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In the morning, the cuddling was not spoken about. They both got dressed, went down for breakfast and ate in almost silence. Howard couldn't help stealing looks at the other boy though. He'd grown up so much in a year. He'd lost a ton of baby fat, too much baby fat in fact, now he closely resembled a stick. His eyes were somehow bluer than they used to be but somehow more haunted too. His hair was glossier, his cheekbones more pronounced. Vince was a good-looking guy, anyone could see that, delicate and a little feminine sometimes, with his fitted clothes but definitely male. There was no mistaking that.
Vince caught Howard looking at him a few times and smiled as he dipped his spoon into his lumpy, grey porridge. He was glad that they were able to carry on like before, after all, Howard was the only person left that he cared about.
Mrs Moon bustled her way over to the table and put half a slice of toast next to their bowls.
"It's going stale," she explained, when Howard looked confused. They never had toast for breakfast. There simply wasn't enough bread.
"Right," Howard frowned, lifting the toast and flipping in his fingers. He half expected to see green fungus growing out of it.
"Stop studying it and eat," Mrs Moon scolded, slapping his wrist sharply, "and be grateful."
"I am," protested Howard, ignoring the shadow of Vince that was giggling in the corner of his eye.
"Did you sleep well Vincent?" Mrs Moon asked, sitting down to join them.
"Yes thank you, Mrs Moon. It was very peaceful," he smiled.
"Yes, well, you're safe now." Vince shovelled a spoonful of porridge into his mouth and nodded. "But, if you ever need to talk about … anything," Mrs Moon said in a way she hoped was comforting and motherly, "then don't hesitate."
"I won't." Vince said, looking at Howard as the older boy nodded his agreement.
--
"You need a flowerbed," Vince announced on the way to school.
"Why?"
"So we can grow our own food."
"We haven't got any seeds."
"Oh … well, we could always nick 'em from the farmer."
"Don't come up here with your London way of thinking."
"It's called looting. It's what people do when you're house has been hit by a bomb. They run in and steal everything you own… like you haven't lost enough already."
Howard was quiet for a second, "did they do that to your house?"
Vince nodded, "they took everything … except this," he added, taking a pocket watch from deep inside his coat. "It was my dad's," he explained. "It's the only thing I've got left now. I'm gonna give it back to him one day, when I meet him again."
Howard nodded, "I think he'd probably like that."
"Yeah. I reckon. I reckon this is probably magic."
"Why?"
"Well, it's so old… everything old is magic. That's how it works in stories. Always go for the old ones coz they're always magic."
Howard shook his head and shoved Vince in the shoulder. "You're mad, you know that?"
"Yeah, you love me for it."
Howard's heart skipped a beat and he watched Vince's ever-lasting smile falter a little. He quickly changed the subject, not that there was a subject of course, just a stupid, flippant comment that had meant nothing. Nothing.
"So, does that man who can't speak English still work in the bakers?"
Howard chuckled a little, grateful for the break in the silence "yes."
"And what about Billy and Harry? Are they still bullying you into doing things you don't want to?"
"No they've gone. And they didn't bully me."
"Whatever shrimp eyes," chuckled the smaller boy, "who d'you hang around with now then? Or d'you just go up to the brig and play pooh sticks by yourself?"
"Excuse you sir. You can't just come back to my village and start throwing your insults around all willy-nilly."
Vince barked a strange, but somehow infectious, laugh and repeated, "willy-nilly?"
"Yes," Howard said, trying to strike a pose that was both dignified and noble but managing to strike a pose that was neither of these things and only served to make him seem childish and sulky. This only made Vince laugh harder.
"Shut up," Howard snapped eventually.
"Ha! Are you ten?" Vince asked, and without pause, "Hey, do the school still have the pet hamster?"
"Erm, no it died."
"Everything does nowadays," shrugged Vince. Then he looked up, past Howard's right ear and said, "you know her?"
Howard span around and saw Jenny waving at him. He smiled back and she kissed him on the cheek, when she got close. Vince didn't really hear her name, when Howard introduced her. He wasn't sure why but something about her made him hate her. Maybe it was her dark brown hair. Maybe it was her tiny, evil eyes. Maybe it was the way she had her hands splayed across Howard's chest, whilst his arms hung limply by his side. Vince frowned and didn't stop frowning, even when Jenny held her hand out to shake his. He just stared at it until she let it drop.
"Nice to meet you," he lied, "I'm going to be late. See you later."
"What was that about?" Jenny asked, pushing her cheek against Howard's corduroy lapel.
"I couldn't tell you," he answered honestly.
--
Howard waited for Vince by the gate at the end of school but he never showed up. Jenny did. She waited with him for a while but when it started to get dark, she gave up.
"He's obviously gone home Howard," she pointed out, "he's probably waiting for you to visit the cows or something."
"Hey," Howard warned, "don't be mean."
"Well, you said he was a lovely person and he completely ignored me."
"I know," he sighed, "that was weird."
"Hmm. Anyway, I'm going home. Are you coming?"
"Erm, no. I'll just wait a few more minutes…"
"Howard," she groaned, "don't stay out all night."
"Okay."
"No, promise me."
"I promise."
"Okay," she sighed, she leant up and kissed him goodnight and Howard, as always, felt sick.
--
He'd waited another hour after Jenny left before finally calling it a day and leaving. He didn't want to go straight home though, he didn't feel like it. He wanted to be alone for a bit longer so he went to the bridge. To his surprise, as he clambered down the bank and crept onto the footpath underneath the bridge, he saw Vince, huddled in a ball, shaking violently. Howard took his coat off and wrapped it around Vince's shoulders before joining him on the cold ground.
Vince thought about shrugging the jacket off but he was cold and it was cosy and smelt of Howard.
