Are
Friday
You're worthless.
You're worthless.
You're worthless.
My arms were wrapped tightly around my knees while they were firmly against my body. The frigid floor sent goosebumps throughout my body. Tears were silently rolling down my cheek and I rocked back and forth. Desperation, pain, ache, hatred. Millions of thoughts ran through my head, the scenes flashed back one by one. I tried to disperse them but to no avail, they sauntered.
You are worthless.
Stupid, stupid girl. I should've known it was all too good to be true. When is it all going to end? When are all the disappointments going to end? When is all this pain going to end? When am I going to end?
He doesn't care.
You're nothing.
What happened to all those times I felt wanted? Needed? What happened to all his words of affection, to all those times he showed that he cared for me? He made feel like I wasn't completely alone. He made feel like I can lean on somebody and that I don't have to fight this battle by myself. What happened to everything he promised me?
"I'll fix you…"
He said…
"I'll fix you…"
Lies. Lies. Lies. He lied and I was the stupid girl who believed him. Why did I let him in? Why did I fall into his arms? Because he made me feel different… he made me feel special. All his gestures, all his words were just sweet talk to get me to let him in.
It was all a game.
Who are you?
No. No. No.
I've been kicked to the ground too many times; I have drowned so much in my own tears. And when I finally thought it was all ending slowly, it came back penetrating me into deep despair. Why can't I get out of it? What did I do wrong?
Why am I even alive?
Who the hell are you?
Abused. Lied. Beaten. Used.
What happened to happy endings? Where the hell are they? I'm not meant for one. Is this how my life will be? Suffering, disappointment after disappointment, torment subjected upon me. Why? Why? Eddie, why did you do this? It just took one downfall for me to drown again. It just took one setback for me fall deeper back again.
It's because you're nothing.
It's because you're weak.
I thought we-
I was wrong. I'm lost. I'm lost now, I can't get back up. I'm falling deeper…
Deeper.
Deeper.
I'm back ro square one. I'm suffocating. One stupid mistake, I let him in. One stupid mistake and I'm here again. No. No. This is not how's supposed to be. He can't… he didn't do it… I'm being deceived again. Am I? Is he capable of doing it to me?
So many thoughts, so many emotions. It's all too overwhelming.
I can't take it. I can't… not anymore.
He's gone.
He used me. He lied to me.
He's gone… So am I.
I'm gone.
He never cared.
My eyes trailed down my reflection on the mirror. I scrutinized every visible part. The small yet distinct bruises. The effigy of my frail, gaunt and pallid body stood there, imitating every move I took. I observed myself and slowly, my eyes closed. I bit my lower lip to stop my abominable thoughts. But they managed to find a way and rushed back to me. They penetrated in the worst possible way and I stood there, in front of the infamous mirror, and thought, What the hell is wrong with me?
Time was infinite. The clock stopped ticking and it froze. And I loathed the million thoughts wondering inside my head, messing with my mind. Incoherent sounds escaped my mouth as I tried to prevent them from emerging. I swallowed all the tears away; I swallowed all my sorrow and focused on the body in front of me. My gaze trailed up to the face. I met lifeless hazel, no spark, not even a small glint. They're dull, marked with heavy bags, hollow cheek bones and paleness surrounding it. I bit my lip once again and this time I did crumble. A tear betrayed me and rapidly rolled down. I didn't even attempt to wipe it away and proceeded to stare, perceive just who I am.
A bitter smile appeared over my features. In the mirror, it looked like an awkward gesture. My lips were slightly twitched up, my features hard and eyes blank without emotion.
So this is what Eddie sees?
Beautiful? More lies… why didn't I ever notice them? Was I blind enough to let him deceive me like this? Everything that is wrong with me is all standing right in front of me.
The words repeated inside my head. Tormenting me, bringing anguish and distress; and all my sorrow slowly ran back to inflict pain on me. Sweetie... His hoarse voice resounded in my mind; I felt his cold hands trailed up on my waist. His uncontrolled breath leaned next to my neck. I become frozen, a statue with a look of terror. Just when I thought it was all over, he always comes back.
