Rating has gone up for a not PG love scene.
IIIII
And we've learned that life is one big game
Where the winners are all getting paid
So stop dragging your feet behind
IIIII
As the days passed Chase could feel his insecurities begin to rise and fall with every couple of hours. For one moment he would feel as though he could take care of Cameron and their child but in the next he dreaded having to worry about another human of which he was responsible for. While his father had been around sometimes he never had much of a father figure.
What did it mean to be a father? Chase had seen movies where the father's would tuck their children in at night, take them out to the zoo, or watch a simple Disney movie with them. He hadn't had many special moments like those with Rowan - he had been more withdrawn as Chase grew up. He could count how many times Rowan told him 'I love you' on one hand. It was sad to say but true. He needed a better example than that.
Chase was sure Cameron could read his actions pretty well. She was spending more time trying to get him to go out with her but he wanted to stay home. For no reason he felt as though he should stay home and clean. It was always a nervous habit of his and he knew that he shouldn't let it get carried away. Staying in an already clean home just for the purpose to scrub the kitchen counters just one more time is when he knew things were getting worse.
He considered seeing a psychiatrist. He hadn't seen one since he was a teenager - after the police suggested he talk about the abuse Lillian had dealt out. Chase never wanted to talk about it. He refused to and it was a moment of courage just to tell Cameron of it.
Finally Chase gave in when Cameron hit her seventh month of pregnancy. She was no longer wanting to go out, having pains and aches, along with mood-swings so she did not argue any longer about him staying home as much. He, of course, recognized it and wanted to change it. What kind of father would he be so his son/daughter if he sat at home all day feeling sorry for himself?
He didn't dare visit a psychiatrist from Plainsborough because he would never hear the end of it. He was supposed to maintain his image of the cute doctor supporting his pregnant girlfriend. How could he do that when he was seen going up the elevator to the third floor?
Instead he called a well-known psychiatrist, Mrs. Ollen, and scheduled an appointment for Saturday at 8:00 in the morning. That way he didn't have to miss work.
When Friday rolled around and Chase told Cameron where he would be leaving to she seemed pleasantly surprised. "I'm glad that you decided to confront your problems, Chase," She said sounding worried. "I was beginning to sense you were withdrawing yourself again."
"That's the last thing I want to do," He told her.
"Are you going to discuss Lillian with her?" She asked in a whisper so no one else in the hospital cafeteria would hear her.
Chase felt his stomach churn. "I don't know. Probably not."
"Then why are you going?"
Oops. "I have some things I have to deal with," He said as vaguely as possible.
"What things?" She probed again with more demand.
Chase could tell that she wasn't going to let this drop until he said something believable. "Alright, it's about my past, okay? It's personal. I don't want to talk about it here."
"I wish I knew more about your past, Chase," admitted Cameron, her tone sad. "You never told me much about your childhood or any family."
"That's because there's not much good in there to talk about," Chase replied. "I'm not going to depress you because of some things that happened to me a long time ago."
"But I want to know."
"Why?" He asked harshly.
Cameron was taken back by his tone. "Fine. I won't ask again," She concluded curtly.
Chase hated to snap at her like that but he didn't want to discuss his inferiority. She didn't need to be bothered with meaningless banter about how he was doubting himself when she was in such a delicate condition. She had morning sickness and her back was beginning to really bother her. Chase had to give her a back massage last night so she could finally relax and go to sleep.
"Do you want to go out to eat tonight? At Meru's?" He asked. It had been three weeks exactly when Oscar had attacked Cameron and right now he was in prison for a year. He had actually pleaded guilty, which surprised everyone, but it was for a plea deal. Still, he never apologized. "I'll bring a towel and we can eat out on the beach, just like we always used to do."
"That sounds great," Cameron said with a small smile. She was still hurt by the way he had rejected her about his childhood but she could understand. Painful memories were hard to talk about and going to Mrs. Ollen must have taken a lot of courage.
It was best to let him do what he needed to do instead of forcing him to talk to her. Maybe he would come to her one day with his stories, maybe not, but if he did she would be more than happy to listen. Although she doubted Chase saw it that way.
IIIII
For the first time in months Chase overlooked her stomach and had made the first move. On the beach, laying on a sandy blanket with two empty plates, he wrapped his arm around her middle and began to plant kisses on her neck. Cameron's breath hitched as her pleasure-centers began to rise when he reached a spot on her neck Chase knew was a very sensitive area.
"Chase . . ." She said in a gasp, running her hands through his hair.
"Shhh . . . I'm making up for all those nights I didn't do this," He said in a whisper. His hand ran down her neck, over her breasts, and massaged her thigh suggestively. "I love you, Allison Cameron."
