*SchmEthan runs out of tunnel looking quite scared*SchmEthan: GIMME A RADIATOR!
*Radiator is thrown*Audience: Why do you forcibly need a forcible radiator?
SchmEthan: Well…I remembered this week's guest…and Jinxy nearly had a heart attack…and before I knew it…she was on the phone to all her friends…telling them that some bloke called David Tennant would be here…and…and… *Breaks down* SO MANY FAN GIRLS! THEY'VE ALL GOT NETS AND… *Wails*
*Ducks whack SchmEthan around the head*
SchmEthan...Well…yes…right. *Manly cough* I need to protect this week's victim from the wrath of the fan girls… *Shudders* They're lethal beings…
Voice over guy: We've got high giggle readings on the ROFLER scale… They've spotted him!
SchmEthan: *Very bad sweary word*Doctor?: This cave is…rather secluded, isn't it?
*A guy who appears to be the Doctor leisurely strolls in*
SchmEthan: DUCK! *Shoots boomerang that has been thrown from the ceiling out of the cave with radiator*
Doctor?: Where'd that come from?!
SchmEthan: The Fan Girls!
Doctor?: The what, sorry?
SchmEthan: THE FAN GIRLS!
*Looks sharply towards corner which has started to giggle*
SchmEthan: RUN, DOC! RUN WHILE YOU STILL BLOODY CAN!
Doctor?: I can't leave you to fight these…Fan Girls…by yourself!
*Something mutters in corner* *SchmEthan waves radiator*
SchmEthan: BACK, FOUL BEASTS!
*Jinxy appears from shadows, followed by a good handful of her girl's school. All carry nets and handcuffs*Doctor?: Now…I'm sure we can settle this…reasonably…
Jinxy: *Quite calmly* Get him.
*Fan girls scream and pelt out of tunnel* *SchmEthan screams like a small girl and runs up staircase* *Doctor? is attacked*
Jinxy: Hold him down. *Checks nails idly as fan girls scream in response and hold Doctor? down*Doctor?: What the...! GERROFF ME!
Jinxy: *Drops nail file* WHAT THE…?! LEMME' THROUGH!
*Fan girls part so Jinxy can stand over him*Jinxy: HE'S ONLY GOT ONE BLOODY HEART!
*Fan girls pull out bricks with angry hisses*
Jinxy: Ah well. He still looks like David…
10.5: Who on EARTH'S David?!
Jinxy: Never you mind. Kiarra-Chan?
*Kiarra-Chan appears from tunnel*
Kiarra-Chan: Ready?
Jinxy: Ready.
*They pounce* *Fan girls cream and join in* *Sound of ripping fabric*
SchmEthan: OH GOD! MY EYES! GO TO COMMERCIALS!
-
HI! I'M STEVE "STEVEY" MCSTEVESTEVE! IS YOUR HOUSE DIRTY? DO YOU HAVE NO HANDS TO CLEAN IT? WELL THEN YOU NEED TO-
*Steve is whacked across the face with a giant bottle of Mr. Muscle*
SchmEthan: STOP SHOUTING!!!
-
Dark. Secluded. Dirty. Cursed. No, not Jinxy's bedroom, the Cave. Visit today! (Free ice-cream to all entrants)
-
Voice over guy: AND WE'RE BACK!
10.5: RUN SCHMETHAN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! *Screams as Fan Girls rip his shirt off* DON'T. TOUCH. ME. THERE!
*SchmEthan rocks back and forth on stairs*
SchmEthan: One potato, two potato, three potato, FOUR!
*Radiator is forcibly thrown from audience* *SchmEthan screams as he falls from staircase*
Audience: FORCIBLY GET ON WITH IT, YOU FORCIBLE COWARD!
SchmEthan: I CAN'T DO IT! THEY'RE SO SCARY!
*10.5 screams again as his trousers go flying across cave*
SchmEthan: YOU SEE?!
Audience: IT'S YOUR FORCIBLE DUTY TO FORCIBLY SAVE THE FORCIBLE CLONE!
SchmEthan: WOULD YOU MISS HIM?!
*Crickets*
SchmEthan: HONESTLY?! WOULD YOU MISS HIM?!
Audience: YOU MUST FORCIBLY THINK OF FORCIBLE!
SchmEthan:...
Audience: WE FORCIBLY MEAN ROSE!
SchmEthan: *Drools kittens* Rose...
Audience: …Don't forcibly drool. That's just forcibly weird.
SchmEthan: FOR ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!
*Charges into fan girl crowd* *They scream and run away to reveal Jinxy and Kiarra-Chan, who look like they're about pour HP sauce into 10.5's right ear*
10.5: RUN ETHAN! RUN!
SchmEthan: Leave…him…alone!
Jinxy: *Sighs* Go away Ethan.
Kiarra-Chan: We be busy.
SchmEthan: If you don't let him go, I'll withhold the ham.
Jinxy: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
SchmEthan: And I'll take away all your corners…
Jinxy: *Sobs* NOOOOO!
SchmEthan: *Unfolds very long list from pocket* And your socks, pillows, coffee mugs, recorded episodes of Doctor Who and Torchwood, toilet plungers and radiators.
