Disclaimer: I am not Dick Wolf. I do not own Law and Order: SVU. Please don't sue!
Thanks for reading and supporting this story!
Olivia trudged her way up to her apartment, keeping her head down and avoiding as many of her neighbors as she could. The doctor had given her the all clear and she'd signed herself out after fare welling Nurse Davies, who had checked on her several times during the evening.
In the cab she had made a mental list of what she was going to do when she got home. She had memorized it and repeated it to herself over and over. The list distracted her from being suspicious of the cab driver, an elderly, balding male. Less than twenty-four hours ago, Olivia wouldn't have thought twice about the driver, but an unhealthy dose of paranoia had developed overnight.
The first thing she did after locking the door and drawing the curtains tightly shut was phone work. 'Mind over Matter' was a mental health clinic Olivia worked for. She was their leading criminal psychologist, treating patients with criminal records and violent tendencies. The police often employed her services to help analyze a suspect's actions and its causes. Apparently, one of the "higher-ups" of the NYPD was related to Doctor Kevin Berkley, Mind over Matter's owner and founder.
She had been told by her superiors numerous times that with her amount of dedication and diligence, she could be at a top hospital if she wanted to. The opportunities to aid in police investigations were what made her stay. The golden moments in which Olivia had helped with an investigation filled the hollow gap of her missing heart for a few seconds. She was willing to work anywhere just for those moments she would not feel empty.
She dialed Berkley's number although usually, she phoned his secretary. Berkley's connections with the NYPD probably meant he was already advised of her situation and she wanted as little people as possible to know the whole story. Her mouth went dry as she pressed the call button. Luckily for her, instead of hearing her boss's calm, "shrink" voice, the call went to voicemail. Olivia remembered that Berkley was scheduled to talk at a psychological seminar with college kids. He must have turned his mobile off.
"Kevin, it's me, Olivia. I have some personal issues I have to attend to so I won't be coming for about a month. Sorry about the rush, but it's kind of an emergency. Take it as nine years' worth of unclaimed vacation and sick leave. I'll call when I'm coming back."
She sighed after she hung up. First job done. Second on her list was to take shower, something she had been itching to do ever since the sun rose. She undressed as the water heated up, avoiding the mirror. She knew that even seeing the slightest of a bruise would bring her back to last night. The steaming hot water hit her as soon as she stepped in the shower, washing away the remnants of his suffocating scent. Hopefully all of him was erasable. She scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was raw, bright red from the sponge forcibly dragged back and forth her delicate skin.
The logical sector of her brain knew it would take much, much more than a long shower to rid the painful memories planted by him. However, a newfound voice in Olivia's head she knew had manifested from last night told her it was okay to think like a victim.
She stood in the water after she cleansed herself, basking in the warmth. Here she finally let her tears go, releasing the bittersweet moisture that had been kept in until she was alone. It was easier to cry when the water merged with physical proof of her pain and fear. She sobbed, losing the little control she held over her destroyed soul. She collapsed, curling up in a tight ball with her back pressed to the slippery wall, hugging her knees.
She stayed like that until she stopped crying. Almost immediately after the sobs subsided, she grew angry. Angry at herself for being weak. She was fully independent, had been ever since she was eighteen. She was letting him destroy her, like the shattered victim she had sworn on her family's grave she would never become,
The water finally went cold, forcing Olivia out of the shower. Although she dearly wanted to stay under to the comforting, water cold water was not something she enjoyed. She dried herself in the safety of her room, disappointment seeping through her veins as she realized something.
She still felt dirty. Dirty even after spending almost two hours in the shower. Dirty after throwing away the clothes she had worn last night. Dirty, after brushing her teeth for more than ten minutes in an attempt to brush away the vile sensation of tongue shoved into her mouth. Unfamiliar with dread she had not felt since the funeral, her heart sunk. No matter how much she tried, she always would have memories of him. He had branded her with his very own kind of poker, leaving scars she would never be rid of.
