"Katniss!"
I open my eyes and everything is blurry, but I know I'm not in the street anymore. The Justice Building? Gale appears at my side and takes my hand in his.
His voice is harsh and he sounds out of breath when he speaks, "What happened? How the hell did she get shot?"
"Calm down, Soldier Hawthorne." Boggs?
I groan as I'm lifted into the air and Gale snaps, "Be careful!"
"We have to lift her to get her to the hovercraft! If we don't hurry she'll loose too much blood."
The baby… I clench my fingers tight around Gale's and he looks back at me, but I can't speak. The baby… He just squeezes my hand gently, "It'll be ok, Catnip." They're moving quickly and the motion makes me feel sick. Or is it the pain? The hovercraft sits just outside the back of the building and they rush me on board. I lift my free hand and place it around Gale's wrist when I'm put down on a table in the hovercraft. My eyes widen at the sight of blood covering my hand. Where was this? My vision is starting to fade, everything I look at is blurred with black.
My breathing quickens and I know I'm squeezing Gale's hand too hard, but I can't stop. "Help…"
Gale's eyes meet mine and he looks more worried than I've seen him before. "They're going to help you. You're going to be ok."
Someone needs to tell me if the baby is fine. Someone needs to say something about it. Someone needs to tell Peeta… A needle goes into my arm and I take in a sharp breath before everything goes dark.
It's night. I'm not sure how I know, but once I have the thought, I'm certain it's true. I suppose it doesn't really matter.
I feel a gentle hand trail down my cheek and I lean against the touch.
There's whispering, "Katniss?" The voice is soft and makes me feel at peace. "You're going to be ok…"
I don't know who it is, my eyes are too heavy to open but the sound of their voice makes me feel safe. I believe them when they say that I'm lucky to have made it…
Another night… I know time has passed though I'm not sure why I can tell… The gentle touch and voice is with me again. I'm happy they came back. When I'm aware and know they aren't near me, I feel anxious and scared. I know this is a male by how big the hands feel against my cheek. His voice is so soft like he doesn't want anyone else to hear him, the words are just meant for my ears.
I try to open my eyes when I finally feel I know who is here. I whisper, "Peeta?" There's a sharp intake of breath and the gentle voice doesn't come back.
Don't leave me…
Everything is fuzzy. There's noise all around me. I try to breathe evenly but it's hard to manage and comes with a sharp pain. I force my eyes open and groan when I see where I am. District 13. I never thought I would be back in this place. I actually believed that leaving for District 2 would allow me to not return here.
I'm an idiot.
A smirking face comes into my vision that I recognize as Johanna Mason. She sits down on the edge of my bed and the shifting makes me wince. A satisfied smile comes across her face.
"I see you're awake now." She scoffs when I try to sit up but can't manage it. "Don't over exert yourself there."
I sigh and try to hide my wince from the pain it causes. "What happened?"
She shrugs. "You got shot. Missed your heart by a few inches." She says it as if it doesn't matter at all and, were this anyone else, I would be offended. I take in a sharp breath as I try to move again and my hands clench over my stomach. "That made it too. I suppose it inherited your annoying ability to survive anything."
I glare at her and open my mouth to say something when a gravely voice comes across the room. "Alright, Mason. Time to go back to your corner." Haymitch moves to stand beside my bed and smiles when Johanna actually gets up and starts to walk away.
She rolls her eyes. "It's dinner time anyway."
Haymitch shakes his head and sits down in a chair next to my bed. He lets out a breath and leans forward a little, his elbows on his knees. "Well, you managed to find you're way out of another tight spot, sweetheart." I let out a short breath and shake my head. Haymitch smiles slightly. "Your recovery's going well. You're pretty lucky they got you out when they did. Otherwise…" He clears his throat and I can see that he's actually happy that I made it back from District 2. I smile softly at the man and he continues, "Peeta's been doing better."
I raise an eyebrow. "Plutarch's idea of better or a normal person's?"
Haymitch smiles. "Normal. Your sister's been helping quite a bit. They think if he sees you now, he'll be fine. He's been going through a lot of therapy and it seems to be helping him."
