Jinchuuriki Gathering

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!

A/N: I don't know what to say. I know where I went wrong with this. It started out ridiculous and somewhere along the line I started to take it seriously and then it became this. You deserve better, you deserve more consistency, and I apologize for not delivering. Still, I think its not at all bad.

Thanks for sticking with me this far!

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Before we commence what I am immensely relieved to report as our last chapter, I must mention a little something about blood clotting.

Its really more important than scab formation really ought to be and if it didn't happen you'd die a horrible death like Alexei Nikolovitch Romanov. We certainly don't want that to happen, do we? No, we don't.

So, to reiterate: clotting is good. The reason we care is because Pein (…its not Pain. No. Screw you. Go hump a spoon.) was bleeding. Of course, Pein was an animated corpse so he didn't really care that much about it. In fact the man controlling Pein was wondering why the hell a corpse that was nearly two decades old even had any blood left to lose. He figured it was because the rin'nengan was just loaded with awesome like that, and I'm not arguing his logic.

Pein was bleeding because Hidan had skewered him indelicately with that charming scythe he liked to carry around. To know why the hell Hidan was fighting Pein and how the man with the slowest attack in Akatsuki had pegged the leader of the damn organization against a crumbling wall you'll have to wait for the next episode of Villains Gone Wild.

What? I'm kidding.

To find out, you need to let me take you away from the stuffy Akatsuki headquarters to a small cave in a mountain not too far away. Inside this cave is a strange, cruel machine that at first glance seems to have a corpse trapped in it—and then you notice the extraordinary eyes still humming with life.

"Nagato," Konan said, "You need to stop."

"I still have five Paths I can call upon."

"But you shouldn't!" the woman moved towards him in a flurry of agitated paper: she wasn't the real thing, just a shadow clone of herself. "You're falling apart at the seams—"

"Ha-ha."

"And you haven't eaten in a day! This wasn't supposed to be a suicide mission!"

Nagato opened his mouth to say something and coughed instead. The paper Konan flitted to his side and dapped his fevered brow with a tissue hand.

"Eloquently said," she muttered wryly, "Yahiko's Pein dead you wasting away in this chair—I knew catching all the jinchuuriki at once was a bad idea. It takes two of us to bring down one of them, Nagato! And then you went and put all of them together under Akatsuki's care when you knew Zetsu was planning something."

"Madara wouldn't wait," Nagato sulked at her, "He's in a hurry."

Konan snorted. She didn't have a terribly good opinion of the ancient Uchiha. He gave her the screaming heebie-jeebies.

"I still don't know why you let yourself get bossed around by that old fraud. He's just as bad as the rest of them, you know that? Him with his grand plans for revenge—you know where revenge leads."

"I know!" the man snapped, "I know, dammit!"

"That's right," she said waspishly, "I forgot you're God." Her heavily shaded eyes held his angry gaze with a rage of their own, and then she turned her back on him. The argument lay sore and dangerous between them, neither of them willing to approach it.

God caved first. "I'm going to call on the five Paths," he said softly, "I need you to get my chakra to the fallen one." He held out a painfully bony hand and a blue glow collected around it. Konan looked for a moment as though she'd love to tell him what to do with his hand, and then the moment passed. She glared and took hold of the offered appendage.

Stupid, dying jerk.

000

About an hour ago, when Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Konan and Pein had stormed the security center, something a lot like pandemonium had gone down.

"Kisame," Itachi had said without expression in a flat tone that could be correctly construed as shock.

"Itachi-san," his partner had bowed respectfully to prepare himself for battle. The younger man held up a hand.

"Wait," he said, "I don't want to fight you."

The missing Mist nin was so surprised by this statement (because lets face it: coming from Itachi it was like a declamation of undying love) he forgot to be hurt by the spider Deidara exploded in his vicinity. He did, however, faint dead away.

"Alright," Itachi said with an impassive face, "Now I'm angry."

The jinchuuriki were milling abut in total uncertainty, unsure of whether to follow Kame's example and or Naruto's.

Their confusion was outmatched by Konan, who really didn't get why Naruto was blocking every blow Kame aimed at her.

"I can fight for myself, boy!" she said loudly, mistaking his defense of her as some sort of sad attempt at chivalry. He ignored her, so she turned on Zetsu, who was watching the proceedings from the ceiling with something approximating amusement.

"You're seriously fired, plant man."

"Do I get paid for the last overtime I did? It's the end of the world as we know it and I'm kinda hyped—would you stop singing when I'm trying to deliver a witty quip!?"