Then I felt the pain resonate on my back. The revolting memory made its grand entrance and I shut my eyes instantly to counteract them. They slipped through and the nightmare flashed back, each scene stronger the next. Each scene portraying his face filled with rage, redundant words escaped his mouth. Eyes shot red, stiff body, and hands brought up to the sky ready to lash at me. Once, he yelled in annoyance and fury. Second, the leather whip slashed against my back. I cringed as the fresh blood oozed out. It rolled down my back and he stalked out of the room. I'm sorry sweetie. You know how I hate it when you don't do what you're told. He smiled and his perfect white teeth shone. But now you know better. Right, Sweetie? And in an instant he was gone,leaving me and my wound, marking my body forever.
Everything went blank. I slowly opened my eyes and there stood my parallel. It was staring straight at me.
Who are you?
I shrugged and embraced myself with my tenuous arms. But I didn't feel warmth or security whatsoever. I didn't feel complete fervor engulf me in tranquility. Reassuring me that I could make it through. I didn't feel the same vehemence that I am exposed whenever his strong arms are gently wrapped around me. Securing me from danger, shielding me from Trent's excruciating remembrance. My eyes widened, my mouth slightly parted and I shook my head.
What happened?
12:00 p.m.
I had walked out of the house today without a single word said to my mother. I escaped as soon as I saw her interrogative and curious gaze. Her voice trailed behind me and completely faded once I had turned the corner. I haven't told her what happened yesterday. If I do, I wouldn't know how to take the look of disappointment and her sweet words trying to confort me.
My book bag laid on the ground and I tried to concentrate on eating the burrito that was resting on my lap. I tapped the tray and contemplated on leaving the school campus. I sighed and placed the plastic, blue tray on the ground and began observing my surroundings. I cringed at the bright, pastel color encircling the entire school. Pink cards. Pink balloons. Pink plush toys. Pink clothes. Pink roses. Pink everything. I scowled at the obnoxious scene in front of me. I departed my eyes from them and looked around at the student body. Girls were shrieking in joy and flung their arms around boys. Guys held girls hand tightly and I realized what day today was.
Valentine's.
My face was completely expressionless. But my mind was jumbled with thoughts. A memory made its way back and I was suddenly on top of that hill. Eddie was standing next to me and he had that smile on his face; the one I learned to appreciate and regarded as the smile that always appears whenever he's around me. I watched as he had his undivided attention on me, his smile never dispersed but I didn't notice how he had a gentle look, a look he gave to me. I was too busy trying to ignore he was even there, my gaze was plastered on the sky, looking off into the blue horizon. I'll fix you. He had said. I closed my eyes and opened them again to find myself back on the repugnant scenery. Pink flashed everywhere. Giggles were abhorrent to my ears. Nevertheless I sighed and rolled my head back. Out of the blue I heard my name. I sighed in frustration and looked around. A group of girls caught my eye; they were located on top of the cafeteria's staircase. They were a few yards away from me and I noticed her impeccable golden curls stand in the middle of the clique. My eyes landed on her blue ones filled with deceit. A smirk appeared and I saw the vile, the hatred. I quavered and got the impression that she was up to something. I quickly averted my gaze and dismissed them from my mind.
"Loren! There you are!"
A girl with a black and white polka dot dress stood in front of me. I took in her three inch high top boots and the metallic accessories on her wrists and neck. I looked up to meet her gaze and noticed the strong, black make up on her face. Her curly, brunette hair stood in a high pony tail. I raised an eyebrow. "Melissa." I stated and she nodded with a smile of triumph. "At least someone recognizes me." I laughed mockingly. "You're making quite of a statement today."
"I am. But it's also to bother the peasants surrounding me. Their fake laughter and smiles disgust me." She spat and straightened her dress. I sighed and stood up, picking up my book bag. "So…" She smiled suggestively. "Your mom called me yesterday and told me you went to your Bf's house." I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second and began walking away from Mel and her interrogation. She followed and caught up to me. "What happened?" She asked. I shivered and shook my head. "Nothing."
"Really? C'mon something must've happened. I am adamant to believe that you went there to play patty cake with him."
My face hardened and Mel kept rambling. Her sentences, her incoherent thoughts of Eddie and me were making my head spin and everything became a blur. Dizziness followed and I had to stop. I leaned on the lockers and caught my breath. She stopped talking and I felt her questioning gaze filled with concern. "Lo, are you okay." I nodded and ran a hand through my hair. "I'm- I'm good. Very well if you ask me." I said breathless. "Just stop talking for a moment." In a matter of seconds the poignant scenes left a void but I managed to get back up and stand on two feet. Melissa was able to shut up and I nodded in gratitude. She looked at me, "Lo what happened yesterday?" I smiled, trying to dissimilate my glistening eyes. "Nothing just that…" I sighed. "You were wrong about Eddie and me…"
"What?" She said below a whisper.
