Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but this (author waves like a maniac at the story in front of her) this bitch is all mine.

Chapter 6

JPOV

I've been told, that for being a stoner, I keep my days remarkably regimented. I know; it's odd. Typically those who partake in recreational botany tend to be lax about certain things, like paying their taxes for example. I however, grew up in uncontrollable ciaos, so now that I'm an adult I tend to be a bit controlling when it comes to my schedule.

So there I was, on Tuesday morning, singing into my bathroom mirror and shaving away twenty-four hours worth of peach fuzz, because I was not graced with Charlie's ability to grow facial hair like a lumberjack, looking forward to my kick off blunt, when all of a sudden my morning routine was fucked sideways.

"Ohhhhhh… The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and around all around the town."

Buzz… Buzz… Buzz…

I looked at my cell as it vibrated across the avocado green vanity top. Naynay, the screen read. Ignore.

"Ohhhhhh… The doors on the bus go open and close, open and close, open and close. The doors on the bus go open and close all around the town."

Buzz… Buzz… Buzz… Naynay. Again. Ignore.

"Ohhhhhh…The people on the bus go in and out, in and out, in and out, the people on the bus go in…

Buzz… Buzz… Buzz… Naynay

Reaching for my Blackberry in defeat just as it went kamikaze off the counter I grunted out "Goddamn it she's being persistent this morning," as I hit the accept button. Bringing the phone to the shaved side my face, I plastered on a fake smile, ignoring the shaving cream as it ran down my neck and sang into the phone, "Good morning Naynay."

"Well I'll be slapped silly, you're not dead."

You know the moment when you first initiate conversation with your parents, and you have a general feeling, a looming eeriness, of how the rest the interaction was going to precede? Well when your step-mother starts by sarcastically pointing out your mortem, you know shit's 'bout to get fugly.

Wedging my phone between my shoulder and my chin I attempted to continue in my daily task. With a heavy sigh I spoke into the phone only using half of my mouth sounding like a stroke victim. "Sorry Mama, I've been really busy lately."

And with that, she was off, "Do not start that bullshit at me Jasper Swan. I know when my calls are getting ignored; your sister does it all the time…

Rolling my eyes I put my phone on mute set it on back the counter and let her go on her merry way. One thing that's great about Renee… she doesn't need an active participant to hold a conversation.

It's one of the reasons I love her.

My mother, or as I refer to her now, the egg donor, was never what you would call maternal.

You would think that after all the hell she went through to produce Rose and me she would be a little more loving, fuck, I would have gone for a little less… evil, but after Charlie's cradle-robbing fiasco Lillian spent the majority of my impressionable years jaded and hell-bent on ruining what was left of the Swan family name.

You know, because Charlie wasn't doing a good enough job of it on his own.

Begrudgingly she would send me and my genetically deficient twin across the street to the house of my "pant's dropping no-good father and his two bit trailer park home wrecker" during their court appointed visitation times where Renee made her personal mission to overcompensate for my birthmother's shortcomings.

God love the woman for not knowing any better.

Renee would spend every Wednesday and every other weekend baking sugary treats and shoving multiple craft projects down our throats to take home to our mother. Who in return, tossed every single one in the trash stating "nothing that hussy touched is welcome in my home."

It wasn't lost on me or Rose that we were forced to bathe the moment we walked in the door, because heaven forbid we might actually smell like we made physical contact with our stepmother.

As the years progressed I found myself becoming more and more attached to Renee and less to the woman I shared DNA with. Rose on the other hand began to come up with excuses to get out of her visits.

Bitch was sick so often I contemplated buying her a bubble to live in.

Shit was starting to get ultra dramatic, everyone was on edge all the time. My twin hated our baby sister, and Bella knew it, my mother spread rumors like a goddamn forest fire, and Charlie was avoiding everything until Bella came home and asked him what a bastard was because the kids at school started calling her one.

The good chief decided enough was enough, told Rose and I that we could come around as little or as often as we wanted as long as we left Bella alone at school.

Rose's visits stopped altogether, and I moved in.

I'm not afraid to admit that I cried the first night I lived with Charlie and Renee. I know it's not manly, but I was just a kid, a very emotionally in tuned kid, dealing with some very adult shit, and sometimes you just need to let it all the fuck out.

Now don't go imagining me being all weepy at dinner, I waited till I was safely in bed and I could hear Charlie snoring solidly on the other side of the wall.

After all, a man, no matter what age, needs to keep his dignity.

