-XX-
My Only Wish
Chapter Seven
Austin Tucker is a big fan of the holidays.
He isn't so sure about how Summer goes on and on about the birth of Christ, the savior of the world, or how to answer people when they ask him about his plans for Christmas. All he knows is that he feels a giddy, childlike excitement when he sees his breath in front of him and hears the crunch of snow beneath his boots. It's always a welcomed change when people become less gymnastics-obsessed and loosen up once the days till Christmas dwindle.
This is Austin's first Christmas at the Rock and it bugs him to no end that everyone is being so weird. Austin has pinpointed the unease and has found one Payson Keeler as the eye of the storm of awkward. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like it one bit and intends to get to the bottom of it. He also might hope that doing this for everyone could possibly get him off the Naughty List (because his name is so at the top).
Seeing Payson not training (what a shocker) and on her phone instead, Austin creeps up behind her and strains his ears to listen in, trying to find some clues as to why she's acting so strange lately.
Austin always saw Payson Keeler as this fierce gymnast with an eye on gold that let nothing get in the way of her focus. Austin wouldn't even dream of trying to get in her way or bugging her for the fun of it because of all the people who deserved victory, it's Payson Keeler. That's why it's so odd to see her like this, using her iron resolve to stop her training instead of catapulting further, getting closer to the Olympics. She's always been interesting to him, but she's been less discrete about it, especially now, screaming into her phone.
"No, Keeler, do not apologize to him!"
Austin laughs to himself, but it's soft enough as to not blow his cover.
Shit. Payson's crazy. She's talking to herself.
"Okay, I admit that sexting him probably just made things worse, but you didn't do anything wrong. You're right for calling Nick out on his shit," she continues. "No. Don't confront him about it. Don't talk to him. Don't even look at him. Avoid him at all cost. And stop saying that. It'll pass. It always does with me and him."
Austin's face twists in confusion. Who could she possibly be talking to?
"Um, yeah, Keeler, if I could snap my fucking fingers and be Kelly Parker again then that's what I'd do," she says. Now Austin is really confused. She starts manically snapping her fingers just to make her point. "Hear that, Payson? Snapping. My. Fucking. Fingers. I'm still you. You're still me. It sucks, but we just have to figure out some way to deal."
Austin has heard enough. He leans back against the wall, trying to make sense of what he's heard. Austin entertains the idea of going to find Sasha and suggest that maybe Payson has taken a critical blow to the head and is suffering severe brain damage, delusions, some legitimate explanation like that. For one, the girl is talking to herself, convinced she's Kelly Parker and strangest of all, wants to be Kelly Parker.
The hell?
While Austin continues to lean there, Payson – or who he thinks is Payson – walks across the room and doesn't even acknowledge him as she does. It isn't like he spends a lot of his time watching Payson Keeler and memorizing the way she walks, but there is something odd about it. He's noticed that Payson almost tiptoes around (especially around Sasha), but lately it's been more of an overconfident strut even if she doesn't have anything to show for it.
Now that he thinks of it, her newfound way of walking does remind him of that Denver girl from the Christmas party. Kelly Parker.
"Shit," Austin curses beneath his breath. "I'm losing my mind."
He knows he should report this Sasha. Instead of overthinking or even considering some crazy notion, Austin could wash his hands of all of this insanity right now. However, there's something deep within him, an instinct, that's telling him something is really off here. Telling Sasha is probably what Austin should do, but it isn't what he's going to do.
There's only one way to find out.
Austin grabs his leather jacket and nearly runs to the front door.
"Hey dude, you want to spot me?" Carter asks, but Austin just blazes right past him.
"Actually, there's something I need to take care of," Austin says. "Cover for me, will yah?"
"No offense, bro, but I doubt anyone would even notice. They're all still scratching their heads over the Payson situation," Carter explains.
Right. While everyone is scratching their heads, Austin is going out and doing something about it.
-XX-
Kelly tells her not to do anything about Nicky and so Payson doesn't.
