Chapter 7: Denial

It was weird, all these years thinking that maybe he had some semblance of control over things. That feeling of owning something, thinking he could change things, that was all some stupid illusion he was stupid enough to have believed. He couldn't change anything. The only thing that he was in charge of was himself, and even that seemed questionable at times.

Laying in bed, he just stared towards the ceiling. His thoughts wandered back to when he and Linda were younger, back before Danny was born. There was a day where Linda had a scare, she thought that she had miscarried and he took her to the hospital. In retrospect, it wasn't this dark, gloomy day. It was probably one of the most hopeful days of their lives.

He had been sitting there beside the bed, holding her hand as they waited for the doctor to come talk to them. He couldn't even remember what exactly had happened to cause Linda to think she had lost Danny, but he vividly recalled hearing that everything would be fine. He could still hear Linda's cry of happiness. They had thought they lost their little boy, but they didn't. He was a little fighter. It made them feel invincible. If they could get through that, they could get through anything.

Now here he was, defeated as his entire family fell apart. He couldn't hold them together. And there was no way that he would be able to help Linda pick up the pieces again, not this time. He would try, and he would be there for her, but she had had her heart shattered enough for a few life times already. Losing another child would break her. She was already becoming unglued.

"Bobby?"

"Yeah?" He responded, unmoving, despite the fact that the sudden noise had rattled him.

Linda slowly walked into the room, eyeing her husband with concern. The break down earlier, it gave her a small insight as to just how much he was suffering. She knew that he had been hiding some of his feelings from her, and she knew that he had to be hurting just as bad as her, but she never expected to see what she had witnessed. She never expected him to bottle up that much. It broke her to know that he felt he had to deal with all of that alone, that he really didn't feel like he could come to her with any of this.

"How are you feeling?" She carefully asked, stopping at the side of the bed.

"I'm fine, okay?" His response harsh and unconvincing.

"I don't think you are," she argued.

Bob sighed, knowing that she would never understand. That dream of his prompted something within him, it was a warning. That entire night as a warning. He had to be more careful and protect everyone now while he still had a chance. This was his opportunity to save them, and maybe teach them to defend themselves.

"I might as well get this over with," he sighed.

In seconds, she had gone from worried to desperately scared as she watched the man she loved sit up and start towards the dresser. There was a look in his eyes, one of determination.

"What do you mean?" She asked, her eyes glued to him. She was ready to jump at any second.

"Close the door," he flatly instructed, prompting Linda to immediately obey. He knew that he was making her nervous, and that wasn't really his intent. All he wanted was for her to not freak out any sooner than needed.

Linda watched as he had his back turned to her, rummaging through the dresser drawer. For a few minutes she thought he was going to pull out some money stashed off to the side or something. Perhaps an item that had meant a lot to him at one point or another. Or maybe he had kept something from Danny that she was unaware of.

She apprehensively headed back over to the bed and took a seat. There was a fear that coursed through her veins as she tried her hardest to get a small peak of what he was doing.

"I want you to have this," he stated right before turning and facing her.

His gun.

He wanted her to have his gun. Wide eyes watched as he carried the weapon to her, carefully holding it out as if it were some sort of grand present, and in a way it was one of the grandest gifts he could bestow upon her. This was his only line of defense, and he was handing it over to her. She knew that, and it quite honestly scared her. Sure, there was a chance that someone could come to the apartment while he was gone and try to hurt them again, but it was much more likely that someone would go after Bob while he was out working.

"I don't think -" Linda started.

Bob watched her as she refused to move, to accept the gun. He understood why. This was an item that could be used to kill someone. Having to keep this near by was a bad sign, it meant that you were in danger, things weren't that great around you. Even worse, she could have to use it, and she then would have to experience the odd mixture of emotions summoned by murder.

"Just in case you have more intruders," he explained, physically setting it down on her lap. "I'll get another one for myself."

"Bob, I don't like this," she protested, not even allowing herself to look down at the thing.

"I know, but I can't leave you here without a weapon anymore," he patiently stated.

All he wanted was some form of security, something to make him worry a little less while he was out there. The thought of coming home to a crime scene was enough to put him over the edge. Right now he was willing to do whatever it took to prevent his nightmare from becoming reality. Even if he had to give up his only protection for one night, then so be it.

"We have kids, Linda. I need to know that you'll have some way of protecting them," he said.

