"Hey," Monica greeted the next morning, surprised to see her two girl friends already up and around the kitchen table. She was rarely ever the last one up.
"Hi," Rachel greeted in a slightly uneasy tone.
Monica frowned as she continued to the fridge to grab out a carton of orange juice, "anyone want breakfast?" she couldn't decide if her own stomach could handle much just yet.
"No," Phoebe said quickly, "actually, we wanted to talk to you," Phoebe's tone was the same as Rachel's had been, "come sit with us."
She watched the looks passing between her best friends, suddenly very cautious about what was about to take place.
"O-k," she said slowly as she took a seat in the middle of them, "What is it?"
More looks passed between them, neither willing to start.
"What's going on?" she asked, a little annoyed as well as apprehensive, "tell me...guys?"
"Well," Rachel cleared her throat a little, clearly very uncomfortable, "we just wanted to make sure that...well that you are certain…"
"Rachel," she grated out pissed, wishing her roommate would just spit out whatever it was. She was a little hungover and getting cranky.
"Are you sure you wanna marry Pete?" Phoebe finished for her friend.
Silence.
"What?" Monica asked, unable to hide her shocked expression. "Of course I do! Where's this coming from?"
The other two looked at each other and swallowed. There was no going back.
"We're just a little worried about you," Rachel said softly, reaching out to take her hand. "I know you're really excited about the wedding, but are you excited about being married?"
"Yes," she said instantly.
"It's just you don't seem all that happy about being Mrs Becker," Rachel continued.
Monica pushed down that weird feeling again, "I love him."
"Do you love him enough to grow old with him?" Phoebe asked gently. "Do you love him enough to wake up next to him every morning? Seeing him every night?" She put her hand on Monica's arm, "do this with me." Monica's eyes met hers, "close your eyes," she did, "so you're in your gigantic mansion and you're standing in your living room and looking at the family portrait over the mantle, and there's you and your beautiful kids, do you see Pete with you?"
"Yes!" she protested, opening her eyes, not liking this conversation at all. "He's such a nice guy, he treats me so well, what more could I ask for?"
"When the wedding is over and you're living in that mansion watching the maid do the cleaning wrong and you're waiting for those 5 years to pass. Will you be happy? Pleased you married him?"
"Yes!" she tried to keep the doubt from entering her voice. "Of course I will."
"Mon," Rachel tried a different tactic. "I know what you're going through, ok? When I was engaged to Barry, thinking of the wedding was exciting and knowing I'd be looked after. Barry was a nice guy like Pete-"
"He was cheating on you with Mindy!"
"My point," she grated out, "is despite having everything I'd always wanted, I realized it didn't feel right. I thought I loved him, loved the future but I didn't really love him. Not enough. I didn't experience true love until I dated your stupid brother. Can you say that you truly love him? That you feel this is the right thing to do? Because it's not too late. Believe me, leaving Barry was one of the hardest thing I had to do, but it was the best decision of my life."
Monica sighed, "I don't understand this, really, I don't. Are you trying to get me to leave Pete? I love him."
Rachel shook her head quickly, "I'm not trying to get you to do anything," she told her, "I'm trying to make sure that you're sure about Pete. I thought I was sure about Barry."
"Pete's not Barry," Monica said quietly, "and I'm not you. I'm not going to ditch him at the altar and climb out of the bathroom window."
"I know," Rachel tried to keep calm. "I just trying to help you so you can realize it sooner and not have to go through what I did."
"I appreciate that," Monica said, "but it's not necessary. I'm gonna marry Pete."
"So you aren't settling because you're just ready to get married, right?" Phoebe asked, "you shouldn't rush these things. You're still young and can find somebody that you're truly happy with."
"No, I'm not settling at all!" Monica frowned, "of course I'm not. He's a good guy, and I am happy with him."
"If you're happy and 100% positive this is the right thing for you, then we'll support you the whole way," Rachel promised, "But if over the next couple of days, at any point, you start to change your mind, then know we're here for you too, ok?"
"Ok," Monica nodded, "thanks." Their conversation unnerved her a little. Sure, she'd said a few drunken things last night but did they really think she didn't love him? That she shouldn't marry him? The thought was crazy. Wasn't it? "I'm gonna grab a shower then see if my stomach is up for breakfast," she announced, wanting nothing more than to get away from this conversation.
"Ok," the other two nodded, "but please think about it, ok? Cancelling a wedding is a lot less painful than divorce."
That hit her. Hard. Divorce? She hated the idea. No, she wanted to be a bride, then a wife and be in a happy marriage. Like her parents. She didn't want a failed marriage and then a messy divorce.
