"G-Gai..." tears are streaming down his face, now, and he throws his arms around his former sensei. "I miss you...I miss you so much..." he's sobbing into his dream's shoulder, not caring it's not real, only caring that for this instant he can pretend that Gai is really there. "It hurts so bad...I don't know what to do anymore..." everything is disappearing, the world dripping away to blackness like a painting thrown in a river, until only he and Gai are left. He feels Gai slipping away and holds tighter. "P-please, don't go...don't leave me..." if he opened his eyes now he knows there would be nothing there, so he keeps them shut tight even though the dream-solidity his arms are wrapped around is turning to vapors. "DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"
He screams himself awake, tears streaming down his face. It's still dark out; the sun hasn't even begun to rise yet. Lee curls his legs to his chest in the middle of the large bed, burying his face in arms set on his knees, and doesn't bother trying to quiet the sobs.
-----
"Won't you stay for tea?" Gaara asks quietly as Lee turns to leave. Lee pauses in the doorway; something in the way Gaara said it implied more than simple formality. When Lee half-turns back toward him, the redhead fumbles for words. "I know...we were never...'friends'. It would've been impossible. But I never..." his forehead bunches together as he tries to find words. "...I never properly apologized." Lee turned to face him. "You haven't been sleeping. Have tea with me." Gaara's face is back to its usual expressionless mask, but there's something in his eyes that had never been in the eyes of the bakemono of his youth.
-----
Gaara is silent as he pours the tea; eyes nearly closed and hands holding the teapot with a gentleness no one would've expected him to have in his early years as Kazekage. He had been all business then, doing what had to be done quickly and efficiently with no thought for emotion or subtlety. Now, as Lee looked at him, it seemed impossible that this was the same person who had nearly killed him years ago. In a way he isn't, Lee supposed, as Gaara sets the teapot to the side with a soft exhalation of contentment. Lee lifts the bowl, turning it slightly before sipping the steaming liquid.
The room is dancing with shadows from the flowers arranged across the window; soft breezes carry their aroma through the room for a subtler, more beautiful scent than any incense could provide. This room is cooler than most in Suna but warmer than those of Konoha this time of year. Gaara's kimono is red and black silk, the two colors blending into one another so seamlessly it's impossible to tell where one begins and the other ends. Lee's is pale green, small vines tracing their way in thread up from the hem. For some reason these little details seem more important than anything else in the world.
Lee sighs as he holds the bowl out to Gaara, bowing slightly as Gaara's smooth hands touch his rough ones and gently take the bowl from him. Lee watches as Gaara raises the bowl slightly to him, then drinks. His eyes are all but closed and every muscle of his face is relaxed, as if every care is gone from his mind. They sit in silence for several minutes after Gaara has set the bowl down once more.
"May I?" Lee asks, gesturing to the tea set. Gaara nods and Lee lifts the teapot to examine it, a crimson silk cloth between his fingers and the ceramic. It isn't skillfully crafted, but its small flaws only add to its beauty. The glaze is uneven in places, and doesn't quite cover to the bottom edge; the cover scrapes very slightly when placed; the spout is slightly crooked.
"My wife and daughter made it for me," Gaara says softly.
"It's beautiful," Lee breathes.
Gaara has an odd look on his face as he takes the cloth and pot from Lee's hands. It's as if he wants to say something but doesn't know what it is, nevermind how to say it. "It's my most treasured possession," he whispers. It occurs to Lee suddenly that Gaara finally feels love, even if he doesn't recognize it as such. "I'll have to introduce you to them, sometime," Gaara says as he begins to clean the utensils.
"I'd love to meet them," Lee smiles. Silence falls again, only broken by the small noises of Gaara storing the tea set.
"You haven't been sleeping well," Gaara says suddenly. Lee snaps out of his reverie at the observation and colors slightly. Some of Gaara's old bluntness is still there, he notes to himself.