So there I was, wrapped up tight in my Scooby-Doo bedding sobbing into my pillow when I heard my parents' door squeak open and small feet pad their way to my room. Not wanting to get caught acting like a little bitch, I shut the fuck up and tried calm down and act like I was sleeping when I heard my door open.

I thought I was being sly, but really I was doing a piss poor job of faking with my eyes forced shut and my breaths ripped up by the occasional hiccup, but damn it, I was a determined s-o-b, pun intended, so even when I felt the blankets lift up and bed dip beside me, I made sure I kept up the façade like a champ.

"You know, my dad died when I was seven." Renee's voice came out nothing more than a whisper, "I really didn't understand what was happening for a while. He was there one day and then he just… wasn't"

Snot was trickling its' way out of my nose by this point, running over my top lip and tickling the entire way, but I ignored it… until I couldn't.

Eventually, I gave in and wiped my nose's secretions on my sleeve effectively letting Renee know that I was listening.

Noticing my movement she turned and began to run her hand through my hair. "I was angry and sad and whole bunch of other stuff for a really long time, but I made sure to keep it all bottled up because I thought I needed to be strong for my mom." With a little bit of a chuckle she added, "I thought she was sad enough for the both of us."

Enjoying her warmth and her caress I scooted a little closer, but didn't say anything. I wasn't really sure if I was supposed to say anything, moms across the street quit giving out hugs when I learned to tie my own kicks and then here's this woman crawling into bed with me in the middle of the night.

It was just weird.

Thankfully Renee didn't let my silence deter her from getting to the point. "I stayed like that for a long time, all happy on the outside; broken on the inside, because I told myself my mom was doing the same thing. Then one day she brought a man home and told me he was going to be my new dad. She said it like it was no big deal, like it was completely ordinary for a stranger to replace my father. I was so mad that I told Robert, that's his name, that he would never be my dad and how dare he think that he had the right to come and take his place."

I felt the moisture as her silent tears began to soak through my unruly blonde bed head, so I nodded just enough to let her know that I was still paying attention. "I was ten years old before I finally really cried over everything. For three years I kept everything wrapped up tight because I thought no one would understand what I was feeling, and by the time I just let go my mother thought it was because I was mad that I was going to have to listen to someone else. She didn't understand, she had already dealt with her grief and moved past it while I was still holding on. She told me to "buck up", that's exactly how she put it, "buck up". So that's what I did. "

I'd known Renee my entire life, and by that point I had already assumed that the lady wasn't really fishing with a full tackle box, if you smell what I'm steppin' in, so I was completely bewildered behind actual moral of this midnight heart-to-heart. In an embarrassingly broken sob I asked her, "So you're saying I need to buck up?"

The moment the words left my mouth, arms came out of nowhere, contorted my neck, and crushed my small face into her bosom making it difficult to breathe as Renee frantically tried to explain what she meant. "Oh god baby no, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying my mom was wrong. I needed to be sad and upset. I needed her to tell me that Robert wasn't going to replace my dad, just like I'm not going to replace your mom. Jazzband honey, it's alright to be sad and angry about what's going on, heck I was starting to get worried that you seemed indifferent over the whole situation. This is a lot of change to get used to and no one expects you to keep everything hidden, if you're upset tell me and I'll do what I can to help make it better even if it's just holding you or listening or whatever you need, but no matter what your mom is still your mom, you living here isn't going to change that."

Finally I understood what she was saying, but she had her facts bass ackwards. I wasn't upset that I wasn't living with my mom anymore, hell I couldn't have been happier to tell ya the truth. I was upset because everyone else was upset, like I said I was in tuned to emotions, but I realized that my stepmother needed corrected… and quick.

Somehow I managed to wiggle my lanky body from her kung-fu grip and I rolled over so that I was facing her tear streaked face. "Naynay, I'm not upset that you're trying to take my mom's place, you've always been my mom. I'm just sad because everyone else is ya know?"

She nodded and wrapped her arms me, thankfully not as oxygen depriving as before, and kissed my forehead. "What did I ever do to deserve such a great son like you?"

I smiled; I couldn't stop myself, terms of endearment at Lillian's house where few and far between, let alone anything that sounded like appreciation of my existence, so I just hugged her tighter in response.

"I love you Jasper."

"I love you too mama."

Since that night, I've only ever addressed my stepmother as Naynay, like I did when I was a child, or as my mom, which is why when she called Tuesday morning I probably yelled the title into the phone three. Hundred. times.

