Please not that there are some parts of this chapter that correspond to Chapter 4, but don't match. I will (eventually) change Chapter 4 so that the two line up perfectly. They do still line up, so hopefully, no one will be confused. And sorry for being a week late on the update, even though saying that doesn't make much of a difference as far as you all are concerned.
Chapter Seven: A Pranker's Point of View
Jean Havoc had woken up a few hours before his alarm clock would go off, and after tossing and turning, trying to fall back asleep, he finally gave up. Even though it was the weekend and he didn't have to go into work until later, he decided that since he was already awake, he might as well go in early and try to get a head start on the day's paperwork. After showering, shaving, brushing his teeth and attempting to tame his hair with a wet comb, he put on his uniform and headed towards his favorite café for breakfast and coffee.
After buttered toast, bacon, and eggs, he finished off his cup of coffee and ordered a second one to take to work with him. The coffee at HQ wasn't that terrible, but it wasn't exactly the best either. While sipping his coffee as he walked through the halls towards Colonel Mustang's office, he passed a soaking wet Maes Hughes.
"What happened to you, Lt. Colonel? It looks like you took a morning swim with your clothes on?"
Hughes looked at him, wearing an expression that was slightly less energetic than his usual one. "Roy got mad at me so I decided to help him cool off by pushing him into the fountain."
"Ah," Havoc replied, "but then why are you wet too?"
"He decided to pull me in along with him."
"O-kay. So why exactly was he mad anyways?"
"Oh, I'm not telling you that. I'm in enough trouble with him as it is, I don't need to go and dig myself a deeper hole by telling you what happened."
Havoc shrugged and said good-bye to the Lt. Colonel, and continued his way towards the office. When he was just around the corner from it, he could already hear the Colonel yelling about one thing or another. Since even adults need to be mischievous every once in a while too, he crept as close to the door as he dared to, eavesdropping on his superior officer.
"A simple yes or no will do, Lieutenant!" Whoa, wonder what's got the colonel in such a bad mood so early. He never snaps at Hawkeye like that.
"No sir, but I believe that there are a few downstairs in the women's locker room…" A hairdryer? What would he need a hairdryer for? From what I can tell about his mood right now, he'll probably just walk right in there without even fully realizing where there is… which means that he'll have to come out into this hall… which I'm standing in eavesdropping... Oh crap! I've gotta get out of here or else I'm toast- both literally and figuratively!
He looked back and forth, searching for a quick escape from the footsteps that were fast approaching the open doorway, when luckily for him, they stopped. Oh, thank goodness, they've stopped! I'll bet Hawkeye stopped him; after all, she's the only one who could, let alone dare, to try and stop him when he's like this. And he wouldn't have stopped on his own, uh-uh, not like this. No way, no how. I wonder what she'll do to him now…I hope it's good. (A/N: Havoc's evil side, revealed!)
"Sir, there is absolutely no way that I am going to let you waltz right into the woman's locker room. So instead, how about you just take a seat, hm? Now, would you mind telling me just what exactly you so desperately need a hairdryer for?" Yeah, really Boss, why do you need a hairdryer?
"Well, Lieutenant, in case you didn't notice, my gloves are wet-" They are? So I wouldn't have been toast… at least, not literally. "-and I would like to be able to use them in the near future." Hm, I wonder if the reason why he wants them so bad is so that he can go after the Lieutenant Colonel again.
Havoc tensed again as he heard the sound of a chair scooting back and the footsteps of who he assumed to be the colonel, before relaxing after realizing that this time, they were relaxed, and seemed to be headed further into the office, where the colonel's desk was located.
"Sir, you really need to-"
"I know, Lieutenant Hawkeye," he interrupted, sighing, "I wasn't thinking clearly, and of course I shouldn't go in there. Forgive me for even suggesting it. Say, why don't I go and get us some cof-" Oh no, he didn't. He didn't really just try to pull off an escape like that with her, did he? Oh boy, he's gonna get it real bad, right about…
"ROY MUSTANG!" … now. "I said it before, and I'll say it again. There is absolutely no way I am going to let you sneak into the women's locker room! And don't even think for a second that you can fool me with your little plans to sneak out unnoticed."
With the same curiosity that killed the cat, Havoc had poked his head around the corner, intent on witnessing this outburst. With Roy leaning forward on the front of his desk and Hawkeye facing towards him, neither of Havoc's superiors could see him. But that didn't keep him from almost getting caught. Now, Jean Havoc wasn't the type to give away a hiding place by accidentally making some sort of a noise, but the sight he was met with as he peered around the corner made an exception.
After his scolding, Roy sighed and lowered his head, admitting his defeat to the imposing woman standing just behind him, and revealing the hair at the base of his head that his hat had been covering.
It was the sighting of pink hair on his commanding officer that led Havoc to the difficult task of concealing the hysterical laughter rising in his chest. But as we all know, it is impossible to hold back such laughter without making some type of noise, and it was this noise that alerted the pink-haired man of his presence.