He fumbles with several answers in his mind and finally settles with "No. I haven't." Even though he consciously knows there's no real danger, some subconscious warning makes him want to avoid the subject of sleep with an insomniac. Still, he can't help but ask, "Have you managed to sleep at all?"
"Yes." Lee tries to mask his surprise but doesn't quite manage. He could almost swear he saw a hint of a smile on Gaara's face; as if the redhead said it just for the reaction.
Lee tries to think of a more polite way to ask, but his curiosity overcomes his respect. "How?"
"I drink," Gaara says simply as he sits once more, now with a bottle of sake in hand. "It puts me to sleep, and Shukaku as well. When he's asleep, he's no danger to anyone." A far-away look comes into his eyes - still dark-rimmed - as he raises the bottle to his lips and he whispers, "I even dream sometimes." He's silent for several moments as he drinks, and when he lowers the bottle he stands and walks to the window. Lee follows him as he folds his arms on the sill, nudging flowers out of the way. When Lee looks closer he sees that the flowers are growing out of a small dip filled with soil that's built into the windowsill. "When Shukaku starts to come alive before I do, Ame wakes me." He takes another deep swig from the bottle, then offers it to Lee without turning from the view out the window. It's such an odd contrast to the formality and subtlety of the tea ceremony they'd finished not long ago that Lee actually takes the bottle from his hand, holding it to his nose and then passing it back with a snort of distaste.
"I'm sorry, I can't drink," he says at Gaara's odd look.
"Ahh, I remember now...Suiken. 'Drunken Fist'. I would've liked to fight you when you're drunk. At least...back then." Lee watches him take a long drink and can almost see him staring Shukaku down.
-----
The smell of smoke gets stronger the closer to the east district they get. There's no one left here, the civilians are either hiding in their houses or have already run away. Lee bites his lip as they stop to check the vitals on a body lying on the edge of the street; a civilian, one he didn't know, dead. There's nothing they can do now, so they keep moving deeper into the east district. Suddenly Lee skids to a stop in the middle of the street.
Gai stop a moment later. "What is it?"
"We've got to turn back," he gasps out, "if we go this way--" he bites his lip, knowing he shouldn't say it. Tears start to well up in his eyes. "If we go this way you're going to die and leave me alone!" It's what he means to say, even if it won't make any difference because he knows this is another nightmare, but he has to try, has to see if he can make a difference in the way things turn out.
Gai is nodding and Lee realizes he hears himself saying something about this part of the district funneling smoke too well and they could get caught in one of the oxygenless areas too easily. He tries to scream no, they have to turn back, but nothing comes out and then he and Gai are taking a route around the commercial area of the east district and going through the residential instead. More bodies; more means the enemy is close, so there's no time to check them for vitals; Lee is crying but no matter how hard he tries he can't make himself stop following Gai.
One of the burning buildings near then explodes suddenly, sending shrapnel flying out the windows, and Lee brings his arms up to protect himself. A piece of metal tears his hand wraps and digs a deep furrow in his arm, he winces and grits his teeth against the pain. He and Gai are standing back to back, looking for the enemy, and suddenly a shadow is falling toward them from above. They both leap away, ready to attack, but it hits the ground with a soft thud and they realize it's another dead body. Gai steps forward cautiously and Lee screams for him to stop, tearing away from the dream-world's set timeline and trying to shove him away as he turns the body over but it's too late and all he sees is a small smile on the body's face, whispering one word.
"Kibaku."
Then the world shatters as the body explodes, throwing Lee back and half-through a broken window. He's screaming but not from the pain of the glass shards that are buried deep in his back or the massive burns on his face; he's screaming because the world is red from the blood dripping in his eyes and he can see Gai across the street, half-through a door that shattered when he slammed into it. Lee runs over even though his body screams in protest, the glass tore muscle and tendon and he can feel himself on the verge of passing out but he somehow makes it over to Gai, and--
and--
--and then he's screaming himself awake again, tears rolling down his face, and the smell of smoke and charred flesh is still in his nostrils and he's throwing up because every detail is seared into his mind.
