Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own Total Drama Island. If I did, you'd know. Because, quite frankly, Sadie and Noah would've made it much farther if I did, and Noah and Cody would've had some *ahem* risqué moments.

I also do not own the characters Alberto, Alexandra 'Alex', Alice, Ashlynn, Ben, Chris 'Christian', Destiny, Even, Grace, Jack, Jordan, Josh, Keala, Lexie, Peiton, Phoebe, Rain, Raphael, Russell, Ariane, Jasmine, Jaro, Jessica, Kimmy, Osairia, Reggie, Wolf, or Kia.


Chris smiled into the camera. "Hello," he said. "And welcome back to Total Drama Island!

"Last week you saw all twenty-four of our "lucky" Campers arrive here at Camp Wawanakwa: A crappy summer camp located in Muskoka, Ontario! You also got a chance to meet our ten Camp Counselors, and my new fiancee, Kia!"

Kia slid toward Chris and pressed herself up against him. "That would be me," she said, flashing a sickly sweet smile at the camera.

"Yep," Chris confirmed. "This is my girl! Anyway, after our Campers were split up into the Screaming Gophers and Killer Bass teams, you got a small preview of the drama sure to ensue during their stay here. And believe you me, if you thought that was entertaining, you're in for an eyeful here on Total… Drama… Island!"


Catchy theme song plays… And…

"Good morning, Campers!" Chris yelled into his trademark megaphone, causing the peaceful serenity of the early morning to derail and crash. The Campers cursed him under their breath as they woke one by one from their heavy slumber, not at all looking forward to whatever Chris and that 'airhead', as Phoebe liked to call her, Kia had planned for them.

Chris merely cackled, their groans and profanities heavenly music to his ears. "Aw, come on," he teased. "That's not in the Wawanakwa spirit! Get your lazy butts outta bed, and come enjoy the fresh air, warm sun, and inedible food that Chef Hatchet has prepared for you guys!"

"I though you were gonna let Jessica help Chef with the cooking?" Even asked as he came out of the Screaming Gophers cabin, wearing nothing but a pair of black and green striped pajama bottoms. He stretched his back out of the uncomfortable position that his lumpy bed had molded into during the night, flexing his defined abdominal muscles, which in turn made Ashlynn blush as she passed him by.

Chris laughed again. "You think that Chef Hatchet would let anybody other than Norma or I into that kitchen of his? He'd sooner admit to thinking Duncan was a respectful, clean-cut guy."

"Why would he let Norma in?" Ashlynn asked. She couldn't find any good reason why the burly, fearful man that they knew as Chef Hatchet would let small, loving Norma into his own little hell. Unless, of course, she was helping him concoct something far worse than even he could come up with.

"He's kinda got a little crush on her," Chris answered, expertly dodging a cleaver aimed at his head. "The big guy's got a soft spot for little old ladies. I mean, she's younger than he is, but still…"

"That seems like an even more dysfunctional couple than Courtney and Duncan," Rain said, as she too dodged a razor-sharp cleaver. "You wanna do something about me saying that, Chef Hatchet!?" She hollered. "Then bring it!"

Chef Hatchet threw her a disgusted glance before disappearing back into the mess hall, Norma following in behind him. The Campers, and Chris, couldn't help but laugh.

"Anyway," Chris said, cutting their laughter short. "Back to what I was saying. Get your lazy butts out of bed, and head on over to the mess hall. Once you've all had breakfast, I'll explain today's challenge. Ten minutes to get ready!"

"What do you think they're gonna make us do?" Even asked, watching as Chris walked away laughing.

"Who knows?" Jamie said as he came out of the cabin to stand beside Even. "Probably something incredibly degrading, emotionally harmful, disgusting, or a mixture of the three."

"Dude, Jamie," Jack whispered. "Are you always so negative?"

Jamie opened his mouth to throw back a snappy remark, but stopped short when he saw Jack. He wore only a pair of silk, black boxers that seemed way too tight. A pair of silver nipple rings gleamed radiantly, casting small rainbows onto Jamie and Ashlynns' faces. But what really made Jamie's train of sarcasm come to such a sudden halt was the tight, well defined outline of Jack's chest, which seemed to glow in the early morning sun.

"Um…" Jamie stuttered, suddenly not sure what to say. "I'm um… negative.."

Ashlynn and Even laughed loudly, and Jack blushed while Rain just rolled her eyes.

"Dude," Rain snapped. "Stop drooling over him. It's a bit creepy, seeing as you admitted to hating him yesterday."

