an-not mine-not yours-the joy of Harry Potter is Hers alone
Hermione cocked her head, eavesdropping on remus and the marauders. "madam pomfrey prescribed it, it tastes horrible, but she says it will help" she smiled, Remus sounded so excited.
"with what?" worm tail asked. She heard a slap,
"with moony's time of the month" Sirius cackled.
Hermione rounded the corner in time to see Remus blushing horribly, but still smiling. She walked over, knocking her shoulder against his. His fingers ghosted over her palm, and she moved to ensnare his hand in hers. Sirius looked at their intertwined hands and raised his eyebrows. Hermione shrugged at him and leant on Remus. She knew she was acting like a tween with her first boyfriend, but she couldn't help it. First of all, technically he was her first official boyfriend, discounting the odd tension between her and Ron, and the kiss between her and Viktor. Secondly, it was Remus! Her favorite teacher, confidant, friend, and enduring schoolgirl crush. It all felt a little surreal.
they had four days before the new moon. Because of school, homework and the marauders, hermione got very little time alone with Remus. He was a perfect gentleman, which she found infuriating. Not to say she wanted him to push her against the wall and have his way with her, but the chaste kisses weren't ever quite enough. Luckily, this months moon was on Saturday, meaning that Remus would have a day to recuperate. Then, she hoped, they could spend some more time together. The marauders were fun, eerily like harry and Ron, but time spent with them couldn't hold a candle to time spent with Remus.
Friday night found the pair in the common room. Hermione was editing Sirius's abysmal essay on ancient runes while Remus tried to salvage James's star chart. Just as she was trying to decide if his runes read, 'I caught the bitch' or 'caught the snitch', which, had it have been anyone but Sirius, would have been obvious, the great clock on the wall chimed three sonorous tones.
"Remus" she croaked, her voice hoarse from hours of silence. She cleared her throat,
"Remus" she tried again. He was slumped in a plush red armchair and she crept over, peering at his face.
"Remus?" she whispered,
"come on, lets go up to bed" she blushed, realizing what she said,
"I mean, we have to go to our respective sleeping areas. Are you even awake? Look at the time, oh bugger" she grasped his upper arm, giving it a light squeeze. His eyes flew open and she squeaked. His eyes were almost pure amber, glowing an almost predatory luminous yellow. His hand had fastened on her wrist and he tugged gently, then looking up at her playfully. This was, she decided, unusual behavior for Remus. She stumbled forward, letting him pull her closer. Unusual, but not, she concluded,unpleasant. he leant forward to kiss her. It quickly became an un-Remus like kiss. He was always gentle, and tentative, verging on infuriating. This kiss was hungry. She sank onto his lap, nipping at his bottom lip. He growled and looped an arm around her waist. This was new, and it felt a bit dangerous. Hermione debated standing and stopping this here, but then he sucked on her bottom lip, and his tongue flicked across the top of her mouth. She moaned and threaded her fingers through his hair. His free hand, which had been behind her neck, ghosted down towards her chest. She ran her hands across his shoulders, then down across his chest, and impulsively, slid them under his shirt, feeling, unsurprisingly, the thin ridges of scars. Remus stiffened and stood abruptly, sending her tumbling to the floor.
"shit, sorry hermione, I don't know...that was...damn it!" he ran a hand through his hair, a gesture she recognized as something Lupin did when he was exasperated, or frustrated about moony. He reached down and pulled her up, hurriedly stepping back.
"look...this is...I am...I'll see you later Hermione" with that he vanished. All but running up the stairs to the boys dormitory. Hermione sunk down on the couch, trying desperately to remember her research from three years ago. Tomorrow was the new moon. She looked up at the clock, no, today was the new moon. That meant that Moony was stronger. She scrunched her nose. So, if moony was in charge, that would mean that Remus would exhibit more of the more, animalistic traits. She blushed, wondering of that could have been the reason for both his discomfort and his hurried exit. That and the scars. She had felt them on his torso, expecting them. After the war, little could surprise her when it came to wounds. But Remus didn't know that. So, she could conclude that he was embarrassed by moony's assertion of dominance, his possible physical reaction to the kiss and the scars. Of coarse, she was already accepting of his condition, knew about the scars, and well...she blushed, his 'problem' was something she had no experience with, but she wasn't necessarily adversed to gaining some. Giggling at the explicit nature of her thoughts, she trooped up to bed.
