A/N: hey guys!
So, this is the last chapter for today. I'd apologies for the spam, but I'm not even sorry. I'm going to go to bed now because it's 12:30.
Before I do go, I just wanna stress that I'd love love love love love some reviews because I've been working on this for a bit and I'd love some recognition/some encouragement :) But, I totally understand that reviewing isn't really a thing people are into (I'm often a silent reader, increasingly so since I read on my iPod), so things like subscribing, favourite-ing, you know, the usual things you can do for a writer/story. All those are great and I love them so much!
However, based on the current statistics for each chapter, there probably aren't even people reading this far into the story (i.e. dropping off after the first chapter because this isn't what you expected etc.), I'm totally aware that I probably won't recieve any e-mails from when I wake up, unless they're my own subscriptions.
Actually, you know what? Just reading and getting some numbers up for me is fantastic and it really makes doing this... parody thing more fun and fantastic.
Nonetheless, let me know your favourite lines, your least favourite lines, lines you'd change, favourite new character (I actually love that Minivan, to be honest) and so on! I can promise that our dear friend Angelo will be even more fabulous.
Gah! I'm sorry, I'm rambling. The moral of the story is: I'd love to get an e-mail telling me someone reviewed, subscribed, favourited, whatnot, when I wake up and I shall repay dearly with a few more chapters ;)
Right.
Enjoy.
X
They arrived at Lauriston Gardens and Ermergerd-Lock and Jawn began to walk towards the scene of the crime. There were police everywhere. They were all looking as though they had no clue what was going on and a shit load of police tape covered the area. Jawn swore he saw a police officer wrapped in it, stumbling around. He looked like a blue and white mummy…
"Did I fuck up?"
Jawn shrugged. "Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara-"
"Harry and I," Ermergerd-Lock corrected.
The doctor narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Sure. Clara and Harry broke up 'bout three months ago and are going through the divorce. I suggested an annulment but Harry assures me they do not even make the criteria. Harry had the appropriate paperwork. And Harry is indeed a drinker."
"Aww yeah! 10/10! Champion!" Ermegerd-Lock exclaimed, Mario jumping again.
"And Harry is short for Harriet," Jawn said before continuing the walk towards the crime scene.
"Harry's you're sister?"
"At birth. Xe is gender-fluid so it's Harry some days, Harriet others. Anyway, what's the point of me being here?" Jawn asked. Don't worry about Harry. Xe chose a neutral pronoun to avoid any confusion. Besides, we won't hear much of xer until, like, season 3. IDK.
Ermergerd-Lock was frustrated. "Sister!"
"Ermergerd-Lock, pls. What the fuck am I supposed to do here?" Jawn spat out.
"There's always something, Jawn," Ermergerd-Lock said. "Anyway, I had no signs to point to her gender.
"Freak! What the fuck are you doin' here?" Minivan asked as they approached. Ermergerd-Lock and Minivan did one of 'em "manly" hugs were they thump each other's backs.
"Brother, yo. Papa Bear wants me here," he said, taking a step back from Minivan.
She frowned and crossed her arms. "Fuck off. Why are you really here?"
"I think he wants me to take a look? IDK."
"Well," she started, "you know what I think, don't you?"
Ermergerd-Lock grabbed a handful of tape and lifted it as high as possible to get in. "Always," he replied, tears welling in his eyes. He blinked them away and took a deep, creepy breath in though his nose. "Sorry to hear you didn't make it home last night."
"You wot, mate?" Minivan started before looking at Jawn who was sliding under the tape. He was feeling such like Milford StandDown now, or whatever his name was: silently watching awkward conversations.
"I- who the fuck are you?" she asked as she looked at Jawn.
He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "This is ma bro, Doctor Jawn Wats-Off. We're besties." Ermergerd-Lock turned to Jawn. "Bitch, that's Sally Minivan. She's somehow a Sergeant and an old friend. She and I are as close as my thighs," he told the doctor before motioning down. "As you see, I have a huge ass thigh gap. I only got it so I could make said joke with Minivan. Speaking of which, yes, Jawn and I are colleagues now."
