Long-limbed, graceful, elegant Kanaya was laid out on her side on her dorm bed, eyebrow raised at the appalling piece of literature before her. Maudlin stories were considered usually the most titillating treat for her sensibilities, but something about the prose before her was somewhat unsettling at worst and lukewarm at best. What was usually a thrumming heat in her privates was nothing more than a twist of her lip and a shudder every once in a while.

Halfway through a particularly unsatisfying page, Kanaya's phone chimed with a text.

OH MY GOD, IF I HEAR ONE MORE FETID COMPILATION OF WORDS PROCLAIMING KUROSAWA AS "OVERHYPED DRIVEL" I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES.

Kanaya placed the book on its face, uncaring of how the pages of this particular tome were affected. She replied in text form.

Might I Ask You To Clarify These Consequences

THE SHORT VERSION OF THE STORY IS ONE YOU KNOW FULL WELL YOURSELF: THE INTERNET IS FULL OF IDIOTS. I AM DOING MYSELF GREVIOUS HARM BY READING IDIOTIC COMMENTS MADE BY FORUMITES WHO LACK THE GOOD SENSE GOD GAVE TO AUSTRALOPITHECINES AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT "BLACK AND WHITE" DOES NOT EQUATE TO "BAD."

SOME THINGS ARE SIMPLY TIMELESS.

Self Harm You Say

NO. DOWN. BAD KANAYA, NO BISCUIT. THAT WAS NOT A LEADING PHRASE, IT WAS NOT AN INVITATION TO STICK YOUR ELEGANTLY POWDERED NOSE INTO MY BUSINESS; IT WAS MERELY ME STATING FOR A FACT THAT READING THE BRAINLEAKAGES OF THESE IGNORANT FUCKWITS IS LESSENING MY IQ.

Well if that wasn't a cry for help, Kanaya had no idea what was. She flipped the book closed and slid on a pair of ballet flats. She then ran a hand through her hair and replied on her phone.

I Understand

Ill Be There Soon

EXACTLY WHAT PART OF "NO" SEEMED LIKE AN INVITATION?

A moment later, another text came in:

SEE YOU SOON, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY SERIOUS. NO FUCKING BISCUITS.

A wry smile found its way to her lips as she slid her phone back into the pocket of her purse and stood up. She slid her cherry red coat on as well as a pair of thin, filmy gloves over her hands and wrists. She made her way outside, embracing the chill of autumn whole-heartedly.

As expected, the walk across campus to Karkat's dorm building was short and peaceful with little upset aside from getting upstairs to his floor. She passed by the doors of Eridan and Sollux, idly wondering if Karkat had spoken to either of them lately. She didn't see why they wouldn't.

Kanaya found Karkat's door and knocked firmly.

Karkat answered, his eyes sunken and the bags under his eyes darker than usual. He stood barefoot, in jeans and a black XKCD tee shirt with a black turtleneck underneath. He grunted indignantly, standing aside and waving Kanaya into the room, flicking his eyes up to hers. "Thanks. Make yourself at home. Mi shithole es su shithole."

"Goodness." Kanaya said to herself, shaking her head and looking around. The room definitely had that unmistakable aroma of male shut-in, "How long have you been inside?"

"Since class ended. What kind of truant do you take me for?" he scowled, knowing full well what she was getting at. He had been spending too much time alone and isolated, no point in denying it, but no particular point in admitting it, either.

"Naturally, I mean, there would be no reason for you to neglect your studies in favor of arguing with," She then withdrew her phone and skipped back through her messages from him in search of something, "I'm sorry, what was that term you used to describe the other internet trolls you were bantering with?"

Karkat thought for a moment. "Probably either 'troglodyte' or 'morlock.' I feel like I've been using those two a lot." He sat down on the bed far more forcefully than his small frame would suggest possible, "Dear God, why do I subject myself to the tortures of slumming it with the intellectually deficient gutters of the internet? Kurosawa was a fucking genius, this is fact, there, done. How hard was that?"

Kanaya tiptoed over to his computer chair and sat on its edge, ignoring for a moment the waste bin, overflowing with energy drink cans and paper coffee cups, and the small basket of chewed pencils and pens. "A better question would be why do you care so much? Surely even you must realize that everyone has a different opinion, especially about cinema and pop culture."

