Love was an act of foolishness.
She knew it all along.
Love meant giving your heart to someone just so they can fuck it up whenever they want to.
Love was for desperate losers that wanted temporary relief for their pain just to have their hearts stabbed out of their mind from the betrayal that always followed behind the smiles, the pleasure, and the warmth.
Love was such a thing that she never wanted to ever fall into.
Love sucked.
So why did she do it?
Simple.
Love was the predator, and she was the prey who fell so vulnerable to its charm.
Love gave, and then it took it away.
She could feel this truth within her very flesh as she felt the loss of Sakon.
The bright sun was mocking her as it shined again in the morning. How she hated its warmth...
The morning... it actually starts today, without a pounding headache of a hangover. She would have rather woken with a hangover though. Anything was better than what she was feeling right now. Any kind of pain was better than the pain inside her heart that only worsened as she laid in her bed, waiting for it to heal.
Then the fucking door knocked.
She ignored it.
But the person knocking the door apparently didn't care if she was in mortal pain or not, because pretty soon, he or she started kicking it.
"What in the fuck do you want!" Tayuya screamed, still in her bed.
"The genins are waiting for you," Kakashi said, suddenly appearing in her room.
"What the hell, man? How did you get in here?" Tayuya said, irritated. She turned away from him, facing the wall.
"It's not hard to pick locks. Anyway, you are not being an exemplary kunoichi, still in bed while your subordinates are waiting for you," Kakashi said.
"Look who's talking..."
"One ninja that's never on time is enough for this village. And just because I can doesn't mean you can too. It's not like if I die, you'd die with me, right?" Kakashi said, ever so gladly, as if nothing happened last night.
"Go the fuck away; you're annoying," Tayuya said. She felt too weak to argue or scream.
"I guess I have no chice, then..." Kakashi said dutifully, just before he picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bathroom.
"Hey, what are you-"
Kakashi dropped her in her tub. "I am quite sure you wouldn't want me to do anything further than this. I am bound to a mission to train you and I will do anything to get you out to the training field. If it means for me to strip you naked and wash you myself, I would do it honorably," He said, and by the look from his face... his eye... he was not joking.
Tayuya stood up angrily before whipping the curtain shut in front of his face. "Get the fuck out," She said. She didn't feel anyone leave, and when she peeked through the openening in the curtain, holding a bar of soap to make him leave, she saw no one and the door was even closed.
He was a sneaky man... to leave without a noise.
In any case, Tayuya soaked herself in the pouring stream of water, pretending that the water would wash away her forbidden sorrow. It wasn't that Sakon's death shouldn't bother her, but it couldn't bother her. She couldn't feel sad or be in despair because it was forbidden. Because it was behind her, she could not.
After the steaming shower, she stepped outside, and nearly fainted when she saw Kakashi staring at her with a completely blank look on his face, sitting on her bed. "What on earth are you doing! If you are a genius ninja, have some common fucking sense that I'd have only a towel on me after a shower! My fucking god, what the hell are you doing, just sitting there, watching me!" Tayuya nearly screamed.
Kakashi shrugged and got off of her bed, yawning. "Took you long enough to come out, I'll step out now," He said, ever so simply.
"I don't need you waiting for me! I know how to get to the training ground! God dammit, get off of my back!" Tayuya yelled, as Kakashi closed the door behind him.
Tayuya was now furious. Who the hell did he think he was, her fucking guardian? In anycase, she finished dressing and found him waiting for her again. She didn't say anything to him though. She completely ignored him and went straight to the door.
He followed after her, not saying anything.
Tayuya started to speedwalk so she wouldn't have to deal with Kakashi. What a morning... first, she feels like shit and now she has someone who murdered her "love" - who also happened to be her mentor - treating her as if she was a freaking criminal on some home-arrest. However, she would have passed by the shitty morning okay if he hadn't asked her this stupid shitty question which poured a gallon of gasoline onto her ember of anger into a furious inferno that wanted to consume his lazy self.
"Are you angry at me?"
She froze in the middle of the stairs. Was he kidding? "Hm..." She said. "I don't know, what do you think?" She said, sounding rather calm.
Kakashi didn't say anything. He didn't even joke, which was weird. He would only look at her blankly. "That man... he meant more to you than just a comrade, wasn't he?"
Tayuya exploded. "WHAT IN THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK? FIRST, YOU TELL ME THAT IT SHOULDN'T MATTER TO ME AND NOW YOU ARE ASKING ME SHITTY QUESTIONS! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A PERSON ARE YOU? JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
Kakashi stared at her. "I know what it's like to lose important people. I asked because I cared. I am a pretty crappy person, actually... and I only wanted to help you," He said, answering all of her questions, yet he was still not joking.
Tayuya laughed. "How can you care about me, when you have no connection to me, whatsoever? I've known you for... not even a week and you tell me you understand; you tell me that you care; you tell me that you want to help," She paused for a sec. "That sounds like bullshit. You know nothing, you don't understand shit, and there's no way you can ever help me. Actually, there is a way that you can help. LEAVE ME ALONE. I am your fucking assistant, not your fucking wife or anything! Why the hell do you give a damn how I feel? If I don't show up? Punish me, damn it! Don't you enjoy punishing me? Don't you like toruring me!"