Kakuzu leaned against the door and watched Itachi stare down Deidara over Kisame's still form. The masked man rolled his toxic eyes.

"It's my opinion that this whole organization's gone to the dogs," he said to Hidan.

"This is the face of someone who doesn't give a flying fuck," the zealot told him happily, "Look how many sacrifices!"

"Bet you can't kill just one," Kakuzu smirked, and Hidan jumped into the fray with him. Sasori's great doll lashed a tail out at them both.

"You morons! Fight for Akatsuki, not against it!"

"Why?" Hidan asked, surprising his partner. The Jashin-worshipping asshole wasn't known for asking questions first.

Sasori didn't have a reply.

"Look around you, fucker," Hidan gestured, "Akatsuki's reaping its reward for shunning Jashin-sama. I'm going to make damn sure I don't get fucked for associating with sinners. Don't worry, Kuzu—I'll put in a good word for you!"

"Don't get yourself killed!" Kakuzu yelled after him, and then shrugged at Sasori's stunned silence.

"I'm going to loot the place, Orochimaru's getting a head start," he said, "Why don't you join us?"

"Sounds good," Sasori said, and stepped out of his puppet.

Nagato watched the mayhem through Pein's eyes and marveled. His greatest genius had been his greatest failure too. Putting together a team of ostracized S-class shinobi had been brilliant—keeping them together over a course of years had been a mistake. Akatsuki had degenerated from a well-coordinated, highly motivated machine to a den of vipers, all aching to bite each other.

Konan grabbed his shoulders and shook them wildly. "They killed me!" she shouted into his face.

"But," Pein frowned at her, "You're alive."

"You're right," Konan said, "Not for long, though." She gestured to a dark, bloodied hole in her cloak and Pein's rippled eyes widened.

"You're out of healing chakra?" he asked, slapping a hand to her wounded abdomen. She blinked. "No, I'm not."

The Path stopped what he was doing to frown at her again. "You're being uncharacteristically useless, Konan."

"I helped with that," Zetsu said, "I injected her with serum that disrupts clear thought. Want a taste? On the good ship/ Lollipop it's a sweet trip/ To the candy shop—for the love of—!" Zetsu scolded his better half, "If you have to sing, make it something fitting! Let's hear a bit of Voltaire's 'Evil'! Yes, of course: Life is easy when you're evil/ Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need/ The devil tips his hat to me!"

"I don't have time for this," Pein told the plant. He grabbed Konan by the waist and was pumping healing chakra when a voice invited him to turn.

"This is for the worst fucking uniform ever, leader's bitch!!"

It wasn't a terribly hard decision for Nagato to make. Konan was hurt and if Hidan's scythe hit her she might die. Pein was a corpse who could stop that from happening. So Pein—on Nagato's instructions—hurled himself heroically in the line of fire and was pinned to the wall while Konan clasped her hands to her chest and cried, "Oh, Yahiko's corpse-kun!"

Pre-Shippuden Sakura syndrome, Nagato thought heavily, and then wondered where the hell that had come from.

000

Zetsu was having the time of his life.

"Look, Kuro," the fair skinned side thrilled, "Akatsuki in shambles!"

"Great," Shiro said sincerely, "I could write a song about it. Where's Tobi when you need him to tap a beat?"

"With Madara. They left to rub Konoha's nose into the fact that we've got their favorite son."

""The blond? Doesn't look like anyone's got him anywhere. Why's he not using the Kyuubi's power?"

"Why am I expected to know how these people think?"

The plant doesn't know, but I do. Naruto was of course not using Kyuubi's power because he still didn't have a very good bond with the fox: the alien chakra would peel him apart. Kame on the other hand had long ago succumbed to the voice in her head. The Sanbi had fused with her soul and now they fought madly, dangerously.

Let me out, kit, this is embarrassing! Even on a bad day I'd rip that filthy water-breather apart—

Tortoises don't breathe water, Naruto told the demon irately, and shut up.

Kame's skin glowed, but not with the sheen of happiness or good health. It was a sickly green that clashed with her lavender eyes and made that the sweet poison exuding from her flower adorned staff that much worse.

"Kame, listen to me, please!" Naruto yelled at her as he ducked another swipe of her anger, "Let's just try to work out a deal with them—you have to give them a chance!"

Kame's only response was to fly at his throat again.

Fuck it, kit, everything has a limit. Sometimes to get someone to listen you have to make sure their ears are the only things left working.