"Okay, first: everyone is entitled to their opinion only so long as that opinion is not brain-achingly stupid. Second: I have to talk to SOMEONE." He swept his hand angrily towards his door. "All of a sudden, everybody is too fucking busy to cast five minutes my way. No time for old Vantas, everybody's got shit to do!"

She exhaled through her nose as she nodded, lips pursed, "So everyone has been occupied with mid-terms and projects, I presume?"

He cast his eyes down at the littered floor, grumbling. "Yeah. And I guess I dragged you out of whatever important shit you were doing and made you sit in on my bullshit whiny rumpus party. Sorry about that."

"Important?" She scoffed, "Hardly! I've been reading Fifty Shades of Gray and to borrow a joke I've already heard made several times before, it is several more shades of awful."

Karkat waved his hand with a sharp wince, "Oh god, no no no no. Skip. Pass. Next. Proceed to the next option and weep for humanity..."

He worked his way into a vertical position as he began to pontificate with great purpose, "What is wrong with romantic literature as a whole, that this is what passes for popular and laudable? Is it too much to ask for a decent fucking romance? Something with characters who can show evidence of at least two functioning neurons, and I don't want to reach through the pages and throttle? Something with believable reactions to events, and, maybe, gasp, some actual god-damned emotions?"

He jabbed a finger in Kanaya's direction, "And no, before you pounce on me with and tear me to ribbons with your immaculately manicured lady-talons, I'm not coming down on your vampire fantasy fetish. I'm not some slice-of-life fanatic who fails to accept anything that requires suspension of belief. I have no problem whatsoever with fantasy elements, got that? For all the fucks I give, write me a story where a were-mermaid gets locked up in a dragon's tower and has to be rescued by a lesbian vampire, and I will read the SHIT out of that as long as it's written WELL. Hell, throw in hemophobia and a seafood allergy for added drama while you're at it. Fine! But you come at me with some diatribe fraught with unlikeable characters and bad dialogue, and nope, I'm fucking gone."

And the Oscar goes to Karkat Vantas.

Kanaya believed makeshift therapist was a good look on her. She nodded, hands folded beneath her chin as she replied simply, "You're deflecting."

Karkat drooped sullenly, "Maybe. I still stand by my analysis, though."

Kanaya gestured with graceful hands, "And an excellent analysis it is. Is this because you find yourself lacking in such an area yourself?"

He gave her a deadpan look, "Kanaya. Really. You've known me since fifth grade. When have I NOT been the damn standard-bearer for the romance genre? Because I don't know if you remember, but my relationship status has never once flagged my adoration for a classic love story. Just because the girls around here all have sense enough to stay away from the wandering train-wreck I call my own self doesn't change that."

"True. Although, truth be told, I can't think of anyone who deserves somebody as much as you." Her smile was fond and understanding before she delved back into her usual dulcet tones, "However, that implies anyone can somehow chalk up to those insurmountable standards you seem to have set."

Karkat sneered and threw his head back in contempt, "Whose standards are insurmountable? I just want someone I click with, who isn't a complete jackass, and can put up with my shit. Everything but that last bit is easily surmounted."

"Sounds almost as though the only ones capable of dealing with you in that regard are myself and Sollux. However, we already know how that particular endeavor is unfolding."

"And I am more than happy to declare, here and now, my most passionate, platonic devotion to the pair of you-or I would, if Sollux would ever ANSWER A FUCKING TEXT. I haven't heard from that jackass in days, and I'm holding Eridan personally responsible."

"That wouldn't entire surprise me. Although this little..." Kanaya attempted to find a proper word to describe the situation, "thing… of theirs seems to be somewhat good for them. At least on Eridan's part. From what I've heard, Sollux is so far in the closet he believes he's a festive winter parka."

"Jesus, can we not talk about them getting it on? There are things I do not want to imagine, but my brain obviously hates me with a fiery passion, and it does cruel things to me. Cruel things, Kanaya, you don't even understand."

"Somebody has been delving into the Jhonen Vasquez, I see." Kanaya shrugged, "I'm against outing as much as the next liberal, caring individual, but this entire scenario is simply unbelievable enough to be downright entertaining, I dare say."

