*SchmEthan runs out of tunnel looking quite scared*SchmEthan: GIMME A RADIATOR!

*Radiator is thrown*Audience: Why do you forcibly need a forcible radiator?

SchmEthan: Well…I remembered this week's guest…and Jinxy nearly had a heart attack…and before I knew it…she was on the phone to all her friends…telling them that some bloke called David Tennant would be here…and…and… *Breaks down* SO MANY FAN GIRLS! THEY'VE ALL GOT NETS AND… *Wails*

*Ducks whack SchmEthan around the head*

SchmEthan...Well…yes…right. *Manly cough* I need to protect this week's victim from the wrath of the fan girls… *Shudders* They're lethal beings…

Voice over guy: We've got high giggle readings on the ROFLER scale… They've spotted him!

SchmEthan: *Very bad sweary word*Doctor?: This cave is…rather secluded, isn't it?

*A guy who appears to be the Doctor leisurely strolls in*

SchmEthan: DUCK! *Shoots boomerang that has been thrown from the ceiling out of the cave with radiator*

Doctor?: Where'd that come from?!

SchmEthan: The Fan Girls!

Doctor?: The what, sorry?

SchmEthan: THE FAN GIRLS!

*Looks sharply towards corner which has started to giggle*

SchmEthan: RUN, DOC! RUN WHILE YOU STILL BLOODY CAN!

Doctor?: I can't leave you to fight these…Fan Girls…by yourself!

*Something mutters in corner* *SchmEthan waves radiator*

SchmEthan: BACK, FOUL BEASTS!

*Jinxy appears from shadows, followed by a good handful of her girl's school. All carry nets and handcuffs*Doctor?: Now…I'm sure we can settle this…reasonably…

Jinxy: *Quite calmly* Get him.

*Fan girls scream and pelt out of tunnel* *SchmEthan screams like a small girl and runs up staircase* *Doctor? is attacked*
Jinxy: Hold him down. *Checks nails idly as fan girls scream in response and hold Doctor? down*Doctor?: What the...! GERROFF ME!

Jinxy: *Drops nail file* WHAT THE…?! LEMME' THROUGH!

*Fan girls part so Jinxy can stand over him*Jinxy: HE'S ONLY GOT ONE BLOODY HEART!

*Fan girls pull out bricks with angry hisses*

Jinxy: Ah well. He still looks like David…

10.5: Who on EARTH'S David?!

Jinxy: Never you mind. Kiarra-Chan?

*Kiarra-Chan appears from tunnel*

Kiarra-Chan: Ready?

Jinxy: Ready.

*They pounce* *Fan girls cream and join in* *Sound of ripping fabric*

SchmEthan: OH GOD! MY EYES! GO TO COMMERCIALS!

-

HI! I'M STEVE "STEVEY" MCSTEVESTEVE! IS YOUR HOUSE DIRTY? DO YOU HAVE NO HANDS TO CLEAN IT? WELL THEN YOU NEED TO-

*Steve is whacked across the face with a giant bottle of Mr. Muscle*

SchmEthan: STOP SHOUTING!!!

-

Dark. Secluded. Dirty. Cursed. No, not Jinxy's bedroom, the Cave. Visit today! (Free ice-cream to all entrants)

-

Voice over guy: AND WE'RE BACK!

10.5: RUN SCHMETHAN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! *Screams as Fan Girls rip his shirt off* DON'T. TOUCH. ME. THERE!

*SchmEthan rocks back and forth on stairs*

SchmEthan: One potato, two potato, three potato, FOUR!

*Radiator is forcibly thrown from audience* *SchmEthan screams as he falls from staircase*

Audience: FORCIBLY GET ON WITH IT, YOU FORCIBLE COWARD!

SchmEthan: I CAN'T DO IT! THEY'RE SO SCARY!

*10.5 screams again as his trousers go flying across cave*

SchmEthan: YOU SEE?!

Audience: IT'S YOUR FORCIBLE DUTY TO FORCIBLY SAVE THE FORCIBLE CLONE!

SchmEthan: WOULD YOU MISS HIM?!

*Crickets*

SchmEthan: HONESTLY?! WOULD YOU MISS HIM?!

Audience: YOU MUST FORCIBLY THINK OF FORCIBLE!

SchmEthan:...

Audience: WE FORCIBLY MEAN ROSE!

SchmEthan: *Drools kittens* Rose...

Audience: …Don't forcibly drool. That's just forcibly weird.

SchmEthan: FOR ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!

*Charges into fan girl crowd* *They scream and run away to reveal Jinxy and Kiarra-Chan, who look like they're about pour HP sauce into 10.5's right ear*

10.5: RUN ETHAN! RUN!

SchmEthan: Leave…him…alone!

Jinxy: *Sighs* Go away Ethan.

Kiarra-Chan: We be busy.

SchmEthan: If you don't let him go, I'll withhold the ham.

Jinxy: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

SchmEthan: And I'll take away all your corners…

Jinxy: *Sobs* NOOOOO!

SchmEthan: *Unfolds very long list from pocket* And your socks, pillows, coffee mugs, recorded episodes of Doctor Who and Torchwood, toilet plungers and radiators.