I bite my lip. I didn't think he would bring up seeing Peeta this soon. I knew being back here would mean having to hear more about his recovery and that I would eventually be seeing him again… I don't know if I can face it if he's still a broken mess. And it seems like he said the same thing before I left. I lie back against my pillows and shake my head. "I'm not ready to see him…"
Haymitch frowns. "I know after what happened, you're unsure about this, but that boy needs to see you. He's having a rough time of it here too, you know. Can't really trust that people are who they say they are. It's been a mess." He lets out a deep sigh and watches me for a moment then quietly says, "He's asked about the baby…" He pauses and my eyes narrow slightly. "He isn't sure if it was real or not. We told him the truth, but he wants to hear it from you."
I feel like I deflate completely at the words. Peeta wanted children. I know he did. I remember how he sounded scared and yet excited when I told him about the baby and it physically hurts that he isn't sure whether it's real or not. I know then that I've got to see him, that I've got to face this now for Peeta's sake…
I look back at Haymitch and nod slightly. "I'll see him."
Four days later, I find myself standing outside of the frosted glass door to Peeta's room. He's still in he hospital, but isn't being monitored. I suppose that should say a lot about his recovery, but it makes me nervous to know I have to do this on my own. I bite my lip and zip my jacket up. I'm showing more now and they don't want him to be able to tell I'm pregnant just by looking at me, they're afraid it could trigger one of his flashbacks to have the news sprung on him.
"Just talk to him." Haymitch stands against the wall behind me. I turn to him and he's trying to smile kindly but failing. "Let him find his way to the question. It'll be fine."
I nod and take a deep breath before opening the door. Immediately, I can tell this will be different than the last time we spoke. He is sitting, free of any restraint, on his bed and the ghost of a smile appears when he sees me. I wait for the confusion and rage to take over his eyes but neither does. He closes the sketchbook he had resting on his lap and sits up a little straighter.
We just watch each other, unsure of what to do. I take a few steps into the room and let the door close behind me. I keep my gaze determinedly forward when I hear the one escape click shut behind me. My voice is quiet when I say, "Hi, Peeta."
A real smile is on his lips then, a real smile that tells me he is getting better. "Hi." He motions for me to come closer. I walk to his bed and gently sit down on the opposite end from him.
I take in his appearance more closely then. He's calm this time, the absence of the cuffs clearly doing him some good. His eyes are clearer than they've been since the Games and the dark bruise on his forehead seems to be fading. "You look better. How are you feeling?"
He shrugs. "You've been gone for almost a month."
He doesn't sound mean, but I can still hear a hint of resentment in his voice. I nod. "I know… I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye."
He sighs. "I'm just glad you're ok."
We fall silent and I really have no idea how to do this. Telling him the first time didn't go well and I'm more than a little nervous to do it again. I do know I want to get this over with quick. I don't want to prolong any bad reaction he may have by saying the wrong thing.
I look down at my hands. "Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me about something."
I look back up and he's nodding. "After everything… I don't remember a lot of stuff. Weird things." He looks directly into my eyes. "I don't remember a lot about you. Us." I bite my lip and nod. "I know the night before the reaping was real." I can't help but blush even though everyone knows it happened. He sighs again, his brow furrowing in thought as he tries to reason through his words. "And I know you came to see me before you left. You told me something important…"
"Peeta, we don't have to talk about this right now." I can tell he's getting frustrated because he can't remember what's happened.
"No." He moves closer to me and I have to force myself not to scoot away from him. "I need to know if this is true. They've all told me…" He shakes his head and takes in a deep breath. "Are you having a baby?" I nod slowly and a small look of relief passes over his features. He hesitates for a moment before asking, "And it's mine?"
I unzip my jacket and take it off. "I'm five months." He's just staring at me and it really makes me uncomfortable. "The doctor says I'm not very big yet because I was so small before, but it's is ok. She's healthy despite everything."
He smiles, his old smile that always makes me happy, that I've dreamt about since he was taken from me.
We're sitting even closer now and I don't remembering either of us moving. I can see red in his cheeks as he hesitantly raises his hand. I try to keep my nerves hidden as he gently places his hand against my cheek. I smile softly and lean into his touch. He whispers, "I came to see you… Before you woke up."