She kissed his mouth greedily running her fingers under his shirt and over his chest hoping to bring him the same gratification he was giving her right then.
"Oh God, I love you," She said between kisses.
"So I'm God now?" He jibed letting his shirt unbutton by her fingers.
Cameron left it unanswered and left hot kisses all over his chest.
They knew that they shouldn't have sex on the beach - it would be awful if some pervert was in the restaurant and saw the couple on the beach undressed - so they gathered themselves, returned the plates and paid the bill, and went home to finish what they had started.
IIIII
Chase's legs were shaking up and down as he waited to be called into the office. The place was open from 7 AM through 8 PM and he didn't know how Mrs. Ollen ever slept.
For a moment Chase wondered if he should have had Cameron come with him. It wouldn't be for moral support, he didn't need that. Of course she had problems that needed to be dealt with. Neither of them were over Cecelia's death even with all of the time that passed. They would never be completely healed and Chase avoided conversation of her if he could.
Then again - if his childhood did come up - he didn't want Cameron to hear it. There was nothing absolutely horrible that happened to him but it wasn't good either. She would feel sorry for him, probably, and for a while would treat him as though he were damaged. He hated being treated that way and Cameron had a long history of doing that with people she liked.
"Robert Chase?" An older woman, with her glasses slipping down her nose, called out. Chase stood up and the woman smiled brightly. "Hello! I'm August Ollen. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Chase."
Chase wasn't quite the morning person as she appeared to be so his reply was less than enthusiastic. "Um, hi. Nice to meet you too."
"Why don't you follow me and we can get right to talking," She said starting to walk down the short hallway to the last door on the right. The sound of her heels clicking on the wood floor reverberated loudly.
The office was filled with those engagement posters Chase hated. Atleast he was spared of the one with the kitten hanging on a rope, large bold words on the bottom 'Hang In There!'. Other than that it was filled with crosses and pictures of what was, he guessed, her family. She looked like she were 40 but her ring finger was empty.
Chase sat down in a chair opposite of her. She was going through some papers and pulled out a sheet that had to be the one the girl at the desk filled out when he called. It was just the basics of why he was coming and some references to his life at the moment.
"So your girlfriend is pregnant," Mrs. Ollen said with a smile, although he could hear an accusing tone in her voice. She was judging him about getting pregnant out of wedlock.
"Yes. Seven months."
"Are you excited? Nervous? Adjusting?"
"All of those, I guess," He agreed feeling awkward. When there was a silence he knew that she wanted him to continue. "But this was planned. I don't know why I feel so anxious. I want this so bad . . ."
"Oh my," She said sympathetically. Chase gave her a questioning gaze. "I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to read your file beforehand, I've been pretty busy, and I just read about Allison's failed pregnancy. I'm so sorry to hear about that."
Chase froze for a moment, unsure of what to say or do, so he just stared blankly at floor.
"I can see that you're still very affected by this," Mrs. Ollen pointed out and Chase wanted to say a sarcastic remark but held back his tongue. "Would you like to tell me about your relationship with Allison? Is it good?"
"Um, we have some rough times but we're doing okay."
"Do you both think you can raise this baby together?"
"Well of course. If we didn't think we could, I wouldn't have gotten her pregnant. We had to try very hard to even get her pregnant," Chase said a little defensively.
"I'm not trying to offend you. I was wondering if you both are on the same page."
"Of course we are."
"Does she feel as nervous as you?"
"No, she's ecstatic," Chase answered. "I'm just . . . confused I guess on how to be a good father."
"Did you have a good relationship with your father?" Mrs. Ollen asked.
"No, not really," He shook his head. "He wasn't a home a lot. He's a famous doctor so he'd always be off on business or at a meeting or giving a lecture. Sometimes I would go just to be close to him. Seems kind of sad that I'd have to do that doesn't it?"
"Rowan Chase. Sounds familiar," she mused. "I suppose your childhood was lonelier than most. Why don't you tell me about that."
"There's not much to say. I didn't really make a lot of friends and my best friend was my pet turtle, Marsh," Chase smirked at the memory. "And the maid was really nice. She would take me to see a movie and when I was little, or she would read me a story."
"What of your mother?"
"Alcoholic," He said flatly.
"Since you were born?"
"Not really. It progressed as the years went by. She was lonely, just like I was, and she tried to do things with me but . . . she was too depressed most of the time."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Chase said, "I didn't come here to talk about that though. I want to know why I'm so scared to be a father. It doesn't make sense."
"From what little I've heard I think you're afraid of failure," said Mrs. Ollen matter-of-factly. "You don't want to do what your parents did - alienate your son or daughter. You and your girlfriend do have jobs that require a lot of your time. I understand you need to support yourselves and your upcoming child but maybe you can cut back on work in the beginning, hm?"