He doesn't feel the hands trying to steady him or hear the kind words meant to calm him, all he knows is the reek of burning and the sound of Gai's name as it's screamed from his lips.
-----
When Lee comes back to Konoha Naruto mysteriously can't find him any missions, so he has a few days to himself. He spends them training at the memorial. On the third day it's raining, and he hasn't tried to sleep since the first. At twilight, when Kakashi appears, Lee doesn't stop his training; he just continues it around him. Kakashi leaves once the sun has fully set, but it doesn't register in Lee's mind.
It's after midnight when Lee slips. It's nothing more than a matter of wet grass and deep mud, but when Lee lands flat on his back he somehow can't bring himself to stand. The rain isn't too heavy, fat raindrops land on his face and make him blink every few seconds. He doesn't know how long he's been lying there when he feels someone standing over him.
In years past he would've been able to identify them by the sound of their footsteps, but now all he can hear is the crackling of fire and an echo of his years-old scream. After training with Kiba, he would've been able to tell who it was by their scent, but all he smells anymore is smoke and the acidic smell of burned-through chakra. Years of training with Neji have made his eyes ultra sensative, but he can't see anything but memories. He blames the thunder and rain and darkness instead.
"You're going to catch your death of cold out here," the shadow says and holds a hand out to him. Lee tries to lift his arm to take it, but his hand falls back to the mud.
"I don't know how much longer I can go on without him, Kakashi," Lee whispers after a moment, feeling tears mixing with the rain on his face as he stares through Kakashi at the sky. Kakashi sits down next to him, pants squelching as he settles in the mud. They sit in silence for what could be hours or minutes; the rain erases all sense of time. Lee doesn't realize he's speaking until he hears himself say, "...I've been thinking of going to join him."
He hears a gasp, but it's not from Kakashi. It's from the figure that's just appeared on his other side, a few feet away, and then hands are grabbing his vest and shaking him and yelling at him for even thinking that way, what happened to the shinobi who was so determined to become the best he could be, who would never give up, and what would Gai think of him if he heard him talking like that-- Kakashi tells Naruto to shut up and for some reason he does but doesn't let Lee go. Lee doesn't look at him. He's so tired, more tired than he's ever been in his life. There's a weight in his chest that never goes away, and it's not comforting like the ones he used to wear under his legwarmers - instead it squeezes tighter every day until every breath is a chore and every smile is fake. Naruto is silent and Lee realizes he's crying quietly and saying it all, about the pain and the nightmares and everything that reminds him of Gai that he wants to get rid of to make it stop hurting but he can't because then he might start to forget him.
When his words subside to quiet sobs Naruto is still holding him half off the ground by his chuunin vest. He feels Naruto's hands tighten, shaking, on the material. "Awaji..." he mumbles, not looking at Lee's face - afraid of the all-but-dead eyes he'll see. "...and Saizou...they'll miss training with you." And then he lets Lee go, standing up as if it's the hardest thing in the world.
He's started walking away when he hears Lee croak, "Naruto," and he turns around, and Lee is glad he can't see the present because if he could then Naruto's eyes would be almost as painful as his worst nightmares. "...Thank you."
"N-no problem," Naruto's voice shakes, and Lee can tell he's pasted a fake smile onto his face even though he can't see it.
Kakashi helps Lee sit up and Naruto turns away, his smile falling from his face. Lee feels the cool metal of a kunai being pressed into his hand and closes his fingers around it as he folds his legs under him. Kakashi moves to stand behind him, one hand on Lee's shoulder and neither condemning nor encouraging; simply waiting.
Lee stares unseeing into the rain-soaked darkness, and Naruto snaps his eyes shut as Lee drives the kunai home.
-----
I did a sketch for this, before I wrote it actually, and it's what inspired the entire After chapter
chima deviantart com/art/At-the-Memorial-57353808
put periods instead of spaces between chima/deviantart and deviantart/com
I actually almost didn't write the After chapter, because I didn't want to hurt Lee, but it kinda demanded to be written...at least I've the Happy Ending to console myself v.v
