Hi everyone, :)
So sorry for the delay. End of year took its toll on my writing time but I'm getting through everything so updates should come a little more often. Thank you so much for all your reviews. Hopefully this one is worthy of some too. (I sure hope so! It's been a challenge to get it right, lol.)
It's a long one, so maybe you can tell me which parts you like the most. I didn't want to separate it 'cause I felt it was important to be read all at once. Enjoy!
Cheers, Tj. xx
It was later than she expected to be leaving, but Jane had finally received the one thing she'd been waiting for, IA's official clearing of her last and final incident with Hoyt. She'd let Maura know and they'd both decided it was best for her to sign off on her acceptance straight away. It was better for them both to take that final step and say goodbye to what was one of the most traumatic parts of Jane's life. And it would take time... time to read through the official statement of events and investigative documents, adding her own notation of acceptance and signature; which is why she was only now turning off her computer and locking her desk draw for the night.
It was 7 o'clock and the relief of getting that final piece of closure took along with it the last of her energy reserves. She was bone tired. Jane clipped her gun to her belt and heard the bullpen's door open. She swung around, letting her chair do all the work and saw Maura, standing in the doorway looking lovely with her hand lightly clinging to its frame.
"Come on," she commanded gently, warming Jane's weary heart.
She'd been so strong today, pushing herself through from early morning, having to deal with her mother and what could have been hers and Maura's first fight. She was feeling it all, and the simple tenderness Maura just aimed at her brought tears to her eyes. She turns away quickly, fluffing about in search of distraction, glancing to the sky briefly, asking gravity to keep her tears in check. She didn't want them falling, not now. Not at work.
"I'm coming," she manages, not really understanding the whirlwind of emotions running through her body. Was it relief at finally seeing the day in? Or getting clearance from Internal Affairs? Or maybe she'd just hit that horribly annoying emotional stage of exhaustion. She didn't know, but she did want to get out of there as soon as possible with minimal attention to her sensitive state, even from Maura.
Standing by the door the ME waits patiently, not wanting to impose on Jane. She watches her slide on her jacket, noting the imbalance of her weight distribution and the haze of her movements. Concern moves her forward, and she reaches out to hold Jane by her elbow.
"Are you okay?" she asks, in a tone so often unheard by anyone else. Jane knows it, and the feeling makes her blink madly and laugh nervously.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Why you asking?"
Knowing better than to answer Maura shrugs, looping her arm through the one she was holding.
"Shall we?" she says, and smiles. Jane's body eases.
"Only if you pick the place, I'm too tired to care where we go… 'though I'm kinda feelin' like calzone for a change."
Mm... comfort food.
"Oh good! Because I have a sudden craving for osso bucco! You have good taste detective."
Smiling, Jane feels her body recharge. She opens the door for her girl.
"I certainly do, Maur." When it comes to you.
"You're mean…" The pout on Jane's lips says it all.
Dinner had been wonderful but the moment her calzone began lining her stomach, she felt her fatigue set in again. Maura giggles a little as she looks over to her whiny passenger before focusing back on the road. She'd watched her detective slowly dissipate into delirium over dinner, and now her very bad ass girlfriend was very bad ass adorable.
"Why am I mean?" she prompts, "Tell me..."
"Because!" Jane toys with her hair as she supports her lean frame against the passenger window.
"Because of what?"
"Because of you! You did that whole vixen thing before and damned if I didn't go upstairs lookin' all flushed and stupid!"
Maura laughs.
"It's not funny, Maura!" Jane tries and fails to reign in her own laughter. "I had Ma on my case today yelling the house down about finding a man, and then you go and get me all flustered so Korsak and Frost could join in!" She pouts more, and sinks further into her seat. "S'not fair…"
"Aw, honey… I'm sorry."
Even though she wasn't. Spotting the cheshire-like grin Jane sulks a little bit more, a gust of air leaving her mouth in exasperation. "You're not sorry. Just look at you."
"Oh… what?"
"You know what, Maura!" she says, pointing accusingly.
The ME shakes her head. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't you lie to me, woman!" she says, enjoying their time together immensely. "Even if you believe you're not having a torturous effect on me, that is not fair!"
The good doctor gets herself under control, fearing the next step in Jane's exhaustion will be tears and reaches over, grabbing the offending pointing hand.
"I admit… it may have been a little underhanded teasing you like that, but I felt that you needed a release of tension…"
"More like an extra boost," Jane mumbles.
"Well, that wasn't my intention. I was trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room… you've been through so much today…"
"Yeah…" Her voice drifts. "It's been a long-ass day." And she becomes pensive.
"Stay with me tonight?"
Her offer breaking through Jane's thoughts. "I don't have anything with me."
