7
It was after dark in Toon Town, yet Betty, determined not to lose Slappy, was still searching for clues, hours later.
"It's late," said Launchpad, "We ought to rest up for tomorrow."
"And give Slappy all night to escape to who knows where in the Toon universe?" Betty replied irritably as she walked down the street from the Wild Take Lounge.
The trail had dried up, though she thought she'd found some tufts of squirrel fur a few meters back on the sidewalk.
"We've already lost her," said Launchpad, "But she's got to be staying with someone. And one of those squirrels at the meeting might know something."
She sighed, "You're probably right. Suppose we should just check into a hotel for the night and go to that meeting tomorrow."
"Been a while since I was in a hotel. I wonder if they still puts little mints on your pillow."
"Come on," she said, walking back toward downtown.
Downtown there was a large building called "Granny's Joint", topped off with a bright neon sign that read "Come up and see me sometime". Seemed as good a place as any. Betty walked in to the front desk.
"Just a cheap room for two for the night please," she said.
The worker, a female pig who looked to have been perhaps one of Porky Pig's old flames, nodded and fetched a key.
"Huh, a human and a duck…I'm not one to judge."
"Don't get the wrong idea," Betty said irritably as she took the key, handing over the proper amount of cartoon cash. This had all gone over Launchpad's head, of course.
They headed up the stairs to their room. Launchpad thought perhaps he would make some small talk as they walked into the undersized room.
"So uh, did you enjoy seeing Jessica Rabbit again?" he asked.
"No I did not," she replied, "Were you conscious at all for that conversation? I'm betraying her by going forward with this case. And yet…what can I do?"
"I'm sure she'll forgive you. I mean like you said, what's so bad about being turned CG anyways? Heck, it might even happen to me one day."
"Think so?" Betty asked.
"They're rebooting Duck Tales soon ya know. Though I haven't gotten any invitations to the studio yet."
"Really...huh, news to me." Betty said as she reached the door, "They're not going to ruin it are they?"
"It's supposed to still be 2D, of course, not ink and paint though."
"At least you'll be impervious to Dip," she said, taking her coat off and hanging it up in the closet.
"If I'm in it," said Launchpad, "Donald Duck's gonna be in it a lot more, so I don't know if they'll need me bumbling around and crashing things."
Betty sat on one of the beds, "Anyone who watched the original show will want you to come back. You were my favorite on it."
"Was I?" Launchpad asked, smiling.
"Yep. All the kids like the funny one."
Launchpad sighed, sitting on his bed, "I guess that's nice. Look, I'm sorry I screwed things up tonight, bagging the wrong squirrel."
Betty shrugged, "An honest mistake. There aren't too many different gray cartoon squirrels I can think of. And Rocky always sounded like a woman too."
"It's probably going to happen a lot working with me," said Launchpad, "Me screwing up I mean."
"I'll manage…" Betty could tell Launchpad was feeling a bit down, "Look, you can't help who you are. You're clumsy, but you keep smiling. It worked for Goofy. Even if Donald's going to be a big part on that new Duck Tales show he can't replace you, his humor is too different."
"Aw shucks, thanks Betty. Even though I'm always smiling, doesn't mean I always am on the inside though."
"Toons have the same emotions as anybody," said Betty, laying back.
"Yeah," Launchpad said, "But being a Toon's got to be easier than being a real human."
"Being a human in the real world stinks," she said, "There's not always a happy ending, and sometimes the bad guys do win."
"Yeah, the rules of physics are against it here," he said.
Betty thought back to when she was chasing Slappy. She slammed into that painting, while Slappy walked through. That made Betty the villain. Was this whole chase pointless then? As long as Toon Town considered her the bad guy, she would never win.
"What exactly happened to you anyway?" Launchpad asked, "What got you kicked out of the academy?"
Betty's spirit darkened as she thought of it again.
"It was the shotgun test," she said, "I failed it. Well…no, not exactly…I didn't even show up for it."
"Why not?" Launchpad asked.
"Oh it wasn't just that. It was just so much pressure. Everyone was big and strong, everyone seemed to be perfect at everything, and I was just a big screw-up. The instructors were always yelling at me. This…this one time I was rushing to get there on time and I couldn't find my hat anywhere. I ended up having to go there without it…and I got chewed out in front of the class."
"Reminds me of flight school," Launchpad remarked.
"The pressure just kept building and building, I felt like nobody believed in me. Then came the shotgun test. We'd been practicing for it but they were just so heavy, I couldn't keep holding it up. And the first time I shot one, the kick sent me falling on my butt because I didn't position myself right. Everyone was laughing at me. So on the morning of the test, instead of driving to the shooting range I just…I couldn't do it. Instead I turned onto the highway, drove out to the Santa Monica mountains, parked the car and cried. My phone was ringing off the hook but I didn't answer. Probably my instructor, or the other students. I don't know. I knew right then I'd never be a cop. So…I never went back to the police academy. I dropped out."