Linda gulped, knowing that he was right. If she couldn't keep Tina and Louise out of harm's way, then she wasn't so sure that she could even live with herself. There would be no point.

Subconsciously, she grabbed at the handle and held onto the gun. It were as though she were verifying that she knew what she had to do.

"Just be careful, please," she begged.

Bob leaned down, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I will," he promised her.

She watched as he left the room, not knowing how to feel. There was something oddly comforting in the fact that he was still willing to risk his life for his family, but she couldn't lose him. He was the one thing that had truly kept her together this entire time. He would hold her when she felt alone, remind her of the good times when everything seemed so bleak, and take over when she could barely bring herself to get out of bed in the morning. He was the reason she had made it this far, and she wasn't so sure what she would do if anything happened to him.

Oooooo

The night road was a weird place, one that encouraged thoughts to wander to the places most people pretended didn't even exist. Bob wished he had that luxury, the allowance to simply forget and be able to ignore prior events. To him, that was an impossibility. He would always be surrounded with the reminders and the consequences of his actions. Everyday he would have to look up at his wife and remember what she did, and how he couldn't protect her and his daughter.

His hands tightened on the steering wheel as he thought back to when Linda was pregnant with Tina. She was about seven months along, beginning to heal from Danny's funeral.

The two sat on the couch together, his arm protectively around her shoulders as they both absently watched the news. Neither of them really cared about what was playing on the TV, it was just nice to be able to zone out for a while and not think about anything. It was their time to just be with each other. However, that night was different - Linda was different.

The news went off and Bob removed his arm, ready to stand up and start getting ready for bed. That was the routine. He didn't even have to think about it. As he went to actually stand, Linda grabbed his hand, her eyes full of fear as they began to water.

"Bobby…?" She started, her voice cracking.

He already knew what she was going to say, they shared the same fears. He too wondered whether or not the same thing would happen, and there were moments where he would panic, not knowing what he would do if he had lost another child. The only thing that kept him sane, that gave him some assurance that things would be okay, was the fact that things were already a lot smoother than they had been the first time around.

Sitting back into the couch, he gave her a look of sympathy. All he wanted was to be able to really start over with this child. Not completely forget Danny, but to forget the pain. It wasn't fair that this baby had to come with this sort of luggage. They should be happy to meet her, not distancing themselves because they fear she might leave them.

"We'd know by now if she were as sick as he was," he calmly told her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her into towards him.

Linda had taken his word for it, or least she told him that she believed him, but that concern lingered up until the day she was born.

Those doubts didn't come with the children after her. The wounds hadn't been as fresh and it was beginning to seem more like a one time thing. And everything did go fine up until Louise and her sister came along. That one wasn't as bad, they lost her pretty early, and they still brought home a baby, their little fighter. Bob always hated though that Jimmy got to keep both of his twins and he didn't. Not that Jimmy knew that, of course, no one knew, and no one else ever would.

Then, all of that disappeared once Louise fell ill. She never got as bad as Gene or Danny, but she was hospitalized. He knew how bad off she was the night that she fell sick, a high fever and crying as she shivered, she had been complaining about a belly ache all day and ended up in tears over the discomfort. Linda said that it was probably the flu, and she refused to change her mind as she sat there all day with the little girl rubbing her tummy and force feeding her medicine. No matter what though, the toddler wasn't getting better.

He heard Louise sobbing in the bedroom. Tina had left her bed and moved across the room where she crawled into bed with her little sister, hugging her to try and offer some comfort. That was when he rushed over, scooped her into his arms and rushed her to the hospital, Linda waiting for Mort to come over before she made her way over and joined him. She felt guilty all night and he had to tell her over and over again that she wasn't to blame.

Looking back at that night offered him some comfort. Their little girl battled whatever it is that plagued the others, and she lived. She fought that thing harder than he had ever seen anyone fight. That was what he had always admired about her, her strength. She had her mother's strength, her zest for life and stubbornness.

"Everything okay?"

The voice pulled him out of his gaze, as he loosened his grip on the wheel. He was actually surprised that he had managed to not get them into an accident. He found it amazing, the sort of tasks he could manage while day dreaming.

"Yeah," he absently answered, not wanting to get further into the subject. All the men knew what was going on with Gene, that was the very reason they had let him join them.