"I don't think I could do that. Work is . . . well I wouldn't say I love it, my boss can be a jerk, but it's enjoyable. I don't want to cut away from it."
"Adjusting is hard," she began to say, "You have to make changes. Believe me it'll be for the better. Working is the center of your life right now. You feel no need to change it because Allison works with you, and you find it nice. Maybe there is something you can do. Take a leave with Allison."
"I planned to do that but she won't take a very long one. She loves her job," Chase said. "She was planning to buy one of those strap-on baby carriers so she could bring the baby to work with us."
"That's nice but isn't a hospital a bad place for a baby? I mean, he could catch a disease quite easily."
"I'm sure we'll take the necessary precautions," Chase was on the defense once again. Didn't she think he and Cameron already thought of that?
"Are you and Allison Christian?"
"Er, I am, but I don't think that's any of your business."
"I just hate to see babies be born out of wedlock. The Lord says to save yourself for your wedding night, but I can see that you took that into your own hands. It is awful to see such a naïveté in the younger generation."
"Allison is an Atheist so even if I cared, I doubt she would mind it either," Chase said. He was not liking her preachy attitude at all. The Aussie could hear the accusing tone hidden beneath that sweetness she tried to put on. His first impression of her was not a good one but he could tell she didn't think much of him either. "I should get going."
"Giving up already?" Mrs. Ollen teased with a smug smile.
Chase said, "I think I can handle my problems myself."
"If you came here that means you realized you need outside help," she told him with that matter-of-fact voice she seemed to use a lot. "You need help Mr. Chase."
"Not from you," He muttered under his breath than said aloud, "Atleast I tried. Have a good day, Mrs. Ollen."
Well that went horribly, Chase thought darkly as he left the office. I knew that psychiatrists did nobody any good.
IIIII
"Chase, it was only one time. You're being picky," insisted Cameron as they were waiting on House to come to work. It was 9:15 and the diagnostician had yet to show up although they already had a new case to work on.
"First impressions are usually right," pointed out Foreman. He was tired of hearing them debating about the issue and decided to say something. "Just let him decide."
"Thank you," huffed Chase unfolding his arms. "See? He agrees with me."
"He only said that to shut us up," Cameron said heatedly. "But why don't you give her another try? I mean, just because she was a bit accusing doesn't mean she can't help you."
"I'd rather jump in a lake of piranha's than see another psychiatrist, I'm sorry," He mumbled.
Cameron let out a small sigh as she realized that he wasn't going to change his mind. Personally she thought he was looking for any flaw to turn her away, so he could walk away without feeling guilty, and use it as an excuse not to go back to any psychiatrist or counselor.
"Anyway I'm going to go baby-shopping today."
"For what? We have everything we need in the nursery."
"We could use more baby blankets, and put up some colorful pictures around the room since the walls are bare."
"I really do not feel like going shopping, I'm sorry," Chase told her.
Cameron was going to argue with him some more but House finally walked in.
"As for why I'm late, I got lost on the road of life," House said before anyone to query about his absence. He poured himself a cup of coffee while Cameron told him about their current patient.
"Forty five, male, presents with a rash on his back, low white count, and localized numbness. . ."
IIIII
"Chase you were so happy before," Cameron said as though it had been a far off dream. "What's changed?"
"Nothing," He lied. If it were anyone other than Cameron they would have believed him but she knew Chase better than that.
Chase was not going to tell Cameron the doubt he had of his fathering abilities. How would someone re-act to that? She couldn't know how it felt to grow up with parents who didn't pass on the girt of parenting. Cameron couldn't know how he grew up not learning by example. Sure there were bits and pieces he remembered but they were always so distance and he didn't know how to relate to his own child. He could go through the motions but it wouldn't be the same.
"Yes. Severe mood swings are normal for you," sarcastically she drawled. She looked up from her microscope to stare Chase in the eyes. "You can't fool me."
"I'm not trying to fool anyone. I'm fine," Chase said sounding exhausted at her consistent prying. "Can you stop worrying for one second? I am a grown man. I can take care of my problems."
"Right, Mr. Fix It but I will use my authority as your girlfriend to tear at your ego until you finally admit you need help," Cameron informed him.
"Ouch. If you care so much you won't want to tear down anything."
"No pain, no gain."
IIIII
Chase was in the conference room waiting for Foreman to bring back the results for one of the many fungal disease's this could possibly be. While he waited he was playing with Cameron's engagement ring that he still hadn't gotten the guts to bring out. It never seemed like the right time. He knew that he would love to get married soon but he was getting cold feet.
What if he couldn't provide Cameron and their son/daughter everything they needed? What if she found someone she loved more? What if he screwed up and she never forgave him?