Jamie snapped back into reality, and glared daggers at Rain. "I was not drooling over him. I simply forgot what I had planned to say."

"While you were stripping him with your eyes?" She asked.

"Oh go stick your head in a batch of Chef's cooking." Jamie, too, had to dodge a cleaver thrown his way.

"Where does that dude keep getting those cleavers?" Ashlynn asked, combing her fingers through her tangled brass locks. Even, seeing how hard a time she was having, went back into his cabin and brought out a small silver brush.

"Here you are," he said.

Ashlynn took the brush into her small hands and smiled at him. "Thank you."

Even nodded. "Sure thing. But anyway, shouldn't we be getting ready for breakfast?"

"Dude," Jack said as he nudged Even playfully in the ribs. "Do you have a death wish? The more we avoid Chef Hatchet's cooking, the safer we'll be."

Even laughed at Jack's little comment. "Guess you're right. But couldn't we all use something to eat if we plan on winning this thing?"

"I guess so," Jack admitted. He cringed at the thought of willingly consuming some of Chef Hatchet's food. "But maybe we could find Jessica instead?"

"I don't know dude. Jessica would need a functioning kitchen in order to cook something worth eating, and Chef Hatchet's the only one who's got that."

Rain sighed. "You guys haven't ever been to a summer camp before, have you?" She asked the four teens in front of her.

"I went once when I was younger," Jamie said, voice monotone. "It sucked."

"How about the rest of you?" She continued. "Even? Surely you've been?"

Even shook his head, 'no'. "Sorry, bra. Can't say that I have."

Rain shook her head and headed back into her cabin. She came back out a minute or so later, a small cardboard box tucked under her arm.

"What's in the box?" Ashlynn asked.

"Energy bars," Rain answered as she sliced open the package with her razor sharp nails. She pulled from within it five brightly wrapped bars and tossed one to each of them.

"You mean you brought food with you?"

Rain frowned. "Just these, and unless you want to succumb to food poisoning, I suggest you find a way to make the most of those."

"You mean you want us to live off of one energy bar for a day?" Jack asked as he stared at the skimpy bar of nuts, fruit, and grain in front of him.

"Yes," Rain answered.

Jack's gave a heavy sigh. "Are you serious?"

"Does it look like I'm joking?" She pointed to the serious look on her pasty face. There wasn't a single sign of foolishness to it.

"No," he sighed.

"Exactly. It isn't as hard as it seems. It's all about portion sizes."

"Is it even possible to divide this into portions?" Jamie asked.

"Find a way," Rain said. "And if anyone else besides you four find out about these bars, I will personally interrogate each of you until I find who spilled the beans."

"A-and what will you do then?" Ashlynn asked, hiding behind Even and Jamie.

"Do you really want to know?"

"N-n-no."

Rain smiled. "Exactly. So eat up, and pray to God that Chef Hatchet doesn't say anything when you don't eat his food."


The twenty-two Campers stood impatiently in line as they waited for their individual bowl of slop. They trembled (except for Rain, Jamie, and Phoebe) under Chef Hatchet's terrifying gaze, and tried to hide behind their rusted trays.

"Listen up, Soldiers!" He shouted, slamming his greased ladle onto the counter. "The story is the same as last year! You'll come in hear ev'ry morning, get the food, 'n get gone! Do you understand me!?"

"That's a great idea," Jamie said. "Except for there isn't anything you serve that could be classified as food."

"What was that, Soldier!?" Chef Hatchet yelled. "I'm sure I didn't hear you correctly."

"Oh, I think you did. But just in case I'm wrong, and you weren't able to understand those simple third grade terms, let me rephrase: 'You no serve food. You serve death.'"

Chef Hatchet panted heavily and ushered Jamie closer to him. "Come closer, boy."

"I'm perfectly happy standing here, thank you very much."

"I said now, Soldier!"

"And I said, I'm perfectly happy standing where I am."

Chef Hatchet jumped right over the counter and stalked over toward Jamie stood. He picked him up by the hood of his blue and black jacket and held him at eye level.

"You do not want to test me boy. I have ways of making your stay here at this fine establishment miserable."

"So, basically you're just going to continue serving us this slop?" Phoebe asked as she stirred the pot, of what she assumed was oatmeal, resting on the stove.


Confessional Stall

-Chef Hatchet twisted his hat angrily in his hands, the vein in his neck jutting out as he took heavy breaths. "Those two, are at the top of my list right now. Them, and those three Noah, Duncan, and Heather from Season 1."


Chef threw Jamie to the ground and turned toward Phoebe. He took a sharp knife from his apron pocket and held it dangerously close to her throat.