After sleeping on it, she still doesn't understand. The roller coaster to relationship metaphor is used so much that it's probably a cliché, but Nicky and Kelly's "friendship" is that multiplied by a thousand. From what Payson has heard, their good moments are sweet, high up in the sky, the things fairy tales are built upon, but their bad moments are like a gut-wrenching plummet off a tall cliff. Payson doesn't get why they do it, but she's pretty sure neither could quit even if they tried.
Training at Denver Elite that next morning is an isolated one. A part of Payson has been expecting Nicky to be waiting out by her parking space, ready with an apology, but that doesn't happen. He ignores her so in turn, Payson ignores him. It's like a reverse game of Chicken where they see who can last the longest away from each other instead of going head-to-head. Something tells her this is just another one of their routines.
During their lunch break, Nicky is nowhere to be found. Standing near the water cooler, Payson sees the two girls from the first day (she thinks Kelly referred to the unstable blonde as Jenna and the bitch-looking one as Stephanie). They're eyeing her and giggling. When girls start to do this, Payson usually tries to avoid any actual face-to-face confrontations. Then again, before coming here, she didn't have to worry about milkshakes thrown at her.
Payson walks out the front door for some fresh air and to dodge the girls, wearing her thick jacket loosely. Out of all the things that could hace possibly happened, running into Austin Tucker is the last on her list, but somehow actually happens. They pause short of bumping into each other and he looks just as surprised to see her, as she is to see him.
"Austin Tucker," Payson says. "What are you doing in Denver?"
"I'm here to see you, actually," he says smoothly. "Kelly Parker, right?"
The way he says Kelly's name makes Payson instantly uneasy as she pulls her jacket tighter around her slim form. It's like he has a secret or worse, knows their secret.
"What would you want with me?" she asks suspiciously.
Austin smirks. "Just to talk."
"About what?"
"You ask a lot of questions," he observes. Wearing that carefree, intrigued smirk of his, Austin starts to slowly circle her much like a shark would. "Here. I've got some questions of my own. What would you say about a little word association?"
Payson narrows her eyes. Now she definitely knows something isn't right.
"I say you should probably be back in Boulder training," Payson says firmly.
Despite her authoritative voice, Austin doesn't look like he's taking her seriously.
"Wow, Parker, it almost sounds like you care. That isn't very you is it?" Austin says. Now Payson feels like he's just toying with her and she's desperate to know what he knows. "Just humor me and I'll get out of your face. I'm going to say something and all I want you do to is say the first thing that comes to your mind. Okay?"
Payson nods. "Sounds easy enough."
"Emily Kmetko."
"Quiet."
"Kaylie Cruz."
"Sweet." Payson mentally curses, hearing her slip-up. "Wait, I mean—"
"Too late," Austin says quickly. "Lauren Tanner."
"Bitch."
"Wrong. Wrong. And close, but still wrong," Austin says. "For Emily, yeah, she's quiet, but Kelly Parker, the girl from the Christmas party, would have probably said in-over-her-head or mute or simply 'who?' And Kaylie – something like undeserving, definitely not sweet. And Lauren…well, bitch was right, but your tone was wrong, like you were trying to tell me what I wanted to hear and not actually meaning it. You're not much of an actress are you, Keeler?"
"No. Not at—" Payson blinks. "Wait. What did you just call me?"
"So it's true," Austin says. "Just like I thought."
Payson's eyes widen. "Y—you know?"
"I had a hunch," Austin says. "Actually, I overheard you or, err, Kelly talking to herself, or, well, you on the phone. At first I thought Payson Keeler went ape shit crazy, but then the more I listened, the more I started thinking about it. I just put the pieces together, but I needed to come here and see you for myself before deciding anything."
"Why did you care so much to drive all the way out here?" she questions.
"More curious than anything. I just couldn't let it go and I probably would have kept thinking about it if I didn't come out here and do some digging around," Austin says. "Damn Payson. It's really you in there?"
"Yeah," Payson says. She slowly nods up and down, looking into his eyes. "It's really me."