There was a brief flash of something like anger in his eye and he grabbed her wrist. "Don't say that," He said, quietly.
"WHY! Because it's the truth!"
"Perhaps you should rest for today, Tayuya."
Ah hell... she was sick of this. "YOU ASKED FOR IT, HATAKE KAKASHI!" Tayuya screamed. "WHAT KIND OF A PERSON SHOW UP IN FRONT OF A GIRL AFTER MURDERING THEIR... THEIR... their..." Tayuya could not go on. Just what was he to her anyway? What was she to him? A lover? A friend? A sex toy?
"What was he to you?" Kakashi asked. He wasn't mocking her. He wasn't asking just for th hell of it. He asked her as if he cared.
"Nothing." Tayuya answered, softly, her head looking down at the ground. Someone that I loved. Someone that used me because of that.
"Tayuya," Kakashi called.
"What the fuck do you want?"
Kakashi sighed. "Would it make you feel better if you talked about it?" He asked.
Tayuya looked up and caught Kakashi by surprize when her honey-brown eyes were filled with tears. "No! You killed him! I hate you!" She yelled. She knew that sounded rather childish but what else could she say?
"How about if you beat me until you feel better?"
Tayuya pushed him as if he was something disgusting, and ran down the stairs. "Get the hell away from me if you want to make me feel better," She said and Kakashi granted her wish.
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Kakashi told what happened to Tsunade who listened with great caution. Anko was there also.
After the whole thing, Tsunade rubbed her forehead tenderly with her fingertips. "I should have known that damn Orochimaru would try to conserve someone useful to him..."
"What do you mean, Tsunade-sama?" Shizune asked.
"That person, Sakon was the strongest of the Sound Four. He really should be dead... Afterall... Kankurou kind of... killed him in a horrible way. Yet Orochimaru, on the verge of death, decided that he didn't want to waste all the jutsus that he mastered. I am guessing that he gave some to Sakon after reviving him - only god knows how - and died before he could finish. Now, why Sakon wants Tayuya, Sasuke, and you, Anko... I do not know," Tsunade said.
"You also said something about them being aquainted with akatsuki," Kakashi said.
"It's what I've heard but who knows. Anyway, keep you eyes on Tayuya. Check on Sasuke and warn him too. Anko, you stay by Kurenai as much as you can," Tsunade said.
Anko sighed. "I am like thirty and I still need baby-sitters..."
"This is for your own good, Anko!" Tsuande said.
"Yes maam," Anko said.
Tsunade turned her eyes back to Kakashi. "Go, now. Don't let anything happen to Tayuya."
"Yes, hokage-sama."
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She hated her life.
She hated herself.
Perhaps Kakashi only did his job.
He did only do his job.
So, he was right and she was wrong.
But she was the one who felt the pain.
Staying in Konoha was not an option for now, so Tayuya went out and took a stroll in the woods; and by taking a stoll in the woods for ninjas meant furious jumps from tree to tree as if they were chasing something or were being chased. It felt nice, really. To have the wind rushing to your face, and just... moving forward. Nothing holding you back... freedom. God, she felt broken... Her heart was heavy as if it was chained by an eight-ton anchor and she was losing strength to break free and the only way for her now was to go down... down... down into the sea of black where you felt nothing. Why was is this painful? She thought he was dead all along. But if you think about it, in life, cruel did not mean not having anything to begin with. Cruelty... it's a word to describe the things that came and went; the things you held so dear suddenly taken away. There was no way you would miss something that you didn't have to begin with, right? It was the same for Tayuya's hope. She thought Sakon was dead. Just when there was a hope of him being alive... no, he was alive all along... that was until Kakashi killed him, not too long ago... Oh god... damn him. He was born to torture her.
But then again, if she thought back to her life, the way she lived... there was so many cruelty. What of her family? It wasn't that she never had one, but they were really... taken from her. And her friends? Same. Her career? It actually used to be a movie star. She wanted to be a movie star. Or even an actress. It wasn't her fault that she sucked. But she didn't have time to think about some other career... because right about then was when a monster known as kyuubi attacked her village and killed so many people. Her parents were among the dead. She was utterly alone and no one took care of her. Again, torn away. She was angry that she wasn't the one to kill the kyuubi. Stupid Yondaime of Konoha... but then again... there was on way that she could have even had a chance against such a monster. When Orochimaru came to her, he promised that she would be strong and she would gain the power she needed to accomplish her goal with some minor sacrifices. One was to be his servant and the other being Kimimaro's personal... slave. Bearing the cursed seal between her neck and shoulder, she worked as she was told. But she didn't love Kimimaro as she was supposed to. She let Kimimaro do anything he wanted to her. But her heart was on Sakon. He only messed around with Tayuya when Kimimaro wasn't around. He didn't even touch her when Kimimaro was. He had no clue that Tayuya closed her eyes and imagined Sakon on top of her everytime Kimimaro needed to fulfill his lust. That itself was... cruel.