Jinxy: GHASP! Mah radiators!
SchmEthan: Yes. *Super dramatic close up deep voice slow-mo* Your radiators.
Jinxy: *Runs away sobbing into corner* I will not touch…I WILL NOT TOUCH!
Kiarra-Chan: Come back here, you coward!
SchmEthan: I must warn you that if you do not leave now, things are going to get rough. And oniony.
Kiarra-Chan: *Hisses and departs into The-Wrong-End-Of-The-Stick-Forest* I'LL BE BACK, TENNANT! I'LL BE BACK!
10.5: WHO'S TENNANT?!
SchmEthan: *Covers eyes* Go get your trousers.
Voice guy: While 10.5 retrieves his clothes, here's a word from our sponsors!
-
Toaster. What? He said a WORD from our sponsors! *Joke drum thing happens*
*SchmEthan and Jinxy lift drum kit and smash it over the sponsors head*
-
Voiceover Guy: And we're back!
SchmEthan: Yes we are, my beautiful sailing boats! Here today, we have 10.5!
10.5: Hello!
*Female members of audience forcibly scream and their hair sets alight*
10.5: Your friend's looking at me funny.
*Jinxy stares at 10.5 from corner:*
Jinxy: Tennant…
10.5: Who is this bloke?
SchmEthan: David Tennant?
*Jinxy squeals and dies in corner*
SchmEthan: …No idea. Anyway, question one!
10.5: I didn't know this was going to be a test. I would've bought paper. *Grin*
SchmEthan: … If I had nine Hoovers in Mother Hubbard's cupboard, how many strawberry puppies would there be?
10.5: Ooooh…sixty three?
SchmEthan: COOORRR-ECT! If there were twenty TARDISes in my kitchen drawer, then WHY DID YOU GROW OUT OF A HAND?!
10.5: Because Donna … how do you know about that?!
SchmEthan: NUNYA' BUSINESS! *Turns off BBC*
Jinxy: I HAVE A QUESTION!
SchmEthan: … I dread to think what it is…
Jinxy: CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?!
10.5: WHAT?!
SchmEthan: … *Face palm*
10.5: What kind of a question is that?!
Jinxy: AN OBSESSED FAN GIRL QUESTION! *Happy grin*
SchmEthan: *Into ear piece* Get the sedative. Extra strong. Put ham in it.
Jinxy: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
SchmEthan: OK. David Tennant.
Jinxy: *Squeals and dies while being dragged off by ducks*
SchmEthan: RIGHT! If you're not too emotionally scarred, it's time for the completely pointless questions! First of all – Are you jealous of the Real Doc?
10.5: I don't like to talk about it. *Huff*
SchmEthan: OK! Moving –
10.5: He dumped me on a stupid beach somewhere because I killed a lot of Daleks. No one even likes them, for Chrissakes!
SchmEthan: OK…are you done?
10.5: YES. *Harrumph*
SchmEthan: …OK! Question two - *Smutty look* What was it like kissing Rose?
10.5: Well, it was… *Notices presence of smut* I'm not telling you.
SchmEthan: *Pout* FINE! Question three – Will you get naked…OK, who let Jinxy onto these questions?!
*Evil cackling backstage*
SchmEthan: YOU NICKED THE BLUE SUIT! WE LOVE THE BLUE SUIT! GIVE IT BACK!
10.5: NO! Tis' MINE!
Jinxy: *Appears from nowhere* I liked you better when you were in your BIRTHDAY SUIT! *Chants under breath* Hinthinthinthinthint...
SchmEthan: Where'd you come from?! DUCKS!
*Nothing*
SchmEthan: ...DUCKS!
*Jinxy burps up paper*
SchmEthan: ... *Points outside of cave* LOOK! RIENETTE'S ON YOUR SCREEN IN YOUR NEW FAVOURITE VAMPIRE SHOW!
Jinxy: *Snarls* GET OFF MY SCREEN, BITCH! *Runs out of cave on all fours, baying for French blood*
10.5: ... Rienette isn't a vamp.
SchmEthan: I knows. Jinxy just hates French floozies and loves the vampires.
10.5: I see.
SchmEthan: Well that's about it!
10.5: THANK GOD!
SchmEthan: Well, we would like to offer you –
*Screams as purple smoke billows out in cave*
SchmEthan: What the…?!
10.5: GET OFF OF ME! HEEELLLPPP!
*Smoke clears to reveal innocent looking Jinxy* *10.5 has disappeared*
SchmEthan: OK, give him back.
Jinxy: *Innocence* Who, Ethan?
SchmEthan: 10.5.
Jinxy: …Nope. Don't know who you're talking about.
SchmEthan: *Sigh* Did you send him to the fan girls?
Jinxy: … Suffice it to say that you'll never see him again.
SchmEthan: YOU HATSTAND!! YOU- Wait a second... that means Rose is all mine... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMM!!
Jinxy: Oh noes... Guess who next time's guest is...
SchmEthan: *explodes violently with joy*
Jinxy: *sad facingly* Tune in next time...