Still eyeing her suspiciously, Austin slowly reaches in and touches her cheek. Payson is certain that if she were in her own skin, her face would be bright red. She inwardly prays that Kelly Parker's slight tan can combat the all-consuming blush. There's something about his touch, so unexpectedly tender. It grabs something deep in her and Payson struggles with whether it's actually her feeling all of this or Kelly's body reacting this way.
"C'mon," Austin says. "Let's go for a walk."
"I hate to state the obvious, but it's snowing," Payson points out.
A giddy expression captures Austin's handsome face as he looks out and sees the snowflakes drifting down, covering the windshields of the cars parked in the lot. He makes it seem like it's the first time he's ever seen snow, but that couldn't be. It's been snowing all week now.
"Look at that," Austin says, holding his hand out to catch the falling snow on the tips of his fingers. "Even better. A walk in the snow. It's what all those cheesy, lovey-dovey Christmas songs are made of."
He gives her this look and Payson feels so weak so suddenly.
"I don't know," she says, pulling herself together and burying these feelings that threaten to take over and render her bumbling and speechless. "Um, the lunch break isn't that long. Marty is going to freak if I'm not right back in there when I should be."
Austin rolls his eyes. "I think Marty throwing a hissy fit is the least of your worries right now. Plus, when we get all of this cleared up, you're going to need to do some major and I mean major damage control with Sasha. A little coach drama for Kelly would only even the scoreboard."
"Wait," Payson says. "Did you just say we?"
"I'm willing to lend my assistance, yeah," Austin says. "As long as you tell me everything."
"You really want to know everything?" she asks.
"Oh, I'm just dying with curiosity," Austin replies.
"Alright," Payson says. "Don't say I didn't warn you."
Payson pulls up the zipper of her parka and they start to walk down the sidewalk. She shoves her hands into her pockets as they walk side by side. Payson stares down at the mixture of dirt and snow beneath her boots while Austin stares up at the snow flurries overhead. Payson starts from the very beginning, telling him about the Christmas party, waking up as Kelly Parker and the Freaky Friday theory being the only thing they have to go on.
As Payson talks, Austin looks at her with a completely focused expression. He nods from time to time and asks questions, letting her know that he's serious about helping in any way that he can. They walk a few blocks and turn right back around, heading to Denver Elite with melted snow caked to the bottom of their shoes and in their hair.
"So you wanted to be a power gymnast again," Austin says for clarity.
"Right. It was stupid," Payson says quickly. "But it isn't like I actually thought it'd come true."
"And how's that working out for you?"
"It's nice," Payson says. "It's nice to feel so powerful again and in control. Then again, with Kelly's status as a power gymnast comes Kelly's life and Kelly's baggage. She's a lot more…complex than I thought and she has her own way of dealing with it and it isn't the easiest to imitate. I could really do without that."
"So you'd give it all back if you could?" Austin asks. "You'd go back to being an artistic gymnast?"
"If it means having my life back, being with my family and friends again then yeah," Payson replies. She doesn't think she's ever been surer of anything in her life. "I'd take back that wish in a heartbeat."
"Sounds like a lesson learned to me," Austin says.
"Me too," Payson says, "But still no switch back."
"Well, maybe Kelly is yet to hold up her end of the bargain," Austin suggests.
Payson winces. "So is she ruining my life?"
"I don't know about ruining. I mean, it isn't like she can just turn off Kelly Parker and be you like there's some switch or something," Austin says, "But she refuses to be an artistic gymnast so she isn't training and Sasha doesn't know how to deal with her, because, well, she isn't you. He blames himself for 'you' practically quitting gymnastics. Plus, he's already preoccupied. Beals practically has his balls in her purse these days."
"And everyone else?"
"Kaylie is worried. So is Em. Lauren is super on edge for some reason, but I haven't seen or heard of any recent girlfights in the locker room," Austin says, staring at her hard. "Holy crap. It still blows my mind that I'm talking to you right now and the girl that's been moping around the Rock is actually Kelly trapped in your body. Wow. I feel like I'm losing my mind."