"You watch it little Missy," he hissed.

Phoebe smirked and pointed behind Chef Hatchet. "I'm sure my lawyer, who I strictly told to watch ever episode this season, will absolutely love watching that."

Chef turned to stare into the camera's eye and smiled sheepishly. "Hello there," he wheezed. "Um… there's no need to take legal action, is there?"

Phoebe's cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and checked the Caller I.D., her face splitting into a wide smile.

"Wow," she said. "I guess he really listened to me."

She flipped open the phone. "Hey, Jim," she greeted. She paused as she listened to him speak. "Yeah. Uh-huh. He's right here."

She looked up at Chef Hatchet. "He wants to talk to you."

Chef Hatchet sighed as he took the phone into his abnormally large hand. With a quick mutter of "I don't get paid enough for this", he headed back into the sanctuary of his kitchen.

"Okay, Campers," Chris said as he suddenly appeared beside the cameraman. "Since Chef's a little busy talking to Phoebe's lawyer, I guess there won't be any breakfast today."

The Campers cheered.

"So, I guess we can just skip to the challenge, right?"

"Sounds good," Shaya agreed.

"Thank you, Shaya," Chris thanked. "Now, just grab a seat at either one of the tables. You don't have to sit with your teams today."

The twenty-two teens walked to either table, and sat down on the wooden stumps. They grimaced at the uncomfortable hardness of the seats, but did their best to push the thought aside as they listened to Chris.

"Okay," Chris began. "So if you'll all think back to those charming little congratulatory letters you received telling you that you'd been accepted as a participant, you will recall being asked to bring your most treasured possessions with you."

"Speaking of which," Raphael cut in with a surprising verbal way of communication. "Where is my clipboard?"

"Your most valued possession is you clipboard?" Jack asked him.

Raphael, not feeling comfortable in speaking again, only nodded.

"I was just getting to that, Raphael," Chris said. "Anyway, you all brought them, but did any of you bother to think just why you were asked to?"

"No," Alice said. "Not really."

Chris laughed. "Well, you see… Those treasured possessions of your play an important part in today's challenge."

"And just what might that be?" Lexie asked.

"A treasure hunt to locate your personal item," Chris answered.

The Campers looked at Chris wide-eyed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Phoebe asked as she grit her teeth together.

"You see," Chris said started again. "While you guys were in here, the Counselors and I snuck into your cabins and took your little treasures…"

"You did what!?" Phoebe and Raphael shouted.

"You touched my mother's surfboard!?" Phoebe yelled.

"And my clipboard?" Raphael shouted.

"Yes and yes," Chris said. "We took them and have concealed them away somewhere."

"How on earth did you manage to find and hide all twenty-two of our items in only ten minutes?" Jamie asked.

"With the leftover money to promote this season, we were able to buy some new equipment. We got new cameras, paid off the medical charges the surviving interns gave us from last season, and bought a sick new jeep that reaches wicked speeds!"

"You couldn't have done something more productive?" Shaya asked. "Like fund a charity or promote research?"

"Charities and research facilities?" Chris asked. "Why don't you just ask me to saw my own leg off?

"Anyway, yes. We hid those possessions, and your goal is to complete the necessary nine missions in order to find them. Don't worry; we're going to give you clues as to what you need to do."

"How dare you touch my mother's surfboard!?" Phoebe asked as she lunged out at Chris, only to be stopped by Alberto and Even. "Let me at him! I'll kill him!"

Chris just laughed at the raging girl before him. "I really don't think that I could have asked for a better job than this. But, moving along, I want you to come up here when I call your name. I will then hand you an envelope and backpack full of identical supplies that you can use to help get your treasure.

"Alberto… Even… Ashlynn… Shaya… 'Christian'… Ben… Peiton… Jamie… Jack… Raphael… Alice… Jordan… Rain… Phoebe…"

"You're dead!"

"…Grace… Russell… Lexie… Josh… Mitch… Alex… Derek… Destiny… Hillary… and Keala."

The teens gathered the given supplies.

"Now," Chris said. "You have an hour to find your possessions. The team with the most possessions found wins. Also, whatever items aren't found, won't be returned until the end of your stay here at Camp Wawanakwa."

"You'd better pray that I find my mother's surfboard, Chris!" Phoebe yelled. "Or I will personally wring your neck!"

"And that's why I have Chef Hatchet," he smirked.


The Killer Bass

"So should we open our envelopes or what?" Alex asked, not really wanting to make a move without the consent of her teammates.