"I just don't understand how your sister gets herself into these situations? Charlie and I gave you kids the talk, you know how it works-

"Mom"

-Jesus Christ condoms don't cost that much, and they're a hell of a lot cheaper than a kid, did she think about that before she went and dropped her pants all over town?"

"MOM"

"And why didn't she tell me herself? I'm going to be a grandmother and I have to hear about it from her brother no less. That's just disrespectful Jasper, I taught you two better than that and you know it!"

"I know, but mother-"

"It's not like she can't pick up the phone every once in a while and keep me up to date. I talk to Alice more than I talk to my own flesh and blood. Please tell me she knows who the father is. Hell, that town's so damn small I probably know who the father is. God hope he has a job other than working at the lumber mill."

By this point my mother's ranting had reached a whole new level, and I had reached the high school parking lot and if I didn't get off the phone soon I was going to be late for first period, and I already missed my morning baking out so I was a little on edge when I finally got a word in edgewise.

"Jesus fucking Christ mom, calm down." I heard her suck in a breath. "B's twenty-five, has a good job, owns a house, and has been independent since she came out the fucking womb. Yes, she knows who the father is, and yes he has a job that's not the mill. The only reason I told you before she got there in the morning to tell you herself, in person, was to give you a heads up so that you don't blow a gasket when she finally blurts it out. Bella's upset enough about it already she doesn't need anyone's help, and before you ask, no dad still doesn't know, and I'm leaving that all on her."

Renee cleared her throat into the receiver, "Well at least I wasn't the last one to know, and you need to watch that potty mouth of yours mister, because if I hear you take the good Lord's name in vain with me again, I'll jump on the first plane to where you are and wash your mouth out with soap."

I nodded, not like she could see me, and groaned a half-assed apology into the phone and told her that I would see her in a couple of days. With a slam of my car door I trudged straight sober in the rain, without an umbrella, toward my classroom.

***

The morning drug on painfully as I lectured on the Civil War to unappreciative sophomores. By fifth period my patience was long gone and I had just started the most difficult hour of the day.

Much like the rest of students, my current class stared blankly, uninterested with the achievements of Grant towards the end of the War Between the States, but what set this particular herd of delinquents apart from the rest sat in the forth seat back of the middle row, Travis Yorkey.

I had gone to school with his older brother Eric. For the most part the older Yorkey kept to himself, never really attempting to socialize with my particular group of friends until Edward came along, and then I think the poor guy suffered from a bit of the hero worship, but that's neither here nor there, it was his little brother that became the bane of my existence.

That little fuck struts into my room every goddamned day with his pants around his thighs and his t-shirts four sizes too big and speaks in the worse white boy Ebonics you've ever heard, he tries for Dr. Dre, but ends up sounding like Mr. T. Don't get me wrong, I've been known to spout some urban slang here or there amongst friends, but really who is this chump kidding? This is Forks Washington, not fucking Detroit.

"Yo, Mr. S?"

'And so it begins.'

The moment that voice hit my ears I gritted my teeth. 'It's Tuesday and I already ready want to kill people. I can't even make it to hump day before I my mind starts to wonder and I imagine going ape-shit bat-crazy on these cretins society deems adolescence while screaming the lyrics to Brass Monkey. '

I find the imagery helps release some of my pent up aggression.

Trying fruitless to keep my distaste out my voice I answer "Yes Mr. Yorkey?"

Travis adjusted himself in his chair, leaning forward over the desk so that his tacky gold chain and oversized crucifix make contact with the laminate with an annoying clank. "I was just thinking…"

'This should be good.'

"…You be talkin' about this Grant guy, like he was big effin' hot shot, but for reals if he was that important wouldn't we be spendin' Grants and not Benjamins?"

I took a brief moment to turn my eyes toward the ceiling and pray, 'Dear sweet baby Jesus, strike me dead and take me out of my misery.'

"As I've explained before Mr. Yorkey, there is really no correlation between whose picture appears on which currency, they were all important individuals that deserved to be recognized."

"Don't go be spitin' that game. Check it, Washington was our first pres, and he's on the one dollar bill. You can't be sayin' that's just coincidence."

My nostrils flared in irritation, that little fucktard thought he was clever. "Well, if we're going by that argument what's your reasoning for images of Susan B. Anthony or Sacagawea appearing on the one dollar coin, neither of them ever held any political office let alone the presidency?"

"Ah shit Swan, we be talkin' 'bout cash money dog, not no chump change, dead presidents."

