Yeah I know that it's been a long time, but I might as well dust off the mothballs and get the ball rolling with this guy again. Danny A. Owns Ed, Edd n Eddy I own nothing not even this computer.
Eddy hated the woods, he absolutely hated it. The cold, the bugs, the trees and the dirt. Whoever thought that it would be a good idea to walk around in the middle of some trees with a few half formed paths should be dragged out of their nice air-conditioned house and be curb stomped into submission.
The only one of them who seemed to get really into the walks was Double D and for that Eddy hated him. But still, best friend needed a few snails or something so there the three of them were, with Ed and Double D up ahead crawling in the dirt like a pair of savages while he humped along with his chapped hands stuck in his pockets.
He wanted to go home and take a shower and a nap, but they were probably going to be out there for another hour or two. The days were getting shorter so Double D tried to cram as much in them before they were stuck inside. Admirable if Eddy had to say so, also aggravating and in his mind unnecessary.
"Yo! Don't you have enough creepy crawlies yet?" He called as the two of them began to wander off of the path and into the denser foliage.
"Not yet Eddy! But we are getting there!" Edd called back to his pint sized friend as the two of them went deeper into the trees. Eddy stood watching the path, he would go in but he was tired from the mountain of homework left for him from Monday. And dreading the detention that he had for the next few days. A few jokes and liberating a skeleton and all of a sudden he was a bad guy.
Eddy took out a cheap dime store lighter and started to flick it off and on, he had bought an entire pack and would do something like that until the gas was out, he liked to watch the flame. Not to mention it warmed up his hands a little in the wind. He kept going and started a game of how often he could light it before only a few dim sparks would come out. He got to thirty before he sensed something amiss.
He looked up to find three waiting girls, normally he would turn his charm on and seduce them. That is he would do that if any of them weren't the Kanker sisters. He froze and glowered, he put the lighter back into his back pocket and prepared to run. His eyes went to Lee he knew that she would probably try to break from the other two and stalk him, the others would normally leave him alone as he was her 'Boyfriend'.
His arm muscles tightening in anticipation. Lee seemed to be looking right through him, not even acknowledging his existence. She made a vague move at him, flinging her arms up. Eddy turned to bolt; and promptly fell over Marie's outstretched legs as she had managed to get around him without him noticing. Eddy ate dirt and sat up spitting out some mud.
"UGH!" He looked around wildly, it might be too late for him but he could at least warn Lumpy and Sockehead "KANKERS!" He shouted as loud as he could, hoping against hope that they heard him.
"Here ya go Lee!" Marie shouted happily as she sat on his back. "Me and May are popping up ahead, catch ya later!"
"What you don't want to share or nothing?" Lee said as she normally did. Eddy noticed something off, her voiced seemed to lack luster, as if she were goignt through the motions of the events.
"Naw. You enjoy your boy toy, I'm after an actual guy." With a sly grin and her tongue running along her teeth Marie grabbed May's hand and sprinted off into the woods.
Eddy looked up at his tormentor, his back on the ground, she sat heavily on his chest and he struggled underneath her. He expected her hands to go under his shirt and take off his shoes and socks as was the usual practice, expecting her to apply five different shades of lipstick and ravish him again. He was used to it, not numb oh certainly not! He would pitch a fit and scream and kick and make it as hard for her to work as possible. He would scream bloody murder and try to headbutt her as was their system.
But all that she did was gaze down at him, her face unusually stoic and her hair not betraying any emotion in her eyes. Eddy lay there looking up at her anxiously expecting the next part of the trick. She simply looked down at him, studied him.
'Probably calculating the price of my jacket.' He thought smugly to himself, saved up for it for weeks an achievement and a half right there, it was vintage and designed to imitate a wingback v-neck. Her's looked like it had been fished out of a dumpster.
"So we gonna do this or what?" Eddy said, she just glowered down at him. Frowning, annoyed at being ignored he brought his arm up from between her leg and his torso and snapped it rudely near her face.
"YO! Earth to sexual predator! I want to go running after my friends soon! And I got a dinner date with a fox tonight." Lee just looked down at him.
"I doubt it, probably a faux."
"A what?"
"A fake person, twenty bucks say you eat a candlelit dinner with a mannequin before choking the chicken." Eddy turned red as a beet and began to rant and rave underneath her. She looked at him and put her hands over his face and cheeks.
"Emmh. That feels nice." Eddy paused, still flushed and colored up to his cheeks a bright purple. "You're pretty warm for a shrimp." Eddy hated being a solid head shorter than his tormentor but still he liked to think he was filling out nicely into his frame. But he wouldn't tell his tormentor that.
"Whatever, get off me nutcase." Lee shrugged and causally flung herself sideways so that they were laying side by side on the ground and early fallen leaves. One strong leg and an arm draped over him, her other arm wormed its way between his jacket and torso. She laid beside him and just kept gazing at him, at least he was pretty sure she was, he couldn't tell underneath all the hair.
"What the necks with you?"
"I just don't feel like messing with you today boyfriend."
"So what you're going to let me go?"
"Nah, just appreciate being in the arms of a beautiful lady for a little while okay? Don't say a thing." Eddy laid there stiff as a board, he could feel her heartbeat next to his waist and hear her breathing softly in his ear. He looked at her through the side of his eye, if she was looking at him he couldn't tell. Eddy laid there prone on the ground with the redheaded girl hugging him and the clouds softly flowing overhead.
'Help meeeeeeee.' He thought privately to himself.