"Tell me about it," Payson says. "Kelly says we just need to ride this out, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I'm obviously not fooling anyone and I feel like I get crazier and crazier every day."
They end up right where they started and Austin lays his hands on her shoulders, making Payson face him.
"Hey. Relax," he says soothingly, rubbing his glove-clap hands up and down her arms. "It's going to be okay. You aren't crazy. I'm going to make sure you get right back where you belong. It's Christmastime, Keeler. All you've got to do is believe that everything will work out and it will."
Before Payson can respond, Austin wraps his arms around her in an unexpected hug. Her face meets his chest and he holds her tight. At first Payson is a little uncomfortable, but then she finds herself leaning in and hugging him back. Austin is the one person who knows her secret and sees her for her (aside from Kelly who would never hug her in a million years). She's been unconsciously craving this sort of understanding and now she's finally found it.
As they remain there, hugging out in front of Denver Elite, neither realizes they have an audience. Nicky gives them one last glance through the window before he disappears back inside.
-XX-
Kelly Parker knits. It's her personal form of therapy.
After getting back from that horrendous attempt at ice-skating, Kelly had been rifling through the hallway closet, looking for the First Aid Kit, when she found the knitting needles and yarn tucked away on a shelf like buried treasure. Such a find had made Kelly almost completely forget about how she spent the evening on ice, clinging to the side on shaky legs, looking like a cat trying to avoid a tub of water. At this point, Kim was extra concerned and Kelly had an even harder time ignoring them.
Sitting on Payson's bed before dinner, Kelly holds the needle with the stitches on it in her left hand and the empty needle in her right. She slips the tip of the right-handed needle into the first loop, from to back to front, loops the yarn over, turns the stitch, finishes the stitch and repeats. It's the knit stitch, the most basic pattern in the knitting world and also the first pattern she had ever learned.
Knitting helps her in the same way that gymnastics does. It keeps her hands busy and in a state of constant motion. It helps her concentrate all her attention and focus all her energy on one task and tune everything else out. If Kelly didn't do gymnastics or knit, she probably would have be driven mad by her racing thoughts and impulses long before that shooting star came into her life.
"Payson, what are you doing?"
This is exactly what she needs. Apparently being alone is unheard of in the Keeler house.
Stopping her work, Kelly looks over at the door and sees Becca standing there with a kind smile. Kelly has the urge to snap at the young girl, but for once she doesn't. Kelly can say all the cruel and nasty things that she wants, but something tells her that it's useless. There's no way of scaring off Becca Keeler. Kelly wonders if Payson knows how devoted her little sister is to her.
"Why, Becca, what does it look like I'm doing?" Kelly asks as sweetly as she can. She can't resist the sarcastic bite to her voice, but at least she's making an effort for once.
"It looks like you're imitating grandma," the younger teen teasingly replies.
"Thanks," Kelly says dryly.
Instead of walking away, Becca goes to sit on the edge of the bed and watches intently as Kelly's fingers start to move again. She's done this stitch pattern so many times before that she has the directions committed to memory. Kelly doesn't even have to think about what she's doing. Her fingers just move automatically in such a precise, soothing rhythm that never changes. Oh, if only life were as neat and simple.
"What are you making?" Becca asks.
"A garter stitch scarf," Kelly replies automatically. "It's the most basic pattern because it only involves the knit stitch, easy and quick. Helen Keller could probably do it."
"Where did you learn how to do this?"
Kelly shrugs. "I just did."
Her therapist had shown her how. After multiple session of no conversation whatsoever, no working through issues, but an effective waste of her father's money, her therapist had bought Kelly her very first set of needles and yarn. The therapist had taught her how to use knitting as a healthy method of expelling her energy and working through her anger.
Therapy sessions became knitting lessons. Her therapist had hoped Kelly would loosen up and maybe even open up. However, damaged and detached Kelly Parker still refused to talk about her family and why she does the things she does and says the things she says. She walked away from therapy, still clinging tight to her baggage, but mastering a pretty badass winter watermelon hat pattern.