I closed my eyes and gripped my trusty blue dry-erase marked tightly in my hand, my knuckles turning white as I rebutted, "In that case, take the Benjamins you referred to earlier. Mr. Franklin was never president either; just a founding father who accomplished great feats that the National Treasury thought deserved to be honored."

The thug wannabe leaned back in his seat, defensively crossing his arms over his chest. "You act like I'm bein' a fool. You can't play me, I know Franklin was president."

"Really, which one?"

"I dunno, the forth?"

"No, actually that would have Thomas Jefferson, close though. He was only a slave owner from Virginia and about forty years younger than Mr. Franklin. However, none of that pertains to the Civil War, so as I was saying, General Grant…"

For the most part my class remained fairly incoherent, not that I really gave a shit, the less stupid these genetic anomalies spewed the more likely I would be able to go home without hitting the liquor store on the way.

As I finished up my lecture adding a few last minute notes on the board, not that they would remember them anyways, I made sure to keep my voice low as I mumbled to myself. "This job is so much easier with reefer," because it's like fucking clockwork, anytime you talk directly to one of these backwoods retards they look at you like you're speaking Hebrew, but the moment something slips out that wasn't meant for high school ears they latched onto that shit like Rosanne to a Nutter Butter.

"What was that Mr. Swan?"

See.

Clearing my throat I said, "It's not going to get any easier with the Reconstruction."

"Why'd we be learnen about buildin' things in History class?" Aw yes, because Mr. Yorkey can't go forty-five seconds without reinforcing my beliefs in forced sterilization.

I was just about to throw a dry erase marker across the room and lunge at the little dip shit, when I heard yelling echoing down the hall. "Where the fuck are you Jasper?"

'Edward?'

"Show yourself Swan!"

I cocked my head like a hunting hound toward my door and listened as the yelling grew louder.

"I'm not fucking kidding Assper!" Assper? "I know you're here fucktard your Honda's parked outside!"

'Damn, first Charlie and now him, I need to get a new car.'

I could hear shuffling and what sounded like Frau Johnson, the German teacher trying to calm down the maniac using the green hall of FHS as a megaphone. "Sir, this is a school. You can't come barging in here using profanity and threatening bodily harm on the faculty."

"Back up Frau! I mean no disrespect ma'am, but this is between me at that Toby Keith loving twat! Now tell me where I can find him."

"Mr. Cullen, you need-"

"Fine, I'll do this on my own!" I could hear doors opening and slamming closed as Edward worked his way down the hall actually searching the classrooms. "I swear on my unborn child that if you don't get your lanky bitch ass out here so I can beat the ever loving shit out of you Jasper Swan I will rip you out of whichever room you're hiding in like a little punk!"

Well at least Bella told Edward the news.

"Make it easier on yourself Swan; you do not want an audience for what I'm going to do to you!"

"Mr. S, were you getting some action on the side?"

'Damn I forgot there were still students here.' Whipping my attention to my class, "What? No, I wasn't getting any action on the side why would ask that?"

Travis shrugged. "Well you know playa; last time I heard smack like that was when Billy found out Matt was bonin' his girl."

I shook my head and put my arms out reassuringly as I announced, "Everyone just calm down. I'm sure this is just a huge misunderstanding, and no I am for sure not boning that man's girl."

As I stood there, I took a second to recognize that this moment will surely go down in Swan family infamy. I'm thinking something along the lines of Eddiegate 2009. We should really start a hall of fame. This would fit in just nicely between the time Bella got mistaken for a prostitute, and when Renee drove her car into the sanctuary of Forks Presbyterian.

Good times.

The Frau again tried to talk some sense into Edward. "Mr. Cullen, please you need to calm down otherwise we'll be forced to call the authorities to escort you off campus."

"You know what?" he yelled, "Call the chief, he and I need to have a little heart to heart anyways and you'd save me the effort of the phone call!"

As much as I was enjoying Edward making a complete and utter ass monkey out of himself, I needed to step in before people got stupid and actually called Charlie, no need to involve mustache Chuck.

Rolling back my shoulders, I put my game face on, and promised myself the pricy herbs as a reward for the good deed I was about to do as I headed into the hall.

"Edward," I called, "What's up man?"

Like a lion on the hunt his eyes latched onto my figure, pure hatred radiating from him as he stalked forward. "You fucking knew," he said from between clenched teeth.

Because, let's face it, I may be a bit of a condescending asshole, I crossed my arms over my chest and said something along the lines of, "I know a lot of things brother dearest, to which are you referring?"