Jinxy: GHASP! Mah radiators!

SchmEthan: Yes. *Super dramatic close up deep voice slow-mo* Your radiators.

Jinxy: *Runs away sobbing into corner* I will not touch…I WILL NOT TOUCH!

Kiarra-Chan: Come back here, you coward!

SchmEthan: I must warn you that if you do not leave now, things are going to get rough. And oniony.

Kiarra-Chan: *Hisses and departs into The-Wrong-End-Of-The-Stick-Forest* I'LL BE BACK, TENNANT! I'LL BE BACK!

10.5: WHO'S TENNANT?!

SchmEthan: *Covers eyes* Go get your trousers.

Voice guy: While 10.5 retrieves his clothes, here's a word from our sponsors!

-

Toaster. What? He said a WORD from our sponsors! *Joke drum thing happens*

*SchmEthan and Jinxy lift drum kit and smash it over the sponsors head*

-

Voiceover Guy: And we're back!

SchmEthan: Yes we are, my beautiful sailing boats! Here today, we have 10.5!

10.5: Hello!

*Female members of audience forcibly scream and their hair sets alight*

10.5: Your friend's looking at me funny.

*Jinxy stares at 10.5 from corner:*

Jinxy: Tennant…

10.5: Who is this bloke?

SchmEthan: David Tennant?

*Jinxy squeals and dies in corner*

SchmEthan: …No idea. Anyway, question one!

10.5: I didn't know this was going to be a test. I would've bought paper. *Grin*

SchmEthan: … If I had nine Hoovers in Mother Hubbard's cupboard, how many strawberry puppies would there be?

10.5: Ooooh…sixty three?

SchmEthan: COOORRR-ECT! If there were twenty TARDISes in my kitchen drawer, then WHY DID YOU GROW OUT OF A HAND?!

10.5: Because Donna … how do you know about that?!

SchmEthan: NUNYA' BUSINESS! *Turns off BBC*

Jinxy: I HAVE A QUESTION!

SchmEthan: … I dread to think what it is…

Jinxy: CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?!

10.5: WHAT?!

SchmEthan: … *Face palm*

10.5: What kind of a question is that?!

Jinxy: AN OBSESSED FAN GIRL QUESTION! *Happy grin*

SchmEthan: *Into ear piece* Get the sedative. Extra strong. Put ham in it.

Jinxy: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

SchmEthan: OK. David Tennant.

Jinxy: *Squeals and dies while being dragged off by ducks*

SchmEthan: RIGHT! If you're not too emotionally scarred, it's time for the completely pointless questions! First of all – Are you jealous of the Real Doc?

10.5: I don't like to talk about it. *Huff*

SchmEthan: OK! Moving –

10.5: He dumped me on a stupid beach somewhere because I killed a lot of Daleks. No one even likes them, for Chrissakes!

SchmEthan: OK…are you done?

10.5: YES. *Harrumph*

SchmEthan: …OK! Question two - *Smutty look* What was it like kissing Rose?

10.5: Well, it was… *Notices presence of smut* I'm not telling you.

SchmEthan: *Pout* FINE! Question three – Will you get naked…OK, who let Jinxy onto these questions?!

*Evil cackling backstage*

SchmEthan: YOU NICKED THE BLUE SUIT! WE LOVE THE BLUE SUIT! GIVE IT BACK!

10.5: NO! Tis' MINE!

Jinxy: *Appears from nowhere* I liked you better when you were in your BIRTHDAY SUIT! *Chants under breath* Hinthinthinthinthint...

SchmEthan: Where'd you come from?! DUCKS!

*Nothing*

SchmEthan: ...DUCKS!

*Jinxy burps up paper*

SchmEthan: ... *Points outside of cave* LOOK! RIENETTE'S ON YOUR SCREEN IN YOUR NEW FAVOURITE VAMPIRE SHOW!

Jinxy: *Snarls* GET OFF MY SCREEN, BITCH! *Runs out of cave on all fours, baying for French blood*

10.5: ... Rienette isn't a vamp.

SchmEthan: I knows. Jinxy just hates French floozies and loves the vampires.

10.5: I see.

SchmEthan: Well that's about it!

10.5: THANK GOD!

SchmEthan: Well, we would like to offer you –

*Screams as purple smoke billows out in cave*

SchmEthan: What the…?!

10.5: GET OFF OF ME! HEEELLLPPP!

*Smoke clears to reveal innocent looking Jinxy* *10.5 has disappeared*

SchmEthan: OK, give him back.

Jinxy: *Innocence* Who, Ethan?

SchmEthan: 10.5.

Jinxy: …Nope. Don't know who you're talking about.

SchmEthan: *Sigh* Did you send him to the fan girls?

Jinxy: … Suffice it to say that you'll never see him again.

SchmEthan: YOU HATSTAND!! YOU- Wait a second... that means Rose is all mine... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMM!!

Jinxy: Oh noes... Guess who next time's guest is...

SchmEthan: *explodes violently with joy*

Jinxy: *sad facingly* Tune in next time...