Our eyes meet. "I know…" He lets his hand fall to my knee and we're quiet once again. It's a comfortable silence and I find myself glad that he's back just to be able to sit in the quiet with him. Don't say that out loud.
I find myself lost in the blue of his eyes and lean forward before I realize it. I stop suddenly but he closes the space between us and presses his lips to mine. It's quick and causes my face to heat and I feel stupidly nervous.
He wasn't shaking while we kissed, but when I open my eyes I see that his are shut tight. "Peeta?"
He shakes his head. "You need to go…" He voice is strained. I reach out for him and he jerks away, moving from the bed. He paces for a few minutes. His hands are clenching and unclenching as he moves and his breathing gets heavier. He runs his fingers roughly through his hair, pulling at his blonde curls, and then sits in a corner farthest away from me.
I was warned that he's started having these episodes. The torture in the Capitol came in waves and his recovery seems to be doing the same thing. Once they managed to move a little past his block with recognizing people, it triggered these dangerous flashbacks. It's almost as if Snow knew this would happen and he sent back a time bomb in the form of Peeta. He won't talk about what he sees, but they think his mind is taking him back to his torture in an extremely vivid way.
I slowly get up and walk toward him. I have to be able to handle him when this happens. It scares me, but not in the way I thought it would. I'm more afraid of how this is wearing on Peeta. He looks so exhausted. I glance to my right and see that Haymitch and several doctors are now standing in the door and I shake my head. I have to do this on my own. "I'm not going anywhere, Peeta…" I go down on my knees in front of him and place my hands on either side of his face and slowly run my thumbs under his eyes. I drop my voice to a whisper, "Peeta… It's me. I don't know what they've made you think, but I'm not going to hurt you… Don't leave me, please…" He's shaking and his eyes are still shut tight. I can almost hear his teeth grinding. I kiss his forehead. "We need you, Peeta… Your daughter needs you…"
He lets out a long breath and his eyes slowly flutter open. I know he's upset with himself and probably with me, but I honestly don't care. I can't be truly mad at him for this - he can't help what they did to him. I'm sure this wasn't as bad as his episodes will get, but at least I didn't run from him or get pulled away this time. We have to get through this together. I won't leave Peeta behind again. I've lost him too many times. I've left him too many times…
I stroke my fingers down the sides of his face and quietly say, "I'm not going to leave you, Peeta. Not this time."
He looks so sad and he doesn't meet my gaze when he says, "You shouldn't have stayed… What if I had hurt you?"
I shake my head. "You didn't. You won't hurt us. I know you won't." Our eyes meet and his are full of disbelief. "We take care of each other. Always." He takes a few deep breaths then closes his eyes. I see tears escape and I wipe them away. I sit next to him and take one of his hands in mine. I slowly place it against my stomach. "We love each other, Peeta… I know…"
He looks at me and nods. There's something familiar in his gaze now and I almost can forget that we're in a hospital ward in the middle of a war. I can almost imagine sitting with Peeta in 12, telling him that we're going to be a family. I smile when he whispers, "I know too…"
Life in District 13 doesn't get any better, nor does it get less claustrophobic, but telling Peeta somehow makes the place a little brighter. He remembers this time, and his doctors believe it shows a good sign in his mental health that he didn't relapse after his episode. It stings knowing that I caused it, but I've been told that talk of the baby doesn't trigger anything. That is something to be happy for. We aren't allowed to see each other alone anymore. Not because I'm afraid of him, but because his doctors don't want something to happen. I hate that every time we talk, there's someone listening from outside the door or even sitting in a chair in the room with us, but they want this to continue until he's more stable.
The relationship we have now makes pretending to be in love for the sake of the cameras seem perfectly normal. We're having a baby together, we've obviously held an intimate relationship, yet now we sit at opposite ends of his bed trying to get to know each other again. It's almost as if I'm meeting the father of my baby for the very first time. Some days, he seems like the Peeta I knew back home and I have to force myself not to reach out and push the hair off his forehead or try and hold his hand. I keep telling myself that at least he's still here, but when I catch myself about to lean against him or thinking about just kissing him, I can't help but remember when he wasn't here. This is better than him being trapped, but I miss how he used to be.