About the time he had me smashed against the lockers beside my classroom door, I decided that probably wasn't the best route to travel.

Oh well, too late now.

His face was what Bella would call "all up in my grill", while he seethed out, "You know about the baby."

With a grin I nodded, "Ah yes situation ugly duckling, Congrats man! I'd slap you on the back, but you kind of have me pinned up against the wall." I punctuated my point by waving my arms from the elbows down, earning a growl in response. Sensing the danger when he slammed into me harder, I quickly added, "Not that I mind or anything, you just do you for the minute and I'll hang out."

A throat cleared to the right of us. In slow motion both our heads rolled in the direction to see Mrs. Cope, my boss and the school principle, standing about ten feet down the hall. "What seems to be the problem gentlemen?"

Edward quickly released me and he began to do that hair pulling thing he does to insure his future need for a Rogaine prescription, while staring at the ground and mumbling incoherent apologies.

I looked at him in complete distaste with a little shake of my head, because tough man here just had me up against the wall after searching a hall of classrooms for me, yet he can't even man up to a borderline midget with one foot in the grave and lipstick on her teeth, even if it was the Cope.

I straightened my dress shirt, realizing only then that I had worn the pink one, 'Way to look like a tool,' and I adjusted my tie before plastering on my most sincere charismatic smile and sauntering my way up to the old bitty.

"Mrs. Cope, you remember my brother-in-law Edward," I motioned to the douche bag who had taken up pacing back and forth and muttering to himself about crystal vases and Egyptian cotton. He waved slightly at the mention of his name, but never made eye contact or broke stride.

'Fucker straight lost his mind.'

Mrs. Cope smiled sweetly, but have no fear, I saw right through that friendly grandmother exterior. I had spent many a high school class period in my youth receiving that same smile, just before the gremlin dished out some sort of heinous punishment. "Ah yes, I remember Mr. Cullen. Forks High's baseball captain and valedictorian class of 2002? Or was it 2003?"

I grinned, showing off my pearly whites. Thank you Doctor Aurora. I might be a smoker, but I'm OCD when it comes to oral hygiene, "'02 ma'am." I turned my 1000 watt smile at crazy McGee, "Ya hear that bud she remembers you."

"Yeah, great," he mumbled before he went back to lunatic style ranting saying something along the lines of "fucking facebook."

'Right then.'

"So Mr. Cullen," oh dear Jesus she's trying to make direct contact. 'Deflect Swan, Deflect!'

"Actually Mrs. Cope, Edward was just leaving," I turned to my brother-in-law, "isn't that right Edward?"

Shifting his eyes from me to Mrs. Cope, I prayed that words would actually come out. "Uh, well… um… yeah?"

'Thanks for the help wanker.'

'You got this Swan, just need to stick the landing.' "Alright then," I said with a clap of my hands, "good to see ya bro, thanks for the visit." I moved toward Edward and slapped his shoulder, shoving in the direction of the nearest exit, "We'll talk later. I'll call you."

Looking confused, and downright humiliated he grunted in response a started in the direction of freedom.

'Keep going, no matter what don't look back.' I pleaded with him like he could hear my thoughts

Every step he took seemed slower than the last as I held my breath waiting for his to push his way through the door. I exhaled loudly when his hand finally touched the handle, but I should have known it was too good to be true.

"Actually Mr. Cullen," 'No, no, no, no, no, no whhhhhyyyy must she do that every fucking time?'

'Run, Edward, RUN! Save yourself, tell my future niece or nephew all about me.'

"I was hoping since you're already here, you wouldn't mind informing me what was so important that you needed to disrupt my school day?"

He paused; his hand flinched ever-so-slightly. Her voice had gotten to him, that sugary sweet Mrs. Butterworth's style warm gooey wholesomeness. Edward didn't know not to show weakness in front of the beast, but the momentary hesitation was all she needed to swoop in.

"Mr. S, " a voice came from behind me as I saw my students mounded three deep in the doorway, panic etched across the faces of those who knew the mythological power of the Cope, "You can't let her take him," Travis said looking over at Edward as he made his way back. "Remember the bro code Mr. S, she'll eat him alive."

With a nod, I knew what I needed to do. "Mrs. Cope," he better appreciate this, "do you think I could get someone to sit through the rest of my classes?" She glared in my direction and I reminded myself to treat her like a rabid dog and not look her in the eye. Apparently Eminem was wrong; I can be someone's fucking Superman.

"And what so pressing that you need to take a half day Mr. Swan?"