Fair enough, Naruto said, and let a little bit of red chakra leak into his next punch. Akemi watched her friend fly across the room and slam through the wall.

"He's on my side," she told Takeshi proudly. The poison worker stared in astonishment at Naruto, who was now clonking Bee's head against his chakra fueled palm.

"Stop standing around like a bunch of useless morons and fall in line! I'm the boss and I said we're not fighting Akatsuki! Any smartass who wants to try anyway is going to have his brains smashed in by me!"

In the resounding silence that followed Nii cleared her throat and said, "His brains? So the girls can disobey you?"

"Shut the hell up with your gender equality and get me some goddamn rope!"

Ah, yes. He might've gone Zen on them for a while, but the core of the blond was still Naruto.

000

Kisame came to his sense with a loud, tortured groan. Rubbing his abused head, he surveyed the damage around him, taking in particularly the dusty boy sitting a little ways off. Itachi was sitting on a sturdy little stool, his cloak shucked neatly over his crossed arms. His head drooped into his sternum and he held a bottle of water in his hand.

Kisame winced and took it. The young man's head snapped up and the swordsman saw with amazement that the eyes were black, jet black for the first time since they'd met.

"Holy shit," Kisame said.

Itachi half-raised one eyebrow. "What, did God bless a pile of feces?"

Kisame drank deeply from the bottle. "Itachi-san," he said, "You just cracked a joke. What the hell happened when I was out?"

"Enough to make my head spin," Itachi replied calmly, "And all of it wrought by Naruto, the nine-tails' vessel."

"The same blond who mistook you for your brother all those years ago?" Kisame grinned. "How fast these kids grow."

Itachi stood, letting his Akatsuki cloak fall to the ground. Kisame couldn't place his finger on it yet, but some sort of crucial change had snuck over the brunet. Even the way he stood—shoulders down, hands loose—gave away a new brightness in his soul.

"There's something in him, Kisame," Itachi said quietly, "Something more than the nine tails."

"It's a brain," Kisame said, "He's finally figured out he has one."

"I'm…hopeful about the future."

"You think I have a hope of finding a working bathroom in this place?"

"Are you concussed? I'm trying to have a conversation with you."

"Well I'm hardly used to it, Itachi-san! Years of silence and now you want to pour your heart out to me? Give me time. To pee, first, and then to get used to it."

Disappointment dusted Itachi's eyes, only for a second. "You're right. Come with me, I'll fill you in as we walk."

There was a lot to tell.

000

The real Slim Shady—uh, Konan—was walking around the chaotic room aimlessly but her clone (separated from the woman by a thin wall of chakra) was fully functional. She flew into the security booth and landed on Pein as flutter of butterflies. Nagato's chakra sunk into the corpse's nose rings and the Sage of Six Paths could see through Yahiko's dead eyes again.

Nii Yugito was arguing with the Bee over the proper knot to use when tying up a young girl (Kame, naturally, had to be restrained until Naruto got around to making her see reason) and Deidara had just staggered away from Itachi's tsukiyomi deluxe when the first Path entered the premises.

"Greetings," Nagato said through him, "I bring news from the underworld. You're all going to die."

Deidara stared at the man. "Hey," he said, "Hey, un. Have I seen you somewhere? Family reunion, is that it, yeah?"

The shadow clone Konan slapped her fer srs!counterpart around a bit. The kunoichi returned to her senses.

Zetsu watched four more Paths enter the scene and gave a dainty sort of sigh.

"We might have to use It.

"Use what?

"You know…It.

"No, I don't know.

"Didn't I tell you about that one move?

"Maybe, maybe not! I don't know which move we decided to call IT!

"Oh, maybe I didn't tell you. I learned the move you were reading about in the book the other week. Kisame knows.

"The Blight? You didn't! You did? How? When!?

"You were asleep. Missed the whole thing.

"…You're not asleep when I'm asleep?"

Naruto and his gang backed into a corner around Kame as the Paths and Konan advanced on them. The rest of Akatsuki had either escaped or was otherwise disabled. The kyuubi vessel held up his hands and spoke to Konan.

"Look," he cajoled, "We went through a sort of mess with our internet politics. There was an attempted coup," he pointed at Kame, "But its all good now. If you would just take us to your leader, I wanna talk to him. about Jiraiya. About peace. About all those piercings—I was thinking of getting my ear done, and maybe we could, I dunno, get it together?"

