Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.


One More Try: Chapter Seven


ARIZONA'S POV


Eliza left my place a few hours ago, but she has agreed to come back tonight so we can talk some more. She had been out running when she came by this morning and she doesn't have any of her belongings here anymore. Sure, she has the odd thing still here that I didn't want to throw out, but her letter to me six months after she left stated that anything belonging to her was to be put in the trash. It was to be put in the trash and I was to forget about her. The more I think about that letter, the more I'm glad I didn't let her go. I don't know where my life would be at right now if I had done as she asked. Sure, I've been completely broken for the best part of two years, but she is here and we are about to start one hell of a chapter in our lives. A chapter I'm not sure I would ever begin. My decision to do this wasn't taken lightly, but I knew I had to. If I was ever going to get back to my life, I knew I had to fulfill the dreams I lay awake thinking about. I mean, Eliza wasn't here to fulfill them with me, but I couldn't wait any longer. My life is ticking by before my eyes and I couldn't risk waiting any longer.

Toying with the envelope in my hands, I'm sitting up on a stool at the kitchen island and everything about today has made me realize that Eliza didn't do any of this to hurt me. I've only read this letter once and at the time…once was more than enough. I didn't want to look at the words she had handwritten me. I didn't want to touch the paper her fingers had caressed. To most, it seems silly to think that a letter is the only connection you have left, but it's how I felt. It's all I had left of her. Her words. Her honesty. Taking the perfectly folded piece of paper from the envelope, I run my fingers over the writing and release a sigh.

Arizona,

I don't ever expect you to understand the reasons for me leaving you, but it was for the best. You deserve the world and a lifetime of love and happiness, but I cannot give you that. I'd like to believe that one day I can, but in this moment…I'm battling. I'm battling for my life and my feelings. I'm battling just to breathe each day when I wake.

You were more than I ever could have hoped for in the weeks after my mom's death and I can never thank you enough for how you held me when I needed it. How you dropped everything just to be there for me. How you allowed me to cry and be angry at the world. You are a beautiful soul and I want the very best in life for you.

I thought that was me. I thought I could give you the world. It seems I was wrong and I'm sorry for any hurt or pain I've put you through since I left. Be happy, Arizona. I'm not worth the tears or the sleepless nights you may have had. I'm not worth anything right now. Do everything you've ever wanted to do. Be everything you've ever wanted to be. Most of all, forget I ever existed in your life. In this world.

If you are still reading… Know that I will always love you and I will always remember you. You deserve so much more than this.

Eliza

X

Releasing a deep breath and closing my eyes, tears fall down my face but I don't feel the same emotions that I did when I received this letter some eighteen months ago. I feel…lighter, maybe. I feel like I can read this now and try to understand why she left. Try to understand why she believed she would hurt me if she stayed. I know how she has struggled in the past and I know how she pushed through, but at twenty-one, she had faced a lot. The death of both parents. Drugs. The death of her friend from an overdose. Yeah, that stuff is enough to tip anyone over the edge. Those heartbreaking moments are enough to crush anyone. Knowing why she did it, I don't feel as personally attacked. I don't feel like she did it to intentionally hurt me any longer.

At first, I did. When she left I felt like she had just given up on us completely. Whilst I accept that she had to go…I don't accept that she couldn't keep in contact with me. She knows how much I love her. She knows how much I'd do anything to make her happy. If that meant waiting ten years for her to feel good again, I'd have waited. I'd have waited an entire lifetime for her. But she's back. She's here. She wants this with me. I don't really know how I feel about it all yet, but I'm trying to process it in my own time. I'm not rushing this. Rushing means things are more likely to go wrong along the way, and I don't want that. I don't want anything to get in between us as the months pass and my bump grows. Yeah, I'm still trying to take the idea of that on board.