She silently made her way into the bathroom and stood under the warm shower spray. This time next week she would be married and on honeymoon. Then she'd move into his house and she'd use his two person power shower. She wouldn't live here anymore.
A sad feeling spread through her at the thought of moving out but she was moving in with a man. Becoming a grown up...shouldn't that excite her? It's what she'd always wanted. Sure she was going to be sad leaving here, anyone would be. It had been her home for so long and she had so many great memories, but it's not like she wouldn't be here again. Rachel was gonna stay and there was talk of Phoebe maybe moving back in. She'd still be round. Maybe not all the time, as Pete's place was a little further away, but she'd still make time for them.
The thought of not seeing her friends daily didn't settle well in her gut. The thought of not having Chandler and Joey across the hall, casually strolling in to steal her food or complain about their day. Not falling asleep on the couch with Chandler after a terrible chick flick or telling him off about deliberately spilling popcorn.
No, her life was going to be different after the wedding, but that was ok. Right? People changed, lives changed. It was inevitable. She couldn't expect her current perfect situation to not change, that would be naive. Someone had to break away from the tight-pack so why not her?
Her tummy rebelled and she tried to pass it off on her hangover finally kicking in. She didn't want to acknowledge any other reason for it.
"Hi," Rachel greeted as she walked into the boys' apartment finding Joey sniggereing to himself, "what's so funny?"
"Oh, I'm just remembering this joke Chandler told me last night," he chuckled, "where wolf!"
Rachel shook her head, "right."
"Did you have a good 'girly' night?" he asked. "I didn't miss out on any lingerie modelling right?"
"Nooo," Rachel said slowly, "it wasn't really modelling...just us pillow fighting in our underwear."
The look on Joey's face made her pull a disgusted face of her own and hit him around the head with the paper.
"Ow!" he complained. "What the hell was that for? I was in the middle of a really good image…"
"I don't want to hear about it," Rachel insisted, placing the paper back onto the countertop, "I was joking about the pillow fighting and the underwear. It didn't happen."
"It did in my head," he grinned, ducking as she picked up the paper again. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding," he wasn't, "so what did you get up to? Besides the hilarious jokes and cocktail drinking?"
"Well," Rachel paused, debating whether to tell him.
"What?"
"I shouldn't really say," Rachel winced.
"Hey, tell me," Joey protested, not wanting to miss any hot details.
"Well...ok, but you can't tell anyone! Monica would never forgive me."
"Oh," he pulled a slight face, realizing this was unlikely to be some hot story. He didn't really like secrets and he had enough on his plate with Chandler's most recent confession.
"Well me and Phoebe, we think Monica's having doubts."
"Doubts?" He asked confused. "About what?"
"About marrying Pete!" Rachel said exasperated as Joey's eyes widened, "What else this close to the wedding?"
"Monica's got doubts?" he asked, his mind thinking immediately about Chandler. How broken he was about this whole wedding; Joey felt some hope rise in him. If she didn't marry Pete, at least that gave Chandler time to talk to her. Gave him at least a chance to see if anything could work between them.
"She won't admit it," Rachel sighed causing Joey's hope to turn to unease. He couldn't tell Chandler based on Rachel's gossip; she was known to exaggerate. It had to be fact. "You know how stubborn she is. And it's not easy to cancel a wedding so close to the big day, trust me, I know."
"But she can't marry him if she isn't sure!" He protested passionately, hating the idea of both Monica and Chandler being miserable. "You need to do something!"
"Joey," she frowned at his overreaction. "Relax, we're working on it, ok? We can't force her not to marry him; it has to come from her. We're just trying to help her realize it."
"Well, try harder!" he protested causing her to frown again.
"Why do you care so much?"
"I just...I just don't want to see anyone hurt," he said honestly, Rachel still didn't seem convinced but let it go.
"Fine, well, I'll let you know if anything happens. If not I'll see you at 6 for the rehearsal dinner right? And remember not a word to anyone."
Joey nodded, still frowning as she left. Part of him was desperate to tell Chandler but it wouldn't be fair to him to give what could be false hope. What if he went for it based on what Joey told him and it wasn't right? What if he put all his feelings on the line only to have Monica turn him down and marry Pete. Would their friendship survive that? Joey couldn't be responsible for destroying Chandler and Monica's friendship. He couldn't imagine how devastated Chandler would be...he was hardly managing now.
No, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't say anything to Chandler just yet.
"Ok," Monica sighed into the phone, "No I understand, Pete, it's ok."
Phoebe sat quietly with her magazine, pretending not to be listening.
"Yeah, it's fine," she said, "I know that it's important and you're already taking time off for the wedding and honeymoon."
Phoebe exchanged a glance with Rachel who sat on the other end of the couch also pretending not to listen.