Betty wiped her eyes and sighed.
"You just gave up?" Launchpad asked.
Betty nodded, "And before you start breaking out into some kind of 'never give up on your dreams' song and dance pep-talk number, just don't. Like I said before, the real world isn't like Toon Town. Some people are cut out for law enforcement…and some people aren't."
Being a Toon, and a Disney one, Launchpad instinctively wanted to do something like that, but he refrained.
"Well…maybe being a private eye won't turn out to be so bad," he said, trying to at least encourage her somewhat.
"It will if I don't capture Slappy," Betty said turning over on the bed, "Anyway, enough chit chat. I'm going to sleep."
"Alright then," Launchpad said with a shrug. He still didn't really get humans. But hearing her tragic story, and knowing that she favored him as a kid, made him all the more determined to help her capture that squirrel. Even if it wasn't the nicest thing to do, he felt he needed to help Betty.
In the morning, Betty and Launchpad returned to the Toon patrol headquarters, to debrief them on their progress, or lack thereof. The robotic cop at the desk immediately summoned Bonkers upon their entrance.
"So was she at the club last night?" Bonkers asked, evidently not having heard what had happened.
"She was, but she got away. I kept tracking her until it got dark. And neither Jessica Rabbit nor Red were of much help. If they know where she is they're not telling."
"Well your boss called in this morning with a solution to that," said Bonkers, "See in cases like this where no one seems willing to help find a fugitive, it's normal to put up an award."
He handed Betty a stack of papers that read "Wanted: Slappy and Skippy Squirrel. $10,000 Reward".
"She's worth that much is she?" Betty said, "They must really believe in their CG baby reboot."
"Now all but her very best friends will be much more cooperative," said Bonkers.
"That's useful. Launchpad and I were going to go to a squirrel meeting today to see if we could find any clues there, apparently Slappy is a longtime member."
"Good, take those wanted posters with you to the squirrel meeting. Surely someone there will have it out for her."
Betty grinned and nodded, "Okay Launchpad, let's get going."
They turned and left, Bonkers watching as they went, "Soon Slappy. Soon. Heh heh heh…"
Betty stepped out of the taxi with Launchpad in front of the Toontown Squirrel Society building in downtown, which was built into an enormous tree with doors and windows carved into it.
"You think they'll allow us in?" Launchpad asked.
"I do have a search warrant," said Betty as they approached the entrance.
The inside was a bit cramped for them, since the average cartoon squirrel was at most as high as Betty's kneecap. After walking down a hallway with their heads knelt down they came to a double door, behind which there was a conference room. The meeting was to begin soon, and already there were an assortment of Toon squirrels seated in front of a podium, some 2D and some CG.
"Oh, detective Betty Valiant," came the familiar voice of Rocky from the podium, "I'm guessing you have an announcement with regards to Slappy."
"Indeed I do," she said.
"Please be seated, we'll let you say your peace at the beginning of the meeting so you don't have to sit through the whole thing, I know you're probably busy."
Betty nodded, as she and Launchpad took a seat in the front row, between a red-furred CG squirrel who was eating from what looked to be a bag of cheese puffs, and a female squirrel in a purple skirt and bikini top, who Betty recognized from Spongebob Squarepants; a show she hadn't watched much of and found kind of annoying, but knew at least something about. As they waited, more squirrels filtered in, until there were about twenty of them. Betty felt like the elephant in the room.
"Alright squirrels, I'm glad you could all be here today. As always, we start our meeting off with a ceremonial acorn as I take attendance."
Betty watched as the first squirrel walked up toward the stage and took an acorn from the basket, a red-haired squirrel named Tammy. Betty took note of all their names as Rocky announced them while checking off the attendance sheet, hoping to retain at least a few. It went down the list until it got to Betty.
"Why don't you and Launchpad go ahead and take one too," said Rocky.
Not wanting to offend, the duo got up and walked to the front, taking an acorn before being seated again.
"Um…how am I supposed to eat this without any teeth?" Launchpad asked as he bit down on it with his beak, letting out a cry of pain when a loud crunch was heard.
"Just put it in your pocket or something," Betty whispered as she tried to bite down on it with her molars, but it was too hard. The rest of the squirrels were chittering away on their acorns.
"We have some special guests with us today as you've no doubt noticed," said Rocky, "Betty Valiant and Launchpad McQuack, come on up to the podium."
The room stayed silent, but many of the squirrels' ears twitched at the name 'Valiant'. They made their way back to the stage, and Rocky stepped aside. The podium only went up to Betty's hips.