"Eddie… he definitely has better things to do than fall for Loren Tate. And apparently he decided to play with her."
"Loren-"
"It was all a lie Mel…" I choked. "You were wrong. He doesn't see me like something more than a friend except a toy to play with."
I began walking away but Melissa pulled me back. "Wait. What do you mean?"
"I saw him and Chloe Carter… in a heated moment."
She opened her mouth but closed right back. "Okay…? So what happened next? Did he tell you what was happening or…?"
"Um No… Chloe left and-"
"Did she say something to you? Did he say something to you?"
"She told me that he was only using me then Eddie kicked her out…"
"Okay…" She smiled nervously. "But you didn't believe her, right?"
"I-I"
"What did Eddie say after she left?"
"He didn't say a lot just lies… I-I look Melissa have to go to class."
"No you don't." She pushed me back and placed her hands on her hips. Disbelief was marked all over her face. "We still have a couple more minutes before the bell rings." I sighed in frustration as she cornered me in the crevice of the wall. "So what you're telling me is that you went to Eddie's and found him and his ex all over each other?"
I didn't say a word and excluded any emotions. She nodded. "And then Eddie kicked her out because she started spilling lies that you believed."
"How do you know she was lying? Maybe she's right."
She shut her eyes and sighed. "No. She's lying. I know people like her and they would do anything to get what they want. I'm actually surprised that you didn't see through the lies she told you."
"Mel I don't want to talk about it."
"Well that's too bad Loren. Because you're going to listen carefully to every word I say." Melissa looked at me with evident pain in her eyes. "So did Eddie explain himself after she left? Did you listen to anything that he said? Loren, did you let him or did you run away when you saw an opportunity?"
Silence followed and Mel got her answer. She nodded her head apprehensively. "I didn't know what to do, Mel." I whispered, chocking back the tears. "I know… I can't imagine how you felt at that moment. I'm sorry Lo but you were unfair to him."
"Unfair?" I said incredulous. She nodded her head, no remorse nor regret. "Yes, unfair. You didn't let him explain. You didn't let him defend himself. You didn't face the situation and instead ran away."
"I-I please can we let this go."
"No. You need to face it Loren. You know I'm right. So why you haven't called Eddie to talk to him is a mystery to me. Why haven't you gone back to his apartment and know the truth that he didn't mean to hurt you intentionally and it was all a mistake, a misunderstanding? Why Loren? Why can't you believe that someone out there cares for you? Why do you push them away when they're trying to help you?"
She was asking questions that I had no answers to. I swallowed the lump that accumulated in my throat, consisting of words and tears I sustained. And I acknowledged what was wrong with me. Why I did what I always do. And I have no idea how many times he has called, how many messages and voicemails he has left. I have no idea because I turned off my phone as soon as I left that building.
"I'm scared." I said in an inaudible tone. Melissa still heard it and she closed her eyes. A tear rolled down her cheek and I restrained mine. "You can't let it get to you Loren. You can't let it control your life. Because it will kill you slowly and before you know it, you'll forget how to breathe."
I let out and exasperated laugh. "I forgot how to do a lot of things a very long time and we both know what I'm referring to."
The bell rang and I was liberated from this agonizing moment that neither brought joy and powder cookies. I nibbled on my lower lip and Melissa looked at me dead in the eye. "Don't let Eddie slip away." She said and I recalled those same words coming out of my mother's mouth. Her voice resonated and I bit my lip hard. Don't let Eddie get away.
I stalked off as soon as I could. Melissa didn't protest and followed me to Calculus. We had made a turn when we notice a crowd surrounding the entrance of the class. Once our presence was known, girls turned around and they rolled their eyes at us. Guys stared at me from head to toe and I felt miniscule as they looked at me curious and confused. They made a gateway for us and we walked in the middle of the crowd. "Talk about bunch of weirdoes." Melissa whispered. I shrugged and began walking into the classroom.
Red. Bright red and the smell of sweetness inundated me. I stared at the color and baskets drowning in this beautiful flower were standing in the entrance. What. The. Hell.
"Loren Tate, these are for you." My gaze averted to Ms. Fitz. She was standing in the doorway since there was no possible entrance to her desk. I expected complete annoyance to be present in her face but she was intrigued instead. I nodded nervously and turned to the surprise. Who in their right mind would do this? Melissa let out a soft, husky whistle. "Eddie Duran knows how to please a girl." I stood there astounded and startled that he would do this. In school. Today. Oh shit.