"Ok, yeah, love you too," she clicked off the phone and stared at it for a while.
"Every ok?" Rachel asked her, breaking her from her thoughts.
"Oh, yeah, it was just Pete."
"And…" Phoebe prompted, "what did he say?"
"Oh, he's just closing off an important business deal so I won't get to see him this afternoon."
"Oh," Rachel ventured, studying her roommate, trying to figure her out. "And?"
"And we were meant to spend some time together before the rehearsal dinner...which he might be late for."
"And?" Phoebe prompted. "He's a busy man, he's had to cancel lots of dates in the past."
"I know," Monica said quietly, biting a thumb nail.
"Mon?" Rachel asked.
Monica let out a heavy sigh before joining them on the large couch, "I was kinda thinking about what you guys were saying earlier,"she admitted to her hands. "And I thought if we spent some time together before the wedding it would reassure me. Remind me why I'm marrying him, but now he's cancelled…"
"So are you saying you're not sure?" Rachel asked carefully.
"I don't know!" she sighed, "I thought I was, really was, but now I don't know. I mean doesn't everyone get cold feet before their wedding?"
"Yes," Rachel said slowly "but there's cold feet and that serious feeling. They're different."
Monica nodded.
"Look," Phoebe suggested, "Pete didn't know how important this was to you. Why don't you go over to his and try and talk to him in between his meetings? Even 10 minutes might help you decide."
"Yeah," she sighed heavily; this was meant to be the happiest time in her life...what was going on? "Maybe I will."
She stood from the couch and grabbed her handbag and jacket.
"Are you going to be alright?" Rachel asked concerned. "Do you want us to come with you?"
"No," Monica said, "I'll be fine. Thanks."
She left, closing the door behind her but she didn't start her journey down the hall. Instead she stared at the green door opposite her. Maybe she should be talking with Pete but first she wanted someone else's opinion.
Chandler was her best friend. He knew her better than the others. Sometimes he even seemed to know her better than herself. He'd know what she should do.
Decision made, she pushed open the door without knocking, frowning when she saw only Joey there.
"Hey," he greeted, muting the tv and spinning the chair around to face her.
"Hi," she said and Joey could detect instantly that something was bothering her. Had Rachel been right? "Is Chandler here?"
"No," Joey told her carefully, still studying her, "he went into work."
"Oh," she said somewhat surprised, "but I thought he had the week off?"
He did, but he'd been going insane trapped in the apartment and had announced to Joey that he was gonna lock himself away in his office and try to distract himself with numerous files.
"They, uh, had to call him in," he lied. "Some emergency...with the WEENUS."
"Oh," she sighed, finding it ironic that both men that she wanted to, no needed to talk to were busy with work. "Nevermind then," she said sadly.
"Monica!" Joey stopped her, "You can talk to me if you want to? I've got like seven sisters."
She offered him a small smile of thanks, "that's ok."
Joey watched her turn towards the door, desperate for her to talk to him. If he knew something for sure then he could tell Chandler.
"Is it about the wedding?" He braved, wincing as she glared at him.
"Who have you been talking to?"
"No one," he said quickly, putting his hands up in defense. "I just noticed you seemed a little down for someone getting married tomorrow. Everything ok?"
"Yes," she lied, not wanting everyone talking about this. What if she went through with the wedding and then Pete heard? No, it wasn't worth the risk. Besides, she was going to go through with this wedding. "Everything's fine. If you see Chandler can you let him know I'm looking for him?"
"Sure," Joey sighed grimacing, "but I'm not sure how early he's gonna be back before the dinner."
"Oh," disappointed flooded through her. "Ok."
With that she left leaving a frustrated Joey. They were running out of time. It still wasn't enough to go on. He needed to be sure, he couldn't mess with his best friend's heart like that.
Chandler frowned at the paperwork in front of him as the numbers started to blur. He didn't want to be here. It wasn't helping take his mind off things. In fact it was worse because not being there meant he was imagining everything instead. Imagining her and Pete spending the afternoon together all smiley and cuddly as they joked about tomorrow.
He shuddered.
Groaning, he leaned back in his chair and let his head hit the back of it. He needed something to get out of this funk he was in. Something to stop his overactive imagination.
Alcohol didn't work, not being around her didn't work, nothing worked. He didn't want to go to this stupid rehearsal thing tonight. He'd have to sit there and listen to everybody around him talk about Monica and Pete again. He'd have to practice watching them get married and not to mention he'd have to endure that gut wrenching feeling twice in two days. No, he didn't need to sit through this nightmare twice.
Damn it, he hoped this would be the worst he could feel but he sincerely doubted it. He put his head down on the desk, unable to get the torturous thoughts out of his mind.