-o-
"authors" note: I'm back! I was in England for five weeks. It was glorious and life affirming. I went to Oxford, little did I know that it was the site of the Hogwarts restricted section, the infirmary (1st year), dancing lessons (4th year). I was so excited! So, here is the update, things should pick up now, I'm back on my definite plan. I know that the beginning of the story is messy and riddled with inconsistencies, I will go back and fix them.
Hermione was dejected as she walked down to breakfast. There would be no Remus today. He was spending the morning in the hospital wing with, what he had said, was a head cold. She knew he had to lie to her, but it still smarted a little.
After grabbing a stack of toast she made her way to the library. She ducked down, staying below the level of Madam Pince's desk to hide her buttery contraband.
Severus was already at a table in the back, books spread out in a loose semicircle.
"For your consideration" she placed the toast on the table, inclining her neck in an ironic bow. He raised his eyebrows and sneered, but the nastiness didn't quite reach his eyes.
"So, what are we doing this morning?" she folded a piece of toast and inhaled half of it before the melted butter and marmite could drip down her fingers. licking her lips she settled back into the armchair.
"you have the manors of a particularly genteel hyena"
"good morning to you too! See if I bring you toast next time" sneering herself, and polishing off the last morsels of her toast. he shook his head and nibbled at the corner of a piece of brown toast.
"Transfiguration." she nodded and pulled out the battered book and a roll of parchment. The only sound in the library was of the scratching of quills and the occasional curse from Severus as he struggled to make his jagged scrawl legible. He had a tendency to allow the long slanting letters to range, unrestrained, about the page. Hermione would chuckle and duck the occasional missal in the form of one of the ruined parchments.
As the light crept across the carpet, dragging its self up the walls, hermione fidgeted. It was nearing nightfall, and her wolfsbane would be put to the test. What if she had brewed it improperly? What if it wasn't matured? What if madam Pomfrey added sugar? What if? she shook her head. This was about to happen and she couldn't stop it anymore than she could stop the moon from rising of the earth from turning.
She turned her attention back to the last four inches of her Ancient Runes essay, trying to focus.
"Hermione? Are you ok?" she smiled. It was hard to rationalize this Severus with professor Snape.
"Yea, I'm fine Severus. Are you heading up to bed?"
he shrugged noncommittally.
"I guess"
"if you let me finish this last bit, I'll walk part way with you"
"trying to get me to invite you to bed Granger?" Even sneering, the nature of the comment had produced a brilliant red blush.
"now that you mention it..." she batted her eyelashes trailing her fingers up his arm. He jumped back and she giggled, turning back to her essay.
"witch"
"Wizard" he smiled again, a facial expression she was not yet used to from him.
Finally Hermione blew on the parchment, standing and rolling it before popping it into her bag. Severus looked up questioningly. She nodded and they stood to leave. Although he would never admit it, she knew he appreciated her walking from class with him. While they were walking together no gryffindor would dare to hex him. So she made an effort to walk with him when possible. It helped that Severus and Remus were, if not friendly, then at least amicable. Occasionally Remus would join them instead of the marauders.
The pair collected their books and exited the library in silence. Madam pince looked up as they pasted her desk, nodding at the odd pair. Hermione was to lost in her own thoughts about Remus to notice the streak of bright red light. The stunner his Snape's ankle and he pitched forward down the stairs.
"Severus!" Hermione threw herself down the stairs towards the prone figure, played like a rag doll. She couldn't believe that James and Sirius would do this, it was low even for them. Kneeling by his body she gasped in horror at the dark puddle spreading like a halo around his head.
"Levicorpus" She tried to focus on moving his body to the boy in front of her, but all she could see was what he would look like in twenty years, lying on the floor, bleeding. Again, it was all her fault. She raised her free hand to swipe at her eyes. Now was not the time to become a crying mess. She had to get Severus to the hospital wing. Crying wouldn't help that.
She staggered up the stairs. She hadn't been more happy to see the hospital wing since the incident with the time turner. Hermione's hands were shaking so badly that Snape's limp form was undulating.
Hermione tried to control her ragged breathing and slowed to a walk as she entered the double doors.
"Madam Pomfrey?" the sound of her voice echoed off the high ceiling, sounding faint and weak.
"Madam Pomfrey?" she tried again. But all the lights were off, and miraculously, all the beds were empty. She settled Severus on a bed, and lifted his head, forcing down a pain potion and dreamless sleep.