He carefully looked inside of the ring to their first child's name Cecelia carefully carved there in cursive, just like her mother's on the outside. Chase planned to have all of their future children - however many that may be - and have their names chiseled into the gold ring. He had a matching ring with his name on it and Cecelia's also. It cost a pretty penny but it would be worth it.
"Aw, you shouldn't have," House feigned joy as he limped over to the Aussie. "I prefer silver but gold is better."
"Sorry, they're not for you," Chase smiled lightly.
"Pssh. Gold is over-rated anyway," he scoffed. "So which one is for Cameron?"
"The one that has Allison inscribed on it," He said in a 'duh' tone, holding it out for House to look at.
The diagnostician examined it and found Cecelia's name on the inside. "Cool," was all he said when he handed it back. "When are you going to ask her?"
"I don't know. It never seems like the right time."
"Of course it's never the right time," House said as though it were a fact. When Chase looked at him in a confused manner he explained. "There's never a right time for anything to happen. Things just happen. Do it at the most unexpected time. When she's in the shower or when she's clipping her toenails."
"I don't know what to do. I mean, if we get married, how will I do?"
"Horrible at first but that's a fault us mortals have. We learn by experience. It sucks having to go through those first months of pregnancy. You guys had problems then because it was your second pregnancy after a failed one, and you'll have more problems on the way in a relationship. It's natures way of keeping us on our feet," House said not knowing if this was helping or hurting. Than again he didn't care too much either way. "But I think you'll make it. Don't make me a liar, either, or I'll have to deny we ever had this conversation."
"Like you would ever say you gave me advice."
"There's that," House shrugged. "Than again I'd be surprised if you listened to me."
"I listen to you more than you think."
"And I ignore you more than you think. Weird, huh?" House walked away on that sour note leaving Chase with his two rings wondering when he should make the move.
We should be able to work through marriage pretty well, He thought trying to shove those self-defeatist thoughts to the dark side of his mind. We worked through Cecelia and Lillian. I know we're stronger than what anyone thinks. Even me.
IIIII
Chase wasn't going to propose that same night but he had hoped he and Cameron would have some alone time. Instead it was Mr. and Mrs. Cameron who were on their doorstep waiting for them to come home. They obviously wait a while, it was nine at night, but they seemed happy to see their daughter and Chase again.
"It's good to see you again sweetheart," Mr. Cameron said giving his not-so-tiny girl a brief hug. "How have you both been?"
"Working hard and waiting for the newest member of the Chase family."
"You're not going to have Cameron for the last name?" Mrs. Cameron sounded sad at the news.
"You two aren't even married yet. Why use his last name?" Mr. Cameron debated.
"What's the special occasion?" Cameron asked quick to change the subject. She could tell that Chase was holding back his true feelings about their dismay.
"I missed my baby. Ever since you were attacked I've been thinking about you more and more," Mrs. Cameron said giving her daughter another hug before they headed inside. "I'm sorry we couldn't come right away. We needed to gather some money up but we're here now."
"Mom, really, you didn't need to do that. I'm fine," Cameron insisted.
"Who saved you?" Her mom asked curiously looking over to Chase who felt frozen in place.
It wasn't me, he shamefully admitted in his mind.
"The nurses," She said.
"Where was Chase?" Mr. Cameron asked with an accusing stare.
"He was in the lab," Cameron replied. "I'm sure if he knew he would have been there but, of course, the nurses were closer."
Chase knew that Mr. Cameron would have given another comment about the absence but his daughter had quickly changed the subject to how her doctor had finally said what gender the baby was.
"You didn't tell me yet," said Chase with surprise. He hadn't gone to her last appointment because Cuddy asked him to work in NICU due to a nurse having an emergency leave. He had been immensely regretful that he couldn't go but Cameron had said it would be okay. Now he wished he would have brushed off responsibility and gone with her.
"I was saving it for a surprise during dinner," she explained. "Now that my parents are here it makes it so much better."
"So what is it?" Mrs. Cameron asked excitedly.
"It's a boy!" She exclaimed hugging her mother once again.
Chase stood there with a smile but felt a certain emptiness inside.
He didn't have any parents to share this joy with. They were both dead. Would they even care? Mom would have been too drunk and Dad would have given him a pleasant congrads then be off to some meeting. There wouldn't be any joy in that now would there?
Cameron gave him a kiss on the lips and held his hands in hers. "Ashton, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," He said with a smile looking her in her bright eyes. He gave her another kiss to show his glee for the news.
Atleast he'd always have Cameron. Maybe that was all he needed.
IIIII
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PS: Sorry about any typos. I try to be really careful about em' but I don't have a proofreader and I have a short attention span so me and continuos reading does not go well.