It was sheer luck that Havoc was able to catch a glimpse of his superior beginning to turn around, having had his eyes shut in an effort to fully contain his laughter. Just barely, and still shaking with suppressed laughter, he was able to pull his head back around the corner. He was safe, at least for now... or was he?
"Sir what is-" Oh no. She asking him if something's wrong, he must have caught a glimpse of me! Oh no, please no!
"What did you say before sir? I couldn't quite hear you." Oh, that's what she wanted. Unless... unless she's just trying to cover up what she started saying before so as to not tip me off! He really must have noticed me! Aw man, why didn't I just go back to bed this morning instead of coming in early?
"I said, do you hear something that sounds like one of second lieutenant Havoc's vain attempts at containing one of his extreme urges to laugh out loud? By the way, Havoc, that's your cue to come out of hiding and give your self up."
No longer having to worry about keeping quiet in order to stay hidden, Havoc was able to release his laughter, and it could be heard ringing through the halls before he even appeared around the corner, doubled over and using the walls as support.
"Colonel, you look… look… look…"
"Look like what Lieutenant? Go on, spit it out!"
Havoc had begun to calm down, but once again an extreme urge to laugh took hold of him, and tears began to stream down his face once more. How can he expect me to just say it out in the open? It's funny enough without having to say it out loud! If I did that, I don't think I could ever stop laughing!
The end of this laughing spree came much more quickly than the last had, stopping after less than 30 seconds. The cause of this abrupt stop was the glare Roy was giving Havoc, the worse glare the poor blond had ever witnessed, from him, at least.
Aw man, that look… I was right before, I never have seen him this angry. Maybe I should just tell him want he wants to hear? Even with those few princess-y touches, he still looks vicious. Guess I have no choice then. Well… here it goes. "Well- well, you l-look like a- a- a make-over that's gone horribly wrong!"
"Well, you got the horribly wrong part right."
Watching the glare on the face of the man before him change into a grimace, Havoc was slightly taken aback for a moment. Wait, is he serious? He really did have a make-over that went horribly wrong? Jeez, I was only kidding. There must be more to the story than just that...
Deep in thought, Havoc rose from his spot on the floor where he had first collapsed with laughter upon entering the room. Having had it just been explained to him, the appearance of his superior officer made sense. Now, all was left was to solve the problem. Okay, let's see here… so his hair was dyed from black to pink, right? So then why not just reverse the whole thing and dye his hair from pink back to black? No one will ever notice since his hair is naturally black, so he'll only have to dye it once instead of many times to keep the same color. Hey, maybe he'll even give me a promotion for solving this problem since he seems to be so upset about it!
"Hey colonel," he began, voicing his idea, "if your hair was dyed pink, then why not just have it dyed black again?"
At this proposition, Roy just stared at his subordinate. Why is eh just staring at me like that? Is it because he's shocked by the brilliance of my idea, or because he thinks it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard? Man, I wish he would just hurry up and say something; the suspense of not knowing is killing me!
Havoc's turmoil was soon broken as Roy finally started to respond to the idea, a look of what could be considered amazement still on his face. "Havoc-"Comeon already, is my idea good or not? "-that is the most brilliant idea I've ever heard! Finally, in all the years you've been my subordinate, you actually made a good suggestion! I mean… thank you Havoc, I hadn't thought of that."
…Hold on, did he just insult me? Oh well, what does it matter? He liked my idea! Now's my chance to ask about that promotion! "So, do I get a promotion for solving your-" he snickered at the wording he was about to use "-princess problem?
Uh-oh, Havoc thought as yet another glare was shot at him, maybe I pushed it a little too far.
"I wouldn't push your luck, Lieutenant. Just because my gloves are wet doesn't meant that I can't still make your career –and love life- a disaster. You might want to keep that in mind."
Heh, he's probably right. After all, he is me commanding officer, so he pretty much has the power to do anything he wants to my military career. And as much as I hate to admit it, he does have a better way with the ladies than I do. Although I don't see why he has to threaten my love. As far as I'm concerned, he already has made it a disaster, stealing all my girlfriends, then trying to make it up to me by setting me up with Major Armstrong's little sis, who ends up turning me down just because I'm not as muscular as her brother. But who could possibly be like the major- or want to be, for that matter.
He looked up from his thoughts, only to look away again in order too avoid the deathly death glare being given to a certain colonel by a certain sharpshooter. Roy may have built up a tolerance to those glares due to years of unfinished paperwork, but he, Jean Havoc, was a diligent little soldier, and did all of his paperwork on time, so he hadn't ever even gotten one of those glares before.
Concentrating on his sense of hearing rather than his sense of sight in an attempt to avoid the full force of her glare, Havoc was able to determine a few things about the situation as he slowly inched his way over to his desk and out of harm's way. First of all, it seemed as if the 1st Lieutenant agreed with his idea, and was beginning to put it into action. The purpose of the glare, which had sent Major Alex Louis Armstrong, the Strong Arm Alchemist, fleeing was to convince the colonel to cooperate under the threat of... well, he didn't know what, but that didn't really matter, because the threat was there.