The one thing I'm worried about in all of this is Eliza. I'm worried that she is going to beat herself up about her past when it really isn't necessary. So long as I trust her and so long as she reassures me that she wants this, it never needs to be discussed again. Once this evening ends, I want us to be on good terms. If down the line something crops up, we will deal with it then. But for now, I need us to just get back to our good place. I may be a little too hopeful, but we can do this. We can be good again. We have to be, right? My cell buzzing on the counter, I glance down and find Eliza's name on the screen.

I'm on your street. Is it still okay to come by? E x

I didn't want you to leave before. Az x

So, that's a yes then? E x

Climbing down from my seat, I move towards the window and catch sight of the brunette I've craved for two years. She is smiling at her cell and it settles me more than any of her words have since she returned home. Hitting the screen, I decide to put her out of her misery.

It's a yes. I missed you the moment you left…

Her smile widening as she receives my message, she rushes across the street and I'm at the door before she has time to even knock. "Finally…" I roll my eyes. I know things aren't good between us right now, but I feel like I've fallen right back into the playfulness we've always shared. It just happens naturally. "I thought you were just going to stand across the street all evening…"

"Just wanted to be sure you hadn't had a change of heart." She gives me a sad smile.

"That's not going to happen." I step aside and she enters my home. Our home. I know it may be too soon, but the second I feel like she will take me up on my offer, I want her back here with me. I don't want to live separate lives any longer than we have to. "You didn't bring any of your things with you?"

"Oh, no." She shakes her head as she moves into the kitchen. "Just…didn't know if it was appropriate."

"Not even a change of clothes?" I wrinkle my nose.

"Sorry." She sighs. "I'm a mess with all of this, Arizona. I don't know what is and isn't acceptable right now."

"Right, yeah." I agree. "Sorry, I'm just trying for things to be as normal as possible for us, is all."

"Then I will do the same." She smiles as she approaches me. "How are you feeling? Can I do anything for you?"

"You could make yourself comfortable…" I suggest as I grab some stuff from the dining table. Papers. Things she should probably know.

"Okay." She nods. "Just…are you sure there isn't anything I can do?"

"Eliza, I'm fine." Taking a seat beside her, she places her hand over my own and squeezes it tight. "I just want you to know how this all happened."

"Thank you." She smiles. "For being honest and trying to include me in all of this."

"I just think that you should know…" I clear my throat. "I didn't do any of this without thinking about you first."

"I don't understand…"

"Well, when I was looking for a donor, I wanted to include you in the search. I mean, I chose someone that didn't look like me. Someone who doesn't have blonde hair and blue eyes."

"You did?" A small smile curls on her mouth. "Why?"

"I guess deep down I always hoped you would come back." My eyes finding hers, she wipes away a tear that has gathered at her jawline and I take a sonogram from the folder in my lap. "I always wanted this to be my future with you, but I couldn't wait any longer, Eliza. I couldn't wait for you to come back before I began this journey. I may have hoped you would return, but I didn't always feel that way. I didn't always imagine you coming home to me…"

"What's that?" She furrows her brow. "Is it…" Closing her eyes as I hand over the image in my hand, she shakes her head and releases a deep breath. "I can't believe this is happening…"

"Me neither." I shift a little closer to her. "That's our baby, Eliza."

"Wow." My body totally relaxing next to her, she runs her fingers over the sonogram and her smile grows a little wider. "You picked someone who may look like me?"

"I did." I give her a nod in agreement. "It was important that you felt included."

"Why are you giving me this opportunity, Arizona?"

"Because I love you," I answer honestly. "I know you left, but you have explained. You have told me why and I'm beginning to understand that it wasn't as simple as just staying and hoping for the best."

"I appreciate that." She breathes out. "It was never about not loving you or not wanting to be with you."

"I know." I lace our fingers together. "So, eight weeks in, and this is the result."

"Eight weeks?"

"Well, almost." I roll my eyes. "I had my appointment three days after I knew you had come back," I admit. "I just…I couldn't tell you about it. You were engaged and I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't be the one who ended all of that. I mean, I wasn't even sure you were back for me."

"I knew in my heart that you were who I wanted." She wraps her arm around my shoulder and presses a kiss to my head. "But I also knew that I couldn't walk back into your life."