"Oh look he left a letter."
Mel pointed to a white envelope located on top of a basket filled solely with red roses. "Are you going to get it or are you waiting for it to mystically come walking towards you?"
I ignored her comment and squished my way through the other baskets. I took careful steps, making sure I didn't step on any of the roses that had fallen to the floor. A few feet later I reached the basket and grabbed the envelope. I stared at it for a moment, tracing the elegant writing.
To: Loren
From: Eddie
"You've got to be kidding me!"
A high pitch voice sounded behind me. I flinched when I recognized that voice. "Really?" She said.
"And the ugliest of them all appears." Melissa spat. "Go away Adrianna. Don't you have a boyfriend to tend?"
"I'm not talking to you- what are you even supposed to be?"
"Isn't obvious. I'm representing your inner soul. Black, vile and wicked."
I slowly turned around and confronted Adrianna. She was shooting daggers at Melissa while Mel was completely ignoring her. I began walking back to the entrance and felt countless pair of eyes staring at me, watching every movement. I clutched the envelope and Adrianna's eyes landed on it.
"What is that?"
"Nothing you should worry about." I muttered.
"What did you say?"
I sighed and skipped her warning tone. I stood in front of her tall physique and looked at her. A vicious smile appeared on her face and I shivered. This is not good. I anticipated her next words. I knew how she was going to attack me. Was I ready? Not at all. I never am.
"It's kinda surprising that Eddie Duran still hasn't grown bored of you."
I avoided her gaze and she took a step closer. Melissa walked towards us but I shook my head. I can handle her. Right?
"But I'm positive he'll eventually realize how useless you are."
And the same words are repeated over and over again. She's the broken record reminding me why I detest this school. Why I hate her and everyone in it. She's the repetitive living nightmare that never stops tormenting me about my past. She adds more to the pain that I bring to myself.
"Do you honestly think he likes you for you? If I ask every single boy that comes to this school if they would bang or diss you, they would all just throw you to the dump like the trash you are."
I flinched at her words. Like I didn't know that. Thank you for slapping me in the face for the millionth time.
"You're the dirt I walk on; you're the mosquito everyone kills-" Mosquito? That's a new insult. "-the only thing you're useful is to be the joke of the entire school."
I knew where this was headed. I knew where she was aiming at; I knew where I would fall after this. But I didn't move and I felt Melissa's presence become defined as she would tell Adrianna to shut up and shout at me not to listen to her. But her words were sinking in. Deeper. My blood was boiling, my heart was pumping hard, and my breathing was hitched. She still had a smirk on her face, her look of victory.
She always wins in the end.
"Do you honestly believe that Eddie cares for you? Well newsflash sweetie-" I bit my lips and my hands turned into fist at that word. She extended the word, knowing how much it affects me. My ears were piercing, my mind was scattered being penetrated with her words. "Nobody cares about you. I thought you knew that already I mean, after what your-" Don't fucking say it. Please don't. Not any of that. I can't take it.
"Adrianna shut up!"
It wasn't Melissa's voice. It wasn't the voice of someone in the crowd. It wasn't Eddie, though I wish it was. Where's my savior? Can he still be called that after what happened? What exactly did happen?
"Go away Cameron." She hissed but her gaze never left me. She continued to stare me down, demolishing what's left of me.
And she proceeded to remind me of why I am like I am. Why I am so revolting to her eyes, why she will never understand why Eddie chose me? Did he really?
'Don't listen to her Loren."
How can I not when she screams louder than my own silence. When she's right here, speaking the truth of why I am like this. She doesn't know who I am. She doesn't understand or get me.
And guess what, neither do I.
Who am I?
"Just like your father." She said. My eyes widened for a mere second. I bowed my head low and eyes casted down to the ground. Once, he yelled in annoyance and fury. Second, the leather whip slashed against my back, I cringed as the fresh blood oozed out. It rolled down my back and he stalked out of the room. The deep wound on my back; the antagonizing memories came back. One by one. Slowly at first and then in a rabid notion, they charged at me like Adrianna.
"He probably doesn't know your past, Tate. What was it exactly? Didn't your father abuse you and your mother? Oh that's right; he beat you and your mom and treated you like trash because that's what you are."
"Ms. Masters can you please leave Ms. Tate alone."