Peeta and I are sitting in the common room of the hospital wing three days before Finnick and Annie's wedding. The whole District has been going crazy getting everything ready, but I'm sure both of them wouldn't have cared if they had a quiet ceremony with none of the pageantry Plutarch wants to throw. I don't think I've ever seen Finnick looking so happy and I can't help the twinge of jealousy I feel when I see him with Annie - They're so certain with each other and he seems to know exactly what to do when Annie retreats inside herself. It's strange how calm he makes her and vise versa. I just sit watching him and wonder if I'll ever be able to really be able to help him. Peeta's been drawing more and more lately, I hope it means he's getting some sense of who he used to be. He looks up at me and smiles a little then looks immediately back at the paper. He's been doing this for almost thirty minutes and it's obvious what he's drawing.
I lean forward to try and see over the top of the book but he closes it. "Let me see, Peeta. I know it's me."
He smiles and puts it in his lap. "It isn't ready yet."
I sigh and sit back in my chair. "Fine." I glance around the room for probably the tenth time. Today, we're alone. It's only been a week since we've been spending time together, but it really feels like a longer time.
"They asked me to make the cake, you know." I look back at Peeta and he's smiling again. I can't help but smile too. "They asked me a few days before you woke up and I've been working on it since then. It's almost done."
He sounds proud and I'm certain it will be beautiful like everything he makes. "That's great. I can't wait to see it."
"Do you want to now?" He leans forward a little.
I raise an eyebrow. "Am I allowed to?"
He smirks, such a familiar action that my breath catches. "If you're with me they'll let you in." I grin and find myself agreeing to go with him. The doctors probably wouldn't approve. While, yes, we're alone in here, there is someone close by if something were to go wrong. Going all the way to the kitchen may not be the best idea, but he looks so happy and, honestly, I want to see what he's been working on too.
He leads me through several hallways as we take a path that is clearly familiar to him. We pass the cafeteria and he shows me through a door I've never noticed before marked "Kitchen Staff Only." His smile is the widest I've seen it since he's been here as he wheels the cake out of the walk-in cooler. It is a beautiful cake. He's managed to capture the sea in the frosting and the detail he includes makes me think he'd lived by the sea his entire life.
He doesn't take his eyes off it when he speaks, "What do you think?"
"It looks wonderful." His eyes meet mine and I smile softly. My words come out soft and a little rushed, "Like everything you make."
His smile doesn't falter but I can see a little bit of confusion pass over his eyes. He doesn't address it and just shakes his head. "I hope they like it."
I don't take my eyes off him, even when he looks back at the cake. "I'm sure they will."
He sighs softly and looks back at me. "Are you going?"
"I think I have to, but I would go anyway." He nods. "Are you?"
He shrugs. "I don't know yet. I guess it's good that they're giving me the option of going. They must not think I'll attack someone."
I frown. "Don't say that." It makes me angry that he says this stuff about himself. It isn't the first time he's talked like this and I hate listening to it. "Finnick wants you there because you're his friend."
He rolls his eyes. "Based on what? A week trapped in the Quell?" He looks at me as if he's challenging me to tell him he's wrong.
Honestly, the look hurts, but I don't back down or show him that he's bothering me. It's stupid of me and there's a voice in my head telling me I should back off, but I just don't want to.
"Maybe it's based on him saving your life in that arena and then helping keep me sane while I was here thinking you were dead." He glares at me and I return his harsh gaze. "There's more to friendship than knowing everything about someone, Peeta. There's more to caring than understanding someone's past." His eyes soften a bit, but mine don't as I whisper, "I know you remember that much." I turn and leave him standing in the kitchen.
I don't talk to Peeta at all the rest of the day, or the next. It's hard, not seeing him, but I won't be the one to apologize this time. He knew what he was saying, knows he was wrong. I spend the whole time locked in my compartment, angry at everything and everyone, myself included.