Just when she thought things would be okay...
Just when she thought that she could live with a better purpose than to live as some sexual slave, and a part-time shinobi.
But it wasn't like things got much better in Konoha. She took the "evil" label off of her but the "whore" thing still remained. And she still felt no love from anyone.
Love? Was she kidding?
All these thoughts and the bitter memories flashed by her and Tayuya was not aware that she was out of Fire Country by the time the sun was setting. Would she be considered a missing-nin? The idea didn't seem so scary. Maybe she'll stop being a shinobi altogether and find somewhere else to live with a new job. Start over. She was only eighteen anyway. Maybe she can even get married to some rich man and just live quietly. Maybe she can be an actress... She smiled at the thought. Yeah right...
A tear escaped her eyes.
She felt so trapped. So... What the hell was she supposed to do?
"Well, hello," A pretty voice said.
Tayuya turned to see a pretty kunoichi about her age. Her yellow hair swayed in the wind, and her eyes were blue and icy.
Tayuya took out a kunai. "Who the hell are you?" She said, back in her ninja-mode.
"My, my... you need to cut down that language of yours, girl. Tayuya, was it? How convenient... I've been looking for you," She said.
Huh? What the... "Why?" Tayuya asked.
She chuckled. She dug in her pocket and took out a head protector that Tayuya was so familiar with. The one from the Hidden Village of Sound.
"What the fuck is that?" Tayuya asked, as if she didn't know the thing.
"I know that you have one of these, Tayuya dear. Come, follow me. The Village of Sound misses you."
"Where? I don't know what you're talking about. Stop talking to me. You have better things to do. and I don't know who the hell Tayuya is," Tayuya snapped.
"He told me that you were stubborn. I didn't know that you would play dumb and deny your identity though," The girl said.
He? Who was this "he" she was talking about? Tayuya was curious but she did not show that. Afterall, anyone from the Sound Village... what they were up to was never good and he didn't feel like going back to the hell that she came from. "I'm not denying anything. What? You wanna fight? Cuz I'm having a shitty day right now and I need some ass to kick," She said.
"No thank you. I'll get my ass beat if I fought you as I am now. But how about if we never have to fight? Be allies, perhaps?"
"I don't wanna be allies with you," Tayuya said.
The fake smile from her face failed her and she glared at Tayuya venomously. "Come with me before you regret it," She said.
"Now you show your true face, you bitch! I have no intentionof joining the Sound Village now or ever again. If you don't get the fuck out of my face, I swear i'll beat you half to death!" Tayuya said, dangerously.
Then something caught her from the behind and Tayuya was knocked off of the tree. This happeened so sudden that Tayuya didn't even think about breaking free. The thing holding her would not let go of her. The girl that was talking to her disappeared with a smoke. A bunshin! Tayuya thought. Then the real one was... the one dragging her down. Shit...
Tayuya took the full force of impact on the ground.
"Better you, than me," The girl said.
Tayuya could feel herself blacking out.
"Ryoko, I told you to becareful," A new voice joined in. But this voice was not new at all. It was the voice that Tayuya knew all too well. He looked at her, appearing more mature than when she last saw him. "My little potty-mouth Tayuya..." He said gently, touching her cheek. Oh how she had long for that touch... "How you have grown," He whispered in her ear. "You know, I haven't had you in awhile. Did you miss me too?" The voice... still the same - alittle deeper but still so much the same - and still mocking her... But that's who she had missed all these years.
She felt no confusion, only joy.
His face was so close to hers. She swore if she could only reach out, she could touch it, but the girl was holding her down and her vision was failing her. She tried to keep her eyes open to see him even for a second but the darkness took her over and she couldn't recall anything that happened.
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Kakashi always thought Tayuya was just another kunoichi girl. He didn't take special notice in her until she became his assistant. He thought it would be troublesome and his prediction was exactly right.
Yes, she was troublesome.
And that was why he was out here, looking for her. He thought that telling her that he had killed Sakon would calm her down to make his mission easier, but it backfired. But it wasn't just that. Immense amount of guilt shot through him as he brainstormed how much pain it must have caused her. He had told her that she was free from everything but what good did it do for her... for anyone at all when she was trapped in his lie? She was already caught in between things and here he was, making things worse for her. What should he say to her... "Sorry... my bad..."
That simply wouldn't do.
What if she was out of Fire Country already? What if the Sound Four had her?
After he had done briefing with Anko and Tsunade, he had been looking for her. Then after a failed attempt to find her in any sake bars, he heard from Naruto that he had seen Tayuya going out of Konoha. And that's when a single word came to him. Shit.
He had to find her. He just had to.
Oh god... if only he was more honest... if only he didn't lie about Sakon's death... If only he could take it all back...
God, Tayuya... I am so sorry...