I looked at Edward, and softened my voice, "There's been a family emergency with my sister and the more I think about it, it would probably be for the best if I was there to help."

Mrs. Cope squinted; I could feel her skepticism as she looked from me to Edward, "Which sister?"

Knowing full well the Cope's severe dislike of my younger sibling I blurted out "Rosalie."

Too bad that's when the baby's daddy decided to form coherent words and blurt out "Bella."

I shot him a look that said 'shut the fuck up', and then smiled in the direction of the she devil. "It really has to deal with both of them Mrs. Cope."

"I see." She paused and pursed her lips, "Alright Mr. Swan I'll personally sit in on the rest of your classes. I assume your lesson plans are in order?"

I nodded as I looked out of the corner of my eye to see eighteen faces sporting various degrees of fear.

Guilt crippled me briefly, but I managed a "Thank you Mrs. Cope," before walking into my classroom and darting through the small path that my students had made between the doorway and my desk.

Grabbing my messenger bag and my coat I left the room, but not before I heard, "You owe us Swan!"

That was the first intelligent thing I ever heard Travis Yorkey say.

Without another word, because lord knows I didn't want to give Edward another opportunity to agitate the beast, I grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him behind me and exited the school.

I shoved him the direction of his pretentious masturbation hatch-back and stomped toward my Civic yelling over my shoulder, "My house asshole, seven minutes."

"Why?"

"Because wife's brother, I don't keep the goods at your house lint licker."

"The goods?"

Rolling my eyes, I pinched my forefinger and thumb together, bringing the connected junction to my lips and recognition flickered across his facial features. "Six minutes, forty-eight seconds. Time's a wastin'!" With that slammed my door shut and prepared the Honda for departure.

I made it to my house in less than six minutes; apparently the single Forks traffic light was working in my favor.

I exited the car and heard another slam echo my own followed by a dramatic sigh of defeat.

What a broody motherfucker.

Walking toward my door, I could almost smell my reward, as I repeated a simple mantra over and over.

'Need weed.'

'Need weed.'

'Need weed.'

"I just don't underst-" I cut Edward off mid-word with a raise of my hand.

"No talk, need weed."

"Are you joking? I just treated a public high school like Desert Storm and you're only concern is getting high?"

I rounded on him, catching him off-guard by my sudden movements.

Yeah, I'm like a ninja.

"Oh no, this is your problem, and I don't mind helpin' a brotha out," I could feel my anger rise, and along with it my limbs started to flail, a trait I picked up from the ol' ball and chain, "but I've already had to deal with my mother this morning and the Cope this afternoon because of your situation. So NO, there will be no form of conversation until I'm out of this cunt colored pink shirt and have had my wacky tobaccy."

Throwing his hands up in surrender, Edward nodded, because he's a fucking genius, and slowly followed me into the house.

***

I inhaled deeply, forcing myself to cough to speed up my buzz.

Edward, heeding my advice hadn't said a word in the last twenty minutes. Thank God for small miracles.

Taking one last hit, I cautiously placed my Black Beauty on its' coaster, Alice flips a shit when I leave bong rings on the coffee table, and made note of the three empty beer bottles in front of Negative Nancy on my couch.

I flipped the legs up on my Lay-z-Boy as I reclined back with a stretch. "Alright pops," I said looking at his fidgety figure as he took a pull of beer number four. He cocked is eyebrow in my direction, audibly swallowing, causing his Adam's apple bob nervously, "Start at the beginning."

Confused he questioned, "The beginning?"

"Right," I deadpanned. "Start in the middle and then whimsically jump around avoiding all concept of chronological order. I love good story when it's told from the perspective of a goddamned schizophrenic."

"It's because you say shit like that I never go out with you public."

Forming a thin line with my lips I hummed in feigned disbelief, "Hmm… imagine that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Never mind Cullen" I said with a dismissive wave of my hand, "how about you just talk and I'll chime in when I understand what's going on?"

"Okay," he said as he leaned his elbows onto his knees and then ran his hands through his already disheveled mop. Bringing his hands in front of his face he groaned in frustration, "I've always… you know… well actually you don't know, but… yeah… I've like Bella for a while."

Was this tool for real?

Closing my eyes and rolling my hand I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah fast forward through the high school and college years of unrequited love you had for my baby sister that you filled with fuckin' the harpy and romps with numerous cheap tartlets."

Looking at me in disbelief, "You knew about that?"

'Did he seriously just ask that?'

"The years you spent rolling my twin in the preverbal hay along with any other harlot willing to give you a turn… uh… yeah. It's not you were hiding it there slugger."