"There's no room for another ear piercing," Konan said, "But I was thinking about another navel ring."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said, "I think I'll get it done as a reward for killing you."

Naruto gritted his teeth and crossed his arms. "No," he said, "There are enough of us to make this a fuckin' scary fight. You can't win. Please—just lets talk."

"My sensei used to want to talk all the time, too," Konan said, "But that's why he's dead and I'm still alive. Listen demon…Naruto, listen. You want to talk? Here the full extent of my side's willing to say: drop dead."

"Hey," Zetsu said, "Now there's an idea."

Everyone turned to look at him, because it was that sort of statement. He grinned a nasty grin, and then he exploded.

Everyone started screaming. What the fuck was this? What the fuck was going on? What the fuck were they screaming for?

One by one like bats scattering to the night, their cries faded into nothingness and left a pink sense of abashment in the air.

"That was weird," said Nii.

"I'll say," Konan frowned, "I've never seen Zetsu do that."

"Die, you mean?" Katsutoshi said, "I think that's a one-time trick."

"He didn't die," Nagato spoke through the sole female Path, "Konan, stop breathing."

"You drop dead too."

"No," Nagato hissed, "I'm not insulting you, just stop breathing!"

She looked doubtful (this was the man who'd thought it was a good idea to play footsie with death for the sake of a little extra power) but stopped breathing. The jinchuuriki looked to Naruto, who frowned.

"Well, Zetsu was on our side," he mused, "A little. Maybe whatever move that was won't get us?"

It was a rhetorical question, but they got the answer anyway. Konan and the Paths (ooh, band name!) slumped suddenly to the ground without a word, but not a single jinchuuriki even felt faint.

"Cool," Naruto said, "Let's tie these guys up too."

"Where the hell you getting all this rope/ And is it some place where I can buy dope?" Bee questioned Nii as she returned with armfuls of the stuff.

"Supplies closet," she said, "And I didn't know you get high."

"Sometimes, baby/Is that shocking to see?"

"You rhyme baby with way too many things."

Akemi crouched next to Kame, who was still out of the world like Sai was out of the closet. Takeshi crouched with, and the young girl shook her head.

"She should've stuck with me," Akemi said a little mournfully, "Or at least have had the sense to not go against Naruto."

"The way he kicked her," Takeshi whispered, "It was unbelievable. The ninetails is truly a demon to reckon with."

"Duh. Why do you think we were taking orders from him in the first place?"

All seemed well and good for the jinchuuriki, but Nagato in his cave was edging a little closer to panic. His best friend and second in command was down, and she had all his weapons with her. The sage of six paths rued the day he'd hired Zetsu without finding out exactly what he was capable of. He also rued treating the anthromorph more like a plant and less like a sentient being, but he didn't blame himself too much for that. It was hard to take seriously someone without arms.

The big question now was where was Zetsu? Nagato knew better than to think the man had kicked the bucket. The problem was, without the Paths he could only see this dreary cave he'd chosen to hide out in, and his own useless hand: too weak and bony to save anyone.

So what else was new?

No. Something was new. Nagato refused to be helpless anymore. He was going to win this war even if he had to get down to the Akatsuki headquarters himself and beat the tar out of the jinchuuriki gang currently holding Konan—dead or alive.

Fuck this shit, he was not losing another friend.

000

Kisame had been nestled respectfully in a corner and the rest of Akatsuki had been rounded up fairly easily. They had little team spirit left to them and were curious about Naruto, the blond who kept reassuring them that no one was going to kill them.

"What a strange little fucker," Hidan told Kakuzu. The money minded immortal gave a grunt that succinctly expressed his opinion on the matter: whatever. In his lap he held a large urn overflowing with valuables Akatsuki had hoarded for the past few years: the stash to which he'd been treasurer for until everything went to hell. Next to him was Itachi, looking utterly uninterested in the goings-on. Knowing him as they did his colleagues understood that he was as fascinated as the rest of them by this totally weird turn of events; he just sucked at showing it.

Orochimaru sat a little way from the Uchiha, with Sasori and Deidara. The latter was regaining his senses slowly, following the conversations flowing around him.

Naruto, who'd been conferring on the other side of the room with his posse, now approached them with a nervous grin.

It would be so much easier to just kill them, kit.

Shut it, fox. I don't take advice from tenants in my head.

But begging them for their power is okay?
Ignoring this, Naruto opened his mouth to address the remnants of his

enemies, and was interrupted by their leader who popped into the scene with aplomb.