It was the moment that he told Mickey was what wrong that he vowed to help him. What he was doing would have been enough, at least he thought that at the time, but this was helping more than anything. He was making enough money to finally help his son. And it felt as though it was meant to be. Mickey just so happened to take a few classes, and just so happened to sign up for his. That couldn't have been just a coincidence.

Two months earlier

Bob stood at the front of the classroom. It wasn't much, just a simple little room in the community college. There was an oven and such, all equipped for a cooking class, but nonetheless very small. It was reminiscent of the home ect class that he had substituted for when Tina was still in middle school. Either way, something about it felt nice, fulfilling almost.

"And that's how you make a simple lasagna and caesar salad," he finished off with.

It was more than he had bargained for really, being so used to making burgers and now having to make basic dishes that he rarely ever made. The adjustment was a little more difficult than he had wanted it to be. These were people that had no idea what they were doing and he was using terms that went over their heads without even thinking about it.

"Just remember that if you romaine calm, everything will be fine," he announced to the people filing out of the room, chuckling at his joke while everyone else seemed to ignore him.

Their shrugging him off was met with a sigh as he began to pack up his things to leave. A lot of this felt very forced in a way. There were a few people who really wanted to be there and those were the ones that he loved working with. He loved seeing them excited as they created something and he loved being able to pass on his knowledge to them. On the other hand, there were a lot of people there to simply learn a few pointers and get out of there, or they were taking this class because there was nothing else to take and they had one more slot to fill so that they didn't have to start paying back loans yet.

"Good one, Bob."

Bob looked up to see Mickey standing there, a stupid grin stretched across his face. It had been a while since he had even thought of the man.

"What are you doing here?" He questioned, trying to not offend him with his tone.

It wasn't that he thought the man shouldn't be there, it just seemed random. It would have been like him deciding to suddenly take a ballet class or Linda deciding to take a physics class. It wasn't that they couldn't do those things, well Bob wasn't so sure he could dance, but the fact was no one would associate them with those things and neither of them would want to put their energy into those topics.

Mickey laughed, seeming to not even pick on the fact that that could be taken offensively. "Just trying to better myself and I saw your name on the sheet so I decided to sign up for it."

The two stood there, an awkward silence falling between them. Bob was more concerned with getting out of there and making it home to check up on things. He had a family to hold together and a son to take care of. And he really did not want to start actually talking long enough for the subject of his family to arise. The last thing he needed right now was for others to start finding out that Gene was sick. It was hard enough dealing with it without all the pitiful looks and the constant questioning.

"Well I'm glad you enjoyed the class," he started as he tried and finished packing his things. "I really have to get going-"

He was cut off by an overeager Mickey who took a few steps closer towards the desk. "Say, you wanna go grab a drink or something?"

Why did he think that Mickey would take the hint? "I can't," he quickly answered. "I'm sorry."

There was something in his response that took him aback, and Bob regretted his reaction as soon as he noticed the expression sprawled across his features. "I'm just busy."

"Are you sure about that?"

Bob sighed once more, wearily looking to him. "Actually, there's something that I think you could help me with." Since Mickey was going to be clinging to him now anyways, and he could use all the extra money that he could get, he figured that he might as well take a chance.

Present day

"Gene doing any better?" Chuck questioned.

Bob huffed as he kept staring forward into the night. The last thing he wanted was to have to talk about it. His mind already centered around everything going on at home, that didn't mean he wanted the extra reminders.

"I don't know."

Chuck didn't even flinch. It was a sore spot, he knew that very well. He just felt that there was something Bob had to get out into the open before he could properly concentrate. Their lives depended on him being able to do his job, and seeing him wound so tight was worrisome. People like that get jumpy, they get trigger happy. Or they become ignorant to their surroundings. Either way, it made him more of a liability than a necessity.

"I need you to be honest, Bob. Tell me how things are going so that ya could actually do your job tonight," he firmly instructed.

"I can do my job fine," Bob argued.

"How are you handling the situation?" He questioned, completely ignoring Bob.

Bob knew that he was right, eventually he would have to talk to someone about this. It just didn't feel right.

"Linda's trying to go into denial," he began, his expression softening. "She puts on this weird little act every time we go to see him."

Chuck nodded, allowing him the second to collect himself. "So, Linda's denying it."

"Yeah."

"Alright, how about you?" Chuck inquired. "What do you do every time you go?"