"ENOUGH! I don't want to talk about those two rabbit-minded miscreants anymore!" Karkat fumed, curling up on the bed with his knees pulled to his chest.

He stayed silent for a few moments, before grumbling, "I don't even know what they're thinking. Eridan isn't fooling anybody with his stupid codeword-laden gossip. 'Oh Kar, things are going swell with that guy I'm fucking, wink wink. Me and my mystery lay got it on last night, knowing nod'."

"Seeing as though this is the closest thing to a relationship he has and that he has already royally fucked up the rules I had assembled to keep Sollux from being embarrassed, you seem to be the only one can confide in." She pouted somewhat, "Not that he could tell me anything of course because OH what would I know."

Karkat raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Really? Shit, I'd have thought you'd be the first unfortunate target of his giddy verbal diarrhea. I'll keep you in the loop the next time Ampora gets it in his pomade-saturated cranium that sharing is caring, but I warn you, the nitty is disturbingly gritty."

"No, no." She waved dismissively, "The less that people other than you three know, the better. It's for the greater good after all." Kanaya grit her teeth, resisting the urge to ask how gritty the nitty could possibly be.

"It's not like you don't already know. Hell, I'd be surprised if the whole shiteating hallway didn't suspect it. The other day I actually get it in my head to do a little social call, and what do I see? A verbal fight worthy of a goddamn stage musical happening right before the elevator. As though no one would suspect two guys arguing like a married couple either on the brink of divorce or about to engage in rough furniture-smashing sex."

Kanaya then dropped her head into her outstretched hands with a labored sigh, "Are you kidding me?"

"I shit you not. Needless to say, any hope I had of being social shriveled like a banana slug cast into the Dead Sea." Karkat burried his face back between his knees, "Hello Third-wheel-ville, population: me. And isn't that just the way all of my social forays are going lately? Fuck, even Leijon was too busy to spend thirty fucking seconds with me."

Kanaya lifted her head with a curious glance, "Leijon?"

"Nepeta. The weird catgirl that puts up with me."

"'Puts up with,' you say?" There came a quirk of her head.

Karkat rushed through a muttered explanation, "Considering that the statistical probability of anybody actually enjoying time spent with me is negligible at best? Yes, she 'puts up with' me, which is as good as a fucktard like me can hope for."

"Why do you think that is?"

Karkat remembered the hypothesis that Sollux and Eridan both seemed to harbor; "Poor judgment," he said, with a note of finality.

He leaned back, stretching out his legs and supporting himself on his hands on the bed. "I don't know. Maybe she likes me, maybe she's smart enough not to; I kind of hope for the smart option."

Kanaya leaned back in her seat with a contemplative expression, "Is this because you care about her welfare or because you're just not interested?"

"Can't it be both?" Karkat looked away, running a hand through his tangled black hair. "She's annoying and obsessive and exhausting, but I guess I like her fine ias a friend./i It's not like I can be picky, and she is kind of fun in a way when I can figure out what the ever-loving Christ she's gabbing off about; but the spark, it just isn't fucking there."

Kanaya nodded sympathetically, "That's perfectly understandable. Can't force what isn't there, after all."

"So, miserable lonely shithead that I am, I'm still not going to pretend something I can't feel, which leaves me completely and ironically fucked. If she likes me and I can't reciprocate then I don't just lose a good friend, I break her squeaky little weeabo heart and earn myself the grand prize of my own personal circle of hell. The Vantas circle, one step lower than the special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. So yeah, I really hope it doesn't come to that."

"Not being interested in a girl doesn't make you worse than a child molester." Kanaya spoke incredulously, straightening in surprise.

Karkat snorted, "See, at least she gets my Firefly references."

Her expression grew deadpan as she rolled her eyes, "Well pardon me. Our taste in entertainment has always clashed as you well know."

"Hey, fine, you want something with no regard for story, character dynamics, or plot? Slog through whatever hamfisted smutfest Ampora had the lack of decorum to post."

Kanaya's eyebrows rose as she fought to stifle a laugh, "So you've heard about Viva La Villainy?"

"Feferi was giggling her pert and perky ass off over it," Karkat said with a shake of his head. "I got the cliffnotes, and by god, that alone was too much."