"I'm here to rescue everybody," Nagato announced, pointing at Naruto, "Except you. you get to go to hell because you have offended He Who Ought Not to Be Offended." He took a dramatic pause and added, "That's me."

"God, damn it," Naruto sighed.

Nagato smirked. "Exactly.

000

Perhaps it will come as no surprise to you that eight powerful jinchuuriki took down one weakened man with little trouble, but it certainly came as a surprise to the tatters of Akatsuki. They had always viewed the shadowy figure that governed them as an invincible entity of unimaginable power. And while that had been true, invincibility could be taken away. And it had been, judging by the way Konan and a bunch of redheads were trussed up in the corner.

"Not a great first impression for our leader to make on us," Orochimaru noted.

"Fuck the motherfucker," Hidan said, "He's not our leader anymore. I quit Akatsuki—if there's an Akatsuki left to fuckin' quit." He shrugged off his cloak and threw it aside, spitting on it for good measure.

"That's disgusting," Kakuzu told him, "Good money went into making that cloak. You could've kept it."

"Nuh-uh, un," Deidara protested, having figured out most of what had gone down, "Its, like, a symbol of the way leader-sama oppressed us with his lies. And its bad taste. I think we should blow them up, un."

"Oh you," Sasori said, "You'd blow up the world with you still in it if you had your way. Stay quiet, brat, and let your elders decide what to do here."

"I don't know," Orochimaru said silkily, "His elders may not be the ones deciding." He gave a significant glance in Naruto's direction. The boy had retreated to confer with his cohorts again. Damn all these unexpected interruptions!

Itachi cleared his throat and his colleagues looked at him eagerly. It wasn't often that the Uchiha spoke up in group discussions, and what he had to say usually made a lot of sense.

"I'm thirsty," he said, "I want water."

Well, you had to admit. It made sense, after a battle and all.

"Excuse me," Kakuzu called out to the woman he'd bound and captured not so long ago, "Miss Two-tails? We're going to go down to the kitchen to get ourselves some drinks, alright?"

Nii surveyed him with suspicion. "Why are you being polite?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Good manners? You're not an enemy (…it doesn't look like…) and you're not an irritating money-squandering partner." He glared at Hidan, who snorted his disinterest.

"Um," she turned to Naruto, who nodded, "Go ahead, then."

One by one, the S-class criminals all stood up and walked out of the door, talking quite amicably to each other and glancing with unabashed curiosity at the jinchuuriki, who looked back in mild confusion. Deidara even offered Gaara a smile, one that the Kazekage accepted with a gracious dip of his head.

Naruto turned back to his people. "Okay," he said, "What the hell?"

Nii refrained from rolling her eyes. "Well, I take it these guys aren't Akatsuki any more. They're just…them. Itachi and Hidan and Kakuzu and whoever else."

"Orochimaru," Akemi said.

"Deidara," Gaara remembered.

"Sasori," Naruto frowned, "And the bone kid."

They all looked at Nagato, who was watching with dull eyes.

"He's a problem," Hisoka agreed, "Especially if he has the woman with him. we don't know their story but I'm pretty damn sure they aren't going to let the dissolution of Akatsuki stop them."

"Hear, hear," Katsutoshi muttered, and addressed Naruto. "If ever you had the power of persuasion, now is the time to bring it out in all its glory. To find out who they are."

"Right," the blond boss decided, "Here's what we're gonna do."

He's what they did: they all of them adjourned to the largest room—which was also the most stable after the fight the building had just suffered. The liberated Akatsuki avoided looking at Konan and company. The jinchuuriki avoided looking at each other. The result was that both groups ended up looking at the other—though no one met Itachi's eye. They weren't quite ready to face his sharingan. The Uchiha took note of this fact, and then noted that Kisame had been left in the ruined security room. He slipped away to seek out his fishy partner. No one missed him.

000

Kisame stopped short and held out a hand to Itachi's shoulder, as it to touch it.

"Zetsu exploded?" he asked, "Holy shit. I know where he is."

"Where?" his companion asked, and the older man jerked a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the direction they'd come from. Itachi followed him back to the room and there they found Naruto and Gaara.

"We were looking for clues as to where the plant guy might've gone," Naruto said. His exuberant tones had a hint of weariness, a growing desire to stop and rest of a bit. Gaara heard it louder than Kisame or Itachi did; he moved closer to his friend.

"That's great," Kisame said, distracted, "I know where Zetsu is."

"Seriously?" Naruto stared. "Where?"