However, all of that isn't something Kelly is about to tell innocent little Becca Keeler, the girl with the perfect family and the innocent eyes. Becca would never understand. Apparently she has a mother who gives a damn and they tell each other everything. Kelly can't remember the last actual face-to-face conversation she had with her mom. That's probably something she should have told the therapist, but didn't. She couldn't.
"Well, I think it's pretty cool," Becca says, always so bright and upbeat.
No grandma joke? No calling her weird? Kelly is surprised to say the least.
"Really?"
Becca nods. "Really."
"Cool," Kelly says. She continues to work on the scarf while Becca looks on in sheer fascination. Kelly clears her throat, getting this feeling that she should probably say something even if she doesn't know what or why. "By the way, Becca, I know I've been acting…strange and I just want you to know that I never purposely tried to hurt your feels or whatever. It's just…lately…"
"Payson, you don't have to say anything," Becca says. "I get that you have a lot going on. It's okay. With what you've been through, I really don't blame you."
"Wow. You have no idea how right you are," Kelly says exasperatedly. "So we're cool?"
"Of course," Becca responds. "We're sisters. I don't think we have a choice."
They share a smile and Kelly continues to work on the scarf with burgundy yarn. She then suggests Becca put on some Christmas music and the young teen does so with such a bright smile on her face. Becca softly sings along with Payson's iPod and Kelly might have even found herself humming the tune at one point.
Eventually, Kim calls them downstairs for dinner and Kelly puts her project aside. It still baffles her how after all the arguments they've gotten into over the last few days, Kim doesn't look at her like she's a disappointment or a monster. Kim looks at her with concern and it's fairly obvious that Kim holds back and lets her make her own decisions and her own mistakes. It's like every time they're around each other, Kim gives her a new chance and doesn't hold the past against her. Kelly is baffled, but appreciates it nonetheless.
Seeing this and feeling almost guilty, Kelly doesn't pick a fight. Not tonight. She does everything in her power to be agreeable and doesn't say a word when Kim and Becca grab at her hands when it comes time to say grace. At one point during dinner, Becca starts bragging about how her sister is an amazing closet crafter and in return, Kelly says that Becca's round off is coming along nicely. Hearing such praise, Becca looks over at Kelly with such admiration. She doesn't think anyone has ever looked at her like that, like she could be a role model.
After dinner, they finally decorate the house and this is something Kelly considers herself an expert at. She hangs ornaments, lines the staircase banister with garland, hangs stockings in birth order and arranges Kim's Christmas collectables on the mantle over the fireplace. Kelly feels so in her element. This is something she can control unlike so many other things that have suddenly sprung up in her life.
As Kim and Becca brew a batch of hot chocolate with The Christmas Shoes playing in the background, Mr. Keeler – Mark – gently takes an angel tree-topper out of a box. It's a beautiful piece with a porcelain face, wavy brown hair, a white, flowing dress and golden wings, covered in head to toe in glitter. He hands it to Kelly and directs her to the very top of the tree. Standing on the tip of her toes, Kelly places it and turns in circles, admiring the festive surroundings.
Kelly feels a hand on her shoulder and looks over to see Kim smiling at her. It isn't until then that Kelly realizes she's been smiling the entire time. It may not be her usual setting, but if Kelly is being completely honest with herself, being in the Keeler house, surrounded by such caring, wholesome individuals is something she's fantasized about ever since her parents' divorce. The only thing she's missing is Nicky and without him, nothing is perfect.
A/N: Whether it's a good thing or a bad one, this story is so close to being finished! It's such a pleasure to write. Special thanks to CSIdestiny, Romance Novel and Shootapsky for reviewing, but I've got much love for my lurkers too. I told my dad I want giftcards for Christmas (because the thought of him shopping for me is close to a nightmare), but after subjecting him to watch MIOBI with me since I go to see his precious Yankees with him, I having a feeling I'm getting MIOBI s1 on DVD. I will literally LMFAO hard if it happens.
As always, review?
xoxo