"You're here now…" I smile. "Just…talk to me. Be honest with me if you are struggling. All I ever wanted was that. All I ever wanted was for you to pick up the phone and call me."

"I couldn't." Her voice breaks. "I knew if I called you, I'd come back here and we wouldn't have survived. The second I heard your voice I'd have packed up and come back."

"I wish you had of."

"And I'm beginning to wish I had, too." She admits. "Everything happens for a reason, though." You know, she's right. Everything does happen for a reason. It does make me feel like I did this at the right time. I mean, she shows back up in Seattle three days before my appointment? I didn't just walk into the clinic at random and do this. It took a lot of planning. A lot of thinking. Around eight months worth if I'm not mistaken. Something inside of me tells me that I was supposed to do this when I did, and Eliza was supposed to reappear in my life when she did. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but as the months past…the years, even, I lost my way with my beliefs. I lost my way with everything.

"All I've thought about since you came back was how she had you and I didn't. How she loved you and made you feel good…"

"It wasn't like that, Arizona. It wasn't that you couldn't give me what I needed."

"I hate knowing that she's had her hands on you." My voice breaks. "Just…I always thought you would be mine and nobody else would ever compare."

"Nobody else does compare." She turns her body a little to face me better. "And I am still yours."

"No, I mean intimately." I drop my gaze. "It meant so much to you and it meant a lot to me…I just wish I was the only one who'd ever made you feel that way."

"You are."

"I mean, I guess it doesn't matter if you are happy…" I give her a small smile. "It just meant something to me that night you gave yourself to me. It meant the world that you trusted me how you did." I can remember that night like it was yesterday. How she begged me to touch her. How she told me that she trusted me to take something so special from her. Yeah, I struggle knowing that I'll never be her only one. The engagement isn't even concerning me right now. It's the intimacy. The intimacy I missed out on…but Sam gained.

"Arizona…" She stops my rambling and runs her thumb across my bottom lip. "I am still yours."

"W-Wha-" Cut off when she presses her lips against my own, is she saying what I think she is? Is she telling me she has only ever slept with me? No, no way.

"The first woman I slept with was you…" She rests her forehead against my own. "And the last woman I slept with…was you."

"H-How?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. She didn't sleep with Sam? Oh god…

"It doesn't matter right now." Her eyes bore into my soul. "It just matters that yours is still the only touch burned into my mind. Onto my skin." My breath catching when her words reach my ears, I find the papers in my lap falling to the floor and my legs now straddling her own. "Arizona." She breathes out, her breath mingling with my own. "We shouldn't."

"We aren't." I smile against her mouth. But god, I wish we were. "Just...I wanted to feel how I used to feel. I just wanted to be us for a moment."

"God, I want that so much." Her hands rest on my thighs and my eyes close. "I've missed you, Arizona." Her voice low, it takes me back to what feels like a lifetime ago.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" I ask, my lips ghosting over her own. "Are you sure you're ready to do this with me?"

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life…" Studying her face, I see nothing but complete love and honesty in her eyes. Just how it always was. Just how it always should have been. I may have lost two years with her, but I'm about to gain so much more. I'm about to gain a family. A true life. Absolute joy.

"Then I need you to do something for me…" I whisper, my heart pounding in my chest. I don't know why I suddenly feel so nervous, but I guess I'm still wary of being rejected. Will she wake up in a few days and realize that this is a mistake? That she cant do it? God, I hope that doesn't happen, but I have to live for now, and right now…Eliza is in my home and making me feel something for the first time since she left.

"Anything, Arizona." She breathes out, her eyes never losing mine. "Absolutely anything."

"I need you to stay the night." With nothing but a nod in agreement from Eliza, she pulls me in by the back of the neck and slips her tongue into my mouth. Just like that…my world feels like it is piecing itself back together. Just like that…I'm reminded of that connection I believed was lost forever. Just like that…we are one.

Her touch means everything to me right now…


Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.