Disclaimer: Don't own them. Not making any money.
A/N: And we're back to Ranger and Steph in the 7th floor apartment (chapter 4 for those who need a reference)
Basically this chapter is just a transition between Steph's memories and present day plot. There will definitely be more past that will be drudged up but present day activities start taking center stage again.
Hope you like it! Thanks for reading.
-Cyn
For The Love Of Another
Chapter 07: A Parallel Life
Things were quiet after I finished telling Ranger everything. Well ok so maybe not everything. I'm pretty sure my almost boyfriend wouldn't be too happy to hear about my . . . about Eli playing doctor with me that night. Although from the look in Ranger's eyes he knows there is a lot more to the story, of that night and beyond, than I'm telling.
With a drawn-out sigh I stood up and tossed our empty water bottles in the recycle bin. I moved to walk past Ranger but he grabbed me by my belt loops and pulled me against him. My entire body tensed when he wrapped his arms around my back as he just held me.
His voice was soft when he spoke. "You'll tell me everything."
It wasn't really a question but it wasn't exactly a command either. The fact that it was somewhere in between had me relaxing against him. I closed my eyes and tucked my head under his chin before nodding.
I pressed myself further against him; half hoping I could just fall into his body. Ranger practically exudes strength and I wanted to absorb every bit of his that I could. The world still spun when I was near him but I wasn't quite as dizzy as I was away from him.
It wasn't long before his hold on me wasn't enough though. I needed something more. Something I couldn't even name. There were just a lot of strong emotions warring inside me right now that I wish I could lock back up and pretend they didn't exist. It was a lot to ask of Ranger, but I hoped he'd be able to help anyways.
"Can we just," I paused trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Can we just lie down for a little while? Before we go back down to work?"
Ranger pulled back and waited until I opened my eyes to answer. Whatever he saw in them made him nod. Wordlessly we moved from the kitchen to the bedroom.
These past few days have been wearing me down physically and emotionally. At first I tried so hard not to let them get to me but as much as I want to, I just can't unring this bell. Hearing Noah's name made so many memories fight to get out of their hiding place in the deepest, darkest corner of my mind. Seeing him though, there was no way for me to stop them from surging back one after the other. Sleep was short and erratic. Dreams plagued my nights until I woke up crying out in fear or pain. I never remembered the dreams though. I'm not really sure if I was thankful for that or not.
Every hour of every day I have to fight with myself to not think about the past I forced myself to forget.
Every day I lose that battle. Memory after memory forced its way to the surface.
I'll admit some of them are pretty harmless. Thinking of them makes me smile and laugh. Like the first time Noah bought me coffee after I got him out of that alley. Or when he said something stupid in front of his mother and she smacked the back of his head. Those were happy memories.
More often than not though, my thoughts were about Eli. Thinking of him brought me nothing but sorrow and pain.
And I'm so tired of the pain.
When Ranger and I were in the bedroom we didn't even bother to get under the covers. I slipped my shoes off before crawling onto the bed. The gun off his belt was placed into its lockbox in the closet. Next came the two blades strapped to his ankle. They were locked away too. Then off came his boots and belt before he finally slipped his watch off.
The man walking towards me was as dangerous as they come. Even without the gun or blades I knew he could kill someone within minutes. And as dangerous as his arms were, they were the one place I knew I was the safest. Nothing could get to me as long as Ranger was by my side. I'm hoping that holds true for my past as well.
As soon as Ranger was on the bed, I scooted closer and laid my head right over his heart. His left arm wrapped around my body as I listened to his steady heartbeat. It was one of my favorite sounds in the whole world. It's a sound not many people can say they've heard. Not just anyone can get close to Ranger's heart.
Physically or emotionally.
I hadn't meant to fall asleep but it wasn't long before I was drifting off, falling back into a world that I barely survived years before.
The morning after the party I woke up to Marcus' soft knocking on the door. He told me that whenever I was ready he would take me back to my dorm. I shouldn't have been surprised but it still hurt that Noah wasn't going to be the one taking me back. When I asked why Marcus would be the one taking me back, he looked everywhere but at me. He said there was unavoidable business everyone had to leave to deal with so he was the only here at the moment but that Noah would call me when he could.
It was sweet that Marcus wanted to spare my feelings but I knew a brush off when I heard one.
What hurt the most was that they were cutting me off without giving me a chance. I don't know why but I expected more from Noah. With his big, loud personality I half expected him to come storming in during the night and kick me out. I expected some long speech about how we couldn't hang out anymore and that his life was too dangerous. I expected Mama Deni to tell me it would be better off if I didn't come over again. I expected Eli to . . . Well I expected something.