"How long have you been here?" Howard asked after a moment or two.
"Since I last saw you."
"Okaaay. Why?"
"Because…" Vince sulked.
"Are you ten?" Howard asked, throwing Vince's mocking words from earlier back in his face but it didn't work.
"I wish I was. Coz then, I wouldn't care about all … this."
"All what?"
"Everything."
"Vince, what are you talking about?"
"Life."
"Vince!"
"What!?" He snarled.
"Stop being so bloody cryptic!" Howard shouted. He grabbed the front of Vince's shirt and pulled him towards him so their faces were inches from each other. Their breath mingled in short angry pants and their hearts beat in perfect unison. Vince's hard stare softened but he didn't take his eyes off Howard's. Howard tried to look away but he couldn't. He was hypnotised by the boy in front of him. His eyes flicked to Vince's lips, just as a pointy, red tongue slid over them, making them somehow inviting.
Howard felt his insides squeeze into a ball but it was a good feeling, as though a million and one fluttering butterflies were flittering a beautiful dance. Howard felt Vince slump forward in his grasp. He felt Vince's cheek against his own. He felt the thinnest scrape of stubble as the younger boy pressed his nose into the crook of Howard's neck and breathed in deeply.
Howard felt himself release Vince's shirt. His fingers moving instead to trace light patterns over Vince's ribs as Vince pressed his face even closer to Howard's. Howard could tell Vince's lips were parted. He could hear the breathing, warm and wet by his ear, and he heard the words,
"I'm sorry," before Vince pulled away and went back to looking at the river.
Howard felt a shiver run through him. He pretended it was because he was cold from the lack of contact. The silence was deafening now and he felt like he should say something. He felt like he should ask if Vince too had a dance troupe of butterflies in his belly but instead he just stared at the water until his stomach was fluttering for a whole other reason. He suggested they go home for some food.
--
Howard didn't sleep that night. He just kept replaying the moment by the river over and over in his mind. He wasn't sure what had happened. He certainly didn't know what it meant but he knew he wanted it to happen again. He just didn't know how.
It was very late or perhaps very early in the morning when he felt a hand on his arm. He looked down at it, to see that Vince had moved the cushions. Even in the blackness, Howard could pick out Vince's eyes, looking at him.
"I had a nightmare," he explained and without thinking, Howard wrapped his arms around him and held him close.
--
Things carried on like this for a while. This mundane existence in a time when things were hard, broken only by mere moments of tender truth that were never mentioned but never forgotten.
Jenny was still around. She was Howard's girlfriend. His future wife. Howard knew that. Jenny knew that. Even Vince knew that but that didn't mean he had to like it. Vince didn't like Howard when he was with Jenny. He liked him when she was gone because when she was gone, that's when Howard could stop playing at being responsible and husbandly and just be himself, with Vince. That was Vince's Howard. No one else got to see him and as far as Vince was concerned they were missing out.
"Mum, we're going to the old oak."
"It's really very late. It'll be the blackout soon." His mother said sternly.
"We won't be long," Howard promised, "it's just, there's no clouds tonight and there's a particularly interesting star constellation I want to show Vince. It looks like Tommy Nooka, the great explorer."
"Well," she wavered, "be quick."
--
"This sounds well boring Howard," moaned Vince, as he picked his way daintily across the field after his friend. "Stars in the shape of a dead old man with cheese for a head."
"He hasn't got cheese for a head!"
"He has," insisted Vince, "I've seen a picture… well, I drew a picture."
"You also drew a picture of me with a balloon for a head and a picture of Jenny that looked like a gorilla."
"I draw what I see," shrugged Vince but there was a wicked glint in his eye as he remembered Jenny's face when she'd looked at her portrait.
Howard looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Vince just laughed and said,
"Where are these stars then?"
"Patience," sighed Howard, sitting down under the tree and leaning against the trunk. He looked up. "You can't really see the constellations unless you find them yourself."
"This isn't going to be another stationary village thing, is it? 'If you can't see stationary village'" he mimicked, "'then you can't take anything from stationary village'."
"Yeah, well … you didn't have to blitz it with a rubber."
"Look, it was clearly a German city," chuckled Vince, sitting next to Howard and looking up, "Oooo. Look." He pointed up.
"What, what is it? Can you see Tommy Nooka?"
"No, look. The moon's full. You can see his face and everything. You know, I think the moon's just a man's face covered in shaving cream. Look." he pointed again, "What d'you reckon?"
"I reckon you're a little bit mad."
"Why?"
"A man's face covered in shaving cream?"
"Yeah."
"Mad," Howard repeated, reaching over to pat Vince's leg in a condescending fashion. On the second pat, Vince caught Howard's hand and held it gently in his own. Howard didn't pull away. It felt strangely comfortable as Vince entwined their fingers together.
They didn't talk for a moment or two. They both just watched the stars above them.
"You know," Vince said eventually, "the longer you stare, the more stars you can see. The more potential planets that appear."
"Mmm," Howard hummed his agreement.
"Howard?"
"Yeah?"
"You know Jenny?"
"Yes…"
"Do you…? Never mind."
"No, what?" Howard asked, his hand subconsciously closing around Vince's more tightly.
"Just … do you?"
"Do I what?"
"You know what!" Insisted Vince, glaring deep into Howard's soul. They scowled at each other for a second until Howard relaxed again, returning to his original position, his hand still tightly clasped in Vince's.
"Do I?" he asked. His eyes sliding sideways enough to see Vince nodding. He let his eyes drift back to the sky. Of course it was at that moment that he spotted the Tommy Nooka constellation but it wasn't important anymore. He felt a damp, sheen of sweat form between his and Vince's fingers and he sighed heavily.
"No," he answered, "I don't." And he thought he heard Vince whisper;
"Good."