"Probably the best choice," 'Christian' answered, tearing open his yellow envelope. The rest of the Killer Bass followed suit, and each of them pulled out a small piece of folded green paper.

"What is this?" Derek asked as he unfolded the small square.

Destiny read her paper out loud. "The first task you must complete in order to find your treasure: Find me. You can tell secrets to me, and in turn, tell others at the same time."

Keala scratched her head. "A riddle?" She asked.

"Obviously," Rain said.

"The confessional?" 'Christian' guessed, and all the Bass looked at him. "Well you can tell the confessional cam your secret feelings, and at the same time, you're telling the audience back home. Seemed to make sense to me?"

"I think he may be right," Alex agreed, thumping him harshly on the back and knocking him to the ground. "Sorry, 'Christian'."

Chris brushed the dirt off the front of his shirt as he stood up. "It's fine," he sighed.

"So, I guess we go to the Confessional?" Keala asked, tucking her envelope inside of her red leather jacket.

"Of course!" Hillary snapped, flipping her hair in Keala's unsuspecting face. "Now follow me!"


Confessional Stall

-Rain crossed her arms and stared harshly at the camera. "Okay," she said. "While my sole purpose is to make sure Chris goes down, I can make sure the same happens for Hillary, right?"


"Okay," Hillary said as she tapped lightly on the Confessional Stall's door. "We're here at the Confessional. Now what do we do?"

"Aren't we supposed to follow you? Not the other way around?" 'Christian' asked.

Hillary sneered at him. "Shut it, weird Goth girl."

'Christian' arched an eyebrow. "First off," he said. "I'm male. Therefore, I can't be a weird Goth girl. Secondly, I'm not Goth in the slightest, nor do I ever plan to be. Third, you're not Heather."

"Whatever," Hillary scoffed. "Guessing games aren't my thing."

"Well unless you wanna lose us this challenge and get your butt voted off this island first, you'd best help us figure this out," Lexie said.

"Oh, puh-lease," Hillary said. "Do you really think that you'll be able to win any of these challenges without me? I can play those stupid Gophers like violins."

"Oh really?" Lexie asked.

"Really."


Confessional Stall

-"That Hillary creases me," Lexie said to the camera. "If she thinks she can come here and act better than everyone else, and get away with it, that little spoiled daddy's girl's got another thing comin'."

-"Lexie doesn't scare me," Hillary laughed as she swiped a brush coated in dark blue paint over the fingernail of her smallest finger. "In fact, I don't think that she'll be around long. My guess is that she's one of the first ten Campers eliminated."

-'Christian stared deep into the camera's eye and shook his head. "Any of you viewers noticing how stereotypical everyone here is? Hillary's the new Heather, Lexie's the new Leshawna. Jamie's the new Noah/Courtney combo; Ashlynn and Even are the new Bridgette and Geoff. Peiton's the new Izzy and Destiny's the new Duncan except for in girl form. There's obviously more examples if you've been playing close attention."


"Don't you guys think we should open the door?" Ben asked from behind the argumentative pair.

"Oh, zip it, you little nerdling," Hillary said.

Ben frowned. " 'Nerdling?'" he asked, using air quotes for emphasis.

"Yes, nerdling."

Lexie rolled her chocolate brown eyes. "Girl, just open the damn door before I go Tom Cruise on you."

Hillary pushed open the door to the Confessional stall and peered in. The Killer Bass nearly vomited at the horrid scent that hit them square in the nose. It smelled as though a collection of road kill had been stored inside, and concealed a heavy coat of Chef Hatchet's inedible food.

"Ugh!" 'Christian' groaned. "What is that God awful stench?"

"Well it definitely ain't roses," Derek said through a plugged nose.

A miniature television screen descended from the Confessional's roof, static crackling merrily as the pixels on screen slowly started to fade in.

"Hello, Destiny," a recording of Chris smiled.

Destiny frowned in confusion. "Um…"

"Welcome to the first of your nine challenges. By now I'm sure you realize that you are competing to find your beloved teddy bear."

Destiny went wide-eyed and blushed. "What did he just say?"

"Yeah," said the recording. "We took the little guy, and now ya gotta get him back. On a side note, dudette, if your teammates are still here listening to this, they may wanna run off to find their own objects instead. After all, your task is only a one-person job."

Destiny looked at her teammates. "Um," she said. "Y-you guys heard him. Go find your stuff, I'll get my.. teddy back on my own."

"Your treasured item is that stupid teddy bear?" Hillary scoffed.

Destiny blushed. "It's not funny. It has sentimental value!"

