Chapter Seven: The Impasse
The unprecedented awkwardness of the moment lingered for far too long. The Doctor's mouth gaped as his mind searched not for an answer to Clara's question – the answer was all too obvious to both of them – but rather for words that would diffuse the tension. Clara hadn't moved a muscle since asking if she was the object of his affections. Her bewildered expression gave no indication of joy, rage, or anything in-between. All it did was beg for an explanation.
"Okay", the Doctor began, taking a deep breath. "I should have menti-
"Yeah, you really should have" Clara opined bluntly to whatever the statement would have been. She composed herself, brushing her hair out of her face and clearing her throat. Not only was this was going to be a long and difficult discussion, but Clara didn't even know what shape it was going to take. She genuinely didn't know whether she, right there and now, was going to break the Doctor's hearts or return his apparent love. That's what was surely going to make the exchange difficult.
"Right" she said at last, staring at the Doctor's coffee until she knew what to say to his face. "Just to be sure, this isn't some sort of weird outer space practical joke, is it? You really are telling me that you, of all people, have decided that you're in love… with me of all people? Of all the billions and billions-"
The Doctor raised a hand in silent protest. "No, don't- don't even say it. You're not just one random life out of a billion that happened to stumble across me and get a chance to see the universe, you are so much more. You're Clara Oswald! I've had so many travel with me, but the things I feel for you… it wasn't easy to admit it, but I haven't felt anything even close for centuries. I don't think anyone else could have ever pulled it off. I'm sorry if it makes you mad or anything, Clara, but I love you, I really do. Now that I've found you, and now that we're running together, I can't imagine spending one day without you".
Clara could do nothing but stare in disbelief as the Doctor vehemently justified his passion for her. Coming from another human being, the words would probably sound over the top or weird, but this was the Doctor. This was the wisest and loneliest man in the universe trying to convince her she was worth his love. Why on earth he thought it didn't matter, it was his genuine conviction. In a way, that was more incredible than Akhaten, more surreal than seeing the dawn of time, more breath-taking than taking a leap of faith into a wide, empty chasm. It was even enough to make Clara well up a little.
"Doctor…" Her voice was shaky, and she had to wipe her eyes and sniffle before attempting to talk again. "Doctor… that's beautiful. Really, you're so… I'm so flattered that you think that, though I can't begin to think why-"
The Doctor jumped in almost automatically. "How couldn't I? You're caring, you're brave, you're bright as a button, you love travelling as much as me-"
Clara's modest eyes widened. "Okay, I get it Doctor; you're going to make me blush…"
"-plus you're… well, kind of a little bit gorgeous, I guess…"
"And there it is!" A blushing Clara slapped a blushing Doctor on the hand in mock anger, and then reconfigured to continue the serious conversation. "Do you really mean all of that?"
"Of course I do. Cross my hearts! You're special for all those reasons, plus a load more that you… we haven't discovered yet", the Doctor summarised, definitely preferring to refer to them as a couple.
The smile on Clara's lips rose and fell as she struggled with her own feelings, her head desperately trying to make sense of them. "I don't know what to say, I really don't", she confessed. "I mean… this is massive! This changes us completely, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, but it changes us for the better… right?"
Clara, having now reached a conclusion, was silent.
The Doctor's face fell, but his gaze remained fixed. "Clara? Isn't this a good thing?"
"Doctor…" Clara started carefully with a quiet voice, "it's not that I don't think you're… I mean, you're so nice, you're funny, you're a genius, you obviously care about me a ton, and I'm not saying I don't think you're bloody brilliant, but…"
"But what?" Concern for the feelings of both parties was written all over the Doctor's face as he took Clara's hand. "Tell me."
Clara allowed her hand to be scooped into the Doctor's, somehow finding it a source of great comfort. "It's just… I've never ever told anyone I love them before, y'know, in that way. And I doubt I'll ever say it to anyone else after you, but you just have to let me…" Clara trailed off, unable to finish her sentence but having hopefully made her point adequately.
The Doctor was left confused and a touch impatient. "Let you what?" he asked, his inexperience in these affairs taking over. "It doesn't matter that you've never said… that before, does it? Just think how long it's been since I said it…"
"I know, and I know it was way harder for you to say, I do, but all the same… once you say it – once I say it – it's like its set in stone. No takesies backsies. I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet…" Clara squeezed the Doctor's hand apologetically.
"Sure you can", the Doctor implored her. "If you really feel it, then logically you can say it, can't you?"
Clara sadly shook her head while keeping eye contact. "I want to, but I can't right now".