The day before the wedding, Gale finally makes his way to my compartment. I was certain someone would send him before this, or that Haymitch would have burst in and yelled at me for being so short with Peeta.
I'm lying on my bed when Gale opens the door and walks straight to me. He doesn't even bother to knock most of the time. It doesn't usually bother me, but today it does. I turn and glare at him. "You can knock, you know."
He shrugs as he nudges my feet to allow room for himself. He sighs when he sits down. "Why did you do that?" His voice only sounds slightly patronizing and I spare him the nasty comments currently running through my mind. "I'm not his biggest fan, but you know that he can't help everything he says."
I sigh heavily. "Sometimes it hurts too much to just sit there and take it, Gale."
"You know, I think I do understand but that doesn't mean you can just go off on him." This sounds so wrong. Gale sitting here, telling me how I shouldn't have snapped at Peeta. It makes no sense.
I sit up and narrow my eyes. "Why are you even here? Why are you defending him?"
He holds ups his hands. "I'm not here to defend anyone. I'm here because I was asked to see how you're doing. Those visits weren't just benefiting Peeta, Catnip." I try to ignore the pain that shows through his steady tone, the thought of him wishing he could be the calming factor in my life just makes me irritated.
I shake my head. "I'm a little tired of everyone else deciding what's best for me. The doctors, Haymitch, my mother and now you. I know a little bit about what's good for me and what isn't, Gale. And sitting there," I bite my lip as I feel the prick of tears, "having to watch him work through every little thing I say…" I shake my head and look away from him. "It's numbing."
"You need to see him again." He stands up. "I know you're mad at him, but don't forget that you two are even more connected now." I can't respond to him and just look down at my hands. Gale pauses before opening the door. "Tomorrow. He'll be there tomorrow, talk to him then."
The wedding is simple, but it says so much about how Finnick and Annie feel about each other. They are able to incorporate parts of the ritual from District 4. It makes the whole event even more special. I sit with my mother and Prim. My mother cries the whole time and Prim holds tight to my hand. Peeta sits a few rows in front of us, and as much as I try not to, I can't help but stare at the back of his head pretty much the whole time.
After the ceremony, the guests move into an adjoining room where the reception area has been set up. Plutarch fought hard to get good footage out of this event and part of that was the décor. The room isn't overly decorated, but it does look nice and the guests are having a good time. There aren't any musicians in 13, but one lone fiddle player made it out of 12 with his instrument and he plays songs that are familiar to anyone from our home District. I actually feel myself smiling for the first time in a few days.
I'm sitting by myself, watching my mother spin Prim across the dance floor, both of them smiling brightly, when Peeta makes his way to my table. He stands in front of me and holds his hand out. He whispers, "Dance with me?"
I feel the corner of my lips twitch up and nod my head. Peeta pulls me out onto the dance floor as a slower song starts to play. Some of the former residents of 12 are sitting around the fiddler singing. We stay a safe distance from each other, but we're still closer than we have been in a little while.
I can feel the camera on us and it takes a lot of control to not lead Peeta away from here. "I'm sorry about before."
He shakes his head and pulls me a little closer. "It's fine. Sometimes I can't stop what I say." He lets out a deep breath. "I hate it."
I nod and we just look into each other's eyes for a moment before Peeta's grip tightens on my waist and I lean against him. My heart is beating fast and I'm sure he can tell, but I don't want to move away from him.
He leans his head against mine and whispers, "They're filming us."
I roll my eyes and sigh. "I don't think they ever stop…" Our eyes meet again and I just hold his gaze. I can feel the way Peeta's hand is trembling slightly against my waist and it makes me feel like being nervous is ok. The song is coming to a close, and I know that this moment will be over soon. "I know none of this is your fault…" I keep my voice at a whisper so they can't pick up the words on camera.
He smiles softly. "Katniss… Families aren't perfect."
The song ends. He presses a soft kiss to my forehead and steps back from me, but I can't seem to move. Families aren't perfect. Peeta and I are already a family. It's like Gale said, we're connected in so many ways, but soon there will be a bigger one than being Victors of the Hunger Games.
