Who's Hotter?

Sirius had watched Pirates of the Caribbean eight more times over a span of three days. Remus managed to strike up the courage to visit him again.

"You know what, Remus?" Sirius said. "I'm rather upset because Jack Sparrow and Will Turner might be sexier than I am."

Remus raised an eyebrow at this. "Do explain."

"Well he gets the gorgeous woman, for one thing," said Sirius, pointing at the picture of Will Turner on his DVD cover. "Just look at him. Tell me if he's hot!"

"Sirius, I'm not interested in men, so I'm not going to check him out." Remus shoved the DVD away.

"Well I need an opinion on who's hotter."

"Then go ask some girls."

"That's a great idea." Sirius put away his DVD and went outside, dragging Remus with him. They walked down the street for a while until they came upon a girl, and Sirius tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but who do you think is hotter? Me or Will Turner?"

"Did you just mention Will Turner?" the girl squealed. She fainted and landed in a heap on the sidewalk,

"Er, I didn't do it." Sirius rushed across the street to the other side, where he found another girl. "Remus, you ask this time."

"Fine." Remus approached the second girl. "Do you think my friend here is hotter than Will Turner?"

"Creep!" the girl yelled. She ran down the street as fast as she could, seeking safety from the two curious wizards. Sirius and Remus hid inside a bush for about ten minutes, just in case the girl called the police, and then quickly found a different street to explore.

"Hello there, young lady," Sirius said to the girl who walked in front of them. "Who's hotter? Me or Will Turner?"

The girl spun around and her eyes grew into two gigantic disks. "SIRIUS BLACK? Is it really you? Oh, Sirius, I love you more than I can express!" She was wearing a shirt that said I Love Sirius Black along with earrings in the shape of black dogs, and she attacked Sirius in a painfully tight hug. "You're mine, Sirius. All mine at last!"

"Help," gasped Sirius. He pushed the girl away from him. "It's a crazed fangirl. Run, Remus!" He and Remus took off running, but the girl chased after them.

"Wait!" she cried. "Let me give you my name, phone number, and address! My name is Vivian Cauldronsocks and I live at—"

But Sirius and Remus had vanished from sight. The girl named Vivian Cauldronsocks sighed. "Next time, I'll get him. I'll find out where he lives and take a picture of him in the shower!" And with that plan carefully worked out, the crazed Sirius stalked skipped away to buy a fake marriage certificate off the internet.