Chapter 7

After things had calmed down, Luke returned to the diner and I cleaned up. Jess and I were going to go to my house to pick up some clothes. Rather than walk, Jess drove us. When we got to my house, he and I walked together to my room, and he sat on my bed while I loaded my backpack with schoolbooks and a small duffle bag with some clothes and other necessities. In under a half hour, Jess and I were back in the car for the short drive back to the diner. Jess was carrying my bags when we were stopped.

"Rory," growled Dean, "What are you doing with him?" He was a good actor; he looked like he was hurt, rather than angry.

"Dean, back off." Jess replied coolly. "Leave her alone."

"You slut! You really are cheating on me!"

"I'm not cheating on you, Dean!" I exclaimed. "I'm doing nothing wrong!"

"Shut up, slut." He turned to Jess. "For your sake, I hope getting ass isn't as hard for you as it is for me."

Jess turned red with anger, and began shaking. He dropped my bags, and I put my hand on his chest. "Jess, no, calm down."

Before I knew what was happening, Luke's voice boomed, "Get the hell away, Dean, or so help me God, I will destroy you." Then, I became the one to shake. Luke could be terrifying when he wanted to be; even though I knew he was trying to help me, I was scared that I could somehow become on the receiving end of that anger.

"Rory, it's okay," Jess soothed. He had gone from angry to calm in seconds, putting his strong arms around me. "Luke isn't going to hurt you."

"Rory, I could never hurt you, I…" Luke trailed off. "I just want to help…" He felt horrible for scaring me, and I felt like dirt for being scared.

"I'm so sorry Luke, I know you wouldn't hurt me, I don't know why I'm so scared," I whispered.

Dean was standing there, watching us until Taylor stuck his head out the market's door and yelled at Dean for being on break too long. His parting words were, "Just remember that I always get revenge, bitch."

Jess picked my bags back up, took my hand, and led me upstairs. Luke softly told him not to worry about work until things got squared away with me. I felt bad, but I was thankful that I would have him with me. If Jess hadn't been there when Dean came around outside, I don't know what would've happened.

"You okay, Ror?" Jess asked once they sat on the small couch. I simply nodded, looking at the floor. "You don't need to be afraid anymore." He pulled me over so I was leaning against his chest, with one hand on my back, and the other resting on my arm.

I would have done just about anything to cut right then. It was the only way I knew to deal with things. There was no way for me to get any access to blades, though, without Jess present. The lack of control I was feeling was starting to make me panic.

"Ror? What's going on? You're breathing faster than normal, are you okay?"

Pulling away from Jess, I stood up. "I just need to… I don't know. I'm sorry. I just… Fuck!" At first, I was quiet, but in the end, I just yelled, kicking my backpack. It didn't go very far because of the weight of the books.

"Rory," Jess stood up and put a hand on either shoulder. "Rory, it's okay. How can I help you?"

Without thinking, I shoved him away backing away from him until I bumped into the kitchen table mumbling over and over, "I can't." I turned around and then ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Looking through the medicine cabinet, I found nothing. Under the sink, nothing. There was one razor, sitting on the edge of the tub. Grabbing it, I tore the plastic safety cover off, and began working my thumbnails under the edges of the cartridge keeping the razors in place. Within three minutes, I had the four blades free, and I was digging one into my arm. Tears were running down my face in streams, but I was feeling so much relief even from just the one cut, and I slowly lowered myself to the ground, my back propped up against the wall. Jess was trying to coax me into opening the door, but I was too focused on cutting to notice. I made one, then two, then three, then four more tears in my skin. In the past, I had always cut my thighs in order to better hide my wounds. Today, my forearm was easily accessed, and I needed instant relief. It was nothing like I had ever experienced before.

I watched as the blood ran down my arm, dripping from my fingertips onto the linoleum floor. It was sick how much this helped me. Somehow, I had been so focused on getting my relief that I didn't notice that Jess had stopped coaxing from the other side of the door; the next thing I knew, he was kneeling on the floor next to me, taking the blade out of my hand.

"No, Jess," I protested. "I need that!" He didn't respond, and instead gabbed a clean towel from under the sink. He wrapped my cuts, putting pressure on them hoping to stop the bleeding. "Jess." I said firmly, and his eyes met mine. "I'm fine." I unwrapped the towel and looked at my cuts. For the amount of blood that had come out initially, I was surprised by how shallow they seemed.

"What are you doing?" Jess asked evenly.

"Please just give me a few minutes, Jess? Please?"

Jess sighed, but didn't know what else to do. He kept the blade and slowly left again. I was thankful the others had ended up hidden under my legs when I sat down. Rather than make new cuts, I retraced the five that adorned my arm. After about five minutes of watching the cuts bleed for a while before making them deeper and longer, I stood up. I hid the remaining blades in different areas throughout the bathroom, so I would have access to them when I needed them. They each had a different spot, though, in case Jess looked. I also buried the broken pieces of the razor in the garbage can that only had empty hair product containers in it.

Pulling my sleeve down, thankful for the thick, maroon fabric, I stepped out of the bathroom. "I'm sorry," I said, embarrassed.

"Did you clean them? Bandage them?" Jess asked, ignoring my apology.

"I'm fine. Thanks, Jess."

"Let me see."

I was astounded. "What?"

"Show me that you've taken care of your cuts, Rory." He sounded frustrated, and that made me nervous.

"You saw more than you needed to." My voice sounded weak in my protest. It was bad enough he had seen me before, and took my blade away; was it really necessary for him to see that I'd caused even more damage?

"Damnit, Rory." He was being extremely firm now, and I backed away.

"I… I'm sorry…" I couldn't stop shaking. "I'm sorry, Dean." I said, sliding my back down a wall, prepared for the punches to start rolling.

"Rory," Jess said softly, coming closer. "Rory, I'm not Dean, I would never hurt you." It broke his heart to see the scene before him.

"He always used to tell me that…" I whispered. "That I was his everything, and he couldn't ever hurt me. But then he changed. I don't want you to change like that. I can't be here. I need to go home."

"Rory, please stay here… Just until your mom gets home, then you can go back, but I'm scared about what might happen if you go home now."

"I don't want this, Jess… I want…" I stopped. I knew I couldn't finish that sentence.

"What do you want?" Jess asked, trying to look me in the eye. I looked away.

"Nothing. It's nothing." After a short silence, I asked, "Can I take a shower?"

"Yeah, of course… Clean towels are under the sink, you can use whatever you want." Jess looked perplexed by my sudden request, but rolled with it.

"Thank you." I went back into the bathroom, locking the door again.