"Thank you, Peeta." He's turned and is about to start walking away when I place a hand on his shoulder. I bite my lip when he faces me again, suddenly not sure about my decision. I let out a soft breath. "I go to the doctor tomorrow. I'd like it if you went with me."
I can tell he wasn't expecting me to say that and is taken aback by the invitation, but his smile widens all the same and he nods.
The next day, Peeta accompanies me to Dr. Vaughn's office. It's strange walking here with someone, but especially strange to be walking here with Peeta. When he was gone, it was easier to pretend that the baby didn't have a father. I never forgot that the baby was going to be my last piece of Peeta, but I was able to keep everything to myself when there was no one else as involved in this as me. I had assumed he would never know about this baby, let alone be around when she's born. Don't think about that right now… I sit on the examination table and watch Peeta out of the corner of my eye. He's nervous and, despite myself, I think it's cute. He stares around the room, which is pretty much bare of anything save for a few posters on pregnancy. I have no doubt Dr. Vaughn will be kind to him, but I hope Peeta makes it through the appointment fine.
I frown and place a hand against my stomach. Lately, the baby has been starting to move more. It's so strange to feel and still sends a small jolt of panic through my body at the thought of a new life growing inside me. Soon, there will be someone new to take care of… Soon, there will be another person stuck in this miserable life and in this miserable war.
I sigh softly and Peeta immediately turns to face me, a worried look on his face. My smile is genuine and I shake my head. "Just breathing, Peeta. No need to worry."
He gives me an embarrassed smile. "I guess I'm just a little nervous."
There's a knock on the door and Dr. Vaughn gives us a warm smile as he enters the room. He looks at Peeta and doesn't seem to view him as something dangerous. It makes me feel a little better about having him with me. Peeta resumes his place beside me and when Dr. Vaughn reaches out a hand to him, he seems surprised but shakes the man's hand anyway.
"It's good to finally meet you, Mr. Mellark." Peeta smiles but can't seem to find his voice. Dr. Vaughn chuckles softly. "It's fine to be nervous. But are you ready to see your baby?"
Any doubts I had about having Peeta with me today are erased from my mind when I see the way his face lights up when the doctor starts the ultrasound and points out where the baby is on the screen. I can't help myself when I reach out and take Peeta's hand in mine and lace our fingers together. He looks down at me and smiles before turning his attention back to the baby, his baby.
There's no doubt that Dr. Vaughn is happy for us when he speaks and his voice is the same light tone that he had when I actually began showing interest in the baby. "Everything is moving along nicely. You seem to be right on track and your health after the incident in District 2 has improved greatly." He looks back at Peeta then says, "I'll let you two have a moment."
I smile as I watch Peeta stare at the tiny screen in fascination. He hasn't let go of my hand and I give it a small squeeze. When he turns to me, I can see there are tears forming in his eyes. I sit up and he instantly wraps his arms around me. I stiffen for a moment then relax into his arms.
Peeta whispers, "Thank you, Katniss…" He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. I can see tears clinging to his eyelashes and, in this moment, the idea that Peeta and I will be a family after all of this is over is a bright spot to look forward to. We may be a little broken, but maybe we can actually be good parents… I already know that Peeta will be a good father despite everything that's happened to him.
After the appointment Peeta is released from the hospital. The doctors were waiting until they were sure his flashbacks wouldn't cause him to inflict harm upon himself before letting him be assigned his own compartment. He still has to see the doctor everyday, but at least he no longer has to live there. Honestly, it doesn't make me as nervous as I thought it would. I've become more comfortable around Peeta and I'm glad that we can now have conversations without being constantly under guard.
We've taken to walking around the halls of 13 for long periods of time. It's one of the better parts of my day and I can't help but notice how we've begun to drift closer together.
I haven't been getting tired because of the pregnancy, but today it hits me all at once and Peeta walks me back to my compartment. When we get there, Haymitch is at the table inside. I raise an eyebrow and hesitantly walk toward him. His face is impassive and I can't tell if he's going to give me good or bad news. He motions for me to sit down and I manage not to scoff at how he's giving me permission to sit on my own furniture.
He doesn't speak for a little bit and I say, "What is it?"
