Strength and Courage

Chapter 7

AN: Here is the seventh chapter. I'm not getting many reviews which makes me a little sad, but I have 10 followers so that's pretty cool. Please let me know what you think! Warning—this chapter is really, really intense, and I cannot stress trigger warnings enough.

Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.

I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! –Gabby

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

"Jennifer?" Emily called again when she didn't get a reply. The brunette profiler sensed something was wrong as she entered the house, but now, she was almost positive something was amiss. She took out her cell phone and called her wife. It didn't go to voicemail, but JJ didn't pick up. JJ always replied to Emily when she called her, always answered her phone, always texted her back. The fact that she didn't concerned Emily greatly. The agent placed her bag gently on a side table in front of her, grabbing her gun and cellphone, and then slowly and quietly made her up the staircase leading upstairs.

"Jennifer?!" she called almost desperately when she reached the top of the stairs. Again, there was no reply, and Emily began to really panic. She put her cellphone in her pocket and reached for her gun, aiming it directly in front of her as she walked.

She started with their guest room, expertly examining every corner, every crevice, every inch, searching for signs of an intruder. There was nothing suspect, so she made her way to the guest bathroom, once again finding nothing. "Jennifer?" she tried one more time. Emily felt like she was just wasting time at this point, so she walked briskly into the bedroom she shared with JJ. The room was dark and quiet, but the bathroom light was on and the shower was running.

Emily was pretty sure what was going on now, so she put her cellphone on the charger quickly and placed her gun gingerly on the bedside table on her side of the bed she shared with her wife.

She walked to the door of their bathroom and knocked three times. "Jennifer?" She knocked again. "Jen? It's me. Are you okay?"

There was a moment of silence, well not silence completely-Emily could still hear the shower and the sound of her own nervous breathing. Then, Emily heard the sound she was expecting to hear. If Emily didn't know JJ so well, she would have missed it, but for the brunette, her wife crying was an unmistakable sound—and one of the most awful to hear.

JJ still didn't speak, so Emily waited a few seconds before speaking again. "Jen? Sweetheart, I'm coming in."

The moment she opened the door, Emily was met with a sight that broke her heart into a thousand pieces.


"So, where's JJ?" Penelope asked. She and Morgan had come over to check on JJ and Emily about a week after the blonde's rescue.

"Oh, she's in the shower. She pretty much lives in there. There and our bed." Emily gratefully took the bunch of flowers Morgan had handed her and grabbed a vase from the cupboard in their kitchen.

"So, I take it she's not doing so great?" Morgan said.

"Well, it's minute-by-minute, but last I checked, she claims she's absolutely fine, but jumps at the sound of the doorbell." Emily filled the vase with water and placed the flowers in it. "Thank you, Derek. These are beautiful and Jen will really appreciate it."

"Is there anything we can do for you guys?" Penelope almost begged. She desperately wanted to help her best friend, but she didn't know how. The truth was, she pretty much understood there wasn't really anything she could do.

Emily shook her head. "This means the world to the both of us; everything else will just take time."

Penelope and Derek both nodded. "Well, we should probably get going," Morgan stated. "JJ might get scared if she sees me."

Emily smiled at her best friend and partner sympathetically. "It has nothing to do with you, Morgan," she reassured. "You're one of the good guys and Jennifer knows that instinctively. She's just so easily triggered; I really hope you understand that."

"I do, Prentiss. When she's ready though, tell her I'm waiting to give her a bear hug."

"I will definitely do that." Emily walked her friends to the door and then went upstairs to check on JJ.

The bathroom door was closed, but the water wasn't running anymore. "Jen? You okay?" There was no response, so Emily knocked on the door lightly. "Jennifer, honey, are you okay?" Again, no reply. Emily began to seriously worry. JJ had been having panic attacks every day, so to fear the panic attack of the day was happening was not illogical. "I'm opening the door, baby."

JJ was sitting in the corner of the bathroom, unclothed, and furiously scrubbing her arm with a loofah. Emily at first assumed she was cleaning the slit in her right arm, but then she noticed the red line on the arm doing the cleaning. "Jen? What are you doing?" she asked softly.