"Not that," he said with a shake of his head. "You knew I liked Bella?"

I looked at him, I mean really looked at him, and all I could come up with was "how?" I know I've questioned his ability to be successful financially before, but at that moment I was so flabbergasted, and too high to concern myself with a mental filter, I actually said the word out loud. "How?!"

"How?" Edward asked.

Sitting up, my chair instantly reacted with my shift in weight smacking me in the back. "Yes! How?! I mean seriously how? How do you function, let alone successfully? For Christ's sake Edward, you have absolutely no common sense, Jazzica's living proof. You're about as articulate as chimpanzee in heat, what with all the grunts and head bobbing. And you're a shit of liar, you work in advertising, you shouldn't even know how to tell the truth."

Crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back into the corner of the couch, Edward asked, "Feel better?"

"As a matter of fact I do," I replied with a smirk as I re-reclined my seat.

Sarcastically he responded, "I'm glad, but who's Jazzica?"

I rolled my eyes. "Your spawn Cullen, keep up, I don't have all day so how about I tell you what I know and then you fill in with what happened this morning okay?"

I took his shrug as a response. "Okay then. Correct me if I'm wrong, the night we were all at the Saloon you and my baby sister consumed enough alcohol to make the average human comatose and then had a party for two without the proper decorations." He nodded and I puked in my mouth a little at the thought. "The next morning she has me come get her, while I assume you were still warm in your bed," Edward snorted at this. "We zip up to last week when Bells cancels plans with Alice because she has food poisoning, that turns out not to be food poisoning. In a moment of pure desperation she calls her big brother, that's me, and breaks the news to him, and he convinces her to tell the baby daddy. That's you" I pointed at Edward, "in case you forgot." I punctuated my story with a little eye flutter. "Your turn, how did she break the news?"

He stood up and walked over to my window, moving the left curtain to the side and leaned in to focus at whatever he was looking at and scrunched up his face like he was smelling something bad, which in a room full of herbtastic scents wasn't possible, then shuddered at let go of the curtain. "Someone should tell Old man Graham that sheer curtains on your window does not make it okay to walk about your house in your birthday suit, especially when you own that many cats."

"I asked him about that."

He turned to look at me, "What did he say?"

Struggling to sit up in my recliner I stated. "That's why they're declawed."

"Oh. That's creepy."

"Yeah," I said reaching for my bong, "but not as odd as that chick that had to have her nipple reattached on Nip/Tuck because her dog bit it off."

"Yeah, that was weird." He reclaimed his seat on the couch before continuing, "Wait, you watch Nip/Tuck?"

"Yeah it's my wife's favorite show. What's your excuse?"

Edward shifted his weight and opened his mouth a few times to answer, but then changed the subject. "Anyways, Bella invited me for coffee; she said she came straight from work so she was already there when I walked in. By the way, what does she do?"

I was making sure Black Beauty was in operational order when I answered absentmindedly, "She's the morning DJ on 102 The Rock" then amended by adding "… amongst other things." It's weird, and I don't fully understand her reasoning, but she's female so that's to be expected, but my little sister likes to keep her occupation under wraps. If she wasn't so damn snarky I would think she was part of some covert government agency, but no, she's just a disc jockey, well like I said, amongst other things.

I'm just glad she's putting that English degree to good use.

Edward nodded at my cryptic wording, his eyebrows all furrowed in quiet confusion. I mimicked his facial expression, wishing I could read his mind, because I'm sure his imagination was coming up with a plethora of juicy possibilities.

"Right," he continued with a little shake of his head, "So I get there, and she's already there so I feel like a total douche because I'm all late and shit, but then I notice that she's talking all hush-hush with Ali about band-aids or something?"

"Okay?" I responded matching his questioning tone, all the while thinking, 'Was that rhetorical?'

"Damn it!" He grunted out taking to his feet again, pulling his hair and pacing back and forth. I don't know what it is about these Cullens, but their incessant need to move, all the damn time, wears me out just looking at them. "I'm such a fucking moron."

I sighed dramatically; I really wasn't in the mood for Emoward. I took another hit, self medicating away the negative vibes trying to invade my chakras, and gave the man some positive feedback. "I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you're making it out to be."

I was mentally patting myself on the back, enjoying my smoked filled lungs, when Edward turned, looked at me, and for a lack of a better term, shit hemorrhaged. "Not bad? Not bad?! I fucking accused her of being a drug dealer, made myself sound like a whore, and then snuck out the back of the Java Station after she told me she was pregnant! Then, just to top it off I storm Forks High all Green Beret style and practically beg them to call Charlie, because apparently I want to die!"