After a little while, their arguing quieted down, and Havoc risked taking a peek. Seeing the colonel taking his coat from Hawkeye, he surmised that the danger had passed and began to relax. But it seemed as if he had relaxed too soon, because as soon as he had the colonel addressed him, remembering his presence.
"Havoc, I want you to hold things down here while we're gone. You can tell the other guys if they really want to know, but if Fullmetal comes before we get back, make up some other excuse for where we really are. And that's an order, so if I find out that you did tell Fullmetal, I will court-martial you without a second thought. I don't think you would like that to have to be your first court-martial, now would you?"
Damn, how did he know that I was going to tell everyone, especially Ed? At least he knew that it would be impossible for me to keep it a total secret and allowed me to tell at least someone. And he even threatened a court-martial. He seems to be doing that a lot lately; I think he just wants someone to finally get one. Hey, I wonder if he threatened Hughes with one, or if he was too angry to think of it?
"Don't worry sir, I will make sure to not tell Ed where you guys really are. You can count on me."
"Good." was his reply, and with that, the two officers walked out the door, leaving him to figure out a way to amuse himself. And to voice all thoughts out loud, because they always sound better that way, and since he was alone he didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing one of his devious little plots to prank the other guys. Yes, even lazy soldiers like him like to have a little fun every once in a while, even if it did require a bit of work.
"I wish Heymans were here, he always has the best ideas. Maybe sitting in the colonel's chair will help spark some ideas." As he was sitting at the desk of his CO, muttering ideas to himself, he didn't notice the three men that walked into the room.
"Let's see here, maybe I should set up some pranks around the office since I have so much time before everyone else gets here. First off, Falman... he does like being super organized, so maybe I'll just mix up all of the papers he sorted out yesterday for the meeting he's going to this morning. Or I could make up a fake document from the first library that they'd be happy to have him check the accuracy of all the encyclopedias, thanks for offering, and we'll see you at noon. That sounds like fun. I'd love to see the look on his face at that one, he would be so confused! Now what about Fuery... oh, oh! I know! I'll fill up a bucket with little bits and pieces of paper and put it on top of the cabinet, then dangle a string from it. He won't be able to refuse pulling it when he goes over to his precious technological gadgets that only he understands. And Heymans, he can't resist coffee, so I think I'll pour a ton of salt into his and set it on his desk so it's ready for him when he gets here."
"Don't you even think about messing with my coffee, or you'll pay for it."
Havoc, who had had his feet propped up on the desk, jumped at this, and being in a chair on wheels, proceeded to fall flat on his back when it zoomed out from under him. "Heymans, when did you get here? And why are you all here so early? What happened to these two?"
"Hmph, you should know, you're the whole reason it did happen."
"..."
"Okay fine, I'll explain it to you. Last night, you snuck into all of our dorms and set our clocks two hours early. Then you rigged Fuery's door so that yellow paint would fall on his head when he walked into the hall, stole Falman's contacts and left those embarrassingly hideous glasses instead so that he would be forced to wear them if he wanted to be able to see where he's going, and finally, you already put salt on my toothbrush so don't even think about putting salt in anything else that's mine, especially my coffee."
"...Oh. Did I do all of those things?"
"Yes!" all three men told him, thoroughly exasperated.
"Okay, if you say so... Anyways, I've got something to tell you about what happened to the colonel last night."
"Don't tell me you pranked him too? And not Hawkeye, please not Hawkeye, that woman's scary when she's mad."
"Yes, she was scary when she was here before BUT," he said before Heymans could cut him off again, "it wasn't my doing. Neither of them were, and let me tell you, the colonel? Well, he can really give Hawkeye a run for her money when it comes to being scary."
Ten minutes and four bets later, Havoc was running down the street that led to the salon the 1st Lieutenant went to. Thanks to Hughes, he now had the name and address of the place, and was nearly there when, Hey, is that the Elric brothers running towards me? Who cares about a court-martial, I know he's not serious. The colonel would never do that, and I'm sure Hawkeye would stop him... "Hey Ed! Al! Wanna hear what happened to the colonel?" With mirrored evil grins, the two ran towards each other, suit of armor shaking his head at them. "-sigh- Military men and their gossip. When will they learn?"
Okay, so now you've seen everyone's point of view and they've all caught up to each other. Let the story move on! Unless anyone has any ideas, the next chapter will most likely be the last. Thanks to E.Mahiru, whose prediction of Havoc telling Ed what happened sparked the idea for these past two chapters. Go read her stories, and EdElricFan1001's. Both are great writers, and have reviewed every chapter of this story. So, a huge thank you to them and to everyone else who has reviewed and followed my story.
Remember, reviews equal motivation for me, which equals a faster update. No more promises of when that will happen, I've learned my lesson.