Bob remained stoic, his eyes on the road as he tried to think of something to say to end the conversation. "I don't know," he finally admitted, feeling that he wasn't about to be a convincing liar anyways.

"What do you mean you don't know?" He wasn't really surprised, Bob had been avoiding the topic from the first day they met. It made sense that he hadn't put that sort of thought into it. Just hearing the confession though was weird to him. He had been prepared to push harder than that.

Bob sighed, his expression softening. "I just always watch Linda," he admitted. "It's easier to focus on her."

And it was easier to watch her, think about how she was feeling, and take care of her. Linda was someone that could heal, that he could possibly help in some way. No matter how broken she could get over all of this, she was still guaranteed more of a chance than Gene.

That and it gave him an excuse to bottle up everything. He couldn't break down because he had to be strong for Linda and the kids, he couldn't just lie in bed because he had to work so that Linda wouldn't have to, she has so much on her mind right now anyways, she doesn't need that. He did the same thing with Danny, let everything build up within him until he absolutely could not handle it anymore and then he had his breakdown and slowly moved on.

"You're not gonna tell me how bad that is for me?" Bob asked, noticing that Chuck had yet to make a remark.

"You're going to handle it however you want, regardless of what I say. All I needed was for you to get that out there so you can concentrate," he dryly explained.

"I'm not sure I'd call it handling things, but it's gotten me this far," Bob said.

Oooooo

Bob and Linda quietly entered the room, as they always did. This wasn't their first time, it was routine by now. It shouldn't have felt any different, but it did. The air was somehow heavier, things felt more final. It was possible that they were simply dwelling more on Danny, making this more about him at the moment.

"Hi Gene. How're ya doing, sweetie?" Linda asked in her usual, upbeat demeanor.

Bob watched her as she folded her hands and rushed over to his side. Talking to Gene seemed pointless to him, he didn't think there was anyway for their son to hear them. And even if he could, what good would it do? It was probably all one big blur to him. His beliefs however weren't voiced, he didn't have the heart to tell his wife that he didn't think her little act was bringing him closer to consciousness. And maybe it wasn't helping Gene, but it was helping her. Bob saw the way that she lit up when she thought her baby could hear her telling him stories and such. It gave her a form of hope that nothing else could.

That was sad reality behind it all - the fact that they had nothing else at this point. It broke his heart to see Linda desperately clinging to her last shred of hope as she choked back her tears on the elevator ride up here. The only reason she wasn't crying now was because she thought it would upset Gene.

"He doesn't look all that bad," Bob mentioned, taking a few steps closer.

It wasn't a complete lie. His color wasn't bad, and he hadn't lost anymore weight. If anything, he looked like maybe he had a cold or a mild flu rather than some devastating disease.

"Oh my God, Bob. Look," she mentioned as she took a seat on the edge of the bed. She reached over and grabbed the item that had been tucked under Gene's hand. "It's her ears."

She held the hat up for Bob to see, surprised. No one had ever gotten that little girl to go without her hat, and here she was leaving it for her brother. A small laugh escaped her lips as she thought about how hard it must have been for her to part with her ears.

"I guess she thought he needed them more," Bob mentioned, a small smile touching his mouth.

"Mr. and Mrs. Belcher?" The doctor called as he stepped into the room. "I need to talk to you," he plainly stated.

The voice cut through the room, causing a chill to go through both of them. It had been a while since they had heard those exact words with that same tone, and both remembered it quite clearly.

Bob turned and looked back to the man, stunned for a second before glancing back to Linda. She had her head down, staring to the pink hat that rested on her lap now. They both knew what was coming, but he wasn't about to take this visit away from her, he couldn't allow her to miss out on one last optimistic chat with Gene. She didn't need to sit there and hear those words again and feel that gut wrenching sensation of a huge part of you being ripped away.

He couldn't change the situation, but he could take this alone while she lived in her little bubble for a few more moments. He could let her be hopeful for just a little longer.

"I'll, uh, I'll handle this. You can stay here with Gene," Bob instructed, trying his best to sound casual about it.

Linda thickly swallowed as she looked up to him. She knew exactly what was about to be discussed. She could already feel the air being knocked out of her lungs, her heart being torn to shreds. Bob had to have been feeling the same way, and she didn't want him having to hear the news alone, having to sit there and process it without someone right beside him.

"I wanna come with you," she argued.

"Please, it's probably just about the bills. I'll be right back," he insisted.