Kisame wasn't going to let his information go that easily. He was the center of attention for once—even Itachi couldn't look away—and he wanted to milk this for all it was worth. He gave a superior sort of smile and beckoned them closer with a curl of his fingers.

"A few weeks ago," he began in a stage whisper, "Zetsu told me about this jutsu he'd found. It knocked down the last hurdle in our planned coup d'etat: how to get rid of Konan and the leader and whatever henchmen they may've assembled. Its called the Blight, and it is powerful. You can kill up to a hundred chosen victims with it, irrespective of what jutsu they might be firing at you—and you'd survive. No ill effects like so many lethal battle jutsu. You know what I'm talking about."

Naruto thought about his rase-shuriken and intercellular damage and said yeah, he knew what Kisame was talking about.

"The Blight, however, has a catch."

"Like all the good ninja techniques," Gaara nodded.

"Yeah. The reason Zetsu told me about the jutsu is because first of all, I'm in on the coup with him and second of all, the Blight takes two people to perform. One of explode (Zetsu demonstrated that bit for us) and one to bring back the exploder."

Itachi let out his breath in a long sigh. "May we assume," he asked, "That you are the one who can do that?"

Kisame smiled, basking in the glow of their undivided attention. "You bet your sweet ass I am."

000

A quick chant and some intense concentration later, their photosynthesizing friend had been returned unto them.

"Yo," Kisame said, holding up a hand for Zetsu to smack, "I did a good job with the resurrection, yeah?"

Shiro and Kuro stared in mute, mutual disgust until the put his hand down.

"Oh, right. No arms. Sorry."

"Naruto," Shiro said, "Konan and those siblings with her—they're dead?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, "But the carrot tops with her were already dead, and I don't think they were related."

Zetsu hid his disappointment. "Well then," he said, "What's your next move?"

"I'm going to talk to the leader dude."

"You haven't killed him yet!?"

Gaara shook his head. "No. And he's also upset you killed the woman. Naruto is going to make peace with Akatsuki."

Itachi made a small noise. "There is no Akatsuki left to make peace with. What you have is a group of S-class missing shinobi."

"Whose voice is that?" Naruto said loudly, "Is that the scumbag who killed his entire extended family and made my best friend cry? Oh, sorry. Your opinion I don't give a shit about."

"You can see how he'd bring peace to the world," Kisame grinned at the scandalized Uchiha, "He's got quite a way words."

With Zetsu alternately yapping and singing in his ear about the utter stupidity of his stupidness, with Gaara walking sedately next to him, with Sasuke's brother following him in wary awe and with Kisame bringing up the rear, Naruto burst into the meeting room.

Chaos didn't reign; it ran amok with its subjects screaming "I am an anarchist, bitch!" Kame had regained her senses and things broke, screamed, swore and shattered because of it. Naruto took it in with a sweeping glance.

"Don't fret, people," he said lazily, "Naruto's got everything under control." (A light fixture exploded near his head and he ducked to avoid the shrapnel.)

Sure he did.

000

It took some time, but eventually everyone was quiet, everything was settled, everyone was watching Naruto wake up Nagato.

"You jerk," the god said woozily when Naruto's face spun into focus.

"Good evening," Naruto sassed him.

"You complete kneebiter. You killed my Konan and Paths."

"I know," Naruto said, "But I'm really sorry about that. Even though you killed my sensei—Jiraiya, remember him? Yeah, I was seriously pissed off about that until a couple of hours ago."

"You have no right to be angry about that," Nagato declared, "Jiraiya was mine to kill. He was my master before you were even born."

There was an intense silence before Naruto spoke. "I heard that. And I realized I was mad enough to kill at a person I'd never even met—someone who'd known ero-sennin. I was thinking, how could anyone know him, talk to him, be taught by him, and still end up murdering him? I wanted to know you." Naruto blinked. "I wanted to hate you in an informed way."

Nagato was shaking his head. "You're just a boy. You're not me, you're not a god. You can't understand…what the world was like…during a ninja war."

"Then tell me," Naruto cajoled, "Let me hear your story. Why all this?"

Nagato observed him with eerily sane eyes. Dark awnings of lashes blinked once, twice. A slow smile places itself on his lips. "Alright," he said, "I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. I'll pour my heart out to you. but after all that, I'm going to ask you a question: what else would you have done? In my shoes, knowing what I know, you will see that what I do is the only way to bring peace to the world. And when you do, you and the rest of the jinchuuriki must submit. You must become my weapon. Do you agree?"