"Oh, I'm sure it does," Hillary laughed. "Boogers from the diaper days, traces of spit from when you were teething… who knows? Maybe there's even lipstick markings from when you took him to homecoming!"

"Hillary!" Lexie shouted. "You had best step off of Destiny and go find your own item."

Hillary sniffed and stabbed a sharp, neon pink nail into Lexie's shoulder. "Listen to me, Lexie," she whispered. "I just want to get this out of the way, now. You do not scare me. If you think that any of you can intimidate me, you've got another thing coming. I came to win this show, and the 1,000,000 dollars!"

"And you think that we won't be smart enough to vote you off first?" Derek asked. "We're not like the contestants from last season. We won't keep you on like they kept Heather."

"Ah, but Heather was sloppy. She took too many risks. She went out of her way to cause trouble even when she didn't have an opportunity for invincibility. True, she may have made it to the final three anyway, but she left a tattered trail in her wake.

"She thought that she could win this competition with only dirty tricks, and not have to cover her secrets. She left her fate entirely with the chance of invincibility, and the stupidity of her teammates. I'll make sure to win any chances of invincibility thrown my way, whether we win or lose a challenge.

"In a nutshell: you had all better choose the next best choice for elimination, because I won't be going home."

The Killer Bass stood red-faced and fuming; eyes narrowed and pulse racing.


Confessional Stall

-Lexie shook in fury as she stared head-on into the camera. "I don't care what that no good, pampered…"

-"…spoiled," Rain said.

-"…bitchy," Derek cut in.

-"…bratty," said Alex.

-"…pampered," Destiny said.

-"…back stabbing," 'Christian' said.

-"…Daddy's girl says," Ben finished.

-Lexie glared into the camera. "The first challenge we lose, Hillary's butt is off this island!"

-Hillary smiled. "They think I'll be leaving? Oh how wrong they are. Like I said before, I came to win."


The Screaming Gophers

"So what does yours say?" Jack asked Jamie as he pried the brown envelope open.

Jamie glared at the emo-dressed Gopher boy. "Why do you insist on talking to me?" he asked. "You know I'll only respond with a snappy remark."

Jack began to form a response, only to be cut off by Even. "You know what, Jamie?" Even asked. "I don't understand why you're being such an ass to Jack. In the one day you've known him he hasn't done anything to you, and you still treat him like shit!"

"Excuse me, Even," Jamie said, his voice calm and quiet. "I don't know what gives you the idea that I have to like Jack."

Jack looked sullenly at the ground.

"But you have no reason not to like him," Even countered.

Jamie rolled his chocolate eyes toward the sky. "I'm sure that there's been at least one person in your life that you've disliked before without really knowing them. I just don't like Jack. And while I realize that the reference I'm about to make isn't the best, it's like how Courtney was with Duncan from Season 1.

"Jack is just the total opposite of me, and I don't like that."

"Haven't you heard that saying that opposites attract?" Even asked.

"That may apply in the world of science, but I have yet to find any proof that it applies to one's love life. And I'm sure that you're not trying to insinuate that I harbor romantic feelings for Jack, are you?"

Even smirked. "Of course not, Jamie." He leaned in close to Jamie and whispered. "But it's rather obvious that you do."


Confessional Stall

-"Ugh!" Jamie growled. "I can't stand those two! And no, I don't like Jack!"


"Moving back to the challenge," Jamie said.

"Nice subject change," Even teased.

"My clue says: 'Blond, tan, and beautiful. Find me for your first task.'"

"A person, obviously," Phoebe said over Jamie's shoulder.

"Thank you ever so much for pointing out such an obvious fact."


Confessional Stall

-"Okay," Phoebe said. "I can't even believe I'm saying this, but I have to agree with Even that Jamie's an ass. I'm not even that bad."


"Watch it short stuff," Phoebe hissed, wrapping an arm around Jamie's front and lifting him off the ground. "You're the smallest person on this team, which means I can easily cause you some bodily harm if you get on my bad side."

"Oh, please," Jamie said. "I'm sure whatever it is you have in mind for 'bodily harm' isn't all that menacing. Perhaps you plan on giving me a cut lip or some scratches with those 99-cent nails of yours? Either way, honey, the though ain't all that frightening."

Phoebe's grip on Jamie tightened and she stalked off toward the Dock of Shame with him tucked away under her arm.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm teaching you not to get on my bad side," Phoebe replied as she threw Jamie over the edge of the dock and into the lake.


Reviews? I know this chapter sucked, but I don't know. Sonowa, lmc3200, and HowlingWulf, I may be messaging you later on.