"That's fine. I'm sure we can manage to find you something comfortable."
Jane's eyebrows raise, and Maura cuts off any implications. "I do own sweatpants, Jane."
"Yeah, but what kind? Are they made of silk? With little girly flower motifs?"
Maura scoffs. "They're a simple black cotton actually, with no flowers or embroidery…" She squeezes her hand. "They'd look good on you." Making her love blush.
"Okay, fine. I accept your invitation… along with your 100% cotton pants."
"Oh, Jane… if the clothing is your only enticement my feelings shall be hurt."
"Don't start woman..." Making them both laugh. Jane looks out her window. "It's not the pants, Maur," she says softly, "It's all you..."
Sitting on the lounge together, Jane nestles into the cushions dressed in Maura's sweatpants and undershirt. She's so tired and it's only 10 o'clock. She looks over to Maura next to her, reading through papers about a new board member for her mother's charity. It was something she was reluctant to do in Jane's company, but the detective figured out it was important when Maura received yet another phone call from her mother's PA requesting her response. Jane didn't mind. She just liked relaxing in what was now becoming a second home to her, with the one person she could sit with and not feel pressured to converse.
How did she ever get so close to a woman like this? It was a question that ran endlessly through her mind, ever since the night she'd held on to Maura and not let go. She remembers past admiration she'd felt for other girls growing up, and some of the women she'd come in contact with since adulthood. She'd always thought that that was all it was, admiration, respect, but now she realises there was a continuing image or feeling running alongside that respect; a need to be close, of wanting to share something beyond a smile with every one of them. Her vision shifts back to the tv and she wrestles some more with those particular thoughts.
What did she want from them, really want? She bites her nails and her knee jigs. The feeling of the cushion bounce stops her, alerting to the fact it would disturb Maura's concentration. She flashes back to the faces and names of the few who drew butterflies in her chest. She wanted to… to what? To touch them? No… not intimately… well, not sexually… but she wanted to touch them… their hands, skim her fingers across their skin… and then a sudden warmth of realisation burns from the centre of her chest. She'd wanted to hold them… and be held by them… but is that all? She thinks so… but... with Maura… she looks across to her now… with Maura… for the first time, she's wanting more.
To kiss her face… to do... maybe more… but in picturing doing more it sets her flight response on edge. Was she really ready for that? Could she kiss Maura and press her body against hers while naked? Did she even want to see her naked? Yes… and no… she didn't know… and this was why she always held back. Why she was scared to move forward. She wasn't about to screw with something so important, and felt every move she made she had to be sure of.
Jane crushed any more soul searching. There was a place she really didn't want to go even though she knew she'd have to do so soon. History needed to be dealt with but she couldn't face dealing with that today.
The soft, pale skin of Maura's wrists and manicured hands made her yearn to reach out and touch them. No-one would know the left overs of heartache and violence they have touched. The horrors only a beautifully strong person could contain. She skims her fingers along Maura's forearm down to her wrist, curling her hand so it spoons the doctor's. All concentration is lost and her girl looks up, but Jane's vision remains focused on her hands and what they can do. She can take mystery and make it tangible, she thought. Incredible.
A thumb belonging to the hand held brushes over hers. She looks up and can see Maura's questioning eyes, a look of concern etched upon her face, and then all she can see is the red mark standing out in horrible contrast on Maura's neck. It had healed enough for the scab to be gone, but it left a nasty red line tarnishing her skin.
"Jane…" Maura knew what Jane was looking at. The uneasy feeling of that day begins racing through her heart and distress starts to shine through her love's features. "Honey…"
She's cut off. The detective leans forward, replacing the harshness of the scar with her mouth. Maura closes her eyes as she feels Jane's tongue lightly trace it, and her gentle lips try to replace the pain. It brings tears to her eyes; little knowing the same was happening for Jane.
"I hate that he touched you like that."
And they look at each other, studying emotions and tears that refuse to fall.
"I'm okay," she says softly, the urge to kiss Jane is strong.
Their connected in such a way she doesn't feel her own movement until it's too late. Jane's reflex pulls them apart, but Maura sees her lips are open, parted and wanting. She's confused. They both are, but Maura settles her emotions first, changing her aim away from Jane's mouth and down to her clenching jaw. She kisses her and they remain sheltered, too close to focus but far away enough for confusion to remain at bay.
"You're beautiful," Maura whispers.
I'm fucked up. But Jane shuts her eyes to that response. There's a harshness inside that ruins her often. A bully she can never escape from. She squeezes her eyes and lets her tears fall before clearing her throat and wiping them away. Their moment is gone... and she needs to be gone.
"I'm just gonna… go take a shower, okay?"