Naruto didn't think twice before pledging himself and his team to the dark haired man. "Done," he said with a triumphant grin, "But if I don't agree, if I know a better way, you have to listen to me."

"Agreed," the god said, entering the pact with a nod, "Now, I will start my story."

"Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name," Zetsu hummed for a background score, "But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game."

Levelly, Naruto said, "Someone strangle the tree."

Deidara rose to the occasion magnificently and Zetsu stopped sympathizing with the devil.

Nagato regaled them with his tale. It was told in an oddly impersonal way, but that was because he'd long since detached himself from the frightened little boy of Rain Village who'd just been trying to survive his parents' death. Time strolled by on the wheels of his words and a change in his tone signified his meeting with Konan.

"She was like the moon, peeking from behind the rain clouds to check in on me and I was susceptible to her charms," he recollected with a soft smile. It turned into a scowl when he remembered Konan today. "She was recently murdered. By a complete kneebiter."

"His bad," Naruto pointed at Zetsu, who said, "What kind of cum gurglingly stupid insult is kneebiter?"

"Yahiko." Nagato reprised memories of the handsome, spiky haired corpse, "He was our leader. This was all his idea. He wanted to have the world under his control so that he could make it better. But he didn't know how to get that power…until we saw the legends."

His voice took on a misty quality. He was honestly reliving his history.

"Jiraiya, Tsunade and Orochimaru. Konohagakure's golden team."

"That's what they used to call us," Naruto cut in, "Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto: Konoha's golden team, until the bastard left us."

"Hey," Nagato said, "I don't give a fuck."

People sniggered, and Naruto simmered.

"Yahiko loved them. I mean, really. He wanted that sort of power, so he told us he'd walk up to them—it was crazy, we tried to stop him, we were scared—and he walked up to them and asked for food. We teased him for days because he chickened out, but he got what he wanted anyway. One of them wanted to take care of us for a while."

"Jiraiya," Naruto reminisced.

"The movie star," Zetsu trilled softly, and was promptly beaten up.

"Our sensei," Nagato said after Zetsu had been adequately bruised, "And, we thought at the time, the most inspiring man in the world. He and Yahiko shared dreams. They kept talking about a Sage of Six Paths—someone who'd mastered six high disciplines and used them to found the ninja world. Bu when he tried to teach al six practices to one person, he failed. He couldn't get it to work. Everyone was good at something; no one but him was best at everything. Jiraiya and Yahiko talked about a second coming of the Sage. A ninja who could perfect the six disciples once again, and unite the world under his banner."

Nagato took a deep breath full of resentment and bitterness and really wild feelings. "Yahiko started to love Jiraiya more than he loved us, and Jiraiya showered him with special attention. Konan and I were so jealous. Sue he was our sensei—but the three of us were a team!"

"What is it with ninjas and teams?" Akemi muttered to Kame, but no one answered.

"Anyway, something terrible happened."

"Yahiko died?" Naruto asked in a hushed whisper.

"Jiraiya died."

A polite sense of unjustified drama hung in the air, and Nagato, sensing it, continued. "What, you don't think that's too bad? Hah. Three orphans who finally found a parent substitute; who finally have a chance to just be children, who are finally learning that maybe the world isn't always cruelly unfair get that person ripped away from them. We had no warning. There were no signs. He finished a routine training session one day and it was like all the rain had water logged his brain. He announced he was leaving. Just like that."

Nagato paused. His eyes, to everyone's incomprehensive surprise, grew misty. "…Just. Like. That."

The pause stretched on until the touching moment snapped under prolonged strain, and Nagato resumed his story with a new briskness in his voice.

"We were abandoned in the middle of nowhere by a person we thought had cared about us. The war was over by now, but our fight had started. Yahiko set out to realize his dream…their dream. He was determined to become the new Sage. Jiraiya had thought that the Sage was born rather than made, but Yahiko believed that anyone could become anything if they were stubborn enough." A smile scampered across the god's features. "And there was no one more stubborn than Yahiko. He wanted to be a Sage, a God. He started collecting more urchins, he taught them all Jiraiya had taught us. We started fighting, for justice."

"Like superheroes?" Naruto asked, and Nagato nodded. "Exactly. That's what Yahiko wanted us to be."

"And what did you become instead?" the blond asked, frowning, "A super villain."

"You don't know!" Nagato snapped. "Yahiko died. He was killed. I almost lost Konan as well. The rin'nengan woke up, and that's when I knew. I was the sage."