What I didn't expect was silence.
Marcus had left a pair of plain black sweatpants and an old Penn State shirt for me to change into. My fingers had a mind of their own, tracing the letters of the shirt before I realized what I was doing. I knew without a doubt that these were Eli's clothes. I didn't like the slow warmth that settled in my stomach because of that information. Instead I welcomed a different kind of heat burning through me. The anger of being pushed away like I was nothing quickly kicked aside any warm and fuzzy feelings inside me.
It wasn't fair that I didn't get a voice in what comes next. Yesterday was twenty different kinds of hell but I thought I took it all well. I mean it's not every day a girl is thrown against a railing trying to protect who is essentially her best friend's brother and . . . something she can't even give a name to.
It's my life. I should be able to get a say in this. My options shouldn't be taken away because of a bad night.
It was my decision to make if I wanted to stay connected with this family.
They shouldn't get the only say.
Wiping away angry tears, I walked into the bathroom to get changed. After Eli had left last night I had crawled under the covers and fell asleep almost instantly so I still was just wearing the robe. I had to bite my lip to keep quiet when I untied the robe. My ribs were even worse today. They were all different shades of red and purple and still looked a little swollen. I checked to see how high I could raise my arm but had to stop before I even got it parallel to the floor.
I bit my lip even harder as more tears gathered in my eyes.
I didn't even know why I was crying. Maybe it was because I was angrier than I've ever been before. Maybe it was because of the pain. Maybe it was because I was still so tired.
Maybe it was all of it.
Maybe it was none of it.
Working as quickly as my side allowed I cleaned off the little make-up I didn't remove yesterday, swept my hair into a loose ponytail – which was a bitch and a half to do – and slipped on the clean clothes.
Getting the shirt on was the hardest part. It left me a little sweaty and breathless and filled my lungs with a deep, earthy smell I would rather forget. Just standing next to Eli on the stairs for a couple minutes before the party was enough for my brain to label the scent as just his. Not even a washer could get rid of Eli's unmistakable scent. Noah always wore a different cologne every day and I knew there was no way anyone could bottle this shirts particular scent. It was half dark and woody, and half soft and airy, blending together perfectly.
If anyone could bottle this scent, they'd be instant millionaire. Its richness was heavy, but it was so sweet and light I brought the collar of the shirt up to my nose to get another breath of it.
After a moment I realized what I was doing and scowled as I pulled the shirt back in place. The shirt was just a shirt. It didn't matter who it belonged to.
I told myself I was being ridiculous and walked back into the bedroom.
On the nightstand were a glass of water and a bottle of Aleve. I swallowed two pills dry before drinking half the glass.
Marcus knocked on the door and came in carrying a tray of muffins, croissants, and bagels with little dishes of jams and butter to the side. He put the tray on the edge of the bed before turning towards me with a small smile.
"You should eat something before we go. It's a long drive and you haven't had a real meal since yesterday's brunch."
For once food wasn't a priority with me. I didn't want to be in this house for another minute. The silence would drive me crazy. I just wanted to be at home already. "I'll eat a muffin in the car if that's alright," I said turning towards the tray so I wouldn't have to look into Marcus' sad eyes anymore.
"Of course," he replied, his voice a little softer than a minute ago.
I picked up a blueberry muffin and a napkin, before following two steps behind Marcus as he led the way to the front door. A navy blue SUV was already in the circular driveway. Marcus helped me settle into my seat before he walked around to the driver's side.
The drive back to my dorm was long and quiet. The only sounds came from the speakers as a random radio station hummed in the background. I picked at my muffin to stop Marcus' sideways stares.
There were a few times when I saw him open his mouth but after a moment he closed it again and kept driving.
When we finally got to my dorm it was after noon. I mumbled a quick thank you and got out of the car, trying to ignore the sharp stinging that raced down my side. I heard Marcus call my name but I walked ahead, not even bothering to turn back.
My roommate was out again for the weekend. It's probably the only time that I'll ever be mad about her being gone. I needed sound right now. I needed noise and distractions. I needed to forget it all.
I turned the TV on and cranked up my stereo before crawling back into my own bed. I sunk into the comfort of my cheap sheets in my cheap bed, driving everything out of my mind.
I fell asleep easily but unlike the night before, I was thrown into what would become my regular nightmare.
The dream haunted me every night for two weeks. It always started the same with me and Elijah out on that porch and that couple following soon after. Every night there was fighting and blood flowing everywhere but it wasn't because of Noah and the other man. Every drop of blood belonged to Eli.