"Of course," Maura smiles in the hope of conveying everything's okay.
"Okay," she says more to herself, and gets up rubbing her thighs as she does. She flashes Maura a quick smile and walks away, leaving the doctor stunned but truly touched.
Entering the bathroom Jane is distraught. What the hell is going on today? She's on an everlasting rollercoaster and feels out of control. She kicks the high priced laundry bag, thankful it's mainly made of cloth. Her tears fall and she ignores them, ignores them all... turning on the shower and getting quickly inside so the waterfall can disguise her outpouring.
Maura freshens up in the guest bathroom, finding novelty in the things she hasn't touched since their purchase. She worries about Jane, hoping her emotionality is due to the length of her working day and fatigue, and not due to the growth of their relationship.
Jane smacks her face under the rain of water. She'd wanted to kiss her. She'd wanted to do it, so why couldn't she let herself? Rinsing for the final time she shuts it off, her internal voice, and the shower.
When she steps out into the bedroom she finds Maura already in it, in bed. Her nerves play havoc with her body, and her hands clench against trembling undertones. She hops into bed and lies down, hearing Maura ask if she's okay. She does what comes natural, and jokes that she's fine in reply.
The lights are switched off, with purpose by her love, Maura hoping it'll help Jane feel less exposed. After all, she knows what it feels like. After a few seconds of listening to the shallowness of Jane's breath, she moves closer.
"Come here…" she says, and Jane curls towards her, onto her side. She can't control these urges, or the speed in which they're changing her life. All she knows is that she didn't know herself as well as she thought she did, and it's jarring. Her body curls into a ball and Maura moulds herself around her, pulling Jane's knees into the crease of her own hips, and her calves to rest upon her thighs. She draws Jane into her chest and wills her to let the tears fall, but it's quiet, and she can feel her normally strong detective holding her breath.
"Breathe sweetheart. Just breathe."
Rubbing her back she draws Jane's emotions to the surface, her sniffing eventually giving her away. Jane laughs, feeling both embarrassed and surprised.
"I'm sorry… I don't…"
"Sshh… don't fight it."
"Fight what? I don't even know what the hell it is I'm fighting…"
"And you don't have to… just… let it go." She'd heard this phrase before, not entirely understanding it, but she felt for the first time it was relevant to the situation curled up beside her. And it worked.
The tenderness of Maura drains her dry, and the need to be closer takes over. Jane straightens her legs, tangling them with Maura's. She can't understand what's going on, but she's brave enough to run with it. With her nose and mouth tucked neatly away against Maura's neckline, she soon feels herself calm. She sinks into Maura's frame, the copper blonde's arms holding her close. Long and relieving kisses press against her temple and forehead, and she breathes in all of Maura's goodness deep inside.
They move together, cheeks brushing, lips touching, and without thought, it finally happens. She is kissed.
Maura's lips are so soft, and warming. It's a sensation of intense proportions and it is comforting and unique. It's something Jane wants to feel again, and again, and so she does, the barrier of cloth between them removing all pressure of venturing too far. It allows them to experience what it is to be close, to be more intimate than they've ever been before, and for Jane to experience thoughts and feelings forever left unexplored. The same quote resounds time and time again in her head, and she manages only a part of it.
"You have absorbed me…" she whispers, and hides once more in the depth of her scent. The physicality of their touch is overwhelming. Maura rewards with another kiss, a brush of lips and light sway of tongue before they grip each other further with passion. Jane can never look back now. Not now that she's experienced her first kiss with a woman... with Maura. She's crossed the one boundary she never thought she'd have the courage to cross, and all is safe, and nothing has changed. Her mother hasn't burst through the door, and they've managed to share this private moment with only themselves. It proves to Jane it can be done. She can have a life of her own, and leave behind misguided self-imposed limitations. She sighs, allowing Maura to hold her and feels all the better for finally moving forward.
It's the next day, and their last day of work for what will be a few days. Maura receives a text message interrupting her thoughts. She's been dreamy and reminiscent of their evening, and is now thankful upon seeing Jane's name that perhaps the detective is too.
'Bottom draw… xx'
It's a puzzling message, and she writes back.
'Excuse me?'
'Look inside it sweetie. J. xx'
Although cryptic Maura does so, walking back into her office. Inside her draw she finds a long stemmed rose cut to fit diagonally within its tray. She smiles with uncontrollable warmth, finding a small and understated card underneath. She opens it.
It reads:
'You have absorb'd me,
I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving…'
This is as close as I can express how you made me feel last night.
I want to feel it always.
J. xx
Placing the card to her chest and her fingers to her lips, Maura whispers the author of Jane's written quote.
"Keats..."
Please review... xx
