I really appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read and review. I know this is kind of a dark story, but I'm drawn to knowing the backstories, even if I have to make them up, and it helps to have encouragement.
When I finally broke up with Deacon for good, I didn't even do it face-to-face. He was in jail, again, and I had left him there, left him for Coleman to handle. I called Tandy and she came and helped me move every single thing of mine out of our house and into an apartment. It wasn't the first time I had left Deacon that last year, but it was the most permanent time. Every time before I would leave with a suitcase and a few days of clothes. Once I even took most of my things and stayed gone for a week. But I always left things behind. Not always consciously, but somehow I knew all the times before that eventually I would go back. Deacon was my heart, my breath, my soul. I could not break those bonds. Not for good.
He always knew I'd come back. He never made me feel bad about it; he always took responsibility for whatever he'd done that triggered me leaving. It was probably one of the things that made it so hard to leave him for good. Maybe if he had blamed me or hated me, I would have stayed away long before it finally happened. I never wanted to leave Deacon; it was always that I needed to leave him. I didn't realize how dark my life had become, how destroyed I actually was, until I left for good.
The last year I spent with Deacon was a roller coaster like nothing we'd ever experienced before. The reality was that, in many ways, Deacon was better than he had been in the past. He was sober more often and for longer. I think most of that was because he didn't have Vince to tempt him down the wrong path. Without that, he didn't hit the bars as often. But the lows were so much worse. When he felt guilty, when he hung out with Carmen, when life got tough, Deacon went into some of the blackest holes I'd ever seen him go into. What made it worse was that this was when he started to forget things. When he hit those lows, he often had no idea what had happened or where he had been or what he had done.
It was during one of those episodes that he ended up in jail, after getting into a fight with a bunch of bikers at a dive bar in a seedy part of East Nashville. He had dislocated his shoulder and, because jails aren't the best place to get good medical care, a doctor gave him painkillers. Deacon and I fought about that when he got home and he swore he wouldn't take them. Much later I found out that not only did he take the pills, but he found ways to get more. So not only did I have to deal with Deacon drinking, now I had to deal with Deacon taking pills.
I met Tandy for lunch one day in early August while I was on a short tour break. She hugged me tightly. "Sweetheart, I hate to say this, but you really look rough," she said, a concerned look on her face.
At first it pissed me off, but I realized that I actually felt pretty rough. I sighed. "There's just been a lot going on." I really hated to talk to her about Deacon, because she was not at all supportive of our relationship.
She raised her eyebrows. "With Deacon?"
I rolled my eyes. "Lay off, Tandy. I'm dealing with it."
She took a breath and looked away for a moment. When she looked back, she had a steely look to her eyes. "Listen, Rayna, I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to take a really hard look at your life with Deacon. He is dragging you down every time he gets drunk, every time he disappoints you in some way. People talk. People are talking."
"People? What people? You mean Daddy?" Daddy never let an opportunity go by without criticizing Deacon and calling him trash, unworthy of me. Even though Daddy didn't think much of me either.
"No, I don't mean just Daddy. I mean all the people we know."
I shook my head. "Those are not my people, Tandy. You know that. They've never been my people, so I don't really give a shit what they think about me or about Deacon." I glared at her. "I'm so tired of hearing you badmouth Deacon. I know he has his problems but he's working really hard at trying to get better. And I love him. I can't give up on him."
"Rayna, he has more than just 'problems'. He's a flat out alcoholic and he's the worst kind. One that can't seem to stay sober. How many times have you put him in rehab? Three?" She threw her hands up. "You're just throwing money away on him, babe. I know you're paying for it. I know you say you love him, but how can you love this kind of life? Never knowing if he's going to make it home at night or what he might do while he's out? What if he's out driving drunk and ends up killing somebody? Not to mention himself?" She reached for my hand. "I think you need to admit to yourself that he can't be helped."
I snatched my hand back. "No! I will never give up on Deacon. I can't give up on him." I could feel the tears and hear the catch in my voice. "He's all I have. He was there when nobody else was. I love him." I clenched my fists. "You need to stop this, Tandy, or I won't ever talk to you again." No one knew more than I did how beaten down I felt. I loved Deacon with my whole heart and giving up on him felt like such a betrayal, like the very thing that would tear my heart out. There were times when I wanted to turn my back on all of this because it was so, so hard, but I loved him too much. He was part of me, just like I was part of him.
Tandy sat back and looked tired. "Babe, I do understand how you feel about Deacon. But I worry about you. This kind of life is not what I want for you. Not knowing what's going to happen to him."