She caught onto what he was doing and nodded. This was probably going to be her last chance to be here without having to consider that they might have to pull the plug. If he was willing to give her some extra time with him, she was going to take it.

"Alright fine, but if you take more than ten minutes. I'm coming to find you," she replied, forcing herself to sound as though she were teasing him.

Her efforts were acknowledged with a nod and a flat smile from Bob before he followed the doctor out the door.

"I just hope you're right," she muttered as soon as the door was closed.

Looking back to Gene, she sighed. It was just them now, and she still had to keep up the act. She still had to go on as though everything were fine, because the second that Gene heard something negative she was sure he would be upset, and worse, he might give up on trying.

Pushing those thoughts aside, she tightly smiled as she leaned in and set the hat on his head. It took a moment to adjust due to the fact that he was laying down, but she still managed to get it to fit perfectly onto his head. The sight caused her to genuinely laugh. It was odd seeing someone else get the chance to wear it. As a matter of fact, she wasn't so sure that anyone would believe this.

Almost on instinct, she reached into her purse and got her phone. She paused upon looking back up at Gene. Reality hit her, pulling the floor out from under her. This was nothing more than some charade, yet she had to go through with it. She was going to make sure that she maintained her belief that he would get better.

Her bottom lip quivered as she steadied the phone and took the picture. Everything looked fine on the tiny phone screen. She could tell people that Gene had fallen asleep and his sisters wanted to play some random prank on him and it would be believable.

"Awe, look at you. I'll have to show ya when you wake up."

The smile faded as the silence remained between them. She wasn't in this fantasy land where he was conscious, she was well aware of the situation. It was just hard facing it. It was hard going in there time after time knowing that he needed her, and there wasn't anything she could do. It was just easier to pretend whenever she could.

"You'd better enjoy those while you can. Louise isn't going to let you keep those for too much longer," she warned him, her voice cracking as her act began to fall apart.

She couldn't do this anymore. She was just too tired and it was all beginning to be too hard to sit here and pretend when reality was staring her in the eyes. What should have been this funny, cute moment was nothing but a bleak reminder that this was all so serious that even Louise lost apart of herself. Linda wasn't sitting here having a conversation with Gene, she was talking at her barely alive son who had no idea she was even there, and might never know how much time she had spent in that room waiting for him to return.

The last time around, she has been able to hold up the act up until the funeral. At the time though, it was feasible. She would go out and buy diapers and other baby supplies. Even before they found out about Tina, they knew Danny wouldn't be their last. And then after they found out, they were able to set the overstock aside for her.

It wasn't until the night before the funeral that everything completely hit her. She had cried when Danny died and she was aware of everything, but when she returned home she wanted to play pretend, she wanted to escape. She went down to the store to pick up a few things. Bob had told her not to worry about it and that they would be fine a few days without this and that, but in all honesty she mainly left because she had to get out of the house. Sitting there and staring at an empty room while a silent baby monitor still sat on the table was one of the harshest forms of punishment that she could ever imagine, yet neither of them had the heart to move anything. So she went and she got a few basics like milk and eggs and whatnot.

Upon passing the baby aisle, she stopped and instinctively wandered down it. There was one thing she had yet to get, something she hadn't bought since his admission to the hospital - his mushed pears. It was something every baby ate, but he loved them. He would squeal when he realized that was what she was feeding him.

Linda felt silly as she picked up the small jar, smiling. It felt nice, normal. She was picking up food for her baby back home, one that refused to eat just about anything else. And she continued smiling as she watched the item get bagged by itself, the cashier that knew her and her family, offering her a look of pity and concern that Linda ignored. She smiled all the way home.

Everything was fine up until she started putting everything away, making sure to leave that jar for last. Bob stood there at the counter, watching her closely and waiting for that one item. It were as though he knew what she was doing, and she believed that he did know, he probably knew what she would come home with before she even walked out the door.

There were no words as she grasped the small container and placed it onto the shelf. It wasn't until she let go, that she froze, her hand hovering above the lid. She told Bob something about, just in case Danny was hungry or whatever, that he needed to be able to regain his strength. That was when she lost it, the second she turned around and asked point blank why they didn't deserve to be able to give him that one last meal, to be able to bring him home one last time.

Now here she was, losing it before Gene was even gone. "I'm so sorry, sweetie," she stated as she threw her arms around him, sobbing as she desperately clung to him.