JJ cringed, but didn't look up from her task, rubbing the loofah on her wrist even faster than before. Emily cautiously approached her wife and kneeled down in front of her. What she noticed was heartbreaking. JJ was scrubbing at the cable-tie caused bruise running the circumference of her left wrist and her skin was angrily red. "Jennifer," Emily spoke with intense emotion. She reached her hand out and placed in on top of JJ's, effectively stilling it. "Tell me what's going on."

"I have to get clean," she replied simply, attempting to pry her wife's hand off of hers. She fought Emily's touch with everything she had, although she knew the older woman was much stronger than her. Emily wasn't holding JJ's hand still with all her strength, but she did need to put some effort into it. "I have to get clean."

"Jennifer," she spoke again. "I need you to look at me. Please stop fighting. I'm not going to hurt you on purpose, but you've been hurt and flailing around like this might cause you more pain." Emily tried hard to keep her voice steady and gentle. She reached her free hand to JJ's chin and lifted it until their eyes met. "Look at me. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe, baby. Please try to relax."

Emily could tell JJ was trying to calm down, and after a few minutes, her breathing was completely back to normal. "Jennifer." The brunette paused, not even knowing how to respond to what had just happened. "You can't wash off ligature marks. The bruises, the cuts, they'll go away, baby, they will."

A single tear trailed the length of JJ's face. "I want them to go away now."

"I know you do, sweetheart, I want them to go away too." Emily took the opportunity to move her hand off of JJ's, taking the loofah and placing it to the side. She gingerly held her wife's left wrist in both of her hands, using her thumbs to caress the skin. "But you can't do this to yourself. Your skin is raw, you could make yourself bleed and then you could get an infection. You have to be gentle with yourself." Emily reached behind her to grab a large towel and wrapped it around her wife before placing a kiss to her head.

"I'm sorry, Emily." JJ's voice was devoid of emotion, but Emily knew it was a façade. The words JJ spoke made it obvious.

Emily stood up and reached her hand out for her wife to take so she could help JJ stand. "Never apologize for what you feel."


"Jennifer." Emily spoke the name the way she had for the last three months. She couldn't help the pity in her voice. She found her wife in the same position she had the time JJ tried to wash away her bruises, except this time, JJ was in the running shower, and she was scrubbing at her inner thighs while tears were cascading down her cheeks. JJ looked up calmly, before placing the loofah down next to her and curling up into a ball.

Emily walked to the shower door and opened it, walking in fully-clothed before shutting the water off. "Come on, Jen," she said grabbing both her hands and pulling her up. "We need to get you out of here before you get pneumonia."

The brunette wrapped an arm around the blonde, steadying her, sighing with relief when the woman curled into her instead of flinching away when they stepped out of the shower. Emily couldn't help but remind herself that this was the first time she had touched her wife unclothed in three months, and JJ wasn't afraid of her at all. Emily knew that before her abduction, skin to skin contact was always really comforting for her wife, so she pulled off her own shirt before bringing JJ against her. The younger woman's tears quickened and she held on to Emily for dear life. After about a minute, Emily pulled back some to lead her wife into their bedroom and she sat them down on the bed the two shared.

"Jennifer…"

"I'm sorry, Em."

"Remember what I told you the first time I found you like that?"

JJ nodded. "Never apologize for what I feel."

Emily smiled. "Good. I'm glad you remembered that." She stood up to find some clothes for her shivering wife.

"Where are you going?" JJ asked, panicked. "Please don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, my love." She knelt down in front of her wife once more. "I'm just trying to find you something comfortable, baby. Okay?" Emily waited until she got a response in the form of a nod before standing up again and grabbing loose fitting underwear and a nightgown. "Can I help you put this on?" she asked.

"If you don't mind looking at me," JJ replied, looking down.

Emily reached her hand out to help her wife stand up again as she replied. "I could never get tired of looking at you." She placed her hand on JJ's upper arm and then moved it around to her bare back. "Or touching you." She used the hand on JJ's back as leverage to pull her wife to her before pressing her lips to JJ's in a soft, loving kiss. "Or kissing you." Emily reached her other hand around to cup JJ's head and pulled her in for a hug. "Or holding you." Emily took a deep breath, inhaling JJ's unique scent. "You're so beautiful, and you're not dirty, baby, you're not."

