CHAPTER EIGHT
(Magnus finally gets Alec to talk up.)
Magnus showed up earlier than he planned but Jace's car was already gone, but Alec's car was there meaning he was alone. He sat in his car on the street for a good ten minutes before opening the door; he pulled his bag out with him from the passenger seat. He walked slower than his usual pace, part of him felt the terror in his gut. He didn't know what he was going to do if Alec didn't talk to him this time, would a break even be worth it anymore or would he break up with him. He didn't want to think about that; he loved Alec more than any other past relationship or current friendships. He had to fight for him but it was hard to continue that fight if the other person had already given up. He knew he was being an idiot for doing this now but if Alec didn't open up to him, he couldn't spend his nights and days action like strangers in the same bed. If he wanted that he would have gone back to the bars for their one-night stands. He wanted a relationship with honesty. He paused at the door, wondering if he should let himself in or knock, it just seemed too odd to knock, so he used his keys to let himself in. The lights were off; the street lamps were the only thing in the room or the kitchen which were too far, so Magnus had to move on instinct to find the stairs.
"Alec?" He called out softly. He thought for a second no one was home but there was a light on upstairs, it was dim, so it had to come from the bathroom. He took the stairs slowly since there wasn't really enough light and tripping would just add pain to injury. "Alec?" All the bedroom doors were closed, so Magnus left the bathroom light on in case he needed it later. He didn't knock just walked in his and Alec's room. Seeing Alec sitting on the floor at the end of the bed almost killed him. "Alec?" He dropped his bag by the door, closing it as he entered, and went to him. He had tears in his eyes, looking at Alec so defeated.
Alec was sitting up but his head was bent down, he had one knee with an arm resting across it, he looked up at his name being called, "Magnus?"
"Hey, what happened?" Magnus sat down, crossed legged so he could stare at Alec. He was close enough that he could move Alec's messy hair out of his face. He drew his fingers around Alec's cheek to hold onto him. He saw the evidence of forgotten tears; the streaks down his face. Using a thumb, he wiped away the remaining evidence on one side of his face.
"Are you really here?" Alec focused on Magnus but he couldn't tell if he was just thinking about him too much, so he appeared or if he was really there. "I was thinking about you and here you are. You've been in my dreams."
Magnus smiled at him, a slow smile that was laced with sadness. "I'm here."
"I wish you were." Alec still didn't believe his eyes. "I'm ready to talk."
"So-" Magnus lowered his hands, he still felt as if Alec didn't believe his presences. "-talk."
"I ruined everything. I'm scared because I'm losing everything including the only person who's ever loved me for me and not because they have too. It's all too much."
Magnus felt it shift, the entire room shifted around them, "Alexander, it's okay. I'm here now, I know it's a lot but you are strong, you can handle this." He found himself leaning in closer to him to be able to see him better in the dark room. Once again, the only light in the house came from the outside street lamps.
"Oh god, I love when you do that. Even in sadness, it's sexy to hear it. I hate that I make it sound so sad now. It breaks me to think it will never be filled with happiness again. It's been sexy since the first time you called me that and now it just seems off."
Magnus was beginning to think Alec was drunk but he didn't smell like he was, his speech was almost slurred and slow.
Alec continued with his speech as if Magnus didn't hear the middle part, like Alec never said it at all. "It's not. I drove you away. Izzy only yells at me anymore. Jace barely looks or talks to me. Clary and Simon barely talk to me. Everything's my fault. I'm trying so hard to not let my world crash around me. But it hasn't done any good. Max likes me but until when; when is the look in eyes going to change like it has for the rest of the family?" Alec felt himself crying like he had been doing for the last hour. The tears were hushed but hurt him at the same time.
"Never; it will never change. Max and I are going to love you until the end of time. The others will as well. They are all just stressed, we all are. We all love you and care about you, that's why we want you to talk to us. You have to get it out or it's never going to change." Magnus moved in then to kiss him. He wanted Alec to feel the same love he felt but Alec turned his head, on purpose or not, Magnus wasn't sure. "Alexander," He whispered to get his boyfriend to look at him. "I love you."
"I made you leave," Alec stated back, still looking away from him. "I made you doubt us. Doubt me."
"You also made me come back."
"How? I haven't done anything."
"Just you being you. I feel your pain and I want to make it go away. That made me come back to you. The pain of seeing you here alone broke my heart." Magnus sighed, putting his hands on Alec's face to get his eyes on him. Those soulful, bottomless blue eyes that he cherishes more than life finally obeyed and locked on his. "We will get through this. We love each other too much to fail."
"Max had an interview today with a social worker, judge, and lawyers. I told him to be honest and answer every question, but to be honest with myself on the inside I wished he would have kicked and screamed to want to stay with me." He honestly didn't know what he was doing anymore. He knew the look in Magnus' eyes were holding him steady as he could finally breathe again. "He clung to me before going in, I have pry his arms from my neck. I wanted to die. When he went in I kept thinking I wanted you there so I had someone to cling to. I don't know what he said but this judge is putting our case on a fast track. My parent's money is driving the whole process. Their status-"
Magnus felt an odd sense of relief, now that Alec was talking he wouldn't stop talking even to breathe, so he thought it was his job to remind him. "Take a breath, Alexander."