He sighs. "News directly from Coin. There are troops being sent into the Capitol in a little over a week. It seems like we're about to have the upper hand on Snow and maybe this will finally be done." He pauses and I'm certain there is something else he wants to say. His words are rushed as though he wants to get the sting over with. "I know the plan was for you to join the fight, but it looks like you won't be going to the Capitol." My eyes widen at his words and I can't seem to find my voice.
"What? I'm the face of the rebellion and I'm not even going to be in the Capitol when it's taken down?" I look up at Peeta and can tell that he agrees with the order for me to stay behind. I let out a frustrated sigh.
Haymitch puts up a hand. "They're going to send you in once the Capitol is taken, but no one wanted to put you in the line of fire right now. You've already had a close call. There won't always be a lucky break for you, sweetheart."
I frown. I'm completely torn right now. I want to be in the Capitol when it's taken down. I want to see the government that caused the Hunger Games brought down for good. On the other hand, I want to keep the baby safe. I'm starting to feel sick suddenly and I just need to get out of this room. I stand quickly and leave.
I don't get far before ducking into a closet and curling into the corner. I wrap my arms around my waist and whisper, "You're causing trouble already…"
I close my eyes so I don't know he's outside the door until it opens and I look up to see Peeta sinking down next to me. I can't really see his expression in the dark of the closet, but I'm sure he's worried. He lets out a soft sigh and I'm surprised when he pulls me close to him. Yes, we've been getting closer but the only near intimate moment we've had was at Finnick and Annie's wedding when we danced.
"If I said I'm glad you're not going, would you hate me?" His voice is quiet and gentle and makes me feel instantly calmer.
I shake my head and lean against him. "I don't hate you." I don't know how to describe to him how I'm feeling that doesn't make it seem like I wish we weren't having the baby. I haven't told him about my doubts when I first found out or about how Dr. Vaughn gave me a choice - even though I didn't choose to do it, I know the idea of it would hurt Peeta.
He wraps one arm tight around my waist and places his hand on my stomach. He whispers, "You have to keep her safe and that means you have to stay safe." I look up at him and can just make out his blue eyes in the dark.
I nod and just stare into his eyes. I whisper, "We'll be safe." He smiles softly at my words. I can't help when I lift a hand to brush his hair off his forehead. To me, it's a mark in his improvement that he doesn't flinch away from me or really stiffen under my touch. He bites his lip as I bring my hand down and rest it on his own that's against my stomach.
I'm nervous. Our relationship has been so strained. We're becoming closer, but it's still me learning to be friends with Peeta after everything we've already been through. Every time I feel like we've moved forward, I open my eyes and realize that we're really just in the same place… All I want is to be able to wrap my arms around him and not be worried he'll have an episode. I take in a shaky breath and move my hands away from him. I suddenly feel like I did that night in 12, going to this boy I am in love with and just unable to explain to him that I just want to be close to him. I fell in love with Peeta Mellark, and now I'm just caught up with nerves every time I see him because I have no idea if he can still love me.
I frown and shift away from him. This suddenly hurts too much. I try to stand but Peeta grabs my hand, and I can see the confusion on his face. I shake my head and say, "I'm just tired…"
His grip on my hand tightens, preventing me from standing. It isn't painful and I can tell he just doesn't want me to leave. "Tell me what's wrong, Katniss." I bite my lip and drop my gaze to the floor. Telling him what I've been feeling means admitting that I'm not certain he'll ever come back to me… I can't manage to speak to him and just continue to stare at the hard floor beneath us. He places his fingers under my chin and brings my gaze back to his. "Talk to me…"
I take a shaky breath. "This has just been different than I thought it would be…" I can tell he doesn't understand and I continue, "When you came back…" I shake my head and look away from him. "I don't even know what I thought would happen. I know none of this is your fault, but… It's hard going through the motions of a friendship with you, Peeta. After everything…"
He lets out a long breath and I'm sure he looks upset, but I can't make myself face him. His voice doesn't sound hurt when he says, "I understand…" I look up at him and see there's a soft smile on his lips. "You have no idea how much I wish I could just grab you an kiss you. How much I hated to let go of you at that appointment… I'm just afraid that I'm going to hurt you."