"tergeo" she hoped he wasn't concussed and patted him on the shoulder. Hermione wondered if she should just sleep in the hospital wing. Snape was on the left side, near madam pomfrey's office. She stood, and grabbed her bag, before heading to the far right by the store rooms. If it wasn't James and Sirius who hexed Severus, then she didn't want to be out alone. Not only that, but after seeing snape like that, she wasn't sure she could make her way up to the dormitories. She dropped her bag on a bed and sank down besides it. She had tried so hard to forget. She had managed well enough, but now it all came rushing back. Somehow tonight's events had relegated happy Hermione back to her corner.
She fell back against the pillow. Someone was whimpering. She raised her head to look at Snape, but he was obviously asleep. she scanned the room. it was empty, the only light came from the torches in the hall, and she saw, from under one of the store room doors.
Hermione stood again, and with some trepidation, crossed to the door. The whimpering was indeed coming from inside. As she approached she could also hear scratching. The door was secured with a deadbolt from the outside. Hermione knew that what she should do was return to the bed and go to sleep. But she couldn't, something was in pain on the other side of the door, and she wanted to know what it was.
Slowly she slid back the deadbolt and opened the heavy wooden door. Inside was Remus Lupin, curled on the floor as a large brown wolf. Someone had obviously placed wards around he room, preventing him from coming to the door or the window. She shuddered, he was effectively trapped in a four foot square box.
"Remus?" she murmured. The wolf looked up and wagged his tail. She smiled, and without thinking sat down.
"Oh Remus. I don't know if I can do this. Everyone but you are going to die. And I can't stop it" She buried her nose in the soft fur, wrapping her arms around the wolf's neck.
-o-
His back ached and something was tickling his nose. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to make the blurry images of last night coalesce into something other than blurs. It hadn't been as bad, that much he could remember. After last months 'accident' Professor Dumbledoor had him kept in the hospital wing. It was very odd being in the castle for the transformation. The room Dumbledoor had prepared blocked scents and sounds. He barely noticed when he entered as a human, but the second he transformed it felt like his sinuses were going to implode. His head ached and he felt like he was going blind. What's more, he had been able, as Remus, to think and so he had whimpered and curled up on the floor to sleep.
And then...He couldn't remember. The wolf had seen something and rested back partial control. He rolled over and suddenly Hermione's head was resting on his chest. How on earth had that gotten there? He look over, checking that Hermione's head was still indeed attached to Hermione's neck. He let out a sigh of relief. So she was fine. And although he felt as if he's fallen of a broom and landed on his head, it wasn't as bad as it normally was. Remus absently stroked Hermione's hair. He was glad she was here, it was nice to have another person around after...Oh God.
He sat up and Hermione's head thunked unceremoniously on the floor. She sat up, blearily looking around.
"Remus? Is everything okay?" she scrubbed her face with her hands, blinking rapidly.
"No Hermione. No it's no okay. What in the hell are you doing here? Get out!"
He was panicking. So she knew, she must know. He couldn't look at her, couldn't bear to see her face. He knew what would be there, distrust, disgust, loathing, pity or worst of all, fear.
"Remus" her voice was choked and he knew he had upset her, but then again, she had just found out her boyfriend was a werewolf, and that was certainly cause for upset. Her fingers brushed against his shoulder and he jerked away. He waited for her to scream, or yell, even slap him. Instead she stood silent behind him, then turned and walked very slowly to the door. There she stopped.
"Remus?"
"Go!" he shouted. He waited till he heard the door close to sink back down to the ground. Finally he moved to get dressed. He slipped out of the storage room and into the infirmary. He moved slowly and purposefully towards the doors. He just wanted to go to bed. He didn't want to have to explain to the others why he was miserable. He wondered absently if Sirius would make a play for Hermione. It was plausible. He could never quite be sure if his friend was kidding. Just as he neared the doors, someone called his name. He turned, mildly annoyed, but too drained to feel it with any conviction.
"Lupin" It was Severus Snape and he looked pissed.
"What it gods name did you do, mutt" Remus was nonplussed. How could he have offended the prickly slytherin in the time it took to get from the room to the door.
"What are you talking about Snape?"
"Hermione" Snape hissed.
"What about her?" Remus was on edge. What was going on between Hermione and Severus?
"She ran out of here crying. Oh. Well, he supposed he had had hat effect on people before, namely his mother.