He stayed that way until somebody that had walked into his office called his name, "Hey man, I didn't know you were coming in today."
Chandler shook his head, "I wasn't. And I'm not being very productive anyway, so it's like I'm not here."
Nick stuck his hands in his pockets, his eyebrows furrowed together with concern, "You alright?"
He sighed, shaking his head again, "No, not really."
"Yeah, you don't look so good," the blonde haired man replied, "do you need to talk about anything?"
Chandler shook his head, "no thanks, I'll be fine," came Chandler's standard reply.
Nick took his hands out of his pockets, turning to leave his office, "alright, I'll let you get back to it then."
"You do that," he muttered as the door closed. Work people. As if they could help. As if anyone could help while he slowly lost his mind.
With a sigh he threw his head back in frustration and squeezed his eyes shut. Images of Monica flooding his head and he groaned trying to pull himself together. Just for one more day. If he could survive until this time tomorrow, then she'd be a married women. She'd be Mrs Becker, and as painful as that was, Chandler was praying it was the closure his heart needed.
Just one more day.
He pulled open his desk drawer and eyed the emergency cigarettes he kept there. He'd been able to resist until now but it was tempting. He stared at the box, it's shiny wrapper glinting in the bright office lights...just like Monica's ring did.
Chandler slammed the drawer shut and stared at it a moment longer, his jaw tensed as he tried to muster up all the willpower he had. If he used cigarettes as a crutch now he knew he wouldn't be able to quit again any time soon. The rehearsal dinner, the wedding morning, afternoon ceremony and evening reception; the honeymoon, Monica moving out….the future. It was all so freaking bleak; he'd stand no chance at quitting, so better not to start.
He glanced at his watch. He still had a few hours to kill but there was no point spending it here. It wasn't helping and the cigarettes being so close was a disaster waiting to happen. He needed air. Freedom. Anything.
Locking away the files that he had barely touched, he grabbed his coat and made a quick getaway.
"You're cutting it close," Ross commented as Chandler entered his apartment, "Monica's gonna have your head if you aren't ready in like," he glanced at his watch, "8 minutes."
"I'll be ready," he grouched, not pausing as he walked into his bedroom and started undressing.
"I'll meet you there," Ross shouted as he left the boys apartment to risk the hive of activity at the girls' place.
Chandler threw on the suit jacket, shoving his tie into his pocket, he could put it on in the cab. He fastened his belt and stuffed his feet into the overly shiny shoes. Leaving the laces undone, he rushed into the bathroom. Running a comb through his hair and wincing at his face in the mirror.
The last few months, weeks, days had been hard and were really starting to take their toll. As the wedding drew closer he wasn't sleeping too well, he was taunted by twisted dreams. Sometimes they were nightmares, and other times the dreams were sweeter than the bitter reality he woke up to.
He looked...haggard, worn down...defeated. His dull eyes looked back at him, less blue and less alive than he thought they had been before he fell in love with the woman he couldn't have.
With heavy sigh he left the bathroom to find Joey propped up against the kitchen counter. He was all dressed up but with a worried frown on his face which he guessed was because of him, "you ok, man?"
"Just peachy," he groused, bending to tie his laces. "I'm about to sit through a rehearsal dinner for a wedding that is killing me, so yeah, I'm fine, perfect."
"Chandler," Joey tried but his roommate shook his head.
"I appreciate it, Joe, I do, but nothing you can say right now is going to help make me feel any better, so don't bother, ok? I just need to get through this damn dinner."
With that he went to push past him but Joey reached out and grabbed his arm.
"You sure there isn't anything I can do?" he asked meeting his troubled eyes.
Chandler just shook his head grimly, "not unless you can turn back the clock and make me realize how much she meant to me before she got with Pete."
Joey offered him an apologetic smile, both knowing it wasn't possible.
"Just help me get through tonight," he asked quietly. "Just...just make sure I don't do anything stupid. That I manage to keep my dignity in front of everyone."
"Sure," Joey swallowed, hating seeing his friend in so much pain. He wished he knew what was going on with Monica. Was she doubting the wedding? Was she getting cold feet? He wanted to tell Chandler, and for a moment he toyed with the idea until he met the sad fragile eyes of his roommate. No, he couldn't risk Chandler's heart on maybes, it was delicate enough at the moment. False hope might crush him completely.
"I can do this, Joey," he promised gravely but determinedly. "It's gonna be one of the hardest nights of my life but I'll survive it."
"You will buddy," Joey agreed, patting his friend's shoulder.
Chandler rolled his shoulders back and let out a slow breath. He just had to man up and do this. With a nod he grabbed his wallet and keys and forced himself to leave the apartment.
He could do this.
A/N- thank you so much for all the reviews. We'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter..