I thought for a moment, scratching behind my left ear, taking in what he was saying. Was I supposed to comfort him, because he is a complete moron, or should I beat the fuck out of him for dicking over my sister… again?

Just then, like a beacon from above, the sun broke from behind the clouds and came shimmering through my living room window, illuminating Black Beauty in all her glory. With a solitary nod in agreement with the big guy's divine intervention I held out my bong in Edward's direction, "You need this more than I do."

Edward, all red in the face began to say something else, probably rude and completely uncalled for, but thankfully I was saved his indignation of my generous offer when surprisingly his shoulders shank and his left hand captured my second most prized possession, Bella did buy it for me as a "thanks for bailing me out of jail" gift.

We sat in silence, with the exception of a much avoided phone call from Emmett.

"Are you going to answer that?" Edward asked mid cough. Newbie.

"Nope" I answered reaching for my dime bag, "unless you want me to talk to Emmett?"

"Uh… not particularly."

"Then we'll just let that go to voicemail."

Time wore on after that, the room growing darker, and my stash shrinking smaller as the hours progressed.

At some point Alice came home, but uncharacteristically kept to herself, only tossing an 'I love you, see you soon' in my direction and ever endearing 'Fuck off and die Edward' as she made her exit, punctuating the sentiment with a slam of the door.

The echoing bang of the steel door against the wood frame was what finally ripped us from our marijuana induced stupor.

Placing his elbows onto his knees, and dropping his head into his hands, wagging it left and right Edward ended hours of silence, "Fuck… my … life."

"Well," I chimed in, "Think of the upside, you knocked up Bella and not Rose. At least we know your embryo isn't in there growing horns and a tail." I chuckled at the vision of Rose giving birth to her future demon children, but then quickly sobered at the thought.

I don't wish that kind of evil on the world.

Edward turned his head, making eye-contact with me through the gap between his fore and middle fingers. Flatly he said, "That was helpful".

"What?" I asked.

Edward shrugged his shoulders and took to rubbing his hands over his face, "I have to fix this," he whined as his hands rounded his head and settled at the back of his neck.

Getting up from my recliner, I looked down at my brother-in-law before padding my way into the kitchen. My stomach was grumbling and I had a sudden desire for apple and cinnamon instant oatmeal.

That Quaker makes a mean processed breakfast.

I was midst of my hunt, submerged in the depths of my pantry, shuffling boxes of Easy-Mac and parting cans of corn like the Red Sea, when I heard Edward open the fridge and pop yet again another beer.

As I pushed a herd of canned green beans out of the way, I spotted the Holy Grail of warm convenience breakfasts wedged in the far right corner behind the strawberry Pop-Tarts.

I reached with my left hand, ducking my head under the above shelf to improve my range just as Edward slammed the counter, in a knee jerk reaction I jumped and yelled "JESUS FUCK!" My head collided with the shelf above me and cans of mushroom rained down making contact with my back and then my poor innocent feet.

With a final grunt, I lunged grabbing my cereal box and yanked with abandon ignoring the items in my way as they tumbled this direction and that. Seething and holding my precious oatmeal to my chest I stepped from the narrow closet and slowly turned to throw deadly glare that even Rosalie could be proud of in Edward's direction. "You… need… to calm… the fuck… down."

I pushed past him making a b-line for the instant tea kettle contraption to heat my water, and gracefully set down the Quakery goodness on the counter, tapping the box twice to insure no animosity between myself and my pending meal.

While the water heated, I maneuvered, leaning against the counter facing my brother-in-law, and crossed my arms over my chest.

Edward, like a little bitch, avoided eye contact like I had Chlamydia on my face. "Fine." He looked at me in confusion my single word not really making sense when said out of context. You know, one of those times where you're thinking more than you're really saying. It happens to me a lot. "I'll help you. I'm probably signing my membership card for the Abstinence Club, but you're right, you need to fix this, it's not your fault that you have absolutely no clue how B operates."

He nodded, eyes cast down, fucking chimp that one.

My kettle screamed, quickly I bowled, poured and stirred the freeze dried flakes and fruit chunks, until it reached a gooey consistency.

Bowl in one hand, spoon in the other, I raised my flatware filled hand into the air and proclaimed, "To the Bat Cave, Robin, we need to book you a fight to Cleveland."

***

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