Alec, as if realizing that Magnus was really there, changed topics just as fast as he was breathing. "I felt like such an idiot asking the lawyer how much I owed him. He gave me the stupidest look and told me I paid already. I forced Stacey to tell me who paid since it had to be some sort of mistake. But it wasn't, was it?"
It was Magnus' turn to look away then, he had hoped Stacey would have held out longer than two days but that was not the case. She caved on him. "No, it wasn't."
"You paid for it all. You left me, left our home. I drove you to leave-" He sounded so weak even to himself. "-and yet you paid every cent of my lawyer fees."
"It was the only thing I could do to help. I wanted it to relieve some stress from you. I would do it whether I was home or not. You keep disregarding the fact that I came back."
Alec looked at his hands, putting his knee down to clasp them together, "I would be lying if I say it didn't help because not thinking about money was nice for the afternoon. I just don't know how to pay you back." He was still dodging what Magnus wanted him to talk about; to acknowledge his return as something Alec did.
"You don't have to, no offense but the lawyer fee didn't even crack a dent in my bank account. Just let me do this for you. There is no paying me back."
"How can you look at me knowing I have nothing to give?"
Alec was hell-bent on beating himself up, and Magnus couldn't figure out why. "Nothing to give? I think you don't know yourself very well. You have lots to give. You love me and my broken past. You didn't even bat an eye when my past literally came to town to hurt us. You never ask questions beyond the basics and if you do and I don't want to talk about it, you drop it. Just like that. You don't press me about anything from my past. You give me life. When I came to this state, I was running and thankfully I ran straight into you. This is just another speed bump; we just need to go slow to get over it." Magnus mentally kicked himself for the stupid pun but he felt right to say it at the moment. Alec snorted, he got how ridiculous it sounded as well, thought Magnus.
Magnus felt like a hypocrite for a moment, Alec never pushed him but lately all he was doing was pushing Alec. He kept repeating to himself that it wasn't the same, not talking about past relationships and not talking about the situation they were all involved in were two different things.
"I'm so angry at my parents and I have been for so long but I was forced to keep it in as to not scare Max but now he's older and I still have to hold it in. I'm used to being the only adult to take charge and fix any situation, always holding in. I get quiet and I stop talking because if not then I'll yell which isn't good for anyone. Dealing with it on my own was just a way of life, so I don't know what to do when I have help. I've never had you here with me, so I don't know how to rely on you now. It's close to boiling over and I don't know what to do with it. I have these good memories battling the bad ones. Izzy, Jace, and Max don't have them of my parents the same way I do. How do I let them go and move on? How do I get better? I've ruined everything. How do I talk to them about the good times when I know they don't have any? I feel like I'm betraying our sibling bond by even thinking of the happy memories. I know the bad out ways the good but I still have them. I can't erase them just because I'm mad at them. It's a part of me that drives the anger. How do I talk to you? You don't even have parents so I feel like I would be a burden on you."
"Like this. Like you are doing now. You are opening up about everything and just talking. This is good and healthy for you." Magnus noticed for the first time that Max's Rex was sitting on the floor next to them, that trip to the zoo was the first time Magnus had been alone with the boy and it was ranked as one of the best days of his life. He picked up the stuffed T-Rex to play with it, it was dirty and needed a run through the wash but Max took it everywhere with him, so they always had to wash him. He couldn't help but think he would have to buy him a new one soon. "It's not good for you either, to keep it inside. You don't need to protect me, Alec. We are in a relationship, equal parts, you and I. Talking about the pain is what's going to relieve some of the weight on your shoulders. That is what's going to help you. I think Izzy and Jace will understand about the memories; you just need to explain it to them."
"Yes, I do, your mine." Alec froze all movements, "I mean- I mean-" he had to breathe deeply to reign in the tears that were so close to falling, "you were."
"You really don't get it, do you?" Magnus grabbed him then, forcing Alec to look at him. He waited for their eyes to meet. "Listen to me and listen to me good, you are mine. You will always be mine and I will always be yours." He leaned in for a quick kiss; he had to pull back before he took it too far, "Stop holding yourself back and let me in." He wasn't sure of himself if he meant with his emotions or with his kiss.
Alec looked at him with not an ounce of sadness, just what felt like a relief. He moved in for a kiss then, he pushed hard against Magnus that he was forced to remove his hands from Alec to rest them on the ground, or he would have fallen backward. Magnus allowed Alec to run the tone of the kiss; he didn't want to push him with all the frail emotions Alec was feeling at that moment.
Magnus felt the pull of Alec shifting away from him and he wasn't ready for that, he used one hand to prop him up and the other to keep Alec's mouth on his by pushing hard on the back of Alec's head. That seemed to last forever before Magnus let himself fall back to the floor, bringing Alec with him. Using both hands to run through his hair.