He's starting to get upset, and I can tell his hands are shaking when he grips his legs. Normally, I wouldn't be so quick to do this but I can't stand seeing him so upset with himself. Peeta isn't the one to blame in this situation… I place both my hands on his face and press my lips to his. His hands lift up and land on my arms. He grips them tight at first, but after a moment his fingers loosen. I move back slightly and our eyes meet. There's still something dark there, but I know he isn't going to attack me. He pulls me back to him and crashes his lips against mine.
The kiss is messy, but perfect. We've shared a few since he's been back, but this one seems to be real. I can feel his hands gripping at me, but this time it's in a desperate need to bring me as close to him as he can. I shift and he pulls me onto his lap, pressing his hand against my back so that we're as close as we can be. I move my hands into his hair and twist my fingers into his curls. His fingers find the bottom of my shirt and gently dip under it. The feeling of his skin against mine causes me to pause.
I pull back and he frowns. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I shake my head and try to smile a bit. I've wanted this freedom with him for so long now, but I can't deny how nervous I am.
"Slow. We'll take this slow." He smiles.
We spend the next week in a relatively peaceful place. Peeta and I don't take as many cautious steps around each other, and I really think we may be ok after all. I'm even getting more comfortable with him taking on the role of soon-to-be father. It's nice, even if he is a little overbearing sometimes.
While I was away, Peeta began training with the regular soldiers fulltime. Coin said she wanted to get footage of him so that the Capitol knew he was integrating with the rebellion, but I'm not really sure I believe that's why she wanted him training. He took a break after I came back and he found out about the baby, but he's been put back in the full training sessions again. Coin's been sending out troops to the Capitol more and more, and I'm really afraid that she's planning on sending Peeta. Finnick and Gale are already gone.
I'm lying on the bed in Peeta's compartment when he comes back from training a little more than a week after our doctor's appointment. He looks incredibly tired and doesn't waste time before lying down on the bed just below my feet.
I frown when he covers his eyes with his hands. "Everything ok?"
He sighs heavily. "They're sending me to the Capitol."
My eyes widen and I can't do anything but shake my head. They can't send him back. He's suffered enough for the sake of this war, why do they want him to suffer more? I move back against the headboard and wrap my arms around myself. I can't keep the image of Peeta bent and broken on the ground out of my head.
He sits up and moves closer to me. He places his hands on my knees and tries to smile. "I knew you would be upset, but I have to go…"
I jerk my legs away from him. "No you don't, Peeta! You don't have to do anything for them. You've done enough." I'm being selfish but I don't want him to leave me alone again. There's too great of a chance that him being there will trigger an episode or he'll be killed in battle and I'll never see him again. I can't stand the thought of losing him now. I whisper, "Everything was finally ok…"
He runs his fingers down my cheek and rests his hand against my neck. "I know. I will come back to you, Katniss. I'm not going to leave you or the baby."
I feel tears stinging at my eyes and look away from him.
Peeta has to leave for the Capitol the next day, and I can't stand to leave him for a minute. I whisper, "Can I stay?"
He nods and pulls me close against him. "Always."
We spend the rest of the night in his compartment, holding each other close. We don't talk much and it painfully reminds me of the night before the Quell. He keeps an arm wrapped around me and his hand against my stomach, almost like he's saying a silent goodbye to the baby.
Peeta leaves the next day for the Capitol. I stand with him at the hangar, my arms wrapped tight around him. I can't stand to see him leave like this. We were finally moving forward, and now he's being sent away.
I hear people behind us calling for Peeta and I tighten my grip on him. He sighs softly and pulls back. He kisses me on the cheek and I'm close to crying when my eyes meet his.
He whispers, "Please don't worry about me. You need to keep yourself safe."
I want to tell him how much I love him. I want to tell him that I won't get any sleep knowing that he's in that terrible place again, fighting through unknown obstacles. All I can manage to say is, "Just come home…" He nods and kisses me once on the lips before boarding the hovercraft that will take him to where he will board the train to basecamp.