"No you're not," said Naruto doggedly.

"Don't be a brat. Of course I am."

"Yeah? Then tell me, all-fuckin'-mighty sage, what are the six path of power? They can't all be pain. Ever heard of yin and yang, asshole? Ever heard of shades of grey? Go ahead, moron. Gimme an answer."

'Flabbergasted' was a word that came to mind at the look on Nagato's face. 'Murderous' was another.

"Who else could it possibly be?" he hissed, "I have the rin'nengan!"

"Well," Naruto said innocently, "It could be me."

A deadly silence ensued.

"Yes," Naruto pursued the stunning statement, "Jiraiya shared his dream with me as well. Yahiko was right. The sage is made. And Jiraiya made me. I have the six paths of life nestled in the palm of my hand, Nagato, and I will use them to blow you straight to hell. You have been a naughty boy and I must punish you…for I am your father."

Gaara rolled his eyes as Nagato let out a shriek of disbelief. Kisame enjoyed particularly the look of exasperated shock on Itachi's face. The little blond terror was full of surprises.

"Stop fucking with him, kid," Takeshi called out, "And just finish up, I'm freakin' hungry!"

This sentiment was echoed by the liberated Akatsuki and Naruto complied.

"Listen," he told Nagato, "You want my answer? Here's my answer: forget it. There's no way you'll change the world with violence and war and pain. There's quite enough of that to go around, thanks. I say we use a new and outlandish method to take the ninja world by storm. I say we be reasonable."

He waited for the revolutionary idea to sink into the god.

"See my friend?" he pointed to Gaara, "He's an eighteen year old Kazekage. Ruler of an entire fuckin' village, controls the ninjas of a nation, and he's never masturbated in his whole life. You know what that is? That's sad. But that's what's gonna help us."

Naruto hauled Nagato upright. "I'm going to be Hokage," he began, and to cover up the groans of dismay from his gang said, "Someday soon. And, you know what…we'll change the world. Starting with our own. I pledge Konohagakure out of ninja-hood right now, in my name. we'll teach people, okay? You and me and a whole bunch of other people. We'll set this world straight. Just, do me a favor. Stop taking yourself so seriously. No one else does."

"That's not true," Sasori interjected, "Plenty of people take him seriously."

"Well they shouldn't 'cause he's a joke, and shut up dammit," Naruto turned back to Nagato. "Whaddaya say? You wanna do this?" He held out a warm hand. Of friendship!
Nagato stared at that hand for a good long while. A few thoughts ventured across his mind. The first was a fact: he was tired. Oh almighty, he was tired. It'd be so nice to take orders and trust someone else to do the right thing like I'd been with Yahiko. What he wouldn't give to be second in command again. The second thought was half-formed: Naruto, despite seeming pretty off-balance, was a surprisingly together guy. Maybe he could, somehow, be the sage he'd jokes he was? That thought was quickly shoved aside by the thought that if he didn't give in he'd probably be killed and if he was killed Konan would stay dead…

"Done," Nagato grabbed Naruto's hand. "Now if you'll excuse me a minute, I need to resurrect my friend."

What he did was pretty fucking awesome, but not worth describing. It basically ended in Konan kissing Nagato and declaring Naruto to be damn cool and some people went 'aww' because happy endings are fun.

That was when Uchiha Madara came back.

"Aha! What have we here? Beware, for I shall defeat you!"

"Okay," Zetsu flared up, "You know what. Enough is enough. Die, bitch!" And a spiked tendril twined around the man's throat and throttled him.

"You killed Tobi!" Katsutoshi cried, but it didn't work out that way. Madara's soul escaped its human mold and left Tobi's behind.

"Tobi can has hugs!?"

"That was a well taken risk," Zetsu said, and made out with his lover instead.

Orochimaru shook Naruto's hand solemnly. "Thank you," he said, "For liberating Akatsuki."

"Actually," Akemi put in thoughtfully, "You're all still S-class wanted ninjas."

"Well, damn," Hidan said blankly.

Orochimaru shrugged. "Thanks anyway, Akatsuki Liberation Front."

"The hell?"

"I guess," Gaara said, "We finally have a name."

"We're going to go down in history as the Akatsuki Liberation Front?" Kame scoffed, "Fucking ace."

But hey, you know what? She was being sarcastic, but she was right. It was fucking ace.

(And that's my gospel truth.)

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

~hands fall off from extended typing session~