Ms. Fits intervened. Melissa stood beside me. I don't know what took them long to react. Cameron grabbed Adrianna's arm and tried to haul her away. Everybody was outside, and like every time, they didn't do anything but stand and watch the show. I wanted to fall and vanish from existence. I wanted to disappear and stop this entire affliction.
I wanted to end.
"What? I'm just telling the truth. Can you let me go!" Cameron began dragging her away but she was resistant. "Just remember Tate, you're nothing- Cameron you're hurting me!" She flayed her arms and tried to rush back to me; to continue exerting more pain on me. "You're not wanted! Ow!" Her voice trailed down the hallway. "Don't listen to her Lo." Melissa whispered. I clutched her arm for support. And all eyes were on me. They were judging me, they're eyes showed repugnance and they acted as if they knew me.
Why do they do that?
I never did anything to them… I never did anything to Adrianna. So why does she hurt me? Why do they judge me when I have done absolutely nothing to them? Why does she torment me?
"Lo…" Melissa gently patted my back reassuringly. I stood aghast; it was a miracle that my limp body was still standing. Melissa shook her head. "Loren look at me." And just when I thought that she was gone. She shouted. She screamed on the top of her lungs and I ran.
That's what I always knew what to do best.
Run.
Run away from my fears and never confront them. I let them linger within me and never let them go.
I relive the past through my nightmares because I never did learn how to let them flow. Fear haunted me. Fear killed me. Fear overpowered me. Fear made me weak.
I let fear do this to me.
I let him do this to me.
I ran. I ran. Nobody chased after me. And I kept running. Away from the haunted building, the place where I'm constantly tormented and when I think it's over, it comes back. I ran and Melissa was forced to stay behind. "Let her go." Ms. Fitz had said, "She needs to handle it by herself."
I ran. I ran home. I ran to the only place where I live with the only woman who truly cares for me and had to endure what I had to go through. She's the only one who understands what I'm going through. But she was able to let it go. She was able to face Trent and show him that he can't bring her down. And I'm the nuisance bogging her down.
I ran. I ran. And when I made it there, I barged through the door into the living room and to my cave. The place where nightmares unfold. I stood in the middle of the room for a moment before throwing everything to the floor. The envelope was lost from my hands.
Scattered clothing. Scattered books. Scattered bed sheets. I threw everything to the floor. Rage took over me. Anger invaded my whole being. Fury terrorized me and I violently tossed the books off the shelf. Items on top of the drawer tumbled on the floor. My body was shaking, my head was spinning, and my heart was beating fast. My mouth trembled. My hands opened and closed into fists. My eyes nictitated rapidly. Tears vigorously flowed down my cheek and there never seemed to be an end.
I gave up.
I leaned against the white wall and slowly slipped down on the floor. I wrapped my arms around my knees and brought them closer to my body. Rocking back and forth, I began to hum. Rocking back and forth, delirium was taking over me.
Time was infinite. Time was endless. I don't how long I stayed there. I don't how long it took Melissa to find me. But when she did, she gasped at the scene and looked around. She looked for me.
I was at the far corner of the rooml; tears were still running down my cheek, hysteria evident in my face. My body quivered, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, and I kept rocking back and forth. I hummed and I hummed.
Melissa kneeled beside me and a few tears slipped down her eyes. She didn't attempt to wipe them. She extended her arm to me but took it back. She was trying to reach out for me but knew it was hopeless. She choked and a silent sob escaped her mouth. I continued humming, rocking back and forth steadily along with my shaking body. She covered her mouth to stop the whimpers and I smiled. "I'm okay." I said trying to reassure her. Her body trembled and she scooted closer to me. "Loren, please tell me how I can help you… And I'll try my best to help you."
I was silent. I didn't mutter a word. My own thoughts consumed me and I wanted nothing more but to escape.
"Loren… please…" She choked and I kept my silence. "Tell me what you need. Please I want to help you."
I flutter my eyes, my vision was blurred from the tears, my head stopped spinning, my body stopped trembling, my mind was relieved from everything and only one thing became clear.
"I need Eddie."
Hahahahahahhahaha Oh Loren. So how did you like the chapter? Reviews are amazing actually ;). SO please tell me what you thought and next chapter will be better. I promise, I'll try to make it better. Okay. Okay. Oh and this is a special shout out to Estefy, yhan88, hheights143 and kortneyfpto. You guys are the best. I swear.
Song: Who You Are by Jessie J
Stay True,
Leddiexx