JJ nodded into Emily's shoulder. "I love you, Emily."

"I love you too, Jennifer. Always. No matter what." Emily continued to hold JJ for several minutes and when she released her, she helped her dress before putting on pajamas herself. Emily then brushed out JJ's tangled wet hair, and both sat in silence for a while. "How long were you in the shower, love?"

"Since you left," JJ replied, confused at Emily's shocked facial expression.

"Baby, I was gone for six hours," Emily explained, sitting on her side of the bed.

JJ followed her wife's lead. "It didn't feel that long. I lost track of time."

Emily noticed bright red skin on her wife's wrists. "I see you've been washing your bruises again."

"I wasn't strong enough to get free. I couldn't…" JJ didn't have words to express what she was feeling. Emily got into the bed and lied down, motioning for JJ to do the same. She then gestured for her wife to surrender her wrists to her, and Emily began to soothe the raw skin with her thumbs, remaining silent. "Emily, I wanted so badly for him to stop. I screamed, I begged."

"Of course you did, baby. Why are you ashamed?"

JJ just shook her head. "I should have been able to stop it. I should have been able to stop those other times."

Emily cradled her wife's face in her hands. "Are you talking about the times before we were together?"

JJ nodded. "I let them all take advantage of me. The girls when I was drunk, the girl who I pretended to want to be with, and him. Shaffer. I didn't fight hard enough. I've never been able to fight for myself."

"Jen-" Emily tried to interject, but she was interrupted by JJ.

"Please let me finish. I felt so low…begging for a basic human right. He was trying to fix me, to show me what real sex was, and Emily, I know what real sex is, what real love is. He doesn't." Emily nodded and brushed her thumbs over JJ's cheeks. "You never made me beg. The first time we tried to have sex, the word stop was barely out of my mouth before you were five feet away from me. And he…he laughed every time I screamed. He thought my pain…my agony was funny. Yet, I hear his words, his homophobic slurs every time I even think about kissing you. I listen to him, my attacker, my rapist, and I'mafraid of you. How does that make any sense? I know I shouldn't be sorry for what I feel, but it's illogical. You're incapable of hurting me."

"Jen, you're a lover, not a fighter, it's true. But that's what makes you strong. Does it disappoint me that you felt like you couldn't say no to a woman? Yes. I know how much pain it's caused you. And I would kill all three of them if I thought I wouldn't be caught." Emily reached her arm around JJ and rubbed her back as she spoke. "There's a reason I've never made you beg…for anything. It's not empowering, and hearing you beg would break my heart. You heard me tell Shaffer this—I love you more than I ever have, and I'm not going anywhere. Remember our first date? When I told you I was going to give you a new first time?"

JJ nodded and smiled. "You kept your promise, you always have."

"Well, I'm going to give you a new first time…again. Same rules apply."

"I just feel like I'm at the place I was at the beginning of our relationship and I'm going to have to get back to where I was. It took years, Em."

"I proved to you that you shouldn't be afraid of me before, and I'll do it again. You'll get there. As for the shame you feel, all I can say is you are probably the purest person I've ever met. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing, disgusting or unclean about you."

JJ nodded. "It's just hard to get those words out of my head," she explained.

Emily nodded in reply, linking their fingers together and using the hand she had on her wife's back to pull her closer. "I understand. Just try to keep the words I've told you tonight in your head, too. Let them fight if you need to. I'll win and you know it." Both women smiled. "Please try not to question my love for you. It's so completely unconditional. I honestly can't think of anything you could possibly do to make me want to leave you." JJ opened her mouth to speak and Emily interrupted her. "And that's not an invitation to brainstorm, my love."

"I'm not, I just wanted to say thank you."

"You know you're more than welcome to any comfort you may need. Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight? We've had a long day."

JJ nodded. "Our day hasn't been as long as Sarah Vaughn's though."

"Jen, you'll never be able to sleep again if you don't stop ruminating over Sarah. Try to release it for tonight, we have a lot more to talk about tomorrow."

"You mean later."

Emily laughed. "I'll make you sleep until tomorrow if you're not asleep in the next thirty minutes."

JJ fell asleep in Emily's arms instantaneously.

AN: Phew! That was intense. Please tell me what you think and what you want to see happen.