The most common dream I had is where I stood frozen as the man beat Eli without mercy. I told myself to move but my body refused to obey. I wanted to cry and scream but I couldn't even do that. I just stood there watching helplessly as Eli was hit and kicked over and over again. He was becoming unrecognizable with his skin torn everywhere, red covering his whole body.
I was forced to stay still even as the woman came out of nowhere. She moved her dress up her leg until I could see the gun strapped to her ankle. I fought against myself even as she handed the man the gun. My stomach rolled when the man dropped to one of his knees and leveled the gun at Eli's forehead but my body still didn't move.
I was trapped inside myself. There was nothing I could do to save Eli.
Suddenly I wasn't eighteen anymore. It wasn't Eli that had a gun pointed to his head. The fear inside me tripled in an instant. I could only watch as Ranger's eyes held mine for a second before the other man pulled the trigger.
I woke to Ranger shaking my shoulders. My ears were ringing and my heart thudded violently inside my chest. The soreness in my throat made me think I hadn't just been screaming in my head.
Ranger was laying on his left side gently cupping my face in his hands, wiping away tears I hadn't even known were falling down my cheeks. My shaky breathing was the only sound in the apartment.
I focused on Rangers eyes as I struggled to separate dream from reality. There was a pulsing in my side that didn't make sense. Ranger was the first on my mind but Eli was floating around in the back, trying to work his way up but I refused to let him.
Instead I basically tackled Ranger so he ended up on is back with me stretched out on top of him. There was a half a second's pause of Ranger just staring at me in shock before I hastily pressed my lips against his.
The kiss was messy, hard and absolutely filled with desperation. Neither one of us held back. Tongues searched deep, teeth bit hard on lips, and hands fisted in each other's hair. But it wasn't just our tongues that were fighting for control. After a particularly hard bit to his lower lip, Ranger pinned me underneath him, pressing me down into the bed to try to keep me still. I struggled to get back on top but Ranger was having none of that. The more I tried to flip us the more securely he held me, and eventually the softer his kisses became.
That wasn't what I wanted at all though. I wanted to be lost in Ranger until he was all I knew.
I tried to raise my head to deepen the kiss again but somehow Ranger managed lock both of my hands in one of his while his other hand fisted in my hair, keeping my head still.
A strangled cry tore out of my throat as his lips barely brushed against mine. Tears pooled inside my eyes again and I was completely powerless to stop them. I was gasping, trying so hard to keep a part of myself together but it was useless. In a matter of seconds I was sobbing in Rangers arms. The sounds coming out of me were filled with nothing but pure agony.
I barely noticed Ranger shift us until I was back on my side with my face tucked against his chest. I fisted my hands into his shirt and gripped it as if it was the only thing keeping me on this planet.
Broken cries continued to pour out of me as years of pent up grief finally found release. Whether my heart raced in relief or heartbreak I wasn't sure but it felt way too big to fit into my chest. Its heavy weight made me cry more.
I cried until I physically couldn't anymore. I cried until I was nothing more than a sniffling, shaking mess inside of Rangers arms. The death grip I had on his shirt was making my hands tremble but I couldn't let go. No matter what I couldn't let him go.
I waited until the shaking stopped and my hiccups faded away before I spoke. When I did my voice was hoarse and paper-thin but my words carried a heavy weight. "You're not allowed to die."
There was a moment's pause before Ranger said anything. "Babe."
I forced my head out of its hiding spot and looked him in the eyes. My voice still sounded terrible but I made myself speak louder. "You can't die." Before he could respond I kept talking. "I'm serious Ranger. You have to promise me. Right now you have to promise me that you'll never die." My heart stuttered at the thought alone.
Ranger leaned down to kiss my forehead but I moved back. "Promise me," I demanded.
He stared at me for a long time before he said, "I promise to never leave you."
"That's not the same thing and you know it!" I yelled as loud as I could manage, but the sound barely made it across the room.
Ranger cautiously reached up and tucked a wayward curl behind my ear. "And you know I won't make promises I can't keep," his voice was soft and filled with regret. It hurt him that he couldn't give me what I needed the most right now.
"You have to promise me," I begged, tucking myself back against him. "You can never die. Not ever."
He kissed my hair before laying his cheek against the top of my head. His arms around me tightened. "I'll never leave you Babe. No matter what I'll never leave you."
That was the most I could ever get from him. It wasn't enough. Not even close to being enough.
But it was all I could have right now.
A/N: With Stephanie still struggling with her past, will things in her present life make things better or harder for her? Reviews are lovely!