"Is Sollux actually so..." Kanaya strove to find the word, winding her hand in the air, "idealistic in person?"

"Tholluckth? Idealistic?" Karkat laughed, "Holy fuck, no! He and I are currently neck-and-neck for the gold in the Pessimist Olympics, with particular attention to free-form self-loathing and the fifty-meter snark."

Kanaya sat back, arms folded, "From what I've been able to glean, it's Fifty Shades of Gray meets a terrible super hero comic."

"Like I care to read his masturbatory drivel. I used to say that whatever keeps him out of trouble was okay, but now I'm afraid that I'm complicit in encouraging him."

Kanaya looked back and forth, "Yes, that's true. Besides, he hasn't updated it in almost two weeks, so maybe he's abandoned it."

"Since you're keeping such a close eye on our pervert laureate, would you say he dropped off the fanfiction grid roughly as soon as he started using Sollux as his personal humpmuffin?"

Kanaya shook her head slowly, "I really wouldn't know, but given the psychology of the situation, it's very possible that his 'story' had run its course."

"Then the world of literature owes Sollux's dipstick a tremendous debt of gratitude...and that is a sentance that never should have been uttered."

"He isn't exactly Helen of Troy, is he?" She cackled wryly.

"Now there's a story the world will never need: The Eridilliad." Karkat shuddered, "Once upon a time, a hipster douche conspired with the gods to seduce and kidnap a reclusive nerd, and lo, no shits were given."

"And thousands were slain at the altar of two men both terribly incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship. And the gods declared," Kanaya paused for dramatic effect, arm outstretched, "Meh."

Karkat offered a slow clap, "Thus ends the tale of two star-crossed douchebags and their cavalcade of dysfunctions."

Outside the room door, an argument could be heard in the hallway; a familiar reedy voice laden with irritation was muffled by the door. Karkat crept to the door and cracked it open, poking his head out in time to see Eridan pushing Sollux towards the elevator.

"...to the mess hall, an' that's final. Christ Almighty, Sol, you could wear a bracelet as a belt."

Karkat shook his head, looking over at Kanaya, who had quietly joined him in peeking out the door "Some fucking paragon of discretion."

Kanaya stared incredulously as the scene ended, "This is a common occurrence, then?"

"It's getting more common. You know how Eridan is when he gets it in his gray-matter that he knows best...though, hate to say it, but fuck me raw if he isn't right for once. At least now we know that Sollux is eating at least once a day."

She sighed and shook her head, "If you don't mind and if they don't find it too meddlesome, I think I need to interfere a bit. If not for Sollux's comfort, you see." She walked down the hallway as casually as possible after the retreating pair.

Karkat darted forward, still barefoot, and blocked her path, hissing quietly, "Nope, nope, negatory, with a side of hell no."

"Why?" Kanaya's eyebrows arched incredulously, hands going to her narrow hips.

Karkat looked behind him; Eridan and Sollux were impatiently awaiting the elevator, completely oblivious, "Because I have zero desire to see the drama llama take a shit right outside my door."

He guided her back towards his room, "Look, when they get back I'll have a word with Sollux, see whether Eridan's public manhandling is doing more harm than good. If there is anything, any tiny little reason to be concerned, I promise to recant and let you, no, BEG you to render aid."

After a brief moment of consideration, Kanaya nodded, "If you insist. At any rate, I should get going anyway."

Karkat relaxed and nodded. "Okay, just a second, I'll walk you back." He brushed past her to shove on a pair of shoes, and he grabbed an old and thoroughly-worn charcoal-gray hoodie. "Least I can do for dragging you out to check on my whiny ass."

"It would do you well to get your vitamin D as well." She grinned, restarting her trek down the hallway.

He slouched alongside her, "Yes Mother."

For all the complaining that Karkat ever did, Karkat really was one of the most worthwhile compatriots of hers. Although his own inadvertent meddling could compete with hers at times. At least his role as an RA was a healthy outlet for his attitude.

Downstairs, Karkat blinked in the bright sunlight. "God damn. Isn't mid-October supposed to be full of those gray lifeless days that depress the world but spare the retinas?"