"Not your problem Snape" Remus turned to go, but Snape stopped him.
"What are you playing at mutt. You upset her, I don't know what you could have done, considering she seems alarmingly forgiving, but somehow you managed to upset her." Remus shook of the hand resting on his shoulder and pushed out the doors. Ignoring Severus behind him. Hermione wouldn't be upset for long. Hurt and distrust would lead to anger and hate and eventually fear and loathing, just like everyone else. It was, after all, a werewolf's lot in life to be alone.
Remus was slightly ashamed of what he did next. He hid. He slipped out the west gate of the castle, keeping to the rough hewn wall patched with lichen until he could dash into the forbidden forest. He wasn't sure what to do. He was relatively sure Hermione would keep her new found information to herself, but he wasn't sure. As for James and Sirius. He wasn't sure what their response would be. So, instead of confronting the inevitable, he shoved his hands further into his pockets and trudged deeper into the gathering gloom.
Sirius was eager to see Moony. He wanted to know how the transformation had gone. More than that, he had decided that it was time to come clean. He knew that keeping such a serious secret must be weighting heavily on his honorable friend, Remus would be much happier once he knew that Hermione was accepting of his lycanthropy.
In the excitement of the school year and meeting Hermione, he had forgotten to tell Remus about the breakthrough he and James had experienced over the summer. The boys had managed short, incomplete transformations at the end of last year, but during the spring break, staying with the Potters, they had mastered the complete transformation.
Lost in thoughts of dogs and wolfs and magic, Sirius either failed to hear or dismissed the pitiable sobs emanating from the girls loo.
-o-
"Remus"
"Remus"
"Remus John Lupin"
Finally, Remus looked up rather peevishly.
"What Sirius? What could possibly be so very important? Why exactly do you need my attention right now?"
James looked up from his potions scroll.
"So he still hasn't talked to Hermione?"
Sirius shrugged.
"I would assume not Prongs"
"Remus. Do you want to share with us exactly what happened?"
Remus shot the group a disparaging (and very un-Remus) look, and shook his head.
"Was it her?" James was trying to be understanding. Frankly he was worried. Remus had never had a serious relationship, which is what this appeared to be. And if this was, as it might be, the beginnings of a bad break up, then James didn't know what to do. Sirius, when he did become embroiled in a relationship, got over it by hitting on every woman within a five kilometer radius. But Remus, Remus was obviously more, well, more mature. That begged the question, what was James supposed to do. Remus was snappy and sharp, not acting at all like his bestfriend.
"No, not really."
Sirius looked up from his copy of playwizard, tucked behind his history of magic book.
"So it was you?"
Remus shook his head, his hair falling over his eyes.
"No, not really."
"So she was finally lured away by my good looks and charming disposition?"
"Yes. Yes Sirius. That was it. You got it in one." And with that Remus slung his bag over his shoulder, and stormed out, albeit rather politely.
"Wait, Prongs, what day was it?"
"What day was what?"
"The thing. The, the whatever this is? What day was it?"
"I don't know, sometime last week I guess."
"You don't think, maybe Moony..."
Sirius shook his head, "No, she already knows. She said it didn't bother her."
"What!" James was rendered almost speechless.
"So she knows about his furry little problem?"
"Yup"
"Does Remus Know Hermione Knows?"
Instead of answering, Sirius slammed his fist down on the table.
"That moron! She must have seen something, or you know Hermione, she might have tried to help. And stupid bloody honorable Remus decides he has to push her away." He looked over at James, his lip raised in a snarl.
"And now...now I'm going to have to go deal with a tearful girl and I hate tearful girls James."
James gave Sirius a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
"I can do it padfoot, if you don't want to deal with it."
"Oh no Prongs, no you can deal with Remus." With that, Sirius vaulted effortlessly off the ground where he had been sprawled and strolled through the doors. James ran his hand through his hair, sending in shooting off it all directions.
-o-
Hermione stood in front of the mirror remembering when she had done this back at Grimald place. in some ways, she looked very different. Her hair was shinier, her eyes had a sparkle, cliched as that sounded. Her skin look better, less pale. She was still as thin and lean, but she liked that now. In her Mother was anything to go by, she would never be buxom or particularly curvy, she would be lean and willowy, and that was fine by her. The only thing that hadn't changed were her eyes, still red rimmed and puffy.