I knew Tandy loved me and I knew she wanted what was best for me. But, just like Daddy, she didn't really understand me. I wasn't a Belle Meade debutante. I lived for the music, just like Deacon. It was what had drawn us together in the beginning and it was the soundtrack of our lives. Even though I was successful, with a CMA and a couple of Grammys to my name, headlining arena tours, and selling millions of albums, it wasn't always a bed of roses life even in the best of times. Everything Deacon and I went through played out on the stage, through our songs and our music, and in the end, it was what always brought us back together. I couldn't imagine not doing that with Deacon. It was worth the tough times to have those golden moments. But even I knew that something had to change. I just wasn't sure I was ready for that yet.
I gave Tandy a small smile. "I know, babe. But you're going to have to trust me that I know what's best for me."
Tandy shrugged. "As long as you know you can always come to me. If you need me. I'll always be there for you."
"I know. And I appreciate it. But I'm fine." I'm pretty sure she didn't believe me. I wasn't sure I believed it either, but I wasn't ready yet to walk out the door.
It didn't take long before I was finally ready. The last few weeks of August, as we were wrapping up the tour, were tough. Deacon was struggling and he missed several shows. I had tried to be understanding, but I had finally had enough. I sent Bucky out to find him and I headed for the airport and flew back to Nashville. I found a small apartment in the West End and put down a deposit. I couldn't move in for a few weeks, but that gave me some time to get my life organized. I felt so defeated and I had a pit in my stomach as I thought about my next steps. I wanted to have a place to go that wasn't my sister's. I didn't know if or when I would actually move into the apartment, but I wanted it to be there if I needed it.
It was a one bedroom apartment. It had a little balcony off the living room. It was a nice place in a nice neighborhood, but still not too grand. One of the things I really loved about it was the window seat in the bedroom. The day I actually got the key, I went and sat on the window seat in the empty apartment and cried. I hated thinking about leaving Deacon, but I was so bone weary these days. Living with Deacon could be wonderful, but it could also be so hard and so painful.
When I got back to our house that night, Deacon was in good spirits and sober. It was times like these that I thought that I could never really leave him and that I would never move into that apartment. But I also knew, by now, that these days might not last, that tomorrow he could be drunk and angry. This night though was one of the special nights. He had picked up Chinese food and when I got home he kissed me sweetly and told me how much he loved me and how much I meant to him. I let him run his hands over me and then watched as he gently undressed me, stopping now and then to touch me in the ways he knew could get me to forget anything but how he was making me feel. I moaned as he leaned down to lick my nipples, swirling his tongue over them lightly, then blowing on them softly. He touched me between my legs and when he felt how wet I was, he moaned himself.
He looked into my eyes, his dark with desire. "Oh, God, Ray, I need you so bad," he murmured.
In answer, I stepped back, then reached out and undressed him like he had undressed me. Then I led him to the bed and pulled him towards me. We wrapped our arms and legs around each other and made love with a sense of urgency and need. When we were skin on skin it felt like we were one. If I could have talked about it at all, it would have been hard for me to have explained it. It was so much more than mere sex; it was the other way we spoke to each other, when we weren't doing it with our music. I knew I would never love a man the way I had loved Deacon, the way I still loved Deacon. I would never be as connected to another man as I was to him. It was hard to believe that I had known that when I was just sixteen, but I had known it then. Which made the thought of leaving him so achingly hard.
Afterwards, we curled up on the bed and he played for me. I would miss that so much, I knew. He played the song he had written for me right after we had met. I always harmonized a little, just because I couldn't resist singing with him, but this was his song and I let him take the lead.
Sittin' here tonight / By the fire light / It reminds me I already have more than I should
I don't need a thing, no one to call my name / At the end of the day / Lord I pray, I have a life that's good
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me / In a family that always calls me home
Four wheels to get there enough love to share / And a sweet sweet sweet song
At the end of the day / Lord I pray, I have a life that's good
I only wish it were as simple as it had been back in the beginning, when life really was that good.
A week later, Deacon was in jail and I called Tandy, asking her to come help me move my things. She wisely kept her opinions to herself that day, although I knew it was killing her not to tell me that she'd told me so. I fired Deacon from my band and told him then that I couldn't see him anymore. I had expected him to be angry, but he was just sad. My heart was breaking as I watched him walk away from me.
Two weeks later, Tandy set me up on a date with Teddy Conrad, even though I'd told her I didn't want to date anyone. But she wouldn't take no for an answer and so I went out with someone other than Deacon Claybourne for the first time in over ten years.