"The sunlight is perfectly reasonable for the time of day. You've just been inside for presumably at least ten hours, class notwithstanding." Kanaya walked with her hands behind her back.

Karkat shoved his hands into his jacket, only further stretching the habit-sagged pockets. "Don't judge me. I'm doing the world a favor by sequestering myself; it spares the peons of these supposedly-fine halls of learning from dealing with me any more than is academically necessary."

"Has anyone gotten to telling you just ever so dramatic you are?"

"Some have tried, all have failed."

The both of them seemingly out of steam, they were able to walk in silence for a few minutes. Kanaya then broke the silence, "For all of your complaining, I'm very proud of your non-judgmental ways."

Karkat gave her a sidelong stare, "Earth to Maryam, just a reminder: you're talking to me, not Feferi. You remember, the loud JUDGEMENTAL one? I'm practically the fucking patron saint of loud, argumentative assholes. Dear God in Heaven, did you manage a head-wound while I wasn't looking?"

"I mean in regards to Eridan and Sollux and their... situation so to speak. Not to mention my own." Her voice had grown soft as she spoke of herself.

"Why the fuck would I give a half a damn about their little homo non-romance, when those two give me an overabundance of reasons to froth at the mouth already?" he shrugged, before smiling softly. "And you? Come on, Kanaya; 'Christopher' never suited you anyway."

She winced a bit at the mention of her name, clearing her throat, "Use of the name aside, I do appreciate your support... and I always have." She looked off to the side momentarily, taking a deep breath.

Karkat looked over and slapped himself in the forehead, shielding his eyes, "FUCK, sorry, sorry, I never should have said anything. Jesus, even I can't believe what an insensitive prick I am sometimes."

She looked back over, shaking her head for a moment, "No, no, it's all right, Karkat. Really, I know it was just a slip-up." Karkat could see she had teared up just a little bit.

He peeked between his fingers and, seeing her tears, began to tear at his hair, "NO NO NO! I'm a shit friend, the shittiest!" He raced in front of her and gestured wildly with his hands, "Look, all I was trying to get at was this: before you figured yourself out, you weren't YOU. You were pretending to be somebody you weren't and it's a steaming pile of crap, having to watch a friend go through that. When you chose your name you started being happy, and what kind of walking shitstain would I be if I didn't support you one hundred and infinity percent?"

She lightly shooshed him, placing her hand on his shoulder with a shaky smile. She didn't have words right then, but the gentle touch was enough. You weren't friends with someone for nearly a decade without understanding them.

Karkat looked around, in case anybody had noticed his potentially-outing protestations. Nobody seemed to be taking any particular note, so he breathed a sigh and offered Kanaya a brief hug, before pulling away and shuffling on towards her dorm.

She did hope for the best for him. Honestly she did. She looked at his hunched figure and hoped that... not even that he could find love or anything so simple and fleeting; she wanted him to be happy.

Finally they reached Boxcars Hall. Karkat turned, "Hey, thanks again for coming to check on me. Not that I'm that sorry to interrupt your literary shitfest, but, take it easy, okay?" He awkwardly patted her arm.

"You're able to use actual words to invite me to see you if you like." She mimicked the arm pat in return with a jesting smile.

"You're able to wear floral prints, but we both know how that's going to go," he replied with a sassy smirk. He turned and waved behind him as he trudged back down the path.

"Contraire mon frere!" She called back before going inside, a white glow warming her from within.

Once Kanaya had gone inside, Karkat stood outside in the chill; simply staring up at the building. He knew this was the building that Nepeta lived in as well. He had the urge to call her again, just for the sake of talking, but found himself feeling guilty. Was he being friendly with her because he didn't want to feel alone? Was he using her? Was he stringing her along? He growled to himself and turned around, taking the easier route and just walking away for now.

Karkat walked back to his dorm. He paused outside of Sollux's and Eridan's doors; he knocked three times on Sollux's door and waited for a minute or so, before realizing that there was no way Sollux would be back yet.

Stupid best friend with his lousy fucking timing.

Later, when he heard the two bathroom-bickerers strife their way back to their respective quarters, he would try again, maybe challenge Sollux to a game or two, have an argument, exchange threats, and storm back to his room.

Typical social stuff.