So Remus was mad at her. So he didn't want her. She could understand, at least she thought she could. Remus assumed that she would be disgusted, that she might even tell someone about him. As a defense mechanism he was shoving her away, trying to get her to leave him alone as he thought he deserved. Prat. It was preposterous of coarse, but it was Remis. His ridiculous sense of honor was one just part of him.
Shrugging, Hermione pulled on the dress Lily had leant her. Lily wanted Hermione's help with a charms essay. Although charms was Lily's best subject, for Lily, most of it was instinct. She had trouble deconstructing her actions enough to write about them. Hermione had no such difficulties. She had suggested they meet in the library, but Lily had pressed the dress into her hands and said they could sit outside, by he quidditch fields. Hermione knew what her friend was doing, and she appreciated it. She loved the library, but she was beginning to think she was overdoing it a bit. Also, she suspected Lily wanted to go talk to James.
Hermione pulled the dress over her head and wiggled it down her hips. It was pretty, and it felt nice not to wear her school clothes all the time. Slipping on her school shoes Hermione skipped down the stairs.
-o-
Hermione exited the castle in high sprits. Or as high as could be expected, considering Remus's rejection and subsequent lack of acknowledgement, recognition or really any vaguely human emotion. Because of the newly awkward atmosphere, James and Sirius had, for the most part, followed She cracked open the large book she had clutched to her chest. The musty smell of spells long ago forgotten tickled her nose, mingling with the rich smell of old books and a small cloud of dust. Nose snuggle buried in the book Hermione trudged across the grounds towards the quidditch pitch.
-o-
Lily kicked of the spongy earth. The nimbus beneath her trembled as it rose higher and higher. Her hair shimmered as it whipped around her face, small tendrils fluttering as the wormed their way out of her tight braid. Sirius rose to fly next to her, if at a slightly lower altitude.
" I always knew I'd love you being on top Evans"
"Black, I thought you knew, you've always been beneath me" She cackled and pulled into a sharp dive, skating past an ascending James.
"There is nothing hotter that Evans on a broom." James shook his head wistfully.
"So James," Sirius stared conversationally, "Exactly how whipped will you be if Evans ever decides to go out with you?" Sirius swung his broom to avoid James's retaliatory punch and the two boys streaked down to earth, Sirius whopping and James yelling.
Remus sat in the stands. An old potions books was open on his lap while he read through one of the many books on the goblin wars. He held the history book open and flipped a few pages of the potions book, looking for the section on poisons. His history of Magic thesis paper sat next to him, half unfurled. He screwed up his eyes, running a hand backwards through his hair. He looked up to watch Lily, James and Sirius diving and mucking around. He leant back, resting on the riser above him.
-o-
Hermione clambered up into the stands. She scanned the benches for the distinctive redhead. She made a bee-line for Lily's schoolbag, resting somewhere in the Gryffindor section. Thumbing through her book she failed to miss the boy stretched out across a few rows of seats. Engrossed in the section on manifestation charms, Hermione simply walked strait into his long legs, sending her tumbling to the ground.
-o-
Lupin felt a sharp pain in his shins and someone or something collided with them. He looked up, half expecting to see Sirius sprawled in his lap. Instead he was met with a head of messy brown curls, her soft amber eyes almost liquid, shiny and wide.
Taking advantage of her surprise and apparent speechlessness he allowed him self to indulge in a moment of reflection. What if this had been the first moment they met. He might have been a normal wizard or even a normal man. He could have helped her up, said something witty like James, or something inappropriately suggestive yet charming enough to be socially acceptable like Sirius. She would giggle and they'd go for coffee. In this world, he'd never have to worry when to tell her of his transformed into a werewolf, she would never look on him with fear or pity, like his mother, or guilt and thinly veiled disgust, like his father.
Hermione croaked out an apology, scrabbling to her feet and dashing from the stadium.
Lupin steeled himself, then pushed of the bench and followed her. She deserved an answer if nothing else.
-o-
Hermione staggered up the stairs, nearly pitching against the wall as she swept round the corner. She stopped, and paced, turned and paced back. On the final turn, a door opened and she slipped through.
-o-
Remus heard the patter of feet and sped up. Just as he rounded the corner a door farther down the hall blinked out of existence. Remus ran, pounding on the wall. Nothing. He pinched the bridge of his nose, pacing in front if the wall. He slid down, long legs spayed out in front of him. And then, without warning he tumbled backwards.