"Because you don't want to?"
"No! Doctor, please don't be difficult…"
"I'm not being difficult, I told you exactly what I felt – I'm being easy!" The Doctor rubbed his eyes with his spare hand. "Oh, I'm sorry. I know it's a lot of pressure, and for once, I don't-"
"You don't know what to do" finished the sympathetic Clara. "It's okay; I'm hardly an expert myself…"
The Doctor gave a small nod to indicate his understanding of this, and took a deep breath. "So, you don't feel comfortable telling me that you lo-"
"Not right now, no", verified Clara, almost afraid to hear him say it.
The Time Lord sighed with begrudging acceptance. "Okay. I guess we'll… well, we'll just…. just pretend this never…"
Clara cut the Doctor's stuttering off as soon as a certain idea crossed her mind. An idea that, with a little luck, would make the tension of the situation all but dissipate. An idea that, in some ways, seemed like the most reasonable way to proceed. A fascinating idea that, being honest with herself, had crossed her mind a couple of times before while thinking of the Doctor.
"Actually Doctor, d'you know what I wanna do right now?" she asked him.
The Doctor's interest was re-piqued. "What's that?" he asked curiously.
"Honestly?"
"Yeah…"
Clara gave him an adorably cheeky, but adequately serious grin. "I want to get you back in that snog box".
The Doctor's eyes widened, his cheeks reddened, and his arms flailed. He was so focused on his emotional attachment to Clara that he had barely even considered the physical side of their relationship, if at all. It was an area in which he was even more inexperienced, even more inept, and even more uncomfortable. His gaze, which had wandered all over the place for a moment or two, slowly came to rest back on Clara.
"It's not a snog box" he finally reminded her, cocking an eyebrow.
Clara rolled her eyes. "Oh Doctor, even you can't be so clueless! You know this is as big a part of being a couple as all the lovely love-y stuff, yeah? And besides, didn't I hear you say that I'm 'kind of a little bit gorgeous'?" She tilted her head proudly, ever so slightly teasing the flustered Doctor.
He gawked a little and bit his lower lip, picturing the type of lusty relationship they could potentially have, but the Doctor still found himself unable to consent. "I'm sorry Clara, I don't… I mean, it took a long time just for me to accept how I feel about you, and I-I can't rush into all the… you know…" The Doctor made kiss-y gestures to cap off his defence, his words quickly failing him.
"I see!" Clara responded, more chirpily than expected. "So you're saying that you don't necessarily object to all the intimate stuff, but you're not comfortable going there right now?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying! Glad you understand!" the Doctor smiled, happy that Clara could be so reasonable.
"Oh, I understand alright", she smiled back with a hint of deviousness. "And you now understand why I can't tell you a certain something straight away, right?"
The Doctor made a face of a duped child. "Well, it's still not quite the same thing, is it? Sharing your feelings is always simple, but the way you lot like to kiss and… other things… it boggles the mind."
Clara gave a small laugh of both amusement and exasperation. "Wrong, chin - it's the making out and the 'other things' that lets you ease into a relationship. There's no mad rush to shout out your love right at the start, you know".
The Doctor didn't argue back, but frowned a little and folded his arms. "This isn't much fun at all, is it?"
"It could be!" Clara maintained, furrowing her eyebrows as the eyes underneath stared into the Doctor's. "All's you have to do is take me downstairs and show me how much you, ahem, love me", she said with a wink.
The Doctor was admittedly tempted, but still ultimately felt too uncomfortable. "Not until you tell me you love me", he said with as much authority as he could muster.
Clara thought for a moment, and gave the Doctor a game look. "Deal!"
"Hm? What's a deal?"
"Friendly wager. You're the most amazing bloke in the universe, but you're still a bloke, and I'm confident you'll be ready to snog me before I'm ready to say… hm hmmm hmm". Clara sealed the deal by using the Doctor's own 'I dare you' face against him.
The confused Doctor attempted a summary of Clara's proposition. "So instead of being supportive and helping each other to overcome our issues, we're supposed to make this like a power play?"
"Mhm. It's called relationships, dear" Clara smiled, amusing herself.
"Well I'm sorry, but it sounds unhealthy, nonsensical and just plain exciting", the Doctor frowned.
"So you're in?" Clara prodded, outstretching her hand.
The Doctor flashed a competitive smile. "In to win, Oswald".
With those words, the bet was on. The two soon-to-be lovers two shook hands, and despite the air of competition that now existed between them, neither let go until they reached the TARDIS.
-Next Chapter: Love and the Doctor-