"A colleague? How do you get a colleague?! Did you follow the doctor home? Wouldn't be the fuckin' first time! What did Papa Bear and I say about that?"
"Erm…" Jawn said, looking about awkwardly. "Should I just wait-"
"NUP!" Ermergerd-Lock screamed, not looking at Jawn at all.
Minivan sighed and grabbed her walkie-talkie. She brought it to her mouth and pressed a few buttons before getting the right one. "Got him. He'll be in in a few," she said before walking towards the house, the boys in tow.
Doctor Jawn looked about with his mouth open like a child. He looked at the trees, at the pavement, as Ermergerd-Lock's arse, but not the last one.
"Ah, Anderson," Ermergerd-Lock said. "Here we are again."
"This is a crime scene," the pretentious douche said, waving his pretentious hand about. "I don't want it contaminated, you dig?"
"I dig." Ermergerd-Lock took another unnecessarily deep breath through his nose. "You're wife at her mum's for long?"
Anderson began to whine. "Wha-t? Who told you? We were trying to keep it under wraps." He stamped his foot and pouted.
"Your hideous deodorant told me," Ermergerd-Lock replied with a grimace. "It's so gross."
"M-my deodorant?" Was Ermergerd-Lock finally noticing Anderson?
Ermergerd-Lock smirked at him. "It's for men."
Everyone froze, staring at the detective. "No shit. That's why I wear it."
"Sergeant Minivan's wearing the same thing." Anderson gave him a shocked, pretentious look and looked over at Minivan. Their hearts stopped and Ermergerd-Lock took another deep breath. "I think it just vaporised," he snickered.
"I don't know what you're trying to imply-"
"Because he's an idiot," Ermergerd-Lock whispered to Jawn.
"-But I don't like it," Anderson told him, waving a pretentious hand around.
"I'm not implying anything," Ermergerd-Lock said as he started to walk into the building of the crime scene. "I'm sure Minivan just came around for a happy little chatty chat." He spun around and looked at Jawn, Anderson and Minivan. "She just… happened to stay over, I guess. Oh, and so kind! She scrubbed your floors, judging by her knees. That's fab, you're wife'll be happy when she returns!" He motioned for Jawn to follow before turning around and walking back into the building.
Jawn looked down at Minivan's knees before looking up at her. "Fuck off. If you're gonna try'n shame me, you better fucking shame him," she growled out before snarling at Jawn. "Keep walking, kid."
He blushed and ran after Ermergerd-Lock. He was standing by Gavin Lestrade who was putting on his coverall. Ermergerd-Lock looked over at Jawn and pointed to the coveralls.
"You have to put this one or Papa Bear here will shower you in hand sanitiser."
Papa Bear (aka Gavin Lestrade), looked over at the doctor and frowned. "Who. Are. You?" he asked.
"He's ma brother," Ermergerd-Lock said with a smile. He took off his own gloves and grabbed the latex gloves on offer.
"I don't give a shit, who is he?"
Ermergerd-Lock glared at Lestrade. "I said, he's my brother. He with me, bitch!"
After years of taking orders, both in a restaurant and in the army, Jawn complied with Ermergerd-Lock's request. He was putting the coveralls on when he looked at Ermegerd-Lock, wearing his normal getup and latex gloves.
He frowned at the detective and pointed at the coveralls. "You'd look fab in a coverall." After seeing Ermergerd-Lock's face, Jawn shook his head. "Silly me, I'm an idiot."
The detective looked over at Lestrade. "Where we at, Greg?"
Ignoring the fact that Ermergerd-Lock hadn't learnt his name yet, Gavin grabbed another pair of latex gloves and slipped them on his hands, creating a third layer of latex. He didn't want to touch a dead person. Ew. Dead people carry diseases like the plague!
"Follow me."