Double D stared at his softly sobbing friend in shock, it had taken him a long time to finally open up about what had happened, it too prodding and questions and even a few bribes, but Ed had eventually snapped and had given a long winded deeply detailed account of the nights shenanigans. Even though Edd had pleaded with him to stop and had covered his ears and hummed the ode to joy for ten minutes straight.
Well now he knew everything and the only one in the dark out of their merry little trio was Eddy. And once they told him the three of them would be quickly renamed a miserable trio of emotionally shellshocked boys.
"Ed. I do not even know which emotion is proper to express for this specific moment right now." Ed's lower lip was softly quivering and the snails that they had liberated from the leaves were slowly crawling across his face and shoulders and left arm.
"Double D?"
"Yes Ed?"
"Are you mad?" Edd paused at the question, adjusted his hat and rubbed his jaw. "More disappointed than anything else. What were you thinking. I mean...were you? I-it-you-ITS MAY KANKER MAN!"
Ed promptly burst back into tears and covered his face with some leaves that stuck there from the snot and drool. Double D sighed again and took out an impeccably folded handkerchief that he handed off to his friend. Ed took it and rubbed his face vigorously.
"You cannot keep this from Eddy, but you can't tell him. He will freak out any which way."
"You're the smart one Double D! You tell me!" Ed brought his friend into a born crushing hug and sobbed all the harder. "OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN!"
"Inappropriate quotes aside Ed I really do not know what to tell you. What are your parents thinking? Which route do they think is most appropriate for this little, ahem 'Accident?'"
"They just kept saying abortion. What is that anyways?" Double D was shocked, he was personally prochoice but still, this was his friends unborn child! And...well yes admittedly Ed himself was almost too much like a child himself.
"I.I. I cannot tell you I just." Edd blew out a breath he had been holding and massaged his neck, he felt as if he were full of electricity and wanted to pulse it all into some knitting or a finally labeled graph paper, something that he could do with this pent up energy.
"Ed I am sorry but I don't think I have any answers."
If he had told Ed that the world's largest reservoir of gravy had been stolen by aliens he wouldn't have gotten a bigger shocked silence. Ed looked at him slack jawed and red eyed. As if he were completely broken.
A whistle came from the trees and the two boys turned to see two girls exit the forest. They had heard Eddy yell something earlier, something about Bankers but the trees had been too thick and the two of them distracted by Edd's roundabout questioning. Now what their short friend had screamed seemed all the more obvious.
"Look l-l-ladies. We are really not in the mood for these shenanigans today so well. If you could give us a free pass this one single time?" Edd trailed off, he had hoped to appeal to their good natures and human feelings, it had clearly failed. May was hiding behind Marie who was panting hungrily. Double D turned tail and began to run through the trees, he looked around wildly for Ed only to see him sitting resigned to his fate back where he had been moments before on the trail.
Double D tried to turn around only to feel two arms wrap around his torso and carry him up into the trees. Marie cackling as she lifted up her prey like a spider.
May and Ed watched as their friend and sister disappeared into the woods and just kept eye contact. May sat in front of Ed and looked at him.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. She wiped at her nose and a little snot came out. He offered her Double D's ruined hanky. She accepted it and rubbed at her face.
"Nazz knows."
"I told her." The two kept looking at each other. Both crying a little, tears were cooling on their faces and leaving little runs of chapped and dried salt.
"What now?"
"We run away to a foreign land and become farmers, the two of us changing our names to Ida and Molotov." Ed said with such a straight face and clear voice that she couldn't help but snort in laughter. Ed cocked his head to the side like a rooster, he had actually been one hundred percent serious. After pondering their situation for all of twelve seconds that seemed logical.
"And how would we eat?"
"It can be a food farm. In a communist country."
"Are there really any countries like that left?"
"I failed geography five times." Ed admitted, May nodded, she had too. They sat and stared at each other. He looked at her and she scrutinized him.
"My mom bought a lawyer."
"My mommy bought groceries."
"Why do you call her mommy? I means it's cute and all but still." Ed shrugged and scratched at the back of his head where a leaf had gotten stuck.
"She never paid attention to me before I called her that. Then she did. Now she still does." May nodded, as the youngest and least bloodthirsty of her family she knew the feeling. Sure she was plenty ruthless, but she wasn't as loud or 'mature' as Lee or Marie.
"What should we do though? If neither of us are sued into oblivion?" Ed only shrugged, his mind was wading through the bogs currently, he would find some solution sooner rather than later. May sighed and moved so that her back was facing him and she leaned back into his lap. Her head looking up at his face, Ed freezes and looked straight ahead.
For some reason the only thing that he could think of was the crazy stuff that they had done on that night so many weeks ago. It had been-erotic to say the least. She sighed and looked up at the tall necked boy, it almost fused into his head and eliminated his chin, it made him seem some how much more fluid than other boys she had seen.
May wrestled herself closer to him and breathed in his scent of gravy, farm fowl and a relaxed air. Ed looked at her mess of blonde hair with a hundred snags and her buck teeth, she looked like a woodland creature. He liked woodland creatures.
Double D gazed up at Marie as she savagely kissed him hard on the forehead, using her tongue to swirl around on his skin and sucking at his neck leaving a hickey. She seemed to be distressed. He had noticed that that was the major reason that she went to him. She needed a release, understandable as she lived in such a distressing place in the world.
He looked at her and opened his mouth.
"I-"
"Just don't okay? Just please don't talk to me." She sucked a little as if to keep the hitch out of her voice, in order to keep the tears in her eyes. And the frustration out of her voice. Kissing was a better remedy than assaulting someone with a deadly weapon.
Yep just felt like writing a little something, please remember to read and review, I own nothing not even this computer Danny A. Owns Ed Edd n Eddy.