"Greetings everyone. I know it's a little weird having a human from the real world at your meeting, but I'll be out of your fur as soon as I make this announcement and maybe get a little information."
"We know why you're here," said a red-furred squirrel in a blue vest, "You want us to betray one of our own!"
"Quiet down Waggs," said Rocky, "Let her finish."
"Okay then," said Betty, feeling uncomfortable, "I guess some of you already know that Slappy Squirrel is wanted by the Toon Patrol. Since she's proving illusive, a bounty has been put on her and her nephew Skippy."
Betty took one of the wanted sheets and attached it to the chalkboard behind her with a clip.
"What'd she do, kill someone?" asked a bright green squirrel, Nutty.
"She ran out on her contract," Betty explained.
"Word on the street is they wanted to turn her computer animated," said an elderly squirrel who looked to be from a 1930's cartoon, "Goes against her principles."
"And what's wrong with being CG?" asked the squirrel Betty had been sitting next to before.
Scrat, the prehistoric squirrel from the movie Ice Age and only other computer animated Toon at the meeting, only shrugged and continued nibbling his acorn.
"It's just not for everyone, Hammy," said Waggs, "Besides, we squirrels should stick together in unity against these greedy humans."
"Dios mio, he was in one five minute scene in a movie that bombed and he thinks he's our leader," grumbled a Mexican squirrel, Tico from Dora the Explorer.
"Wanna say that to my face?" Waggs brandished his fists.
"Let's not get physical, stay on topic," said Betty, "The point is, yes she ran out on her contract with Warner Bros., and I was hired to find her. But if any of you help me, well, ten thousand dollars could buy you a lot of acorns."
Scrat's mouth began to water, as did some of the other squirrels.
"It's no secret that Slappy has a few screws loose," said a detective squirrel wearing a purple hat and gray trench coat who Betty readily recognized as Secret Squirrel, "Need I remind us all of the time she had a nervous breakdown and her nephew was taken away by child protective services; she was never actually cleared to leave the mental hospital. She just left."
"You sound like you've done your research," said Betty.
"I have. My concern here is that she might even be endangering Skippy; she's obviously very stressed out, and we all know how she can get under these kinds of conditions."
"Reckless," said Tammy, looking up at the ceiling with its boarded up patches caused mainly by bombing incidents from Slappy.
"Well if anyone knows anything, you could either come forward now, or give me a tip after the meeting. We'll keep it anonymous. Launchpad and I can wait outside."
There was silence; perhaps no one wanted to come forward in front of the other squirrels and be labeled a traitor by Waggs or anyone else. Rocky finally chimed in, eager to wrap up Betty's segment of the meeting.
"I know there are divided opinions on Slappy here, or even on whether the laws she's breaking are just, but that's for us to discuss outside of this meeting. Whether or not you want to help Betty capture Slappy is up to you personally."
Betty nodded, "We'll be in the hallway."
With that she and Launchpad left among the murmurs of the squirrels in the room.
"Did that go well?" Launchpad asked.
"Not especially, although I feel like Secret Squirrel somehow knows something."
"Maybe he's been following the case himself," Launchpad suggested.
"Or maybe ten thousand dollars was enough to sway him. Give these squirrels some time to think about how much money that is; I'm sure they'll come around eventually."
The two of them found a couple chairs in the hallway and were seated. There were rows of portraits up and down the wooden hallway; the one right in front of them was of none other than Screwy Squirrel, complete with the years of his birth and death. She stared at it and pondered. Slappy must have had to walk by that portrait every time she came here. Maybe that's why she was known for misbehaving at the meetings.
"So I know Toons don't 'die' per se, unless sprayed with Dip or deleted, but what happens to a Toon who dies another way?"
"Oh, well they can become ghosts, or either go to Toon Heaven or uh…the other place," Launchpad answered.
"Toon Hell?" Betty asked.
"We usually call it Heck, or Hades," Launchpad said.
"Ah, I see," Betty said with a small chuckle, "So, kind of like that Tom and Jerry cartoon where Tom dies and goes on a big escalator to heaven. Then they hand you a halo, harp and wings?"
"That's one way it can happen," said Launchpad, "The Toon afterlife is almost as big and varied as Toon Town itself Ms. V. Not that I know firsthand."
"I wonder where Screwy is now then," she remarked.
"Beats me," said Launchpad.
It was about another half hour before squirrels began filing out of the room. Some of them cast a dirty look at Betty, others ignored her. But as Secret Squirrel walked by, a paper slipped out from his trenchcoat.
"Excuse me, I think you dropped something Ms. Valiant," Secret Squirrel said discreetly, before hurrying on his way.
Betty picked it up and unfolded it.
'Toon Town library. 2 o'clock'
"I think he wants to collaborate," Betty said with a grin, "Finally we're getting somewhere."