"We should wait." Alec tried to cut in between kisses, somehow, they made it to laying down on the floor next to the bed, he couldn't remember how that happened. He was on top of Magnus. His mind was still racing from the raw emotions he was feeling from talking everything out; he just knew they started with what he planned to be a simple kiss.
"Stress relief. We both need it." Magnus pulled the neck of Alec's shirt stretching it aside to continue his exploration of Alec's skin. They haven't been together like this in what seemed like ages; Alec felt new to him like he needed to re-explore every inch of him. He would start with his favorite part of him, his collarbone. He wanted the shirt removed, he let go of his shirt and latched onto Alec's neck, using his hands to the bottom of his shirt, pulling hard to bring it up. Alec wasn't ready to release his hands from Magnus' which meant his shirt would have to stay in place pulled up to his stomach. He flinched when Magnus' cold hands moved across his back and waist, using a finger to slide along the inside of his blue jeans, enticing a moan from him.
Alec had his hands in Magnus' hair holding him to his skin. They were both so lost in one another that neither notice the light coming in from the now opened door.
"Magnus!" Max came into the room, yelling his name. "I've been waiting for you. Alec got me a new T-Rex today. We started a new reading book at school, wanna see it?"
Alec and Magnus were up in what seemed seconds, just a heartbeat to get them off themselves and standing.
"Hey, Max." He bent down to look at him. He was talking a mile a minute with everything he had missed in the last few days; he instantly felt a ping of regret for not being here.
"Jace, Magnus is here." Max smiled and raised his book; and went straight back talking fast. "Clary promised to take me to the library tomorrow."
"I see." Jace was leaning against the door jamb with a massive smirk on his face. Max had walked in on him and Clary so many times they lost count and had to begin locking their door. It was only fair that Alec experienced the same thing.
Alec looked at his brother standing in his doorway, Jace smirked and glanced down. Alec followed his glance and realized what he meant; the evidence of him and Magnus' make-out session very clear. It was almost a physical pain. The instant cold water that was Max wasn't helping much.
"How was dinner?" Magnus looked at Jace with a glare before giving Max his trademark smile.
"Jace let me have ice cream."
"Max!" yelled Jace at the same time Alec called his name.
"Jace, I told you no ice cream. He's never going to sleep tonight with all that sugar." Alec ran his hand through his hair. "You'll be taking care of him."
"Come on, Max. Its bath time and then bed. Clary's almost done running the water." Jace put his head on Max's head to push him in the direction he needed him to go. He waited for Max to leave, "Continue on." He shut the door fast behind him to close off the swear words he knew Alec was repeating.
Magnus had to laugh at the closing door; there was no way this would not be funny. They usually had it together enough that they heard Max and could straighten up before the child knocked or ran into the room. Magnus was much too excited still to do anything but laugh.
"It's not funny." Alec growling, sounding like Alec should sound for the first time in months to Magnus.
Magnus smiled at him, "You sound normal."
"I didn't before?" Alec wasn't sure what he meant by that.
"No, you haven't been you for a while now but you sound like you again." Magnus had to tilt his head as if that was the only way to get a good look at his boyfriend. "Do you feel better?"
"I'm instantly tired. I feel like the world is crashing around me again." He reached for Magnus' hand. "Stay with me."
"I thought you would never ask." Magnus intertwined their fingers; he was defiantly home.
"They were on the floor?" Clary smiled, her knees propped up under the covers with a book on her lap.
"Oh yeah." Jace had flopped down on their bed with a heavy sigh; it had taken him an extra hour to get Max to sleep. He hated to say Alec was right but he was. All the sugar had hyped the child so much that he was literally doing circles in his room and Jace still couldn't catch him in the tiny room. "Alec almost shirtless, his hands in Magnus' hair while he was on top. Magnus was attacking his neck and playing with Alec's pants."
"That's gross. I mean nothing we haven't done but I don't want to think of Alec and Magnus that way." Clary groaned, "I'm going to be thinking about that image for months."
Jace rolled over to look at his soon to be wife. "I love you."
It was too quick of a recovery for Clary to not be specious. "What do you want?"
"I don't need to want anything to say I love you." Jace tried to defend himself but Clary just stared at him, they both knew him well enough to know he was lying and wanted something. "Alright fine, I think you should be the one to call Izzy, she's still pissed."
"She's your sister."
"She's your best friend." Jace countered.
"Nope, Jace that is all you." Clary watched him, "We going to finish wedding planning? Its only weeks away."
"What else to do we need to plan?" Jace had to question; he was shocked. "I mean really, aren't we done?"
Clary pushed her book aside, carefully putting the bookmark in place and placing it on her nightstand. She kicked the covers from her knees and moved with speed and agility, straddling her fiancée. "The planning never ends until after we say 'I do.'" She leaned down then for a deep kiss, Jace gripping her waist to keep her in place.
